CoachBri’s Blog

It was a beautiful October morning and as I stepped onto the street one could smell the freshness of the day. The sun on the multi-colored leaves gave the appearance that death was a beautiful thing. The leaves that give life to the tree had served their purpose and now, with the coming winter, it was time for them to die and for the tree to go deep into itself and rest from the busy summer. As I walked across the road to my car, the contrast of colors between the asphalt that was dark and rich and the fallen leaves was breathtaking. As I slowly made my drive to the office and the beaches, Toronto never looked so beautiful.

He greeted me with a handshake that was limp and tired. His eyes were weary, but engaging. As he sat in the chair he was rather anxious, and waiting for his turn to speak. He carried with him at burden of persecution, and as he spoke one could see that he was well rehearsed and caught in the drama of his own making.

Well, what would you like to talk about this morning?

My friend gave me your number and told me that you could probably help me. He speaks very highly of you but I must say I don’t think or believe that you know about mental illness. My friend perhaps has misinterpreted you, but I already notice you are not that professional by your appearance.

I guess I’m glad you didn’t run away then when you saw me!

Sorry I don’t really mean to be rude but this is one of my problems as I think I suffer from Tourette’s. My friend also told me that you think that mental illness is a choice and not a chemical deficiency in people’s brains. How can you even comment on these things when I don’t believe you are a doctor! I have seen many psychiatrists and therapists before, and none of them have ever had an approach like yours.

Okay you’ve seen a lot of psychiatrists and therapists. Did you find them effective? Did they work for you?
I think they did but there are some good ones and some bad ones!

So how do you know a psychiatrist or therapist is a good one and how do you know they’re a bad one?

While the real good ones understand me they also provide me with medication to help me manage my depression. And the bad ones don’t listen well or understand my illness.

So you suffer from depression, how longing have you been depressing?

I have been this way since I’ve been a teenager. My parents told me that I have always been this way as a child. I used to be on Ritalin for hyperactivity and attention deficit disorder, as well as some manic phases.

So may I ask you a question?

You might not like my answer!

Why wouldn’t I like your answer if it’s the truth? Isn’t that the only thing that matters?

That is a trick question! Are you talking your truth or my truth?

Surely if it is your truth or my truth it must be false!

I disagree with you. So you’re telling me that there’s absolute truth?

Sir, I have asked you a simple question: What determines a good psychiatrist or therapist from a bad one?

I’m not sure of your question, but I do know that I have seen a lot of professional people and few are very good at their jobs.

If they were good at their jobs how would that impact you?

Well they would listen to me, and I would be more effective in dealing with my mental illness.

So how come you’re not going to one of those effective people to help you with your mental illness now?

Because my friend said you have helped him so much. So I thought I would come and give it a try even though I disagree with you completely.

Okay, so what is it that I can help you with today?

Well my whole life is a mess! I used to be a person that could really do a lot of things and since I have been on medication I seem to have lost desire to do anything lately.

How long is lately?

I would say approximately 15 or 16 years!

That’s a long time Timothy. Can I call you Timothy?

You can just call me Tim, Timothy sounds so formal and besides, that’s what my parents call me and I hate it!!!

Okay Tim it is. So Tim, lately has been a long time. What happened 15 or 16 years ago when your life seem to get out of whack?

My parents were very disappointed in my performance at high school and I got shipped off to do another school, which was private. I hated it there but it was nice to get away from the control of my parents. After I was at that school for about six months I was able to function quite well. My marks were high, I was on a disciplined program and my parents started to look like idiots because they couldn’t find any problems with me.

That is amazing! So what happened next?

My parents demanded that I come home and then my whole life fell apart again, I went to a normal school, did a normal thing like have a girlfriend, but my parents didn’t want me to have a girlfriend.

So then what did you do Tim?

Well from there it’s been downhill. My parents were always forcing me to do what they wanted me to do and if I didn’t then I’d go back to that school which they took me from in the first place where I was doing fine because they’re assholes.

Are they still living now, your parents?

Yes they are, but we are not on very good terms!

What do you mean by not very good terms?

They don’t agree with all a lot of my lifestyle. They are always coming up with things that I have to do, so I just choose to ignore them.

Is ignoring them making your life any better?

Well it’s better than it’s ever been.

What’s better than it’s ever been?

My relationship with my parents!

What’s good about it?

Well they finally have learned to leave me alone! But every time I see them they go over the same problems, which basically is, what I’m going to do for the rest of my life … doing their “how will I survive in life” … all the regular bullshit!

Tim, what in your life is going really well for you right now? Do you work or volunteer, play sports, a member of any clubs?

I worked periodically once I was finished at University. Over the past eight or ten years I don’t last as a job very long.

And may I ask why is that?

Well my mental illness keeps getting in the way!

How so Tim?

Well isn’t it obvious? Look at how nervous I am – look my hands and how raw they are – I scratch them all the time. I’m always anxious about things. I hate the fact that most people you work with are always so bossy.

Tim, in the last seven or eight years, how many jobs have you actually had?

Well that’s the thing. I can’t remember how many. That’s one thing about the medication I’m on – it really affects my memory. But I would say quite a few.

Have you ever had a job that you really enjoyed and you did well at?

Yes I remember working at a public library as a librarian and I really enjoyed cataloging books and sometimes I even got to fix books. I really liked the job! There were a few people there who were part-time and I just couldn’t get along with. They didn’t understand my mental illness.

What about your mental illness didn’t they understand?

I don’t think you’re very observant as a therapist. Can’t you see the way I am? Can’t you see how nervous I am? Look, I’m a wreck!!! Obviously you don’t have the experience to help a person like me!

Okay, so help me little here. What about your mental illness didn’t they understand?

They didn’t understand the fact that I don’t like to be told what to do. I also have oppositional disorder! Are you familiar with that?

Tim, my understanding is you don’t like to be told what to do!

Well who likes to be told what to do? I get very upset!

Did you ever have a relationship with a person that you really liked that lasted for a few months or more?

Yes of course. I have had a girlfriend before, once for 18 months!

Did she ever tell you what to do?

Not very often!

So when she told you what to do, did you get upset with her?

While not at first but towards the end of our relationship I started to get very upset. I just couldn’t control myself, my mental illness was full-blown!

So let me get this straight: in the beginning part of your relationship when she used to tell you what to do, it didn’t get you upset. So why do you think that is?

Well I was just getting to know her and I really liked her!

So when you’re around people that you really like how often is your mental illness full-blown?

I don’t like what you’re insinuating right now but it’s pretty clever of you!

So how do you think I’m being clever?

Well what you’re really saying to me is when I’m around people I like I don’t have mental illness!

Well I don’t know about that Tim but I do know one thing: when we get along with people in our life the way we want to and need to, we seem to be happier. When people are happier I think we don’t choose behaviors that get in our way of getting along with people.

I think that’s crap! I’ve been struggling with my depression for about ten years now and it’s real to me. You’re just like another therapist that I saw. She told me that I was playing a lot head games with her.

Tim I don’t know if you were playing head games with her not. I can’t comment on that relationship with her but I do know this: when we’re miserable and we can’t get along with people in our life the way we want to and need to, we can choose not to be in our right mind.

That’s a bunch of bullshit! You’re telling me that I am choosing to compulsively rub my hands, compulsively wash my hands, to get so depressed that I can’t even get out of bed and that I get bouts of uncontrolled swearing.
Tim, when was the last time you’ve really been happy in your life?

I would say when I was back at school, college I guess.

Tell me about that Tim.

Well I was really doing what I like to do. I was working part time at the library at the University and then I met another student who was also working at the library and I guess I fell in love.

How much of your mental illness showed up when you’re in love?

You don’t understand. At that point I was just put on lithium and it really helped me to balance my life!

Tim let me ask you a question that I need a real honest answer! I’m going to assume that your mental illness showed up again towards the end of your relationship!

Well of course it did. As my body had adjusted to the lithium again, my mental illness showed itself again!

Okay so when did this mental illness exactly show up?

Well that’s easy. It started about a year and a half after Jennifer started working at the Robarts library.

So what happened then to Jennifer at the Robarts library?

Well nothing happened!

Well what changed in your relationship with Jennifer?

Nothing she just got busier and busier!

What was your response to her getting busier and busier?

I tried to talk to her about it and told her that I missed her and she said that she thought that we needed to take a break for a while!

How did you respond to her wanting to take a break for a while?

She didn’t like it and because my mental illness started to come back, and I mean real strong, worse than it’s ever been! She made some promises she couldn’t keep!

And what of those promises look like?

Well she understood how depressed I get and she promised to spend more time with me. She fucking lied to me. The fucking holing bitch! See my Tourette’s, sorry! Sorry! Sorry! I think I need to take a break right now!

Tim if you don’t mind I’d like to continue?

Well I’m not going to be responsible for my actions if we do!

Tim I want to teach you something! But it’s going to be difficult? Did anyone else come in the picture for Jennifer, any other interested person? (Tim jumped up from his seat and began to pace back and forth and he quickly sat down stood up and started to tap on the wall with his fingers he repeatedly and did this several times for about 20 minutes) Tim I need you to sit down if you can but if you can’t and do not want to continue talking with me that’s okay.

In a very deep voice from his gut he blurted out: The fucking ah, the fucking .. here we go… Roger!

When you knew you were losing her did you try to control her with your mental illness?

I did no such fucking thing! Do you think I am a fucking idiot! Who the fuck are you anyway? Bite me you fucking son of the bitch!

Tim you don’t seem depressed right now. It looks like you’re feeling angry.

I’m angry all right! Especially when you think I’m faking all this!

You’ve got me wrong Tim. I don’t feel you’re faking anything but I do think you’re choosing!

And why the hell would I do that? Rat Roger Fucker!!!!

Well I think you loved her and you’re angry at yourself because you blew it!

Well of course I blew it … Fucking Roger that! I want the fuck out of here!

You can leave if you want to Tim. We can get together next week if you want.

I don’t think so!

Well that’s okay with me. It’s up to you!

That’s okay with me that’s okay with me that’s okay with me!!!!!!!

You’ve got a lot to think about Tim. I think you’ve come a long way and I really think I could help you but it’s going to be difficult. But if you’re up for the challenge I’d love to see you again. Why not call me a couple days see how you feel and then decide!

Well according to you, if I have no mental illness I should be able to be to decide right now!

That’s up to you. If you want to tell me you don’t want to come and see me next week that’s fine but if you change your mind, give me a call. Thanks for coming in.

Yeah see ya. Roger Fucking Roger

He left quite abruptly. Two days later he called for another appointment.

Coach bri