Self, the ego, is a limited thing that gives quality to itself that it simply doesn’t possess. It is always wanting something in one moment and can in a few short moments want something completely the opposite. Self is always in contradiction and hides in a sense of superiority when it is found out for the lie and contradiction that it is. This sense of being superior is embedded in the fabric from which self is made, which is from experience, memory, and knowledge, which form a thought. Thought is always bound by time and anything that is put together by thought is time and therefore limited. This limiting process that thought is based on that self is nothing more than beliefs sustained by self’s identification with the very beliefs it has built, which is calls faith. Faith breeds a sense of superiority and in this process finds meaning and purpose, which has always lead to conflict and war. Be it the war in a marriage or with a child or against two countries, self-interest and a sense of being right is how ego/self keeps the damage going. Only where self is not love and beauty are. That process is seeing what self is and all the conflict it inflicts in oneself and another and ending it. That is the highest form of intelligence and the birth of compassion.

Coachbri

We were loading up the truck with great speed and efficiency. In the distance we could see the coming rain as it speckled the sky in tiny dark spots that were to reach the earth. You could see the clear line of wind and rain as it hadn’t reached us yet but when it did we would be soaked to the bone. We got the truck and trailer loaded and headed to the dump and the change in wind prevented the rain from reaching us full force. As we entered the dump, the ground was thick with dark black mud. The truck and trailer slid their way up the low-grade hill until it reached the top and we emptied it quicker than we filled it. The man at the dump came out to greet us. He slowly looked over the things we were dumping as if he was looking for buried treasure. His eyes lit up and you could easily see that what we were hauling in was of some use to him. He patiently helped us unload the truck and trailer and took the things he wanted to a different area close to his shed. He had the hands of the working man – strong, dirty, cut, but full of knowledge and experience. He was a man that knew how to use his hands and they were his livelihood. When we were empty he returned from his shed and gave us a bill. We paid it and left.

The dump is a very interesting place: people bring the things to it that they no longer want or think have value and discard them. The old man at the dump saw this junk and it was clear he had no hesitation in investigating what was brought into the dump and directed each person carefully where to dispose of it. It made me think of “one man’s garbage is another man’s treasure” and I sat with the psychological implications of that statement for quite some time. It was almost 4:00 p.m. and after I had showered, I sat in the study waiting for my next appointment.

There was a strong knock at the door. I got up and answered it and invited the person in. I noticed by his walk and entrance his movements were very quick and stiff. He seemed to have a lot on his mind and had come to tell the story and wanted definite answers.

Hello sir. My name is Brian.

My name is Jon. I received your name from the pastor of my church and he told me that I may benefit from speaking with you. I live in London and on the drive up for an hour I’d been running thoughts through my mind, trying to decide what to talk to you about. Also I noticed the closer I got to your house the less interested I seemed in talking.

Okay sir that’s fair! Where would you like to begin?

I guess the problem is my wife. I just don’t understand her!

Sorry sir, I’m not trying to be rude, but why don’t you try spending time understanding yourself? That seems like a better investment of your time and money!

Well I know ultimately I’m here about my, my …?

Your unhappiness sir!

Yeah maybe that’s it. I just don’t get women!

Sir, what do you mean by “just don’t get”?

I don’t understand them. I don’t seem to be able to get along with them. Well, I never have!

Do you mean being able to get along with them or her in particular?

Yes, my wife you mean?

Okay, your wife. What would that look like?

We wouldn’t fight so much, we’d have a great sex life, we would be able to be together and enjoy each other’s company, she wouldn’t criticize me so much, I wouldn’t always be insecure with her, she would listen to me, she’d just do what I say.

Okay. So in other words she would love you the way you want to be loved!

Yes that about sums it up.

Sir, isn’t she saying the same thing about you, that if you loved her, you would love her the way she wants you to be loved.

Yeah I guess that sounds right.

Sir…

Can you please call me Jon?

Okay Jon. Throughout the dawn of time men have lived in conflict with woman.

Well I’m not convinced of that!

I’m not trying to convince you of anything. You can see it in your own life with your wife!

See what?

See the fact of the conflict!

And the conflict is?

Between you and her. Your ego bumping up against her ego!

Well I think that’s in everything. It is not just between men and women.

I agree with you Jon but you are here about a relationship with your wife.

Yes I am but your comment really covers all human relationship, doesn’t it?

I’m not sure but just for now let’s keep it as the conflict between you and your wife and let’s gain an understanding of that. I believe we can do that sir if you want. As men are we willing to take a journey together and take a hard look at ourselves so that we can look and see how deeply we are conditioned and how very little questioning of that conditioning goes on? And because we don’t question and examine our thinking but are conditioned, we have lost touch with our maleness therefore we are in conflict with woman.

Well there is no doubt that I’m in conflict with my wife. Most of the time I don’t like her and all the things she stands for.

Yes. Or you have a deep resentment for your wife!

Yes I guess I do.

How do you know that this resentment is an absolute indisputable fact?

While now that you’re discussing it I do feel I have a strong resentment of my wife. As a matter of fact I can’t seem to get close to her and get her approval.

Jon, your resentment is deeper than approval. You hate the fact that you need her far more than she needs you. Women are now saying I want a man in my bed but I don’t want them in my home. We’re coming to that more and more.

I don’t get what you’re saying! I need her more than she needs me? I don’t think so!

Jon, what do you want from your wife?

I want her to meet my needs so that I can be happy!

Which means what? You see her as your source of happiness and that source of happiness is outside of you in her.

Yes I would agree she is a source of my happiness.

Now do you really think you’re the source of happiness in her life?

Not like she is for me!

That’s my point. Men, since the dawn of time have sought happiness from sources outside of themselves. Not finding it in woman, we resent them, their power.

This is getting very complicated. I’m pretty easy-going guy. Just fuck me the way I want it, yeah, the way I want it and she can pretty much get everything from me she wants and needs.

Yes Jon you have just put it perfectly: your conditioning of woman is they are there for your pleasure, and the more pleasure she gives you the more she covers up your inadequacy.

I didn’t say that!

Let’s be real Jon. Don’t you want your wife for sex?

Well it’s a bigger part of the relationship then it is for her!

Which means what? You want it more often than she does and when you get it the way you want it you perceive your relationship to be what?

Fantastic I guess.

Okay, so when are you in conflict with your wife?

What? I don’t get it!

So you’re dependent on her to give you pleasure. When she doesn’t give that to you, what do you do?

I don’t know. Stay away I guess. Keep out of her way.

More than that Jon. Don’t you try to bully her, get moody, manipulate her, pout, see strippers, pornography, hang out with the boys etc?

Yeah I guess you’re right, if I’m being honest.

Why wouldn’t you want to be anything but honest?

The conversation were having right now is very different. I’m not used to talking to people like this!

Yes I know it’s very hard for men to be honest. Most men will debate theoretical physics, politics, economics, but very few men will really discuss the matters of the heart. Sex for most men meets their sense of loving and belonging, a deep need that exists in most human beings. Men really believe and have been conditioned to think that sex satisfies that need. But all that does is inflame the appetite for the behavior of sex. Now I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with having sex – it has its place. But unless we face our deep resentment of woman, we can’t go beyond.

I don’t understand this deep resentment of women! I don’t think that’s in my life!

So tell me what happens when you get together with a group of male friends, especially when there’s drinking.

Well, we joke around a lot!

No you don’t joke around a lot. What happens is you attack each other jokingly, you dig at each other, criticize each other all done in fun, until one guy really gets ganged up on, made a fool of, and all the guys laugh when he gets pissed off. Everybody hates to be that guy that gets picked on but the fact is that’s how most males relate with each other, to different degrees.

Okay I see what you’re saying. That’s true but why?

Because we are all so frustrated!

Frustrated about what?

Frustrated with the fact that we need women far more than they need us. We try to connect through the intellect which doesn’t work. So we spend our time humiliating them in all kinds of ways because of our own inadequacy. Our own frustration is from not knowing how to find happiness from a source inside ourselves. So when we can’t we addict to all kinds of things. Addiction is always the sign of dependency caused by inadequacy within ourselves. That’s the pain, and woman was born with purpose, a vessel of creation that doesn’t have a clue how to nurture a man. Therefore we have conflict and all the anger and brutality that go with it.

This is really rattling me! I just don’t know what to say. I see some truth in what you’re saying but the problem seems so overwhelming. I can’t tell my wife what I really think of her. I know in my heart what I really want to do is humiliate her. I want to hurt her as bad as she hurts me. I am so sick of her independence and her strength and… and!

The fact she doesn’t need you!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Jon I know this is difficult but when are you happiest with your wife?

When I’m not so dependent on her and my life is filled with other things. I just don’t know if I can remain married. A part of me knows I love her yet by what we’ve discussed that seems to be a contradiction.

Yes you’re right it is the very structure of thinking, which is at the root of conflict, is a contradiction. The point of all this Jon is to face the fact of your conditioning without condemning or justify it. If you can perceive all the disorder in your relationship with your wife, then something new takes place. And that newness has nothing whatsoever to do with thought or the thinking process. Thinking is where we hide, where we lie, where we resent. Face it Jon and see it as it is.

I know this is just the beginning for me and I know why my pastor sent me to you. This conversation is very profound to me, so thanks. I know I would like to come back and see you but I need little time to digest all this.

I understand, come back whenever.

Coach Bri

It was a lovely spring morning. The earth was dark and damp and gave off such a rich, earthy smell. The sky looked so turquoise blue over the lake and on the horizon the colors were so soft with no promise of rain.

We walked for some time in the solitude of the morning. He then began to cry. His tears were large and he felt somewhat embarrassed and foolish.

Let them come sir! It is so cleansing to be vulnerable. You are among friends now.

I sorry for all this, I never thought this would happen, but it is there now and I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness.

Yes sir. Let it be there! Do watch it sir and see all of it without any interruption.

But it feels so… so…

Ugly, sir?

Well, I wasn’t going to say that but it does make sense, it is kinda ugly.

Sir, most of us live such a self-centered, ugly existence.  We want to be so much more than what we are. We need to have letters after our name so we seek and broadcast all our accreditation to buff us up so we don’t feels so empty.

That is how I feel – so insignificant.

Yes sir we are! We live such boring lives, and try to establish some profound, deeper meaning to our existence, when really we are petty, shallow-minded and a slave to desire.

I can see that although I have never put words to it before.

Or we are always wanting to be entertained, taken out of our mediocre, boring lives.

My life is boring. Don’t get me wrong – I have done a lot with my life and I am thankful but it all seems to be so heartless. Nothing brings me real satisfaction. I seem to spend my life just active to be active. I feel that I am really running, but don’t know what from.

Yourself sir!

How do you mean? I have a good job, wife, kids, I meet my responsibilities but it is not enough. I want something more but don’t know what!

Yes sir, thought in its very nature creates an ego or self and that self is our existence. As it moves it is always comparing, judging, and evaluating and therefore creates a division between you and your life. That division is the movement of pleasure and pain which is what self is. It is nothing more than a movement of pleasure and pain. We or self are that movement and that movement also keeps itself going and creates a sense of void. That deep void within, being the product of self, is where most human beings are caught. This is the prison humanity is caught in. This is his burden, the source of all his confusion. He is always trying to cover it up and in doing so creates conflict. He rejects any other possible way to live. He is in conflict with himself, because thought divides him against himself. It breaks us up into parts of thought, feeling and action. It is the source of all human anxiety sir. To act out of thinking in the world of technology is the only place for thought to act. Any other place, thought is a burden.  In the matter if relationship and of the heart thought has little place, only to communicate. That is all!

It is true that I am lost! That is the feeling of have.

Yes sir, most of humanity is lost. Lost in the vain pursuits of religion, making money, acquiring something to show others and our self we are someone. And for all this we will go to war! Always creating deeper anxiety for all sir!

This has been so helpful. I thought all these things were locked inside and no words to get them out. Why do I feel so much better, when I think I just looked at how ugly I am.

Sir, the truth acts, it is the thing that sets us free. Right sir?

I must come to your discussion in Toronto. Thank you.

No problem sir!

Coach Bri

I was thinking about what you have said at Friday night group, and I had a flash of what I think may be that order you were talking about. What I saw was that I have been raised in a so-called religious home. But when I think of all the external control applied by my parents I feel that the level of criticism that I received and now practice on my family is what you say is my disorder. I think I see this. My son acts out of his disorder and I add to it. Do I have this correct?

What is the disorder you practice on your son?

Well, it is the same as I practiced on my husband! That anger and frustration!

Yes but are you not the anger and frustration, which is the fact of your disorder?

Yes, so what do I do now? Practice internal psychology, right?

So what do you do in your anger and frustration?

As you have said a thousand times, I choose a behavior that kills the relationships so I am caught in the thinking mode and I have to act it out on someone.

Can you see that choosing a predisposed position is one action that again reinforces the thinking process and external psychology?

I don’t follow that! Do you mean that practicing an internal psychology is also part of disorder?

No, I don’t think you can willfully practice an internal psychology.

I don’t understand. Can you make it clearer?

One must come to terms with something!

And that something is?

Your brain, my brain, is caught in a web called consciousness. It is made up of a self and every person has a self. Self is a product of memory, which is caught in time because self is a product of experience.

Ok I get that! Self is a group of experiences that I gather in the brain as memory. But I have a sense that I have aged and am wiser now than I was 10 years ago!

Yes but you’re not!

How do you know that?

You just have more knowledge about your self but you are still caught in your animal instincts and sustain them by using thought.

Okay I am more sustaining now than I was when I was 20.

Yes, true, but that is proof your not wiser!

I don’t get this then!!

Yes I know! Look at it! Or don’t look – the choice is yours.

No I want to look at it! It is just you piss me off so much.

Yes I know!

See! So you’re doing it on purpose!

No! You are angry now with me, right? Or your son or husband right?

Yes! Yes!

Who is it that is angry?

My self at your self!

So is your self different from your anger?

Yes, there is anger then there is me, my self acting out the anger!

What if you is anger!

Me is anger? I don’t get that.

You see, external control psychology has built the self out of memory. Self is a bundle of memory stored in the brain called self.

Okay, I see that and I guess it sounds right!

This sense of self is formed from the outside!
If I asked you, who you are, you would say what?

That I am me!

And who is you!

I would say I am a Canadian, a mother, a wife!

Yes and where did you learn that?

I guess from my parents!

Yes, but partly from your environment or society.

Okay!

And that is external from you!

What do you mean by that, “external from you”?

Well, you were conditioned to think you are Canadian.

I am a Canadian!

Yes, when you accept who you are governed by the external thinking. If you were born in the same place 500 years ago, would you still be a Canadian?

Of course I would!

Canada didn’t exist as Canada 500 years ago. The land did but not the conditioning called Canada.

Yes, I see what you’re driving at! How about my beliefs?

They are all put in you then you modify them to suit your experience.

Yes, but I have a belief about the universal energy and reincarnation! That is real!

Real yes, but untrue.

What do you mean? It is true to me. I live by it!

Yes each person lives according to his own belief! But why? Why is believing so important to us? To you or any human being?

Because it gives life meaning?

Okay, how? It only gives you a sense of false security!

Look I believe what I believe and I have the … damn…

Right to! And that right gives one a sense of security, no?

And what is wrong with feeling secure?

Well isn’t the demand for security a sign of insecurity!

Okay I think I see that?

Think you see that? Isn’t every problem you have with your husband and son you looking for security and if they only did what you said, lived how you want them to, there would be no conflict?

Yes okay, I see it! I see it! I get it!

What is it you get?

When I have problems with them we are in conflict and I see I’m the source of that conflict. I get that when my belief is there for them my self is there. The feeling of anger and frustration is the self, which is me in action.

Yes, now what can you do about that?

I don’t know? My life is this!

Yes it is! Now can I see that trying to change in any way is to avoid my inner ugliness and the fact that me, anger, frustration is all one clump of self or ego. So if I try to do anything to self, to change, is the wrong approach. This is self judging self, trying to get out of self, which strengthens self!

You know I think I do that! Strange as it is! That is my life.

Okay, so see the fact and remain with the fact that the self-centered movement is one movement. Fear is self, hurt is self etc. You can’t do anything about it. If you do you are creating more conflict. If you are willing to end all conflict, self and its beliefs no longer fuel external psychology and one comes upon a deep movement not the product of the self. That movement brings order and that order is a new beginning.

I have lots to think about! Thank you!!!

You’re welcome.

Coach bri

It was a gentle rain that grew more intense in the strong breeze. It was like seeing the wind as it moved. It came in waves and would crash against the large stone house and cars in its driveway. The birds would all be very quiet and would start up again as the wind subsided. It all seemed like a symphony – the wind, the rain beating down on the metal cars, the birds chattering, and noise of water rushing off the roof into the large puddles that formed around the house. The trees seem to delight in the shower of rain that washed all the dust of the past days, allowing them to breathe fresh again. The bounty of the earth’s lessons speaks to us if we listen to her. But few are interested! Like the rain that washes away the dirt I wonder what will allow man to wash away his self-interest. It is our self-interest that seems to destroy everything.

There were lot of people; the energy of excitement was there. This energy of excitement comes when we as human beings identify our self with the things of thinking. It is not the energy of human beings connecting or people coming together for a noble cause. In the Bell Center there was a full gamut of energy. The energy was of people that were happy about their son being chosen and the energy of nerves and worry about not being chosen. It seemed for most of the young men it was a series of tense moments collapsing into themselves in a feeling of rejection and hurt. Then, when their names were called, elation and congratulations of hugs and kisses. As the day went on people grew impatient and small conflicts arose that soured the event. The crowd attached to their sport team often booed and cat-called other teams, making it almost impossible to hear what was being said over the PA system. We are so well trained to be competitive to allow people from the outside to judge us and we compare our self to another. It this self-centered process that reinforces the images we have of our self and the other. All comparison leads to disconnection and conflict. To compare human beings is to set self-centered criteria in place and fulfill it demands to meet ones own idea or ideal.

Coach bri

Spring was making attempts to come but the cold arctic air was still felt in the mid afternoon. He was very disappointed in the weather and snow was forecast for the next several days. He walked into the office, strongly and briskly, and he dropped down into the chair and talked as if he wanted to get at it. He attacked the conversation about the weather as if he was taking personal offense to the cold and that cold was out to get him.

Why am I so unhappy? I seem to mess up all the time. If I talk to anyone I am ok. I listen but the moment I start to give my opinion, people are against me and I always end up in some sort of fight. My wife tells me all the time I love conflict. I feel I hate it and am sick of fighting. I feel she pulls that on me to get her way and she knows it hurts me so I will back off. I wish I just didn’t have to fight all the time

Sir if I may…Human beings have settled into conflict and all we seem to accept life as is a struggle. The question is: struggle against what? For what? Everything is made into a problem to be solved. This is from the technical and survival training we had years ago to use in order to battle the forces of nature. To survive in the wilderness thinking and all its innovation were essential so that we could live. But why do we live in conflict now? That is the question, is it not sir?

I think it is! But I have asked a similar question to that and when I ask it to people, we end up in conflict of opinion, then it goes downhill from there.

Sir, you see the war around you, the fighting on the TV. It is getting far worse with all these extreme shows. Really they are all conflict based and people love to watch those reality show because why sir? Why are we so interested in watching who gets sent home or loses the most weight etc? Why Sir?

I guess we like it!

What is there to like? We watch people emotionally torture people, right sir! We love to see people deal with rejection, fear, anxiety, all kinds of stuff. Why?

I guess it is entertaining, to see people suffer I guess.

Yes, but why do we want others to suffer? And watch it? The more gory the better.

I don’t know why. I just like it I guess.

Apart from that sir? You watch the extreme or go to extremes. Why?

I have no idea. I see what you mean but it seems so hidden.

Is it that we are so desensitized? Sir, in the extreme we feel alive; our emotions are touched because we have lost all our sensitivity.

Well I feel like nothing touches me. Except sex perhaps and then in that it has to be aggressive, or degrading. I don’t mean I hit her or anything it just that….

That there is no sensitivity or tenderness in it. Right Sir? You are with the body but not the being.

That basically sums that up! But there is so much conflict between us.

Yes John! And the source of that conflict is what?

I guess we are on different pages. Or something!

No, much deeper, your self is in battle with her self and where self is, love, compassion, and tenderness are not.

That is true. We haven’t been friends for the past ten years.

Yes sir, friends don’t live in conflict. They don’t take part in it.

Well we have lots of that; sometimes I have nothing but hate and resentment for her and nothing else.

And for you, what does she have?

I guess the same – she has just given up on me.

Given up on what Sir?

On me. I have let her down. I am not the man she once wanted or ever had. I can’t live up to her expectations.

Can she live up to yours sir?

So you are saying it is my fault then or both our faults?

Does it matter whose fault it is sir? Really?

Well I blame her and she blames me.

Yes, so then what? Two people waiting for the other to change, two people know how the other should change, two people sure they know what is best for the other and therefore no relationship.

Ok, buddy, you have made your point. So there is my miserable little life.

No sir, life is what happens to you when you are not in conflict. The problem is we are in conflict most of the time.

With what?

With time itself and everything it has created.

Wait! That is a bit off. I don’t get it.

Thought has produced who you think you are. You have gathered that from the outside, thinking it is an internal movement. Therefore you are always trying to become something better that what you are. So you are programmed to build an image about yourself because everyone around you is building images about themselves.

Why would they do that?

To belong, to give one’s self or ego a sense that it is real.

But if it comes from the outside, it is not from my inside, then why does it feel so important and precious?

It gives one a sense of security which is false and because it is the only thing thought knows what to do – to build images and think they’re real.

So you are telling me I am in conflict with my wife because I see her through an image.

Yes sir!

What image?

The one that suits you at any given time.

So if that is true I am doing this to her and she to me then that means that our relationship isn’t real.

Sir, if you see you are in conflict with someone, isn’t that conflict based on opposing points of view, opposing images? So drop your image!

Well why should I? Why don’t you tell her to drop hers?

That is just it sir! Do you see it? I am miserable, and I want someone else to change. This is how we live – so irresponsible to our own transformation.

Bud, look, I know you are right and at the same time I am happy about this conversation but at the same time … you!!! I’m just so angry, yet grateful … no, angry for…….

… You’re pissed at me, right sir?

Yeah, but I see what you are saying. It is just so demanding and I see it is me, not her. My whole life is this blaming.

I know! Petty little lives we live, right sir?

Yeah! Thanks!

Coach bri