CoachBri’s Blog

Spring was making attempts to come but the cold arctic air was still felt in the mid afternoon. He was very disappointed in the weather and snow was forecast for the next several days. He walked into the office, strongly and briskly, and he dropped down into the chair and talked as if he wanted to get at it. He attacked the conversation about the weather as if he was taking personal offense to the cold and that cold was out to get him.

Why am I so unhappy? I seem to mess up all the time. If I talk to anyone I am ok. I listen but the moment I start to give my opinion, people are against me and I always end up in some sort of fight. My wife tells me all the time I love conflict. I feel I hate it and am sick of fighting. I feel she pulls that on me to get her way and she knows it hurts me so I will back off. I wish I just didn’t have to fight all the time

Sir if I may…Human beings have settled into conflict and all we seem to accept life as is a struggle. The question is: struggle against what? For what? Everything is made into a problem to be solved. This is from the technical and survival training we had years ago to use in order to battle the forces of nature. To survive in the wilderness thinking and all its innovation were essential so that we could live. But why do we live in conflict now? That is the question, is it not sir?

I think it is! But I have asked a similar question to that and when I ask it to people, we end up in conflict of opinion, then it goes downhill from there.

Sir, you see the war around you, the fighting on the TV. It is getting far worse with all these extreme shows. Really they are all conflict based and people love to watch those reality show because why sir? Why are we so interested in watching who gets sent home or loses the most weight etc? Why Sir?

I guess we like it!

What is there to like? We watch people emotionally torture people, right sir! We love to see people deal with rejection, fear, anxiety, all kinds of stuff. Why?

I guess it is entertaining, to see people suffer I guess.

Yes, but why do we want others to suffer? And watch it? The more gory the better.

I don’t know why. I just like it I guess.

Apart from that sir? You watch the extreme or go to extremes. Why?

I have no idea. I see what you mean but it seems so hidden.

Is it that we are so desensitized? Sir, in the extreme we feel alive; our emotions are touched because we have lost all our sensitivity.

Well I feel like nothing touches me. Except sex perhaps and then in that it has to be aggressive, or degrading. I don’t mean I hit her or anything it just that….

That there is no sensitivity or tenderness in it. Right Sir? You are with the body but not the being.

That basically sums that up! But there is so much conflict between us.

Yes John! And the source of that conflict is what?

I guess we are on different pages. Or something!

No, much deeper, your self is in battle with her self and where self is, love, compassion, and tenderness are not.

That is true. We haven’t been friends for the past ten years.

Yes sir, friends don’t live in conflict. They don’t take part in it.

Well we have lots of that; sometimes I have nothing but hate and resentment for her and nothing else.

And for you, what does she have?

I guess the same – she has just given up on me.

Given up on what Sir?

On me. I have let her down. I am not the man she once wanted or ever had. I can’t live up to her expectations.

Can she live up to yours sir?

So you are saying it is my fault then or both our faults?

Does it matter whose fault it is sir? Really?

Well I blame her and she blames me.

Yes, so then what? Two people waiting for the other to change, two people know how the other should change, two people sure they know what is best for the other and therefore no relationship.

Ok, buddy, you have made your point. So there is my miserable little life.

No sir, life is what happens to you when you are not in conflict. The problem is we are in conflict most of the time.

With what?

With time itself and everything it has created.

Wait! That is a bit off. I don’t get it.

Thought has produced who you think you are. You have gathered that from the outside, thinking it is an internal movement. Therefore you are always trying to become something better that what you are. So you are programmed to build an image about yourself because everyone around you is building images about themselves.

Why would they do that?

To belong, to give one’s self or ego a sense that it is real.

But if it comes from the outside, it is not from my inside, then why does it feel so important and precious?

It gives one a sense of security which is false and because it is the only thing thought knows what to do – to build images and think they’re real.

So you are telling me I am in conflict with my wife because I see her through an image.

Yes sir!

What image?

The one that suits you at any given time.

So if that is true I am doing this to her and she to me then that means that our relationship isn’t real.

Sir, if you see you are in conflict with someone, isn’t that conflict based on opposing points of view, opposing images? So drop your image!

Well why should I? Why don’t you tell her to drop hers?

That is just it sir! Do you see it? I am miserable, and I want someone else to change. This is how we live – so irresponsible to our own transformation.

Bud, look, I know you are right and at the same time I am happy about this conversation but at the same time … you!!! I’m just so angry, yet grateful … no, angry for…….

… You’re pissed at me, right sir?

Yeah, but I see what you are saying. It is just so demanding and I see it is me, not her. My whole life is this blaming.

I know! Petty little lives we live, right sir?

Yeah! Thanks!

Coach bri

Within human beings is the need to survive. After a divorce the common thinking of a person that has been cheated on is to feel that they hate the opposite sex and they will never get involved again. “I hate men” or “I hate women” is the common thread I hear in most situations. The healing process of any relationship begins when self-evaluation takes place. That self-evaluation is painful. The person who has being rejected is in pain enough, and to self-evaluate in it is often more difficult. People who are able to self-evaluate seem to recover quicker than people who don’t. Often people repeat the same external psychology habits in their next marriage and end up divorced again. Self-evaluation is the process of learning about your mistakes which connects to another need, which is the need for fun. Now the question is this: How is learning fun when it comes to being dumped?

It is natural for a person who loses a relationship to depress and this prevents that person from acting out of anger and doing something that would be harmful to themselves or the person that left them. Self-evaluation here is often very difficult when the need for loving and belonging begins over time to speak to the person because they miss having someone in their life. If you are happy that a person left you that usually means that this person didn’t meet your loving and belonging need anymore so them leaving wasn’t a big deal and can be a relief, allowing the person to now look for someone else to fill that need.

When looking for someone else it is wise to not meet them with any chemicals in your system or in theirs. Being under the influence of chemicals, medication, alcohol, or grass impairs one’s ability to sense how need fulfilling a person truly is. Even though you may have fun with this person, a good relationship has to be more than fun to have longevity. Self-evaluation is looking at how you satisfy your needs by checking out how the behaviours you are presently using are working towards your level of happiness. Levels of happiness are as real as your needs but they are sewn together, genuinely in all situations in different moments. When one is under the influence, it is harder to genuinely access how and why you feel good. The happier one is, the more needs or depth of a need is being satisfied. Now after experiencing a rejection, a person’s scales are going to be more sensitive to tipping and drugs or alcohol become a means of numbing out. The purpose numbing is to prevent the self-evaluation process from happening, which is driven by the emotional content of thinking, which is fear, linked to rejection or possible rejection.

Sometimes people in a marriage where sex was good and the only place where there is any connection have a harder time loving and belonging because sex was the only place where their marriage was good or they experienced any closeness. These people can miss sex, not really seeing it as the belonging they are looking for. They become very desiring and will go with someone just for sex. Men tend to do this more. Women do this as well but for a woman, if she comes out of a relationship where she was a victim in the last relationship and sex was the only place she where there was connection, she could be setting up the same pattern of abuse again. Therefore it is very important that if she wants and needs sex she do it with her full faculties so that self-evaluation is possible.

Men and women have needs for sex. It is part of our being. Having good and present sex helps connection, which allows sex to meet loving and belonging needs. If people choose to get together for sex to satisfy the need for fun, power, freedom, and survival but void of love and belonging, it can be very complicated and degrading. Under the influence this can lead to a lot of problems that tears away at the dignity of one or both people and eventually leads to great unhappiness that goes under the radar because the sort connection is always a painful one. You can’t fake love like you can an orgasm. But if you think you can fake love until you make it, all self-evaluation is lost. Love and compassion are the key ingredients to relationship. Without them and without awareness, all external psychology dominates our behaviour.

Coach bri