CoachBri’s Blog

The park was small and quiet. A large river flowed on both sides of the park. After the downpour of rain, the smell of sewage was strong whenever the wind blew through a few tall solitary spaced trees. An old man, walking bent over with a cane, slowly made himself over to the small bench made for one person to sit in the serenity of the green space. As he sat, his hands and movements seemed to be well practised and his long nimble fingers placed the cane comfortably beside him and then he took a deep unencumbered breath. As his chest began to rise and fall he appeared to be somewhat more relaxed and the stress of his weathered face seemed to be removed and lost its hardness. He seemed to sit there for quite some time oblivious to everything around. He seemed very comfortable where he sat and even his feet were placed in a certain position that was known him. The city of Osaka was full of bustle and noise yet in this small quiet green space there seemed to be a break from the known, as well as the noise.

How important it is for us as human beings to be unoccupied and have a mind that is free of all external and internal pressure. Most human beings are occupied all the time with trying to achieve goals, accumulate ideas, money, power, sex or even trying to find the love that they want. We never take the time to look at the fact that we are always so busy inwardly and occupied with so many things that our brain becomes tired, monotonous, and caught in a rut. This rut that human beings are in has become our mediocrity, our prison and our false need of security. We think that through a routine, rituals, traditions, we are safe and protected, protected from hurt, fear and loneliness and all our psychological self-centered problems.

Humankind has been unable to solve many of our external problems such as war, poverty and destroying the environment. These problems themselves are created because inwardly in each of our daily lives conflict, greed, and convenience rule. Each human being has a self and that self is of the greatest importance. We spend most of our time satisfying the self and all its egocentric pursuits. This self is always pursuing pleasure and running away from pain.

Human beings have the greatest difficulty coming to terms with the fact that self is the dominant thing in our lives. When self is the dominant thing in life we lose all sense of relationship. Therefore we are unable to see ourselves as we are because the you that is is defined by your relationship with people and things. We are unable to solve the external problems because we cannot face our internal problems and in this is the revolution that interests me the most. To gather great wealth, have a good position in society, to be well respected for the letters that one has after their name – these are the pursuits of most people. These pursuits are in fact the pursuits of our ancestors and yet they continue in modern world today and are the central cause of the direction we’re headed. We will start looking more and more to other planets in the solar system and spread our poison rather than face ourselves and solve the noise within us.

Everything in life needs the space in order to grow. Even the most beautiful music in the world can be defined by the space between the notes. Inwardly human beings need space. This space means that the noise of thought is not the main occupation of the brain. And then it follows that most human beings would be terrified of such a movement because inwardly their self would not be a priority. Most religions unfortunately have caught onto this and have used methods and systems to get out of thinking, but they cannot see that the methods and systems that they’re imposing are also put together by thinking. Therefore the state of silence that they are trying to achieve is in fact imposed by the noise of thinking. People are happiest when they are doing something they love, mainly being creative. When we are creative, that creativity is in fact a thoughtless action.

As I sat and watched the old man leave and watched another person come and take his place, I began to feel the mechanical mess of ritual. A ritual is something you do over and over that is void of all creativity. In order to be creative, all thinking must come to an end and action flows out of the deep awareness and silence that is not the cultivation of thinking. That action is whole, healthy and responsible. That action is not the action of accumulation or gathering and not part of any premeditated result. In that action there is no regret or flaw because it is void of self. That I believe is the action necessary for change. That action cannot be brought into being through any type of effort, system or method.

I watched the sun slowly move behind the clouds and could feel the coming of another rain. As the sun slowly moved behind the clouds the buildings on the horizon took on different shades of red and gray. There in the beauty of the earth and in this buildings have their place. Several large swans were making their way slowly up the river. Every once in a while they began to honk loudly and then scatter about. On the other side of the river standing between two metal beams was a large beautiful heron. It stood on one of its spindly legs and was absolutely still. In that stillness was its precision. Every so often at lightning speed it would snatch a small fish from the river and then remained perfectly still again. It was a benediction in the current which was full of music and love.

Coach bri

It was a quiet evening in Osaka Japan. The subway had very few passengers and when one arrived at the station and entered into the night there was a tingling rain. The air seemed heavy and out in the night air the city seemed to be slowing down on a busy work week. The team I have been working with has been very successful and tomorrow we will play for a chance to win a medal. The players have been practicing internal psychology with each other after a long period of going external on each other.

No matter what we do in life, nothing is ever perfect. Perfection does not exist, especially in the psychological field. I think the Japanese know this because perfection is not the goal but constant improvement is. When dealing with material things, constant improvement has its place. But when dealing with human beings, perfection becomes a problem and a virus to relationship and performance. Each relationship we have in our life is undergoing a change. It is our ability to be aware of the movements going on in people that strengthens our relationship with them. Whenever you’re unaware of what’s going on in the people you care most about or people you have to accomplish some project with, you are greatly increasing the chance of conflict and ineffectiveness.

The problem in all human relationships is that they are a process, not an outcome. When you focus on the process, a relationship moves in the direction it moves and one begins to look at themselves with the awareness of how to stay connected to that person. When you focus on the outcome, you come to points in the relationship where you say, “we’ve already dealt with this” and this is a constant issue. When you see relationships in this way you are setting up the disconnect because, again, relationships are not an outcome. You can only understand human relationship by observing it, not criticizing, judging, or comparing. In relationships there is no such thing as a rival; every living thing is undergoing a change. We cannot understand that change but we can be aware of the movement of change and be sensitive to how it affects us and the relationship or relationships around it.

What actually happens with human beings is the constant need to create an environment that works for both people. Often when one environment doesn’t work for one of the persons in the relationship, they become critical of the other person or practice some external psychology on them. They do this instead of looking at themselves and their own self-evaluation and understanding what isn’t working for them and what they can do in order to change their environment so they can feel more effective in it. The last thing we want to be is ineffective. And when we feel ineffective then we often poison the environment and practice the habits that destroy the relationship or make the situation significantly worse. The way we poison the environment is when we practice any of the four premises of external control psychology.

The first premise of external control psychology is responding to information personally. When we do this we stop listening to the person and whatever emotion they are expressing, we take what they’re saying into our head and create the disconnect. Now I’m not saying that one should say whatever they want when one is upset. It is very important to be aware of the fact that when you are upset you should be very careful what you say because you can poison the environment. I would repeat a very old saying: It’s not what you put into your mouth that defiles you but what comes out.

The second premise is that whenever we don’t feel good we blame someone or some situation for the way we feel. When we do this what we are really saying is people and situations have the power to make or break me. Some people love to live into this because they then are not responsible for the situations in their life.

The third premise of external control psychology is this notion that when I don’t feel good and I want you or the situation to change. This is a very narcissistic view of the world and people go around trying to change other people and situations all the time to accommodate how they want it.

This leads us to the fourth premise of external control psychology that probably does more damage than all the other three premises put together. The third premise is about changing things outside of us and the fourth premise leads into people who know what’s best for them beginning to know what’s best for everyone. And often the problem is they let people know about it! And when you do this you make huge disconnections with people in a relationship. We often call these people ‘know-it-alls’.

If you look at the world truly you can see what’s happening in your own house, in your own backyard, in your own neighborhood, in your own town, city, province, and country. You will see one or more of these principles being practiced everywhere. All of these principles are really about laying a power trip on other people. When I take information personally it’s my way of fighting back from the person who’s come in at me. When I’m miserable and blame them for how I feel what I’m telling them is that they have to change, which is a pretty powerful position. When I start telling them how to change, well that’s even more powerful. But the most powerful of all is when I know what’s best for people or a situation. This is when you often hear the phrase, “Well who died and made you God?”

What I am really amazed about with this team is their development as people. They are true athletes that are beginning to recognize that the breakdown of other teams, even technically, often does become injected into the relationship between the people on the team. And then the team members start practicing external control psychology on each other. When this happens you can actually see the disconnect between the athletes and the team is unable to respond to pressure situations and therefore they can’t perform at their best.

It kind of makes a lot of sense: if you want to have and see people succeed in life, build environments for them that are caring, supportive and loving. Stay away from criticizing, blaming, threatening, ‘guilting’, humiliating, rewarding and punishing to control (just to mention a few of these external control habits!). Success in any endeavor that human beings do is dependent upon the health of the relationships. Healthy relationships adapt quicker than poor relationships. Healthy relationships support each other in times of trouble and find a way to succeed. Healthy relationships have broad shoulders, suspend judgment and are sensitive to the needs of the person. There is no arrival point!!! Just always live every day as a fresh beginning.

Coach bri