These four premises or conditions are embedded deep in our personal psychology and are the root cause of conflict and misery within all our relationships.

Premise One
Most people think that when we feel something the source of that feeling is outside ourselves. In our belief system we have been conditioned to think that a stimulus from outside forces us to think, feel or do something. In our language we use phrases like: “You make me so mad!”, “You hurt my feelings!”, “You pushed my buttons!” or “You make me angry!”. This first premise gets practiced the most when we take information personally. We seem to do this more when we are under pressure.

Premise Two
This premise is practiced when we don’t feel good and we blame that feeling on someone or something outside of ourselves. So people will say something like this: “I don’t feel good and it’s your fault”. These people are blamers.

Premise Three
In the third premise people often use language like, “Not only do I not feel good but I know how you should change”. This behavior is about taking one’s unhappiness and trying to change other people or other situations rather than change.

Premise Four
Premise four is practiced when, as we mature in our lives, we gather a sense of what we know is best for us. Then we get this tremendous insight that begins to be practiced in our relationships which is this: “Not only do I know what’s best for me, I also know what’s best for you”. Or, simply put, I know what’s best for everyone else. When this happens this is one of the greatest sources of human misery within a relationship. Knowing what one is best for people immediately creates disconnection. especially with teenagers.

I believe that anyone can take any relationship in their life that they are having problems in and see one or more of these premises being practiced. These premises are practiced in many sophisticated ways in our behaviors. Here are some of the ways that they are practiced:

Habit One
The most damaging habit of all is the habit of criticism. If you want to make your relationship better with anyone, stop criticizing.

Habit Two
The next habit that destroys relationship is humiliating people to control them. I think this speaks for itself.

Habit Three
The third habit is blaming other people for one’s mood. Often people that practice this habit are faultfinders.

Habit Four
The fourth habit is the habit of complaining. People love to complain to avoid self-evaluation.

Habit Five
The fifth habit is nagging. No one ever likes to be nagged about anything. Do it and it destroys connection.

Habit Six
The sixth habit is the silent treatment, which is not to be mistaken for planned ignoring. The silent treatment is the behavior that someone does in order to gain control of the situation and punish.

Habit Seven
Habit number seven is a combination of punishing and rewarding behavior. People often like the rewards but hate the rewarder. If punishments worked in deterring people’s behaviors our criminal institutions would be empty.

Habit eight
The eighth habit is the habit of guilting people. Guilting people into doing what you want them to do is manipulation. No one likes to be manipulated.

I’m stopping here although there are many more of these external control habits that we practice in our relationships. You only have to examine what you’re doing under pressure to reveal more ineffective behavioral choices you make. Good luck with that!

Coach bri