CoachBri’s Blog

The morning was just glorious. Small snowflakes fell straight down, touched only by stillness. They seemed to travel in slow motion, and fell so gently it was breathtaking. The sun would touch them higher in the sky and the flakes took on the suns golden light. As they landed on the ground they sank into the earth in a way such that they seemed to disappear before one’s eyes. This movement stayed for several minutes and then a small gust of wind would come and end the golden dance.

He was a very large man with big features and a strong Dutch accent. He knew why he had come and wanted to get to it. He had enormous hands and a defined jaw that seemed to go on forever, giving his face strength and character.

I have come about my daughter. She is not listening to me and is giving me so many headaches. She seems to be doing poorly at school, as well as not attending church and I am very concerned about her soul. She’s going to get the wrath of God. I have come to talk with you, as you know well an old friend of mine who talks about you in our discussions. He often quotes things you have told him and he holds you in high regard. I miss my old friend now that he is passed away. So I thought I would come to talk with you.

Well sir I too miss Henry. He was a good man!

Yes he was but his ideas and your influence seem to move him away from his church. But we all have our sins.

Sorry sir I don’t believe in sin! The etymological meaning is old and it meant “to miss the mark”! It was an archery term I believe.

So you don’t think there is EVIL?

Sir, all I know is that these words had a different meaning at one time and have a different meaning now. The word evil meant “to exceed due limits”. So I am saying Sir that to me, sin is a term that has its roots in missing the target or point of something. People who buy into sin, as a bad thing someone does to offend, means that they are conditioned by the propaganda of religion as a means to control. Sin has been invented to control people, to foster guilt in the human mind. Guilting people is a way people behave toward others to breed the feeling of humiliation in order to control. The human race is full of this process as a means of creating authority and judgment over others.

Well I believe people do evil to other people. And without knowing what sin is nothing makes any sense. Society would be corrupt if we didn’t have Sin and Evil as guideposts.

Sir I’m not trying to be rude but how much more evil do you want! 3% of the population of the earth owns 95% of the wealth. We have wars, poverty genocides, executives who ripped off millions of people and took bonuses. Also, we are becoming a drug addicted culture. We are destroying the environment. We are losing one animal species every day.

Okay! Okay! Okay ! I get your point. You are starting to sound like my daughter. Look, I am an uneducated man. We must have some sense of morality, otherwise we would live in chaos.

Sir, if you don’t mind, we are in chaos because each human mind is trying to be psychologically secure. The pursuit of that is what causes global insecurity.

I don’t see that! How do you mean?

Inwardly man is insecure, and therefore he lives out of his insecurity, he identifies with the outside.

I don’t do that!

Sir, are you not identifying with your daughter’s behavior?

In what sense?

If she acts in accordance with what you think is right for her, she is a good daughter and if not she is messed up. Right, sir? You think you are your religion, the flag , your personal beliefs, the car you drive, the money in your bank account! All of that defines you!

Okay, okay, okay! This is really telling me everything with my daughter is my fault.

No sir. How does fault finding bring you closer to your daughter? You are responsible for how you treat your daughter, not how she treats you. This is a fact, no?

I know what you are saying is true but it is so overwhelming.

Because sir you came here out of an image and I have shattered it. That is all!

I feel so lost when it comes to my daughter … what to do with her.

Yes sir, but what are you doing now?

I just show my disapproval.

How sir?

I grounded her, took her phone away, stuff like that!

So you punish her. How does punishing her allow you the chance to get connected to her?

She must see that she is wrong. It is my job as a parent.

How does punishing connect you to your daughter?

She is doing these things that are immoral and against God.

And when you punish her … how connected do you feel?

Well, then I am in trouble with her and my wife!

So how does punishing her get you closer to her and your wife?

My wife is another story!

So how does punishing her bring the three of you closer?

Damn you! Why are you playing these tricks with me?

What is the trick?

I don’t have to answer your question if I don’t want too.

Yes I know that, I can’t make you do anything! It is your choice to answer! Does your daughter answer your questions or is she like you and choose what to answer and what not too?

Well I punish her until she answers them.

So you get the answer?

No!

I didn’t think so! So the punishment isn’t working for you then?

Damn! No it is not! (as he pounds his fist into his other hand) What are you, a mind reader?

If I was a mind reader I wouldn’t have to ask you questions, I would just read your mind! I don’t think it works that way. You see I would like you to get along better with your daughter and I think you would be happier.

I think I would too. But she does so many bad things!

Yes I know but when does she do more bad things?

That’s easy – when I try to discipline her!

Can I make a suggestion?

Yes!

Why don’t you let your wife handle the discipline for a while?

She is too soft and gentle with her.

How do they get along when you’re not there?

My wife tells me that she is better when I’m not there. But that is my daughter’s manipulation. My wife is too easygoing.

What happens if your wife is right and they are better off when you are not there?

Well she is probably right!

Now what make you say that?

When I come in they are always talking and laughing, then things go quiet.

So what does that tell you?

I am not connected to her as you said. But I want to be!
(Large tears filled his deep, massive eyes. His face seemed to change and one could feel his sadness and his embarrassment at the same time. We sat is silence for several moments and he choked out some apology.)

Sir it is fine. You are safe here. You can cry if you like.

I don’t cry!

Well apparently you do and it shows you have the potential to be a good father.

I thought I was!

Yes sir I know! But we all must keep growing sir and facing our life with new learning. I think you are capable of learning because you notice how they have fun when you not around. When is the last time you have done something with you and your daughter, just the two you?

A couple of years!

What happened?

She just lost interested in the farm. She used to always come and help me in the barn. We have horses and she loved them but now nothing! No interest!

Well can you do something with her that she loves and even if you hate it, go and pretend you like it? Just find something that you can do with her and maybe your wife too and stop all disciplining her. Let your wife do it.

Okay I will try.

And come back and see me next week.

Yes I will do that!

Thank you!

You’re welcome!

Coach bri

She was very attractive woman. She had very slender fingers, and she seemed to walk with such grace and dignity. As she approached the chair she had an engaging smile yet a deep sense of sadness seemed to be hidden in her eyes. I held out my hand and introduced myself and she took it and she shook it quite vigorously. She opened her spring jacket that was very well made, sat down and began to talk:

My husband told me I should come and talk to you. I have come from quite a distance and that in itself was an accomplishment. I took the day off work and even though I live about two hours away, I had to summon up the courage in order to come. I’m finding lately I have difficulty doing just basic things. And these attacks I get leave me feeling paranoid and fearful of all people and situations. I have seen the family doctor and he prescribed a medication for me, but after what you said on the radio about medication dampening your feelings, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

What hit you like a ton of bricks Madame?

Well that’s what my life feels like – no pure joy, no pure sorrow and nothing seems genuine since I’ve been on this medication and I also feel rather confused.

Okay, got it. So how can I help you?

Well that’s just it – I don’t really know. For the last two years I’ve noticed a change in myself and that change has become so disturbing that I don’t even want to leave my house. Sometimes I get this anxious feeling in the simple things that I used to do and enjoy. I can’t do it anymore. I try to hide it from my kids and I’ve been doing quite a good job. But we do have a family business and my husband knows me well and gives me a lot of space when I get into one of these paranoid states.

Well what happened two years ago that was significant for you?

Well nothing. I can’t think of anything. I’ve been racking my brains about this but I can’t think of anything that’s different that’s happened to me.

How’s your relationship with your husband?

My husband and I are fine. We have a great relationship together, were still attracted to each other, we have a good business and he’s been great about this!

Well do you have children?

Yes I have two girls and a boy!

And how are you getting along with them?

We get along great. I have a daughter at University and I have a son at community college. The kids are doing well. I have nothing to be upset about. My life is absolutely perfect.

Well if your life is perfect, does a perfect life include paranoia?

I know but why is it that I get paranoid over doing the simplest things? I’m going into the video store and I’m trembling going into there – it took me about twenty minutes just to drop off the movies.

Okay so how about your parents. Are your parents alive?

Yes both of them are. I have a few problems with my father but he’s just a bossy guy and always tries to tell me what to do.

What’s your relationship like with your mother?

Mom and me are mom and me! That’s just the way we are with each other – we get along. Or I should say we tolerate each other?

So you don’t get along well with your mother?

I don’t think my mother is the source of this trouble. She’s always been the way she is and I’ve just learned to live with that.

Live with what?

It’s no big deal really. It’s really not. She is just … you know … let’s say a little cool!

Cool or cold or callous?

I don’t think we have to talk about her. We just exist together and we get along fine. There are certain things I don’t discuss with her.

You mean things with your mother in the past two years?

No not really, nothing I can remember!

How do your children get along with their grandmother?

Well you know kids – they’re smarter than me – they just take her as she is and don’t pay much attention to her.

What is it that they don’t pay much attention to?

Just the way she is!

And that way is what?

The callousness as you put it – she’s a little cold.

Does your daughter get along with her?

My son gets along with her really well. He knows how to play her!

How about your daughter?

They were pretty good friends until my daughter was about 17!

Okay, well, what happened at 17 and how many years ago was that?

I’ll have to think about that one. I’m not really sure.

You’re not really sure of what?

Well it was about 18 months ago and my daughter was having some trouble.

And what kind of trouble was she having?

Well my mother came to me with my daughter because my daughter thought she was pregnant!

Well what did you think of your daughter going to her grandmother?

I was a bit shocked, pretty overwhelmed, pretty hurt I guess.

What does that tell you?

She seemed to adjust her seat and sit back in the chair and she took a nice deep breath and slowly turned her head and looked out the window. Tears began to roll down her cheeks. Each drop seemed to slowly move down her face and crash on her lap. Her right hand began to quiver and she began to take deep breaths. The words seemed to choke her and she tried several times to clear her throat and finally she barked out:

I just can’t forgive her!!

And who is it that you can’t forgive?

My mother. When I was 17 I got pregnant and had an abortion. When I told my mother she didn’t say anything to me. She simply closed her eyes, made a fist, stomped her foot on the floor and walked up the stairs to talk to my father. She then yelled something to my father and told him, “I’m taking your slutty daughter to the hospital for an abortion”. She came downstairs, went into the closet, grabbed my jacket threw it at me and said, “Get in the car”. As we were driving, the only thing she said to me was, “You have disgraced me. What will the neighbors think? And here I am, having to drive all the way to Ottawa so that no one finds out! Thanks a lot! My mother must be rolling over in her grave.” That’s all she said to me the whole drive.

Wow, that’s terrible. I’m sorry. I can’t imagine doing that to my child or to any child!

I told you she was callous! A real cold bitch!

Can we talk a little further about this?

Yes. I haven’t talked about it in years.

These feelings of paranoia and anxiety, have they ever happened to you before in your relationship with your husband or when you were younger, when your children were younger?

Well as a matter of fact they did – before the birth of my daughter!

Well what were you thinking when you were pregnant?

Well the same thing I’ve been thinking for the past two years I think! I keep wondering about the baby that I aborted. I keep wondering what my life would’ve been like if I kept that baby!

Tears flowed down her face like lines of silver. She cried for some time and we both sat in silence. Out of the window of the sun porch the sun was setting behind trees. The golden light of the setting sun filled the room with a breathtaking glitter. She reached into her purse and took out some Kleenex and soon began to dry her eyes. She then spoke with a quiet voice:

You know, I think this is all related.

I think you’re right!

I’d like to come back and see you again, I didn’t expect this.

That’s what I do here I deal with the unexpected. I’m glad you came.

Thanks, so am I.

Coach bri