CoachBri’s Blog

Within human beings is the need to survive. After a divorce the common thinking of a person that has been cheated on is to feel that they hate the opposite sex and they will never get involved again. “I hate men” or “I hate women” is the common thread I hear in most situations. The healing process of any relationship begins when self-evaluation takes place. That self-evaluation is painful. The person who has being rejected is in pain enough, and to self-evaluate in it is often more difficult. People who are able to self-evaluate seem to recover quicker than people who don’t. Often people repeat the same external psychology habits in their next marriage and end up divorced again. Self-evaluation is the process of learning about your mistakes which connects to another need, which is the need for fun. Now the question is this: How is learning fun when it comes to being dumped?

It is natural for a person who loses a relationship to depress and this prevents that person from acting out of anger and doing something that would be harmful to themselves or the person that left them. Self-evaluation here is often very difficult when the need for loving and belonging begins over time to speak to the person because they miss having someone in their life. If you are happy that a person left you that usually means that this person didn’t meet your loving and belonging need anymore so them leaving wasn’t a big deal and can be a relief, allowing the person to now look for someone else to fill that need.

When looking for someone else it is wise to not meet them with any chemicals in your system or in theirs. Being under the influence of chemicals, medication, alcohol, or grass impairs one’s ability to sense how need fulfilling a person truly is. Even though you may have fun with this person, a good relationship has to be more than fun to have longevity. Self-evaluation is looking at how you satisfy your needs by checking out how the behaviours you are presently using are working towards your level of happiness. Levels of happiness are as real as your needs but they are sewn together, genuinely in all situations in different moments. When one is under the influence, it is harder to genuinely access how and why you feel good. The happier one is, the more needs or depth of a need is being satisfied. Now after experiencing a rejection, a person’s scales are going to be more sensitive to tipping and drugs or alcohol become a means of numbing out. The purpose numbing is to prevent the self-evaluation process from happening, which is driven by the emotional content of thinking, which is fear, linked to rejection or possible rejection.

Sometimes people in a marriage where sex was good and the only place where there is any connection have a harder time loving and belonging because sex was the only place where their marriage was good or they experienced any closeness. These people can miss sex, not really seeing it as the belonging they are looking for. They become very desiring and will go with someone just for sex. Men tend to do this more. Women do this as well but for a woman, if she comes out of a relationship where she was a victim in the last relationship and sex was the only place she where there was connection, she could be setting up the same pattern of abuse again. Therefore it is very important that if she wants and needs sex she do it with her full faculties so that self-evaluation is possible.

Men and women have needs for sex. It is part of our being. Having good and present sex helps connection, which allows sex to meet loving and belonging needs. If people choose to get together for sex to satisfy the need for fun, power, freedom, and survival but void of love and belonging, it can be very complicated and degrading. Under the influence this can lead to a lot of problems that tears away at the dignity of one or both people and eventually leads to great unhappiness that goes under the radar because the sort connection is always a painful one. You can’t fake love like you can an orgasm. But if you think you can fake love until you make it, all self-evaluation is lost. Love and compassion are the key ingredients to relationship. Without them and without awareness, all external psychology dominates our behaviour.

Coach bri