CoachBri’s Blog

The morning was just glorious. Small snowflakes fell straight down, touched only by stillness. They seemed to travel in slow motion, and fell so gently it was breathtaking. The sun would touch them higher in the sky and the flakes took on the suns golden light. As they landed on the ground they sank into the earth in a way such that they seemed to disappear before one’s eyes. This movement stayed for several minutes and then a small gust of wind would come and end the golden dance.

He was a very large man with big features and a strong Dutch accent. He knew why he had come and wanted to get to it. He had enormous hands and a defined jaw that seemed to go on forever, giving his face strength and character.

I have come about my daughter. She is not listening to me and is giving me so many headaches. She seems to be doing poorly at school, as well as not attending church and I am very concerned about her soul. She’s going to get the wrath of God. I have come to talk with you, as you know well an old friend of mine who talks about you in our discussions. He often quotes things you have told him and he holds you in high regard. I miss my old friend now that he is passed away. So I thought I would come to talk with you.

Well sir I too miss Henry. He was a good man!

Yes he was but his ideas and your influence seem to move him away from his church. But we all have our sins.

Sorry sir I don’t believe in sin! The etymological meaning is old and it meant “to miss the mark”! It was an archery term I believe.

So you don’t think there is EVIL?

Sir, all I know is that these words had a different meaning at one time and have a different meaning now. The word evil meant “to exceed due limits”. So I am saying Sir that to me, sin is a term that has its roots in missing the target or point of something. People who buy into sin, as a bad thing someone does to offend, means that they are conditioned by the propaganda of religion as a means to control. Sin has been invented to control people, to foster guilt in the human mind. Guilting people is a way people behave toward others to breed the feeling of humiliation in order to control. The human race is full of this process as a means of creating authority and judgment over others.

Well I believe people do evil to other people. And without knowing what sin is nothing makes any sense. Society would be corrupt if we didn’t have Sin and Evil as guideposts.

Sir I’m not trying to be rude but how much more evil do you want! 3% of the population of the earth owns 95% of the wealth. We have wars, poverty genocides, executives who ripped off millions of people and took bonuses. Also, we are becoming a drug addicted culture. We are destroying the environment. We are losing one animal species every day.

Okay! Okay! Okay ! I get your point. You are starting to sound like my daughter. Look, I am an uneducated man. We must have some sense of morality, otherwise we would live in chaos.

Sir, if you don’t mind, we are in chaos because each human mind is trying to be psychologically secure. The pursuit of that is what causes global insecurity.

I don’t see that! How do you mean?

Inwardly man is insecure, and therefore he lives out of his insecurity, he identifies with the outside.

I don’t do that!

Sir, are you not identifying with your daughter’s behavior?

In what sense?

If she acts in accordance with what you think is right for her, she is a good daughter and if not she is messed up. Right, sir? You think you are your religion, the flag , your personal beliefs, the car you drive, the money in your bank account! All of that defines you!

Okay, okay, okay! This is really telling me everything with my daughter is my fault.

No sir. How does fault finding bring you closer to your daughter? You are responsible for how you treat your daughter, not how she treats you. This is a fact, no?

I know what you are saying is true but it is so overwhelming.

Because sir you came here out of an image and I have shattered it. That is all!

I feel so lost when it comes to my daughter … what to do with her.

Yes sir, but what are you doing now?

I just show my disapproval.

How sir?

I grounded her, took her phone away, stuff like that!

So you punish her. How does punishing her allow you the chance to get connected to her?

She must see that she is wrong. It is my job as a parent.

How does punishing connect you to your daughter?

She is doing these things that are immoral and against God.

And when you punish her … how connected do you feel?

Well, then I am in trouble with her and my wife!

So how does punishing her get you closer to her and your wife?

My wife is another story!

So how does punishing her bring the three of you closer?

Damn you! Why are you playing these tricks with me?

What is the trick?

I don’t have to answer your question if I don’t want too.

Yes I know that, I can’t make you do anything! It is your choice to answer! Does your daughter answer your questions or is she like you and choose what to answer and what not too?

Well I punish her until she answers them.

So you get the answer?

No!

I didn’t think so! So the punishment isn’t working for you then?

Damn! No it is not! (as he pounds his fist into his other hand) What are you, a mind reader?

If I was a mind reader I wouldn’t have to ask you questions, I would just read your mind! I don’t think it works that way. You see I would like you to get along better with your daughter and I think you would be happier.

I think I would too. But she does so many bad things!

Yes I know but when does she do more bad things?

That’s easy – when I try to discipline her!

Can I make a suggestion?

Yes!

Why don’t you let your wife handle the discipline for a while?

She is too soft and gentle with her.

How do they get along when you’re not there?

My wife tells me that she is better when I’m not there. But that is my daughter’s manipulation. My wife is too easygoing.

What happens if your wife is right and they are better off when you are not there?

Well she is probably right!

Now what make you say that?

When I come in they are always talking and laughing, then things go quiet.

So what does that tell you?

I am not connected to her as you said. But I want to be!
(Large tears filled his deep, massive eyes. His face seemed to change and one could feel his sadness and his embarrassment at the same time. We sat is silence for several moments and he choked out some apology.)

Sir it is fine. You are safe here. You can cry if you like.

I don’t cry!

Well apparently you do and it shows you have the potential to be a good father.

I thought I was!

Yes sir I know! But we all must keep growing sir and facing our life with new learning. I think you are capable of learning because you notice how they have fun when you not around. When is the last time you have done something with you and your daughter, just the two you?

A couple of years!

What happened?

She just lost interested in the farm. She used to always come and help me in the barn. We have horses and she loved them but now nothing! No interest!

Well can you do something with her that she loves and even if you hate it, go and pretend you like it? Just find something that you can do with her and maybe your wife too and stop all disciplining her. Let your wife do it.

Okay I will try.

And come back and see me next week.

Yes I will do that!

Thank you!

You’re welcome!

Coach bri

I have come to see you because of something you said at a Friday Night Group.
One of the members of this group was there and he was causing a lot of problems, judging people and trying to get a fight going. He seems so unable to, as you call it, evaluate himself. He was very good at evaluating them but there came a point in that meeting where you locked eyes with him and told him to leave himself alone. Now there are two things that I noticed in him: One, was he was very afraid of you and secondly, the more important one, was how you seem to be aware of things that I am not. So my question is this: What is this awareness all about?

Okay, so you wish to understand this thing called awareness. Can I ask why?

Well, if I was more aware I think I would get more out of things, I guess?

So your inquiry is to get something out of this awareness. Is that not a self-centered approach to the problem?

Okay, yes it is. So what?

Is awareness a self-centered movement? Or is awareness stopped and non-existent when one is self-centered?

I kinda see what you mean but not fully.

In order to find out what awareness is, must we not find out what awareness is not? Then from there discover how unaware we are.

I am not sure! I feel aware sometimes. But then it doesn’t seem to last long.

Of course!

Why do you say ‘of course’?

Anything willful, planned, by effort, by imagining or by drugs cannot make one aware.

So you are saying it can’t be forced.

Yes but much more than that! Awareness has no cause, being unaware has a cause.

Which is what? What is the cause of unawareness then?

To be preoccupied sir. That is simple then isn’t it?

When you put it that way yes! So then why are we so unaware?

The brain is always active, thinking sir, it is on override. Thinking enters places where it has little value or meaning.

Those places are?

Thinking has very little value in the area of human relationship. It gives one the illusion of relationship because you think like someone else or like a group of people. This has been our downfall sir. Surely you see that!

I think I do but it seems too deep for me.

Yes that is another thing that thinking does to avoid the issue.

What issue? And I think you have just called me lazy.

No sir, the fact is we are lazy! You are only not lazy when there is some pleasure in it for you, when you find the motivation, no sir?

Yes I see that. But relationship?

Sir, relationship through thinking is only association. People who are united through thinking are united through beliefs, be they religious, political, philosophical, or economic, it is all so superficial. Relationship implies being connected, contacting, being in movement with.

So can you say I am connected through my faith or religion?

No sir, that is not true!

Why not?

That is simple to see! Because being connected through anything that thinking creates like religion, philosophy, etc, is going to separate you from some other group which then leads to conflict and war. That has been our history of life on this planet – lot of things put together by thinking and the denial of relationship because of those things.

That is amazing!

Yes! If you see it and remain with it! Relationship in life is the most important thing. Not the job you have or the car you drive. But a deep connection first sir with your being. You are not the things thinking says you are. You are far deeper and richer than that. To see the fact of that one must refuse to enter any relationship or give importance to any relationship that is based on what thinking has put together.

Then how do I live Bri?

Sir, most people are struggling for human connection, socially we have great difficulty finding love and security.

No doubt about that!

See why sir? Because the things that are supposed to bring us security, like money, a job, religion, my family, bring conflict and conformity. When I don’t conform to the demands of another, I am left out! Thrown out! Relationship and connection come about when thinking is quiet, when I have no judgment, no preconceived idea about myself and or another. This is the movement of compassion; it arises in the ashes of all my self-centered thinking. So many people are unaware sir of what is happening, how quickly life comes and goes and at the end of our years most people’s brains are worn out. They are dazed and confused by their conflictual lives. Conflict breeds its own energy, rising out of the mechanical process of thought which fuels the war machine and has been doing that for one hundred thousand years. Relationship, connection is a more subtle movement which blooms in awareness. That awareness is not something that has any relationship to thinking – one cannot think oneself aware. When you are in discord or conflict, hurt, jealously, fear, greed, we poison everything we touch. To be aware of these movements as they are happening in you without trying to get rid of them is meditation. In that meditation awareness is the cornerstone of all relationship, thinking is perceived and torn out. In that we are free and that freedom is the movement of love, compassion and intelligence.

You strike a hard bargain.

No sir, bargaining is another form of trying to get what we want. I want nothing from you! Just see the truth of what is being said. It has nothing to do with me really. I’m not trying to convince you of anything.

Well you’re doing a damn good job!

Maybe you just see the truth of what is being said.

Yes maybe! Thanks. May I come again?

Of course!

Coach bri