CoachBri’s Blog

He was a well-dressed middle-aged man and he had an air of quietness about him. He sat down and started to talk.  He asked me a few question about the cabin and then said he was a minister and got my name from a college in Chatham.

Okay sir, how can I help?

I have come because I am having great difficulty with my wife and I think we are close to separating. She was very upset with the fact that I was coming here for help. She feels that nothing can be done because she feels I am married to the church and nothing I do or say to her now is going to change that!

Is she right sir?

I love my work and I feel I am good at it but there are times when one must draw a line in the sand and hold one’s ground.

Is she right sir?

I am a reasonable man and have many responsibilities so the needs of the congregation must come first.

Is she right sir?

I think you would like me to answer that question!

It would be helpful! So…

My wife sure thinks so!

But what you think is far more important, is it not?

I guess that’s true.

What’s true?

I tend to put the needs of the church ahead of our relationship. But that’s what is supposed to happen and she married a minister. She knew what she was getting into.

Sir, my question is this: Do you neglect her?

She would say yes!

Sir, she is not here. What matters is what you think of your behaviour or what you think of your relationship.

I think the community would see us as a loving couple. We never air our dirty laundry in public.

Sir, what do you think of your relationship?

Look, I am giving you the best answer I can, the best way I know how. You are beginning to sound like my bloody wife with all this talking down to me. I’m not a fool you know! Lots of people depend on me and look up to me!!  I’m a good minister!! A damn good one.

Now red faced and embarrassed, he sat silently for some time. The floodgates opened and soon large tears as thick as sand were streaming down his face. They seemed to gather at the end of his nose as he held is head in a guilty way.

So sorry so sorry … I don’t usually behave like this. Other people do that with me and I can take it. But I feel that I shouldn’t be like this. It’s just that…

…That you are human sir! And trying to be all things to all people has you in a pickle with your wife!

Yes… Yes… I think so! But I do love her.

Sir, does love neglect?

I DON’T NEGLECT HER, OKAY?

What do you call it?

I’m busy!!

So how is being busy helping you have a loving marriage?

Well it isn’t.

So what do you want?

I want to do my work in peace, that’s all! But she makes it almost impossible for me sometimes.

What times?

Well when I have to write a sermon for Sundays. She knows what I’m doing but she will always bother me about something … The kids or needing something at the store…little things like that.

Okay, so you have children too?

Yes.

Okay and how close are you to them?

Close, but according to her not enough!

According to you are you close?

Here we go again!

Sir, who determines your happiness, you or your wife?

Well she does!

Who determines how happy you are at being a minister?

The people in the pews.

Okay, so what does that mean?

What are you driving at?

If your wife determines your happiness and your congregation determines your happiness then how do you ever get those two together?

I can’t!! That is why I am so, as you said, in a pickle!

Sir, if your wife determines your happiness it is like saying a good preacher is a good preacher because the pews are full.

Yes!

But is that true?

So you’re saying if the pews are empty I’m a bad preacher.

Yes! What do you think?

Well no I think it is possible to be a good preacher but the pews still be empty!

Okay sir. Now, who determine your happiness?

I guess I do!

How do you know that’s true?

Well, people can say what they want or not, if I feel I gave it my all then I am happy!

Now do you think you are giving your best to your congregation?

Yes I love my work! I know I’m good at it!

How do you know?

I get lot of compliments and enrollment is up. I started new programs and the people that hired me are pleased.

Now your marriage – are you giving it your best?

Yes!

What kind of feedback are you getting from your wife? Are you putting as much care into your relationship with your wife as you do your church? Now please answer honestly – I said care.

No!

Okay, if you did, what would that look like?

I guess I would be home for dinner more and not read so late at night.
But dinnertime is a good time to see family dynamics and problems! What are your family dynamics at dinnertime if you’re not there and it is all on your wife’s shoulders?

Well, not good!

So what perception will your kids grow up with regarding their father?

I guess that I wasn’t around enough!

Yes, you know this. What happens in a family where there is the absent father?

Okay, I get your point!

Well what is it?

I know it well – my father was like that!

He was never around?

Yes!

How did that feel for you?

Real bad! I hated him for it.

And now you’re becoming him! What’s that passage, the child inherits the sins of his father or something?

You’re right! I see it!! Sorry I guess I didn’t see that coming!

Yes sir truth is and then you have choice to follow it sir!

I see that, thank you! I know what I must do, I’m sorry I bothered you with this!

Sir the truth is the thing that sets us free! But sometimes we must remove what is false to see it. I hope this is helpful sir!

Tremendously, thank you.

You’re welcome

Coachbri

You presented to the OHL and my brother spent two days with you and he recommend that I come and see you. Before we get started I want to let you know that I feel my life is pointless. I lost a boyfriend of eight years – we were supposed to be married but he now is in med school and I have been depressed for about three months. I went to a psychic and she helped me get through the depression. But now I feel it is returning and my family is angry with me for the amount of money I have spent. But I feel this person has helped me a lot.

Yes. May I ask how?

Well, she seemed to know all about me. When I came in the room she could tell I was really hurting about something, and she knew he chose a job over me.

Miss, please, can we look straight at this? I know you are in some kind of pain, because no one goes to a psychic or counselor to tell them that their life is fantastic and they just have to pay someone to tell them to shout it from the rafters.

No, I guess not.

You are here because 1) You are looking for some help, perhaps looking for some meaning to your problem that makes sense to you; 2) You want some confirmation that this guy is a real ass and treated you in some way you didn’t deserve; Or 3) you are looking to find out the truth and will stop all this psychic business that you know is a pack of lies and manipulation.

Well I don’t think it is!

Yes I know!

If it is not, why are you here? Why not see your psychic?

I promised my brother I would give you a chance.

A chance to what?

Help  me!

When is the last time you saw your psychic?

I really don’t want to discuss her!

Yes, I know. Why not?

Sure told me to avoid doubters.

I’m sure. That is one of the big manipulations!
What is?

Like born again Christians telling their new recruits that if people question, that is Satan trying to pull you to the dark side. So they then back that up using scripture. Then the brainwashing begins!

So now you’re saying I’m brainwashed?

No miss. I’m saying when we want something we can be deceived. And one of the biggest things about deception is being confused. Whenever we get confused we look to some authority rather than self-evaluate.  This leads to self-deception because we don’t want to know the truth of the situation that we are at the heart of our own misery.

I am not happy being depressed!!

No one is, but you depress, you’re in pain.

And the pain is?

You tell me!

That he won’t marry me!!

Yes but that isn’t the real pain is it?

I think it is! Okay! It’s my pain! For shit sake!

Well I don’t think you’re upset for three months because of him!

Then what for?

How many times has he promised to marry you?

A few!

So what would happen?

We go to one of mine or his friend’s weddings or showers and I would end up upset.

Yes. Then what?

I don’t know. What the fuck are you doing this to me for?

Doing what?

I feel like I’m in court!

Yes and who and what is on trial?

I feel I am!

And for what?

You’re being so goddamn stupid!!! Alright, I’m goddamn stupid!

How do you see yourself as stupid!

Because I tried to get him to marry me and I know he wouldn’t!

What told you that!

We would fight after something, he would leave, then we would get together and talk and he’d say that he just needed more time. So I would give in and then it would start all over again!

So eight years of this? Wow, you must have worked real hard with this guy!

I did! Now look what I have to show for it!

What?

Nothing!

I think you’ve got more than nothing.

What then?

You’re not lying to yourself anymore!

You just keep kicking when someone is down, don’t you!!!

I’m not kicking you and you know that! You’re kicking yourself and for a long time now!

I think you’re right! I’m sorry. I’m just so angry.

Yes, better than depressing, is it not?

So you say I’m choosing it?

Well when you think about how stupid you are, I think the feeling that goes with that is anger. But when you think about all eight years and time wasted and you getting older and you never finding someone….

Okay, I get your point… then I depress! (at this point she laughed)

Yep and now because you’re laughing you seem to have learned something about yourself. Can you tell me what?

I think I’m going to be okay, I can get through this!

Yes you’re not the first attractive young women who got mixed up with the non-marrying type of guy.

No I guess not!

No and there’s a good outcome here! You will find someone and be married. There’s lot of time – unless you have a terminal illness.

Just stupidity!

Well that’s getting better – you just moved towards wisdom today and I see more of it in the future.

So you’re a psychic now! I should pay you your 150 bucks!

Wow, if you’re paying that, I should become one!

Well how do you explain she knew it was a man in my life?

How many women see a psychic about a man in their life?

Okay, a lot I guess!

When did you start seeing her?

About three months ago!

How do you explain her knowing my relationship with my brother and how closer we are?

She said I see another man in your life he really cares for you and is loving and supportive. And you said that sounds like my brother. And you said yes!  Then you told her how close you are and see saw many qualities in him etc.

Oh my God! That is exactly how it happened!

Yes so now does that make me a psychic?

Okay, I see what you mean!

I’m not trying to be rude miss but human beings are so gullible and naïve.

Well I don’t see myself that way!

Yes and is that not the problem?

That kind of hurts! I didn’t come here to be insulted.

No but you stay after eight years with this guy. You must have got he wasn’t going to marry you!

I was hopeful.  Okay, okay I was the one that always called him and said I was sorry for the pressure.

Yes more truth! And how did you feel after you called him

Not very good!

So what did you have to say to him?

I see now I had to talk him into it!

Are you seeing that for the first time now today?

Yes!

And what is that like?

Like looking in a big mirror and seeing a fool! I guess love makes a fool of all of us!

Come on! If you married him, how long do you think it would last?

Not long. He’s so selfish!

Yes and some people I believe should never get married because they are too selfish. They don’t make good partners. They are not bad people they just aren’t cut out for marriage.

We he is one of them! But the other thing is we made a good couple. He’s nice looking and loves my looks, we would have had handsome kids.

But he didn’t love you enough to marry you, looks and all.

Yeah I know! You just say it don’t you?

Yeah enough men in your life have lied to you so I though I would be truthful.

I don’t know which one I like best!

I think you’re sick of lying to yourself and being lied too.

Yeah you’re right. At least I know where I stand.

In any healthy relationship where you stand is as important as what you’re standing on. If the foundation is lies, you build deception. If it is based on openness and honesty, you have trust.

You know I didn’t trust him?

Did you trust yourself?

No!

That means you were probably very needy!

I am! WAS!

Okay, good!

Can I see you again? This was shocking but good!

Sure. Let’s get together next week!

Thanks.

You’re welcome.

Coachbri

The rain had the ferocity of the wind behind it. It came in quickly and left the earth full and soaked with water. Many puddles had formed in the fields; the earth around the puddles was black and rich. The seeds planted beneath seem to grow before ones eyes as lightly green shoots spun to life.

She was very quiet and not sure why she had come.

You saw my husband and he is not the same man since and I really can’t figure him out. He’s stopped criticizing me and he’s dropped his constant demand for sex. So I have come to see you because I think you or him are up to something.

Like what?

Some plan! Whatever! I know my husband and since we’ve been married he has always demanded sex from me at the most inopportune times.

Yes he told me about that!

Well I wondered why he did that! He never really talks to me about anything. He just goes off and sulks. He behaves like another kid, for shits sake.

Yes he is aware of that as well. He told me that he sulks a lot when he doesn’t get his way.

He sure does! And I’m sick and tired of it. It’s another demand, a pressure, and between the kids, the house, and looking after some of my own needs I don’t need another person whining at me.

Yes he seems to know that!

Well that’s what he does. It is so unattractive that he’s so dependent on me. What’s wrong with you men! All my girlfriends say the same thing about their husbands. We laugh at you guys, you know!

I’m sure you do! But are any of your girlfriends divorced?

Yes they are.

Do they laugh at their husbands, now that they’re divorced?

No, they hate them!

Maybe your husband feels that divorce isn’t an option for you and he doesn’t want that to happen.

So what you’re telling me is that he thinks I’m having an affair?
Well no, I’m not.

I sure could have. That’s easy and with the way I look, men are always flirting with me. I seem to have that type of body that men like. They’re all the same! But one man for another man would be just another set of the same problems. I’m not interested in that.

So what kind of marriage are you interested in?

One that works!

Is it working now?

Well what did my husband say?

He said a lot! But none of which I can really discuss with you!

And why not??

I care about your marriage and I am willing to fight for your relationship for your marriage even when sometimes people don’t.

So you’re colluding with my husband?

No. Maybe I’m colluding with your marriage.

What the hell does that mean?

If you came to see me about your marriage to your husband and then he came to see me, would you want me telling you what you said in confidence to me?

Yes, why not? You’re supposed to tell us!

Well I don’t think doing that would help your marriage. Me telling you that your husband came to me and took responsibility for his behavior I feel is not breaking his trust. I think your husband won’t be upset about that he knows he’s made mistakes he doesn’t want to lose you. And I really think he is worried about that.

I know that in last two weeks I’ve been living with a different man and it’s really pissing me off.

So things are worse now?

Yes!

Well why is that?

Now I feel so guilty for the way I’ve been treating him.

Well so that means you’re starting to do a little self-evaluation. Is that so bad?

Well I guess not but I did fool around on him. But I ended it yesterday.

Why yesterday?

Well I knew I was coming to see you and my husband has been treating me so different. The affair lost all its appeal I think! I don’t know. I guess I see him trying so hard … I don’t know guilt maybe.

Can I ask you a question? It may help you understand it if you answered it.

Yes sure!

When you noticed your husbands change, when did that start?

About four weeks ago, I think.

What happened?

I just gave up fighting him and just gave him sex. Let him do his thing and get off and be done with it.

How did you feel about that?

I felt depressed, lonely, sad, and guilty.

Did he have any response to this?

Yes he stopped having sex with me and asked me what was wrong.

Do you think he knew something was up?

Why do you say that?

Well, what did you do in the past with his demands?

Just refused him and made him wait till I was ready!

What would he do?

Whine and act like a child. Give me the silent treatment. Same old bullshit men do!

But he didn’t, did he? He saw you change and he didn’t like it!

I guess not!

Is it possible that he figured something out?

Like what?

That he finally heard you and he doesn’t want to lose you.

Yes but why now?

Because you did something differently that you have never done before.

Which is?

You gave in to him! You had an affair, you depressed! But more important, he surprised you. Didn’t he?

Yeah he did, I thought he would end the marriage as much as I thought he wanted to.

What made you think that?

Well I thought he was as miserable as I am. I turn him down a lot; I criticized him all the time. But since your session with him he’s talking to me more and I know he listened to you because he explained to me that when I criticize him like I do I sent him the message I don’t love him and therefore he tries to do what most men do – have sex to reconnect. He said it really hurts him when I criticize him and if I have sex with him there is still hope.

Do you think he’s right?

You mean do I think you’re right?

No! He’s the one that gave you that information; I’m not your husband. How I think or not doesn’t impact your marriage.

How do I know this is genuine?

You don’t, you have to find out. Your marriage can be saved if you are willing to start caring less about what he or you want and more about what is best for your marriage, your relationship.

Yes I guess our relationship is real … too right.

Yes – a living, breathing thing depends on how you treat each other.

I think we need your help!

Sure that’s what I do – deal with people who want out of their self-inflicted misery.

So you think this is self-inflicted.

Yes. All throughout history human beings refuse to evolve psychologically. We are still in conflict and refuse any other way of living. The world is becoming a more dangerous place.

That seems so sad!

Don’t you feel the sorrow of your life?

Yes I do! Thank you. I must come again.

Sure!

Coachbri

We were loading up the truck with great speed and efficiency. In the distance we could see the coming rain as it speckled the sky in tiny dark spots that were to reach the earth. You could see the clear line of wind and rain as it hadn’t reached us yet but when it did we would be soaked to the bone. We got the truck and trailer loaded and headed to the dump and the change in wind prevented the rain from reaching us full force. As we entered the dump, the ground was thick with dark black mud. The truck and trailer slid their way up the low-grade hill until it reached the top and we emptied it quicker than we filled it. The man at the dump came out to greet us. He slowly looked over the things we were dumping as if he was looking for buried treasure. His eyes lit up and you could easily see that what we were hauling in was of some use to him. He patiently helped us unload the truck and trailer and took the things he wanted to a different area close to his shed. He had the hands of the working man – strong, dirty, cut, but full of knowledge and experience. He was a man that knew how to use his hands and they were his livelihood. When we were empty he returned from his shed and gave us a bill. We paid it and left.

The dump is a very interesting place: people bring the things to it that they no longer want or think have value and discard them. The old man at the dump saw this junk and it was clear he had no hesitation in investigating what was brought into the dump and directed each person carefully where to dispose of it. It made me think of “one man’s garbage is another man’s treasure” and I sat with the psychological implications of that statement for quite some time. It was almost 4:00 p.m. and after I had showered, I sat in the study waiting for my next appointment.

There was a strong knock at the door. I got up and answered it and invited the person in. I noticed by his walk and entrance his movements were very quick and stiff. He seemed to have a lot on his mind and had come to tell the story and wanted definite answers.

Hello sir. My name is Brian.

My name is Jon. I received your name from the pastor of my church and he told me that I may benefit from speaking with you. I live in London and on the drive up for an hour I’d been running thoughts through my mind, trying to decide what to talk to you about. Also I noticed the closer I got to your house the less interested I seemed in talking.

Okay sir that’s fair! Where would you like to begin?

I guess the problem is my wife. I just don’t understand her!

Sorry sir, I’m not trying to be rude, but why don’t you try spending time understanding yourself? That seems like a better investment of your time and money!

Well I know ultimately I’m here about my, my …?

Your unhappiness sir!

Yeah maybe that’s it. I just don’t get women!

Sir, what do you mean by “just don’t get”?

I don’t understand them. I don’t seem to be able to get along with them. Well, I never have!

Do you mean being able to get along with them or her in particular?

Yes, my wife you mean?

Okay, your wife. What would that look like?

We wouldn’t fight so much, we’d have a great sex life, we would be able to be together and enjoy each other’s company, she wouldn’t criticize me so much, I wouldn’t always be insecure with her, she would listen to me, she’d just do what I say.

Okay. So in other words she would love you the way you want to be loved!

Yes that about sums it up.

Sir, isn’t she saying the same thing about you, that if you loved her, you would love her the way she wants you to be loved.

Yeah I guess that sounds right.

Sir…

Can you please call me Jon?

Okay Jon. Throughout the dawn of time men have lived in conflict with woman.

Well I’m not convinced of that!

I’m not trying to convince you of anything. You can see it in your own life with your wife!

See what?

See the fact of the conflict!

And the conflict is?

Between you and her. Your ego bumping up against her ego!

Well I think that’s in everything. It is not just between men and women.

I agree with you Jon but you are here about a relationship with your wife.

Yes I am but your comment really covers all human relationship, doesn’t it?

I’m not sure but just for now let’s keep it as the conflict between you and your wife and let’s gain an understanding of that. I believe we can do that sir if you want. As men are we willing to take a journey together and take a hard look at ourselves so that we can look and see how deeply we are conditioned and how very little questioning of that conditioning goes on? And because we don’t question and examine our thinking but are conditioned, we have lost touch with our maleness therefore we are in conflict with woman.

Well there is no doubt that I’m in conflict with my wife. Most of the time I don’t like her and all the things she stands for.

Yes. Or you have a deep resentment for your wife!

Yes I guess I do.

How do you know that this resentment is an absolute indisputable fact?

While now that you’re discussing it I do feel I have a strong resentment of my wife. As a matter of fact I can’t seem to get close to her and get her approval.

Jon, your resentment is deeper than approval. You hate the fact that you need her far more than she needs you. Women are now saying I want a man in my bed but I don’t want them in my home. We’re coming to that more and more.

I don’t get what you’re saying! I need her more than she needs me? I don’t think so!

Jon, what do you want from your wife?

I want her to meet my needs so that I can be happy!

Which means what? You see her as your source of happiness and that source of happiness is outside of you in her.

Yes I would agree she is a source of my happiness.

Now do you really think you’re the source of happiness in her life?

Not like she is for me!

That’s my point. Men, since the dawn of time have sought happiness from sources outside of themselves. Not finding it in woman, we resent them, their power.

This is getting very complicated. I’m pretty easy-going guy. Just fuck me the way I want it, yeah, the way I want it and she can pretty much get everything from me she wants and needs.

Yes Jon you have just put it perfectly: your conditioning of woman is they are there for your pleasure, and the more pleasure she gives you the more she covers up your inadequacy.

I didn’t say that!

Let’s be real Jon. Don’t you want your wife for sex?

Well it’s a bigger part of the relationship then it is for her!

Which means what? You want it more often than she does and when you get it the way you want it you perceive your relationship to be what?

Fantastic I guess.

Okay, so when are you in conflict with your wife?

What? I don’t get it!

So you’re dependent on her to give you pleasure. When she doesn’t give that to you, what do you do?

I don’t know. Stay away I guess. Keep out of her way.

More than that Jon. Don’t you try to bully her, get moody, manipulate her, pout, see strippers, pornography, hang out with the boys etc?

Yeah I guess you’re right, if I’m being honest.

Why wouldn’t you want to be anything but honest?

The conversation were having right now is very different. I’m not used to talking to people like this!

Yes I know it’s very hard for men to be honest. Most men will debate theoretical physics, politics, economics, but very few men will really discuss the matters of the heart. Sex for most men meets their sense of loving and belonging, a deep need that exists in most human beings. Men really believe and have been conditioned to think that sex satisfies that need. But all that does is inflame the appetite for the behavior of sex. Now I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with having sex – it has its place. But unless we face our deep resentment of woman, we can’t go beyond.

I don’t understand this deep resentment of women! I don’t think that’s in my life!

So tell me what happens when you get together with a group of male friends, especially when there’s drinking.

Well, we joke around a lot!

No you don’t joke around a lot. What happens is you attack each other jokingly, you dig at each other, criticize each other all done in fun, until one guy really gets ganged up on, made a fool of, and all the guys laugh when he gets pissed off. Everybody hates to be that guy that gets picked on but the fact is that’s how most males relate with each other, to different degrees.

Okay I see what you’re saying. That’s true but why?

Because we are all so frustrated!

Frustrated about what?

Frustrated with the fact that we need women far more than they need us. We try to connect through the intellect which doesn’t work. So we spend our time humiliating them in all kinds of ways because of our own inadequacy. Our own frustration is from not knowing how to find happiness from a source inside ourselves. So when we can’t we addict to all kinds of things. Addiction is always the sign of dependency caused by inadequacy within ourselves. That’s the pain, and woman was born with purpose, a vessel of creation that doesn’t have a clue how to nurture a man. Therefore we have conflict and all the anger and brutality that go with it.

This is really rattling me! I just don’t know what to say. I see some truth in what you’re saying but the problem seems so overwhelming. I can’t tell my wife what I really think of her. I know in my heart what I really want to do is humiliate her. I want to hurt her as bad as she hurts me. I am so sick of her independence and her strength and… and!

The fact she doesn’t need you!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Jon I know this is difficult but when are you happiest with your wife?

When I’m not so dependent on her and my life is filled with other things. I just don’t know if I can remain married. A part of me knows I love her yet by what we’ve discussed that seems to be a contradiction.

Yes you’re right it is the very structure of thinking, which is at the root of conflict, is a contradiction. The point of all this Jon is to face the fact of your conditioning without condemning or justify it. If you can perceive all the disorder in your relationship with your wife, then something new takes place. And that newness has nothing whatsoever to do with thought or the thinking process. Thinking is where we hide, where we lie, where we resent. Face it Jon and see it as it is.

I know this is just the beginning for me and I know why my pastor sent me to you. This conversation is very profound to me, so thanks. I know I would like to come back and see you but I need little time to digest all this.

I understand, come back whenever.

Coach Bri

The morning sun was bright and there was the promise of the clear blue sky. In the large hall people were gathering before the talk and I had no idea what to talk about. My brain was nervous, nothing was coming at all. I felt like a mute giving a speech.  Thought would jump in at times and be very self-critical. (Why are you talking? You’re an idiot. You can’t even read or write. Who the hell is going to listen to you?) I gave my full attention to this and it melted away.

People that morning seemed to be fed up with winter and the promise of the heat that day brought its own excitement. Nervousness was everywhere within and without. Self was in full protection mode. (Why do you talk? You are just like any man, you’re not special, you have no gifts! I talk because I am like every man – we all have the same problems one way or another, that is why I talk! You must make yourself vulnerable, and demand that they be too! As long as self is here vulnerability is not.) Thought went on like this for some time, and I gave all of my attention to each and every thought. After the introductions I was called to enter the large room filled with people, as thought snapped at my heels.  I could hear the putdowns of my father slowly dying as I walked across the stage and sat down on a small wooden chair. Those voices of ghosts now dead, coming back to haunt me, dissipated as I sat and looked over the audience. I still had no idea of what to say. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and waited for the rhythm of my own silence.

To be vulnerable to the one that is most critical to us is very difficult to do. That is why, if we want to be in relationship with someone, it is best never to criticize, no matter what. To tell the truth to someone that would harm the relationship is a contradiction.  For the truth told without love is a lie. Marriage is so unnatural when people marry out of loneliness or the need for procreation. For what good is a marriage if it is full of lies or deception or bullying each other to fulfill needs? Most people today use marriage as a means for economic existence. They have forgotten the most important element of marriage: To keep learning how to end the conflict between the feminine and the masculine.  To be as one, the part of man that is the guide, protector of his own soul and keeper of his wife’s heart and trust. And the women: the vessel of creation, the nurturer that can take the brokenness of a man and help him to find meaning. This delicate balance of learning is mostly lost and therefore we raise children caught in vines of the lies of our own making.  As our generation blames the one before, they impart the same blame on us and they are right.   Life then becomes about hiding through becoming something.

We are tangled up in all the lies of humanity and the only thing that has changed is technology, which has driven us to distraction of pleasure, for convenience or the easy life. That is what we are all looking for, is it not? We can’t grow closer and invite relationship when the people we want to connect to see us as their greatest critic.  Relationship, love, and compassion demand vulnerability. To unravel the lies we have bought into and to change our psychology has and is the greatest challenge humankind will and always face.

Coachbri

It was about 4:45am and one awoke without any sense of being tired. Thought was held quiet without motive and all explanations as to the doing of thought were perceived.

He was a quiet man and arrived early, around 7:00am, because that is what his schedule demanded. He had lost his wife to another man and the children were acting out. He was all about her and her problems and had justified his own cruel treatment of her as necessary and had come to me for help.

Sir, may I ask you something? How does telling me all your wife’s problems make your life better?

Well, it doesn’t, I guess, but I feel better to vent.

Yes sir. Venting is you evaluating her life but where does it leave you at the end of it?

Nowhere! I just feel better!

So when you leave here you feel better but essentially nothing has changed, right sir? You are back in your rotten petty life – lonely, angry, and full of resentment, needing to vent again about her to someone else.

Yes but she left me! With the kids for another man! And that hurts. So what is wrong with that?!

Sir, divorce is an ugly thing but not half as ugly as a loveless marriage.

But I loved her. We had a good thing going!

Sir, people don’t leave a good marriage for something better. People leave a marriage because the marriage they have is loveless. And you are angry because you didn’t see it coming.

But I did love her and still do!

No sir. What you love is what you used to have with her and you love the image of what you would create if she came back or you could win her back. If you had love between you, you would still be married.

So why do I want her back then?

Because sir you are lonely, afraid of life. Afraid to get on with your life and get rejected again, right sir?

I see what you’re saying.

Sir, if you have love you don’t control people. You support what they want for themselves. Even if it means not you sir!

That is a sad way to look at life! What about me and what I want?

Yes sir this is how most people live today in what I want. Me! Me! Me!  And we raise our children to be the same way – aggressive for themselves. We never say the other is as important as you. And if we do, we live in contradiction.

What do you mean by contradiction?

Trying to be something we are not! Saying we love someone yet trying to control them, criticizing, blaming, nagging, demanding, all kinds of stuff. Do you see it sir?

Yes I do. I do now that you point it out. My life was and is that battle all the time, here or at work.

Yes sir. So why don’t we find a different way to live? Stop all the petty wars in and outside of us sir.

I wish I could!

The way you wish she would come back? Isn’t that just a reaction to all this disorder?

You may be right but my whole life is this disorder.

So change it!

How?

No sir this is the how, now! If you perceive the danger of the way you live, in that danger action comes. It is like seeing the fact the only reason you want her back is because your lonely, you miss the sex, someone to cook and clean for you.

I do miss all of those things.

Yes sir I know! But that has nothing to do with love or relationship. Relationship, like love, isn’t put together by thinking and the choice to satisfy needs. Love is the thing that ends all conflict and demand to control another. Love is deep, rich and forever blooming. It meets disorder with no defense and is fully intelligent. Love doesn’t seek to possess, or confine. Self, ego, is the thing that gets jealous, hurt, depressed, and fears. Where ego self is, love isn’t.

I didn’t expect this.

Expect what sir!

I find myself as the cause of losing my marriage.

Yes sir. It is so easy to blame another for our inward misery. But that is another way ego self moves to avoid its own change.

Thank you, I think!! I am not sure of anything now but I see maybe I’m the reason why she left.

No sir the reason is because the way you treated each other was because your self-interest and her self-interest got in the way and poisoned your marriage.

Yes I see that! Thank you. That is hard to face but I know it is the truth and I kinda hate you for it.

Yes! Yes!  Sir, thank you for being so honest.

You are the strangest person I have ever met.

No sir,  just look in the mirror – there is always someone stranger.

Coach Bri

Welcome. I’m Brian. How can I be of use?

Hi. You spoke at our center on relationships and I have just gone through a terrible time with my husband and from what you said I think I am to blame for some of our problems. I felt very upset after you talked but I also felt some relief. It seemed to bring some understanding to my situation. My husband was there and he came over and apologized after your talk. He had tears in his eyes and I have never seen him cry, ever. And I mean ever.

How long have you been married?

Eighteen years with two kids and a dog!

So what brings you to talk today?

Well, he and my brother’s ex wife had an affair.

I see. How did you hear about it?

He told me! He was very straight up about it about a week after it happened. He told me at breakfast. After he said “I took out the garbage honey “, he added, “By the way, I should tell you I have done something really bad”. So that was that. Like he broke my favorite vase or something.

What did you do?

Nothing, until he told me who it was, then I was very silent. Till I called you.

So you haven’t talked a lot since? How does that feel?

No so good!

What have you been thinking about?

Just how things in our life are just the same, we even sleep in the same bed. In fact, I hate to admit it but it is better now than it has been in a long time.

Okay, that’s good that it’s better, but better than what? No one comes to a counselor after an affair to tell them they how found marital bliss!

It is far from bliss but I did say it was better.

Better than what?

All the fighting we were doing! His demands, my demands, nothing new!

Nothing new maybe but was your marriage working before the affair?

No! Same old, same old that married couples feel I guess.

It’s not the same old same old now is it?

No!

So what is it?

Well it is kinda exciting, not the affair part but for some reason I feel shocked and more attracted to him again! Does that sound crazy? Like I’m shocked he did it! But it kinda makes me rethink things. I’m crazy, maybe stressed out or something.

I don’t think you’re crazy. Far from it!

Have you had this before?

People have affairs for all kinds of reasons but in every case I have worked with, they are a sign of unmet needs in a relationship.

I don’t think we had any unmet needs in ours.

You said earlier that you feel you have some part in that relationship. Can you talk about that?

I’m just a bitch I guess is the best way to describe it. I never kinda speak very nice to him. We have grown apart maybe; we just don’t do anything together.

How do you feel about that?

That’s the strange thing – it never did before the affair but now I don’t like who I am with him and our marriage is not too good.

Just a minute, your marriage wasn’t good before the affair. You weren’t happy about it.

How do you know that?

Well, you said you didn’t treat him well, and that you were a bitch! Do you think happy people are bitchy?

No I guess not!

So after the affair what changed about you?

I wasn’t the same old bitch!

So how do you feel about that?

I feel better; I really dumped on him a lot!

How?

Nagging I guess, because he wouldn’t listen to me!

Would you want to talk to someone who is always nagging you?

No I guess not! But he’s the one that had the affair! It’s not my fault!!

When he came up to you and said sorry and had tears in his eyes, what did you think?

I thought he loved me and he was sorry!

Sorry for what?

Well he told me that night!

What did he tell you?

That he’s sorry for not being there for me and he just can’t fight anymore!

Okay, so do you believe him?

Yes! Yes I do?

And the affair?

I know her. She a drinker and always liked him and she threw herself at him!

Do you know that for sure?

No and I don’t want to know!

Why not?

It’s happened, it’s over and he feels bad enough. I can see that and I know what she’s like. Do you think I can make it work?

Hell girl, you have a pretty good approach to all this but a marriage is two people willing to make it work.

So you don’t think this is strange, and I’m losing it?

No. What matters is how you see it and what you want and what you’re willing to do to have a better marriage and I think I can help you guys.

Well, he wanted to come and see you but I need to come first. I wanted to know I was okay.

I think this is one of those times when an affair can help people to choose to have a better marriage. And I think you’re on the right track. Would you both be able to come and see me together?

Yes I would like that!

Good, so would I.

He went to a doctor before and he gave him some pills for depression, but my husband wouldn’t take them. After he heard you talk he felt he had made the right choice, even though he thought his depression made him have an affair.

No I don’t think depressed people do that! I haven’t seen any anyway.

Thanks again. Can I come back next week?

Sure. Talk to your husband and we will set up a time.

Coach bri

It was a warm spring afternoon. The air held the chill of the dying winter. The sun’s warmth could be felt best in the places of seclusion from the cool air. He was a tall, handsome and dressed to perfection. He held eye contact as if not to miss a thing. He was clear about paying for his time and he hoped that we would not be interrupted. He didn’t want me to answer the phone if it rang.

Okay sir that would be fine. Now how can I help?

I’m not really here for help as in counseling. I just wanted to bounce something off you. My friend Larry told me that he often comes to see you and you seem to enable him to look at things differently.

Okay sir. Where do you want to begin?

Well first I have to check you out a little, before I decide to let you in on my ideas.

So what would you like to know?

Are you a religious person?

What do you mean by that?

I don’t want to have a debate and you pour out your religious beliefs on me. I am sick of that. My wife does it to me, my parents, even some of my friends.

Okay sir, so we are here again. What would like to bounce off me?

Why do I feel so shitty about my life? Life seems to be sad to me. Everyone gives me opinions and I don’t think they are really their opinions.

Yes sir they probably aren’t. Very few people think for themselves.

That is what I believe. My wife throws the bible at me and repeats some quote. I get the same thing from my parents. And people from my church. The other day I just couldn’t take it anymore and I walked out and walked home. When I got home my wife ask me where I went and I told her I had to get out of that place. I told her I thought the whole thing was basically lies. I don’t believe it and I can’t go anymore.

What did she say sir?

She cried and told me it was the devil. And I better be careful. She called the pastor. And he came over that afternoon. And it was horrible.

What was horrible?

I don’t know. He asked me questions and I answered and he kept holding up his bible as if it would deflect my responses.

Yes sir, the whole thing is so ugly.

Yes that is a good way to describe it. Ugly. Another thing I think is I am a realist. I can no longer tolerate all this meaningless discussion about God! I don’t even think there is one. I am sick of people saying stuff like if a good thing happens to them, well thank the lord looking after us. Or God blessing us. So god is punishing all those who have trouble or when things go wrong in their life? I don’t hear them say God is punishing me for something I did. Are the hungry in the world the wrath of God? It is all such bullshit. If I want to have sex with my wife and want to go down on her that can’t be a sin! So who do I believe, I am so tired of living by everyone else’s standards!

So what do you want?

I want to know why I feel so unhappy!

Feeling unhappy is a sign of something much deeper, is it not sir?

Like what? If people would just leave me alone and not try to run their belief system down my throat and if my wife would just accept me for the person I am and not what she wants me to be. And if my parents would just get over their son not being religious. Then my life would be great!

Can you control any of them?

No and I don’t want too. I wish I could just get them to leave me alone and not try to control me.

Sir when we are unhappy it is a feeling! Right sir?

Yes but so what? When I feel happy that is a feeling too.

Yes, so when you are thinking about how they are controlling you, how do you feel?

Okay, you and I both know that! I feel good and bad, so does everybody else. But knowing that doesn’t help me one bit getting them off my back.

Okay so what are you doing not to get them off your back?

Coming here to see you and walking out of church and when I feel sexual and want to screw my wife saying that!

And is that getting her in bed and having her?

No, it’s not! She tells me I’m too sexual and because I want it once a week. Her and the minister say that I shouldn’t want sex and that suffering is good for me will make me a better person.

Yes sir that is one of our favorite conditionings.

What is?

One way to control people’s minds religiously is to have them think that suffering brings them to a spiritual understanding or some reward for suffering.

I see that happening in my life, and my wife sure believes that.

I know sir. One way of keeping the world in poverty is to have them conform to the belief that their poverty is a path to God or is holy or something. They do the same in the Catholic church and many other churches to deny yourself sex or things, vows of this and that. It is all a bunch of garbage sir. Love doesn’t flower in conformity or denial or ritual. Love isn’t tied to anything. Love is love. It is relationship in freedom.

That is cool! Relationship in freedom. I have never heard that before!

No sir! That is why love has no chains or bounds.

I feel very chained.

Yes sir! You are!

Is it possible to cut those chains? I don’t know how!

Sir, if you see the importance you give to sex and how you are caught by it, how self-centered you are in it and the demand, the rejection and the withholding and the control of it, then it loses its hold!

But what do I do with all this pressure from my parents and family, even my friends?

Pressure for what sir?

To go to church, prayer groups and all that. It is bullshit.

Sir! If you are reacting to the control of it and people trying to control you then it will never fall away and only build your anger.

Well I sure am angry!

Is not the indication of anger your self-centered imposing on another and them not doing what or getting what you want from the other?

So you are saying I am angry and doing the same back to them the same way they are doing it to me.

Yes sir, that can be seen!

I think that is what’s happening!

All over the world it is happening and very few people are interested in all this. It is destroying human relationship and our relationship to the earth.

I feel so much better. I am sorry for giving you such a hard time.

You didn’t sir. You were hard on yourself!

So what do I do with my wife then?

Seek to understand her sir! Then demand nothing!

That’s how it used to be! Before we were married.

Yes sir marriage is about a union, not a disconnect!

I think you’re right!

No sir you see the truth of that!

Thank you

You’re welcome.

Coach bri

It was a cool summer evening, the clouds and the rain had moved on. The earth was fresh and had the poignant smell of freshly spread manure. The true strength of the smell was held back by the stillness of the gentle and inconsistent breeze. The earth was full of moisture by the heavy rains of the past few days. One’s footsteps felt the sponginess of the soaked ground. The little wood cabin held many shades of grey and brown as the last light of the day grazed it. We sat in silence for some time, watching the sun set through the small window. The cabin seemed to take on its own serenity as the evening sky appeared.

It is very quiet here, she began.

Her husband answered: Yes, the wood holds the sound out.

Well how do you know that? she replied abruptly. I am talking about the inside, in here and like always, you have answer to everything.

Well I am just trying to make conversation! This guy hasn’t asked us one question yet!

Well why don’t you ask him one then? she replied abruptly.

For Christ sake, Kay do we even have to fight here?

You see Brian, if it is not his way then it is a fight! I can’t do anything or say anything because I am wrong or his fibromyalgia starts acting up.

Oh so now we are on that again! I’m sorry I have an illness. I can’t figure it out and I am not using it to control you! Well now you see what we do to each other? She is angry all the time and I’m tired of fighting. I have never won a fight with her, ever, in our 16 years of marriage. I have many emotional scars.

This is 18 years dear, just so you know!!!

Okay, 18. Sorry I lost a couple; maybe I wish it was 16! Two years less hell.

Well I’m not keeping you here. You can leave anytime.

You see what I mean! She is such a bitch!!! Why don’t you jump in here? We are paying you to help us and you just sit there!

I’m helping you! And you’re helping me!

How are you helping us? And how are we helping you? I don’t get it.

Well you have been here for about how long now?

I would say about a half hour.

Okay and how long have you been criticizing and venting about each other?

About 30 minutes.

Okay I agree with you! 30 minutes at 80 dollars per hour, so I have made 40 dollars so far. And how do you feel now?

Well I feel better! He probably feels better too but he won’t admit it.

I do feel better but this kind of feels a little messed up.

What does?

Well us paying you for something we can do anyway.

Yes, good, and how is that working for you?

I know it’s not working and that is why I, I mean we, are here.
And how are you helping us!

I will tell you! When you guys are arguing what are you waiting for me to do, or what is your intention?

I want to show you how controlling he is!

And you Tom?

Well I guess for you to see her supreme bitch mode!

Right, I guessed that, so you want me to take sides? Okay I’m going to do that now! I’m going to take the side of your marriage. And so far I think neither of you have done that in some time.

That’s for sure! I know I haven’t. I think Kay has.

Great, then I was wrong and I’m glad I’m wrong! I would like to know when Tom thinks I have because I would agree with you – I don’t feel I have in a long time.

You just have. I know you put up with me a lot my illness and all. I’m a pain in the ass!

What do feel about that Kay?

I think he is playing me and you!

Kay, I asked you how you felt and you gave me how you think. Could you please answer how you feel about it!

About what?

About him being a pain and you putting up with him!

I feel sad, okay? (Tears flooded her eyes, Tom reached for her and she pulled away.)

Okay thank you, you feel sad. Can I ask why?

Can I think now? Or do I have to feel?

Whichever. It is up to you!

Ever since Tom’s father died and his brother took over the business, Tom got sick, our best friend moved away. Tom hasn’t been the same.

Just Tom?

Okay I haven’t been happy either. Tom is just worried all the time and his brother, who got the company because he is older, doesn’t know what the hell he is doing and Tom won’t stick up for himself.

What do you say to that Tom?

He is my older brother, he is family but he doesn’t know what he is doing. My Dad gave the company to him and me but my brother is, well he just…..

An asshole! Christ Tom, just say it! He and his wife lost their company and they are going to lose this one if they keep going in the same direction.

We won’t lose it!

Tom, can I ask you a question? When did your life start to fall apart?

About 14 months ago when my brother made some bad decisions and I realized he real doesn’t get the business.

No it wasn’t Tom. I can remember you being in pain after you found out that your father had changed the will before he died. Tom, remember you came home from the hospital all upset the next day and you couldn’t get out of bed? For the next two weeks you had the flu and you were throwing up daily.

Yes I forgot all that!

Well, when did you get the diagnosis of fibromyalgia?

That was 14 months ago and that was me taking him to the doctor because he couldn’t walk and was in pain all over. Everything hurt!

Tom, what if this illness is self-induced?

I would be happy because living this way is hell!

Tom, have you had any relief in the 14 months?

About three weeks, strange enough.

What happened in those three weeks?

Well the first week I changed my diet completely. We were away for about ten days and I ate a lot of fruit. The other time is when my brother was away on vacation.

Who was in charge when he was away?

It was a joke. He called a meeting and put his assistant in charge.

What’s the joke?

The assistant was my dad’s assistant and she just came to me and we did business as usual.

Can I ask you something? And I really need you to be exact. When he called you into the meeting and told you the assistant was in charge, what did you do?

Nothing. I was fine with it I think.

Bullshit Tom. You called me and you had another attack and I had to come and get you. You were throwing up in the bathroom.

I guess I forgot all that!

Tom, do you want to know what I think?

I see what you’re getting at! You may be right! But why would my body do that to me?

Because you’re now happy and improving but when you don’t listen to your unhappiness it goes under ground and can affect your whole nervous system.

So you’re telling Tom what I have been telling him – to stand up for himself with his brother and grow some balls here!

No Kay, I am suggesting to Tom that he may be choosing this illness because he is having difficulty dealing with his brother, the death of his father, and his troubled marriage.

So I’m not crazy?

No, I’d say more disappointed and hurt!

I have been seeing this shrink and he is telling me that I have a chemical problem and he wants me to go on drugs for depression. He thinks I may be bipolar.

Tom, most of these shrinks have very little idea as to what they are doing. There are some good ones but they don’t buy into their own profession.

You know, when I think of my brother I get so angry!

So angry you make yourself sick?

I think you’re right! Pretty dumb!

No! I think you feel powerless and your relationship with him is hurt too.

We used to be really good friends!

I’m sure you were and that’s why it hurts even more!
Can you come and see me again next week!

I will for sure!

Well how about our marriage? I’m not putting up with this much longer!

Kay, how do you feel about this session today?

I think it was good for Tom! But we have to fix our marriage.

I agree. Will you give me some time Kay? I feel your hunches about Tom are correct. He’s got a good wife here and I don’t think he wants to lose her!

We’ll be back.

Thanks. See you next week.

But what happens if he has another attack!

Just support him through it and be positive. Trust me!
He might not even have one!

Okay, okay.

Thanks Kay.

Coach bri