CoachBri’s Blog

Welcome. I’m Brian. How can I be of use?

Hi. You spoke at our center on relationships and I have just gone through a terrible time with my husband and from what you said I think I am to blame for some of our problems. I felt very upset after you talked but I also felt some relief. It seemed to bring some understanding to my situation. My husband was there and he came over and apologized after your talk. He had tears in his eyes and I have never seen him cry, ever. And I mean ever.

How long have you been married?

Eighteen years with two kids and a dog!

So what brings you to talk today?

Well, he and my brother’s ex wife had an affair.

I see. How did you hear about it?

He told me! He was very straight up about it about a week after it happened. He told me at breakfast. After he said “I took out the garbage honey “, he added, “By the way, I should tell you I have done something really bad”. So that was that. Like he broke my favorite vase or something.

What did you do?

Nothing, until he told me who it was, then I was very silent. Till I called you.

So you haven’t talked a lot since? How does that feel?

No so good!

What have you been thinking about?

Just how things in our life are just the same, we even sleep in the same bed. In fact, I hate to admit it but it is better now than it has been in a long time.

Okay, that’s good that it’s better, but better than what? No one comes to a counselor after an affair to tell them they how found marital bliss!

It is far from bliss but I did say it was better.

Better than what?

All the fighting we were doing! His demands, my demands, nothing new!

Nothing new maybe but was your marriage working before the affair?

No! Same old, same old that married couples feel I guess.

It’s not the same old same old now is it?

No!

So what is it?

Well it is kinda exciting, not the affair part but for some reason I feel shocked and more attracted to him again! Does that sound crazy? Like I’m shocked he did it! But it kinda makes me rethink things. I’m crazy, maybe stressed out or something.

I don’t think you’re crazy. Far from it!

Have you had this before?

People have affairs for all kinds of reasons but in every case I have worked with, they are a sign of unmet needs in a relationship.

I don’t think we had any unmet needs in ours.

You said earlier that you feel you have some part in that relationship. Can you talk about that?

I’m just a bitch I guess is the best way to describe it. I never kinda speak very nice to him. We have grown apart maybe; we just don’t do anything together.

How do you feel about that?

That’s the strange thing – it never did before the affair but now I don’t like who I am with him and our marriage is not too good.

Just a minute, your marriage wasn’t good before the affair. You weren’t happy about it.

How do you know that?

Well, you said you didn’t treat him well, and that you were a bitch! Do you think happy people are bitchy?

No I guess not!

So after the affair what changed about you?

I wasn’t the same old bitch!

So how do you feel about that?

I feel better; I really dumped on him a lot!

How?

Nagging I guess, because he wouldn’t listen to me!

Would you want to talk to someone who is always nagging you?

No I guess not! But he’s the one that had the affair! It’s not my fault!!

When he came up to you and said sorry and had tears in his eyes, what did you think?

I thought he loved me and he was sorry!

Sorry for what?

Well he told me that night!

What did he tell you?

That he’s sorry for not being there for me and he just can’t fight anymore!

Okay, so do you believe him?

Yes! Yes I do?

And the affair?

I know her. She a drinker and always liked him and she threw herself at him!

Do you know that for sure?

No and I don’t want to know!

Why not?

It’s happened, it’s over and he feels bad enough. I can see that and I know what she’s like. Do you think I can make it work?

Hell girl, you have a pretty good approach to all this but a marriage is two people willing to make it work.

So you don’t think this is strange, and I’m losing it?

No. What matters is how you see it and what you want and what you’re willing to do to have a better marriage and I think I can help you guys.

Well, he wanted to come and see you but I need to come first. I wanted to know I was okay.

I think this is one of those times when an affair can help people to choose to have a better marriage. And I think you’re on the right track. Would you both be able to come and see me together?

Yes I would like that!

Good, so would I.

He went to a doctor before and he gave him some pills for depression, but my husband wouldn’t take them. After he heard you talk he felt he had made the right choice, even though he thought his depression made him have an affair.

No I don’t think depressed people do that! I haven’t seen any anyway.

Thanks again. Can I come back next week?

Sure. Talk to your husband and we will set up a time.

Coach bri

These four premises or conditions are embedded deep in our personal psychology and are the root cause of conflict and misery within all our relationships.

Premise One
Most people think that when we feel something the source of that feeling is outside ourselves. In our belief system we have been conditioned to think that a stimulus from outside forces us to think, feel or do something. In our language we use phrases like: “You make me so mad!”, “You hurt my feelings!”, “You pushed my buttons!” or “You make me angry!”. This first premise gets practiced the most when we take information personally. We seem to do this more when we are under pressure.

Premise Two
This premise is practiced when we don’t feel good and we blame that feeling on someone or something outside of ourselves. So people will say something like this: “I don’t feel good and it’s your fault”. These people are blamers.

Premise Three
In the third premise people often use language like, “Not only do I not feel good but I know how you should change”. This behavior is about taking one’s unhappiness and trying to change other people or other situations rather than change.

Premise Four
Premise four is practiced when, as we mature in our lives, we gather a sense of what we know is best for us. Then we get this tremendous insight that begins to be practiced in our relationships which is this: “Not only do I know what’s best for me, I also know what’s best for you”. Or, simply put, I know what’s best for everyone else. When this happens this is one of the greatest sources of human misery within a relationship. Knowing what one is best for people immediately creates disconnection. especially with teenagers.

I believe that anyone can take any relationship in their life that they are having problems in and see one or more of these premises being practiced. These premises are practiced in many sophisticated ways in our behaviors. Here are some of the ways that they are practiced:

Habit One
The most damaging habit of all is the habit of criticism. If you want to make your relationship better with anyone, stop criticizing.

Habit Two
The next habit that destroys relationship is humiliating people to control them. I think this speaks for itself.

Habit Three
The third habit is blaming other people for one’s mood. Often people that practice this habit are faultfinders.

Habit Four
The fourth habit is the habit of complaining. People love to complain to avoid self-evaluation.

Habit Five
The fifth habit is nagging. No one ever likes to be nagged about anything. Do it and it destroys connection.

Habit Six
The sixth habit is the silent treatment, which is not to be mistaken for planned ignoring. The silent treatment is the behavior that someone does in order to gain control of the situation and punish.

Habit Seven
Habit number seven is a combination of punishing and rewarding behavior. People often like the rewards but hate the rewarder. If punishments worked in deterring people’s behaviors our criminal institutions would be empty.

Habit eight
The eighth habit is the habit of guilting people. Guilting people into doing what you want them to do is manipulation. No one likes to be manipulated.

I’m stopping here although there are many more of these external control habits that we practice in our relationships. You only have to examine what you’re doing under pressure to reveal more ineffective behavioral choices you make. Good luck with that!

Coach bri