CoachBri’s Blog

The unseen cord to your life is slowly detaching
You, a mother losing, a mother

Women dying with surrender is a process she knows
A secret shrine that moves life through her
She forgets the pain and lives the joy and agony of her children
The strength of mother if she is, with autonomy,
Putting her needs on hold for her children
without regret

A daughter losing a mother, a piece of her own womb
Once strong, now frail, the vitality of death releases the mother’s heart
to find its place in the daughter
The last lesson a mother passes to the daughter as life comes, moves,
departs into its own

Every great man comes through women
Every great atrocity is created by men

Woman eventually tire of man
Unless that man leaves his subjective mind
And finds in him his mother, the gift women offers
Unspoken, without intent, humanity embraced to hold peace
and well being to the needy

Coachbri

It was a cool morning and the deep black clouds covered most of the sky. The irises gave off a sweet smell as the wind caressed them in a cool steady breeze. Morning had broken and the promise of another day woke the earth and all its inhabitants. The birds were first, a crow in the distance, and the sparrows and starlings. Every so often the dog would raise her head.  Her ears would perk up; she would give a deep bare tone, and bark at some noise she thought needed some attention. Then her large head would slowly fall to her paws and her ears would relax until the next noise of the waking earth caught her interest.

They arrived about eight on this Sunday morning. Both were well dressed yet seemed at bit rough as they had left Toronto in the wee hours of the morning.

The father led his adolescent son to the door. The son walked slowly and painfully a large distance behind him. As they got near the door the father said in a loud voice to his son:

Come on you little bastard. I don’t want any of your bullshit now. I have driven to this place for three hours and as much as I care you can stay here.

As I opened the door, after a loud aggressive knock, I said in a loud voice:

Welcome to the bastard rehabilitation center! Only bastards are allowed. Are you both bastards?

At this the father stepped back and his son, a handsome blond haired, blue-eyed, fit guy said:

Oh yes we’re bastards alright! He’s the biggest one though! pointing at his father.

The three of us all had a good laugh and they came inside and we sat in the den.

The father started things off.

Well I didn’t expect this – to start out laughing.

No sir. How can I help?

My son behaves like a little bastard, he dropped out of school, is smoking weed and partying all night, won’t work, won’t help out around the house, and steals money from me whenever he can. I have to watch my wallet and car keys, he got a ticket and we have to go to court. He had booze in the car, open, some half-naked slut with him.

She’s not a slut! She’s my girlfriend, you fucking asshole.

Sorry but I agreed that this session is only for bastards. You have to come back tomorrow, that’s my asshole day.

Both laughed and I sat there silently and kept a very serious face. I got out my computer and looked up the word bastard and read this to them.
The word  bastard means:
A contemptible, inconsiderate, overly or arrogantly rude or spiteful person. See asshole, sod.
(informal) A child that does not know his or her father.
(informal) Something extremely difficult or unpleasant to deal with.
Life can be a real bastard.
A variation that is not genuine; something irregular or inferior or of dubious origin, fake or counterfeit.

The father replied:

Well that about sums us up, if you go by definition.

Then the son said:

Doesn’t that apply to everyone, basically?

Yes sirs it does. So it takes one to know one, right sirs?

They both nodded their heads and the son had a smile.

Now can we get to it sirs. Now, all of us are conditioned bastards so why do you come three hours to see another bastard like yourselves?

You helped save my colleague at work’s marriage. He said you helped him with things so I thought we needed your help. So here we are and you can tell the rest. I’m sure you’ve seen it before.

Seen what sir?

This mess of a son! He’s a disgrace! I’m so pissed with him.

Sir I don’t see that!

Well then you’re a fucking idiot like him.

Yes sir my wife would concur with that! Do you know her? Has she talked to you?

This isn’t funny. You’re making my son laugh. This isn’t a joke! I’m pissed.

Dad, lighten the fuck up! You’re such an asshole.

Sorry sir. Do you want to know what I see?

Yes. I’m paying for this bullshit, aren’t I?

I see a man who loves his son, and is desperate to fix him when he himself is broken.  That’s what I see. Sorry Sir!
There was absolute silence for several minutes.

Sirs can you tell me: When did this all start?

Both men were now crying, the young man said:

Dad, tell him. For god’s sake tell him. Say it! Say it!

The father burst into tears and fell back on the sofa. The son just stared at him and shook his head.

Ever since my mom died! That’s what he can’t say. Fucking cancer two years ago and our fucking life has fallen apart.
Yes sir.

Now the son began to cry and this lasted for a good two minutes before a word was spoken.

May I ask you something?

Both nodded.

How do you think you have dealt with this trauma?

The son said:

I just party my fuckin’ brains out. I can’t take him – his bullshit around the house. His moods, his tears, his dates that he goes on and then freaks these people he dates out. He tells me why they aren’t like mom. She’s fucking dead! They’re not mom!

So you’re in pain so you party!  How does that help you?

It’s fucking better than doing what he does.

How is it any different?

It just is! I don’t sit at home and feel sorry for myself.

No, you just don’t let yourself feel!

Yeah, well fuck you! Why the shit did I come up here anyway?

Because you have hope and you’re tired of hurting and you feel safe.

How the fuck do you know what I feel?

Good point! So tell me!

I feel like shit okay? My life is fucked. I miss her too dad. She was my mom! But you’re … fuckin’ fuckin’ …

Fuckin’ what?

I still have a dad!

You mean you still need a dad?

Yeah, of course I do!

But not the one you have now!

No fuckin’ way. He’s got to deal with this for fucks sake. I can’t do this alone!

You can’t do what alone?

Be strong! Mom asked me to be but I can’t. I can’t do this!

Did you ever?

Yes he did, replied the father. Until you and Nancy broke up, right?

Yeah.

What happened?

Nancy was my old friend. Her and mom were really close. Dad liked having her around. She was great but I just couldn’t deal with it all.

So you pushed her away.

Yeah!

That was it my son. She just reminded me of your mom.

Dad that creeps me out!

Not that way. Nancy was just so easy to talk to.

Dad, she was my girlfriend and you were relying on her too much.

For what? I asked.

I don’t know

How about emotional support?

Dad, what do you think?

The father remained silent for some time.

Son, I think you’re right. I’m sorry that you broke up with her because I was too dependent.  You thought I wouldn’t move on. So you got rid of her for me.

Yeah dad! Mom told me you would take it hard. She knew. She told me to watch out for you. She warned me about Nancy, that you’d put too much pressure on her! She told me that.

Now the son was weeping and the father moved over to him and hugged him.

I’m so sorry son, so sorry.

I miss her Dad!

Who do you miss? I asked.

Nancy.

The dad, a little shocked, said, Not mom?

The son replied, Of course I miss mom but she’s dead. Nancy’s alive Dad! Alive!

I know. It’s just that it’s your mom!

Sir, may I ask, is your mother alive?

I don’t know. I never knew her. I was adopted.

Yes. So your wife was everything to you?

Yes she was.

But you still have a son!

Yes. I see that! And a daughter. She lives out west and is married.

Yeah and look at the pressure you but on her to stay. She almost gave up her job, to babysit us.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry! What do we do now?

Life is for the living dad!

You got a pretty wise son here! Why don’t you listen to him? Get closer to each other. Were you ever close?
Yes we used to be! He’s strong like his Mom is!

Was Dad!

Was, okay, was!

Well I think that getting close again is the best option. But can I give you both some advice?

Yeah sure! the son replied.

Try or do new things together, nothing you did with your wife.

No shit. Everything we do depresses him. He keeps bringing mom into it.

Well when your dad chooses to depress, how could you help him?

I can’t.

Right!

And when you choose to self medicate with drugs or drinking, how can he help?

He can’t.

Okay, but if you both work together on your relationship and it works better for you guys, will that help the both of you.

Well I wouldn’t be as depressed.

You wouldn’t choose to depress.

Okay, I need some help with that.

Well, when your son is in pain does he choose drugs?

Yes I do for sure!

Okay okay, I get it.

But I think I would like to see you again.

This was not what I thought it would be. I think I have a lot of work to do.

Me too Dad … like getting Nancy back!

Okay then! So call me and we’ll set up a time.

Sorry to come on a Sunday morning so early.

Anytime sir!

Coachbri

It was a lovely spring morning. The earth was dark and damp and gave off such a rich, earthy smell. The sky looked so turquoise blue over the lake and on the horizon the colors were so soft with no promise of rain.

We walked for some time in the solitude of the morning. He then began to cry. His tears were large and he felt somewhat embarrassed and foolish.

Let them come sir! It is so cleansing to be vulnerable. You are among friends now.

I sorry for all this, I never thought this would happen, but it is there now and I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness.

Yes sir. Let it be there! Do watch it sir and see all of it without any interruption.

But it feels so… so…

Ugly, sir?

Well, I wasn’t going to say that but it does make sense, it is kinda ugly.

Sir, most of us live such a self-centered, ugly existence.  We want to be so much more than what we are. We need to have letters after our name so we seek and broadcast all our accreditation to buff us up so we don’t feels so empty.

That is how I feel – so insignificant.

Yes sir we are! We live such boring lives, and try to establish some profound, deeper meaning to our existence, when really we are petty, shallow-minded and a slave to desire.

I can see that although I have never put words to it before.

Or we are always wanting to be entertained, taken out of our mediocre, boring lives.

My life is boring. Don’t get me wrong – I have done a lot with my life and I am thankful but it all seems to be so heartless. Nothing brings me real satisfaction. I seem to spend my life just active to be active. I feel that I am really running, but don’t know what from.

Yourself sir!

How do you mean? I have a good job, wife, kids, I meet my responsibilities but it is not enough. I want something more but don’t know what!

Yes sir, thought in its very nature creates an ego or self and that self is our existence. As it moves it is always comparing, judging, and evaluating and therefore creates a division between you and your life. That division is the movement of pleasure and pain which is what self is. It is nothing more than a movement of pleasure and pain. We or self are that movement and that movement also keeps itself going and creates a sense of void. That deep void within, being the product of self, is where most human beings are caught. This is the prison humanity is caught in. This is his burden, the source of all his confusion. He is always trying to cover it up and in doing so creates conflict. He rejects any other possible way to live. He is in conflict with himself, because thought divides him against himself. It breaks us up into parts of thought, feeling and action. It is the source of all human anxiety sir. To act out of thinking in the world of technology is the only place for thought to act. Any other place, thought is a burden.  In the matter if relationship and of the heart thought has little place, only to communicate. That is all!

It is true that I am lost! That is the feeling of have.

Yes sir, most of humanity is lost. Lost in the vain pursuits of religion, making money, acquiring something to show others and our self we are someone. And for all this we will go to war! Always creating deeper anxiety for all sir!

This has been so helpful. I thought all these things were locked inside and no words to get them out. Why do I feel so much better, when I think I just looked at how ugly I am.

Sir, the truth acts, it is the thing that sets us free. Right sir?

I must come to your discussion in Toronto. Thank you.

No problem sir!

Coach Bri

It was a cool summer evening, the clouds and the rain had moved on. The earth was fresh and had the poignant smell of freshly spread manure. The true strength of the smell was held back by the stillness of the gentle and inconsistent breeze. The earth was full of moisture by the heavy rains of the past few days. One’s footsteps felt the sponginess of the soaked ground. The little wood cabin held many shades of grey and brown as the last light of the day grazed it. We sat in silence for some time, watching the sun set through the small window. The cabin seemed to take on its own serenity as the evening sky appeared.

It is very quiet here, she began.

Her husband answered: Yes, the wood holds the sound out.

Well how do you know that? she replied abruptly. I am talking about the inside, in here and like always, you have answer to everything.

Well I am just trying to make conversation! This guy hasn’t asked us one question yet!

Well why don’t you ask him one then? she replied abruptly.

For Christ sake, Kay do we even have to fight here?

You see Brian, if it is not his way then it is a fight! I can’t do anything or say anything because I am wrong or his fibromyalgia starts acting up.

Oh so now we are on that again! I’m sorry I have an illness. I can’t figure it out and I am not using it to control you! Well now you see what we do to each other? She is angry all the time and I’m tired of fighting. I have never won a fight with her, ever, in our 16 years of marriage. I have many emotional scars.

This is 18 years dear, just so you know!!!

Okay, 18. Sorry I lost a couple; maybe I wish it was 16! Two years less hell.

Well I’m not keeping you here. You can leave anytime.

You see what I mean! She is such a bitch!!! Why don’t you jump in here? We are paying you to help us and you just sit there!

I’m helping you! And you’re helping me!

How are you helping us? And how are we helping you? I don’t get it.

Well you have been here for about how long now?

I would say about a half hour.

Okay and how long have you been criticizing and venting about each other?

About 30 minutes.

Okay I agree with you! 30 minutes at 80 dollars per hour, so I have made 40 dollars so far. And how do you feel now?

Well I feel better! He probably feels better too but he won’t admit it.

I do feel better but this kind of feels a little messed up.

What does?

Well us paying you for something we can do anyway.

Yes, good, and how is that working for you?

I know it’s not working and that is why I, I mean we, are here.
And how are you helping us!

I will tell you! When you guys are arguing what are you waiting for me to do, or what is your intention?

I want to show you how controlling he is!

And you Tom?

Well I guess for you to see her supreme bitch mode!

Right, I guessed that, so you want me to take sides? Okay I’m going to do that now! I’m going to take the side of your marriage. And so far I think neither of you have done that in some time.

That’s for sure! I know I haven’t. I think Kay has.

Great, then I was wrong and I’m glad I’m wrong! I would like to know when Tom thinks I have because I would agree with you – I don’t feel I have in a long time.

You just have. I know you put up with me a lot my illness and all. I’m a pain in the ass!

What do feel about that Kay?

I think he is playing me and you!

Kay, I asked you how you felt and you gave me how you think. Could you please answer how you feel about it!

About what?

About him being a pain and you putting up with him!

I feel sad, okay? (Tears flooded her eyes, Tom reached for her and she pulled away.)

Okay thank you, you feel sad. Can I ask why?

Can I think now? Or do I have to feel?

Whichever. It is up to you!

Ever since Tom’s father died and his brother took over the business, Tom got sick, our best friend moved away. Tom hasn’t been the same.

Just Tom?

Okay I haven’t been happy either. Tom is just worried all the time and his brother, who got the company because he is older, doesn’t know what the hell he is doing and Tom won’t stick up for himself.

What do you say to that Tom?

He is my older brother, he is family but he doesn’t know what he is doing. My Dad gave the company to him and me but my brother is, well he just…..

An asshole! Christ Tom, just say it! He and his wife lost their company and they are going to lose this one if they keep going in the same direction.

We won’t lose it!

Tom, can I ask you a question? When did your life start to fall apart?

About 14 months ago when my brother made some bad decisions and I realized he real doesn’t get the business.

No it wasn’t Tom. I can remember you being in pain after you found out that your father had changed the will before he died. Tom, remember you came home from the hospital all upset the next day and you couldn’t get out of bed? For the next two weeks you had the flu and you were throwing up daily.

Yes I forgot all that!

Well, when did you get the diagnosis of fibromyalgia?

That was 14 months ago and that was me taking him to the doctor because he couldn’t walk and was in pain all over. Everything hurt!

Tom, what if this illness is self-induced?

I would be happy because living this way is hell!

Tom, have you had any relief in the 14 months?

About three weeks, strange enough.

What happened in those three weeks?

Well the first week I changed my diet completely. We were away for about ten days and I ate a lot of fruit. The other time is when my brother was away on vacation.

Who was in charge when he was away?

It was a joke. He called a meeting and put his assistant in charge.

What’s the joke?

The assistant was my dad’s assistant and she just came to me and we did business as usual.

Can I ask you something? And I really need you to be exact. When he called you into the meeting and told you the assistant was in charge, what did you do?

Nothing. I was fine with it I think.

Bullshit Tom. You called me and you had another attack and I had to come and get you. You were throwing up in the bathroom.

I guess I forgot all that!

Tom, do you want to know what I think?

I see what you’re getting at! You may be right! But why would my body do that to me?

Because you’re now happy and improving but when you don’t listen to your unhappiness it goes under ground and can affect your whole nervous system.

So you’re telling Tom what I have been telling him – to stand up for himself with his brother and grow some balls here!

No Kay, I am suggesting to Tom that he may be choosing this illness because he is having difficulty dealing with his brother, the death of his father, and his troubled marriage.

So I’m not crazy?

No, I’d say more disappointed and hurt!

I have been seeing this shrink and he is telling me that I have a chemical problem and he wants me to go on drugs for depression. He thinks I may be bipolar.

Tom, most of these shrinks have very little idea as to what they are doing. There are some good ones but they don’t buy into their own profession.

You know, when I think of my brother I get so angry!

So angry you make yourself sick?

I think you’re right! Pretty dumb!

No! I think you feel powerless and your relationship with him is hurt too.

We used to be really good friends!

I’m sure you were and that’s why it hurts even more!
Can you come and see me again next week!

I will for sure!

Well how about our marriage? I’m not putting up with this much longer!

Kay, how do you feel about this session today?

I think it was good for Tom! But we have to fix our marriage.

I agree. Will you give me some time Kay? I feel your hunches about Tom are correct. He’s got a good wife here and I don’t think he wants to lose her!

We’ll be back.

Thanks. See you next week.

But what happens if he has another attack!

Just support him through it and be positive. Trust me!
He might not even have one!

Okay, okay.

Thanks Kay.

Coach bri

They came together, a middle aged couple. Both were attractive and well dressed. They sat quietly for some time, and something about them seemed worn out. The woman spoke first.

We got your name from our minister, we saw him for some time, for help but he soon grew tired of us and his answers were not very real, or let’s say faith-based. My husband and I try hard to stay married but there always seem to be a wall around each of us and when we go to talk about it, we seem to end up blaming each other or agreeing to disagree.

The husband spoke and was less direct. He was very handsome and slightly graying, and he weighed what he wanted to say carefully:
I don’t mean to be insensitive but I am really here for myself. For some time now I feel that my life is coming to an end and that I have not reached my enlightened or ultimate reality. I seem to be depressed a lot because life seems so cold with only little moments of happiness. When I have nothing to look forward to it is sometimes unbearable. Our minister said that you were not enlightened or a Christian but he found you had changed his perception of how he sees things, and he respects you.

Okay, so what would you like to talk about?

They both sat for some time and the women commented on how quiet it was in the little cabin. The husband asked quietly, with tears in his eyes: Why do I feel like I am broken, that I have a hole in me that can never be fixed? I, we, have lots of money, good jobs, education, a cottage, the whole nine yards, but this last yard I never seems to make it.

Sir, we have been conditioned to feel very insufficient; we are brainwashed sir to feel we are no good sir, inadequate and insecure.

Well that is the way I feel, like deep down I am no good. I feel the same way but not as strongly as my husband. When the children moved on I began to feel it slightly, but that’s all.

What, if I may ask is, the dominant occupation of your life?

Sorry I don’t know what you mean by that?

What is your deepest interest in life?

Well I guess lots of things, the husband said. His wife replied that she though it was work.

Why does one work for a living?

Because one must eat, live, said the husband.

So you are getting what you want then?

Well yes! But it is not enough!
Is this all there is?

Sir, Madame, please don’t be so quick to answer, take the time to think this out.

I guess most of my life is about making money!

No sir sorry not at all! What is the most important thing in your life? Yourself! Right sir? It is all about you! And what about you?

I guess I am always after this!

Yes sir much deeper than that, you are always after pleasure! You see it sir? That is most human beings’ deepest commitment.

I don’t think ours is! We are looking to fill this hole!

Why Sir?

Because it is too painful to bloody well live with.

So you are in pain and want pleasure to cover it up!

Wow! I guess so.
The wife piped up: He got you there honey!

Sorry but could you put the question to yourself too Miss, if you don’t mind.

I agree with you. I would say I am all about my children. But when I look at it, I want them to do is succeed so I guess if they succeed then if they do so it is still all about me. But why do we both feel so insecure?

It is part of our conditioning to feel the way we are. Our chief occupation is thinking and we give great importance to what we think. Humans have given themselves over to technology.

Why have we done that?

Perhaps because since the dawn of time thinking had to solve problems to keep us alive. The best survivors taught their skill and were revered for doing so – given status etc.

So you are telling me this hole I feel inside of me is very old?

Yes sir, your parents parents, parents, etc had it and strengthened it and now we hold the burden of it.

Well is seems like a burden when you say that.

All knowledge outside the field of technology is a burden!

I don’t understand that, said the husband.
Just a minute, said the wife. Are you saying that technology defines us, that we are our technology?

In a way, knowledge has its place, and as you can see, we are willing to shift theory when it comes to matter and energy. Right?
Now we have gone from Aristotle to Einstein to String theory. Why? How?

Because we had too?

Yes thought has to innovate to make things better.
So this movement in dealing with matter and energy we have applied to our psyche and we deeply feel that as human beings we must become better. Knowledge in the world of technology is power. In the world of the brain knowledge has become our burden because we are not broken but because we give such importance to thinking we believe we are broken.

Holy shit! I mean, sorry, holy shit! I am laughing and I don’t know why!

Because you’re learning something sir! Every time we see through an illusion we are caught in, we have some fun. Learning is supposed to be fun.

I have never in my life thought about what you are saying. This is amazing.

Yes sir! We are brainwashed away from our own natural state.
So naturally we fell into the trap!

That trap is the hole I feel?

Partly sir! The trap is first thought’s need to survive. Then we improve our living conditions by using thought, and then we apply the same movement to our psychology. Therefore we condition ourselves. The trap is giving knowledge so much importance. We become something because technology is always improving and because it is and has constructed who we think we are, we are always convincing ourselves that we too must improve and become better human beings.

I don’t see anything bad in that.

Of course you don’t but are you happy and do you reach your potential as a person?

Well if we were we wouldn’t be here. I think I am at times.

Yes when you can escape from your fear of death, isolation, lack of love, etc.

I see what you mean!

Maybe madam a million years ago we clubbed people down because thought, formed an identification with beliefs, which was the forming of tribes, and they thought differently. So they killed each other with war. Now today we can kill millions with one bomb. That is not progress!
First we identified with the tribe then we invent religion, then politics, then governments etc. But more importantly we live in the greatest self-deception of all.

And what is that?

We live in conflict with each other and that conflict is the battle between two illusions, formed out of the psychology of our own making.

I don’t understand.

Please help me too.

We have formed a self, an ego, based on being brainwashed and we have conditioned ourselves to it from the things thought has innovated over time.

Like what?
Well, as he said honey, religion, right? Do I have it right? But why?

What is the purpose of all religions, self-help books, mediation groups, etc.?

To make us better, develop us! Which I don’t see, we don’t seem to be more loving, things are getting worse. Our greed is at an all time high – you just have to look at what happened in the economy and the bail out, that we’re just so corrupt and millions of people have lost everything.

I know. It is very sad. We are imprisoned by this external psychology, and because of it we can’t really genuinely care for another or ourselves.
So we feel a large void in our life, and try to fill it with pleasure.

This has been so remarkable for us! Thank you.

Now please, it may be for you but maybe not your wife she has to decide and speak for her.

No, I never saw this coming. We heard you on CKNX in the summer and we thought you made a lot of sense.
I just can’t believe the truth of what you speak about. I see a little of why I feel so empty inside.

Yes. Whatever thought creates in the world of religion or growth through psychology is misleading. Thought can never lead us to the place in ourselves that is not put together by thought. Putting thought in its place and finding a different way to live is each human being’s personal journey. A life that has not put thought in it place is a shallow, self-centered life.
I’m glad I could be of service.

Thank you so much!

Coach bri