CoachBri’s Blog

It was about 4:45am and one awoke without any sense of being tired. Thought was held quiet without motive and all explanations as to the doing of thought were perceived.

He was a quiet man and arrived early, around 7:00am, because that is what his schedule demanded. He had lost his wife to another man and the children were acting out. He was all about her and her problems and had justified his own cruel treatment of her as necessary and had come to me for help.

Sir, may I ask you something? How does telling me all your wife’s problems make your life better?

Well, it doesn’t, I guess, but I feel better to vent.

Yes sir. Venting is you evaluating her life but where does it leave you at the end of it?

Nowhere! I just feel better!

So when you leave here you feel better but essentially nothing has changed, right sir? You are back in your rotten petty life – lonely, angry, and full of resentment, needing to vent again about her to someone else.

Yes but she left me! With the kids for another man! And that hurts. So what is wrong with that?!

Sir, divorce is an ugly thing but not half as ugly as a loveless marriage.

But I loved her. We had a good thing going!

Sir, people don’t leave a good marriage for something better. People leave a marriage because the marriage they have is loveless. And you are angry because you didn’t see it coming.

But I did love her and still do!

No sir. What you love is what you used to have with her and you love the image of what you would create if she came back or you could win her back. If you had love between you, you would still be married.

So why do I want her back then?

Because sir you are lonely, afraid of life. Afraid to get on with your life and get rejected again, right sir?

I see what you’re saying.

Sir, if you have love you don’t control people. You support what they want for themselves. Even if it means not you sir!

That is a sad way to look at life! What about me and what I want?

Yes sir this is how most people live today in what I want. Me! Me! Me!  And we raise our children to be the same way – aggressive for themselves. We never say the other is as important as you. And if we do, we live in contradiction.

What do you mean by contradiction?

Trying to be something we are not! Saying we love someone yet trying to control them, criticizing, blaming, nagging, demanding, all kinds of stuff. Do you see it sir?

Yes I do. I do now that you point it out. My life was and is that battle all the time, here or at work.

Yes sir. So why don’t we find a different way to live? Stop all the petty wars in and outside of us sir.

I wish I could!

The way you wish she would come back? Isn’t that just a reaction to all this disorder?

You may be right but my whole life is this disorder.

So change it!

How?

No sir this is the how, now! If you perceive the danger of the way you live, in that danger action comes. It is like seeing the fact the only reason you want her back is because your lonely, you miss the sex, someone to cook and clean for you.

I do miss all of those things.

Yes sir I know! But that has nothing to do with love or relationship. Relationship, like love, isn’t put together by thinking and the choice to satisfy needs. Love is the thing that ends all conflict and demand to control another. Love is deep, rich and forever blooming. It meets disorder with no defense and is fully intelligent. Love doesn’t seek to possess, or confine. Self, ego, is the thing that gets jealous, hurt, depressed, and fears. Where ego self is, love isn’t.

I didn’t expect this.

Expect what sir!

I find myself as the cause of losing my marriage.

Yes sir. It is so easy to blame another for our inward misery. But that is another way ego self moves to avoid its own change.

Thank you, I think!! I am not sure of anything now but I see maybe I’m the reason why she left.

No sir the reason is because the way you treated each other was because your self-interest and her self-interest got in the way and poisoned your marriage.

Yes I see that! Thank you. That is hard to face but I know it is the truth and I kinda hate you for it.

Yes! Yes!  Sir, thank you for being so honest.

You are the strangest person I have ever met.

No sir,  just look in the mirror – there is always someone stranger.

Coach Bri

Within human beings is the need to survive. After a divorce the common thinking of a person that has been cheated on is to feel that they hate the opposite sex and they will never get involved again. “I hate men” or “I hate women” is the common thread I hear in most situations. The healing process of any relationship begins when self-evaluation takes place. That self-evaluation is painful. The person who has being rejected is in pain enough, and to self-evaluate in it is often more difficult. People who are able to self-evaluate seem to recover quicker than people who don’t. Often people repeat the same external psychology habits in their next marriage and end up divorced again. Self-evaluation is the process of learning about your mistakes which connects to another need, which is the need for fun. Now the question is this: How is learning fun when it comes to being dumped?

It is natural for a person who loses a relationship to depress and this prevents that person from acting out of anger and doing something that would be harmful to themselves or the person that left them. Self-evaluation here is often very difficult when the need for loving and belonging begins over time to speak to the person because they miss having someone in their life. If you are happy that a person left you that usually means that this person didn’t meet your loving and belonging need anymore so them leaving wasn’t a big deal and can be a relief, allowing the person to now look for someone else to fill that need.

When looking for someone else it is wise to not meet them with any chemicals in your system or in theirs. Being under the influence of chemicals, medication, alcohol, or grass impairs one’s ability to sense how need fulfilling a person truly is. Even though you may have fun with this person, a good relationship has to be more than fun to have longevity. Self-evaluation is looking at how you satisfy your needs by checking out how the behaviours you are presently using are working towards your level of happiness. Levels of happiness are as real as your needs but they are sewn together, genuinely in all situations in different moments. When one is under the influence, it is harder to genuinely access how and why you feel good. The happier one is, the more needs or depth of a need is being satisfied. Now after experiencing a rejection, a person’s scales are going to be more sensitive to tipping and drugs or alcohol become a means of numbing out. The purpose numbing is to prevent the self-evaluation process from happening, which is driven by the emotional content of thinking, which is fear, linked to rejection or possible rejection.

Sometimes people in a marriage where sex was good and the only place where there is any connection have a harder time loving and belonging because sex was the only place where their marriage was good or they experienced any closeness. These people can miss sex, not really seeing it as the belonging they are looking for. They become very desiring and will go with someone just for sex. Men tend to do this more. Women do this as well but for a woman, if she comes out of a relationship where she was a victim in the last relationship and sex was the only place she where there was connection, she could be setting up the same pattern of abuse again. Therefore it is very important that if she wants and needs sex she do it with her full faculties so that self-evaluation is possible.

Men and women have needs for sex. It is part of our being. Having good and present sex helps connection, which allows sex to meet loving and belonging needs. If people choose to get together for sex to satisfy the need for fun, power, freedom, and survival but void of love and belonging, it can be very complicated and degrading. Under the influence this can lead to a lot of problems that tears away at the dignity of one or both people and eventually leads to great unhappiness that goes under the radar because the sort connection is always a painful one. You can’t fake love like you can an orgasm. But if you think you can fake love until you make it, all self-evaluation is lost. Love and compassion are the key ingredients to relationship. Without them and without awareness, all external psychology dominates our behaviour.

Coach bri