CoachBri’s Blog

He was 17 and no one was going to tell him how to live his life. He was clean and well dressed in the latest styles. His hair was groomed and hands were rough and banged up.

He started off the session:

I am here because my mother said I had to come and see you. But I think she is the one that needs the help.

You are probably right sir. Most parents who force their children to do anything are sowing their own seeds of misery.

I think she means well but she’s always on my case about something.

So how did you get bribed into coming and seeing me?

I didn’t. I said I would do it if she got off my ass about shit!

Okay, so now you’re here and if you like I will tell her you came and you’re off the hook. I don’t see anyone who is forced to see me unless the court orders it.

So I can go?

Yes.

And you will tell her I came and spoke with you.

Well you did and you are so I’m not going to keep you here resenting that you’re here, to keep your mother happy.  You’re a grown man and I don’t want to tell you that you need help when you think you don’t.

But I might need a little help!

How do you know that? You seem like a bright kid. You present like things are going well for you. Your not in any kind of trouble are you with the law or school?

No!

I didn’t think so!

You probably have a girlfriend and you know how to have safe sex so I doubt there are any problems there either.

No problems there!

Okay so you haven’t thought of hurting yourself in any way have you? Or killing yourself?

Maybe.

Maybe? Can you tell me about maybe?

It’s hard! I’m not sure how or why.

Yes you’re right – this kind of conversation is difficult!

No! Not the conversation! The words to express what I feel!

How do you feel?

Just empty, nothing seems to have any meaning!

Yes, life can be that way sometimes! How long have you felt this way?

I would say for about eighteen months now!

What happened eighteen months ago that you’re finding hard to talk about?

By this time there were tears flowing from his eyes. His big eyelashes seemed to hold a lot of tears and as he blinked on occasion, drops would flicker off his lashes and on to the floor.

Why is it that nothing seems important to me? School is full of stuff that I won’t even use or need in my life and people are mean.

So who is mean to you?

Not me really, I get along fine! People like me because – all kinds of reasons – because I fit their mold. So they’re comfortable with me.

Okay, so no one is mean to you! Are you mean to yourself?

What do you mean by that?

Do you like yourself, the person you are?

What person am I? I don’t even know that?

Know what?

The person I am.

Do you know who you are?

Yes, in a way!

Yeah, what way?

I guess the same way you are.

Which is what?

Oh shit man! Which guy do you want to see?

I like the guy in front of me right now! He is intense and he is questioning, and he’s sad…

I’m more than that.

Like what?

I’m all self-concerned. It’s me! Me! Me! Fucking me, that’s all I care about!

Okay, so good, thank God!

What the hell? Thank God for what?

I thought I was the only one feeling like that, but now I know there is at least two of us!

Shit man, I am all over the place! I am greedy to a fault , angry to a fault, jealous to a fault!!! And horny all day! And I just want to jerk off to porn and play video games all fucking day and just tell the world to fuckoff!!!

Well except for the horny all day stuff I’m with you. Although when my wife around sex still comes to my mind.

I’m not fooling around here! This is real stuff!!

Yes and I see that you mean it! But I still don’t feel any different than you!

Well what am I doing here then!

Maybe you’re making friends?

You’re too old to be my friend anyway!

Well that’s up to you! But how many friends do you have right now?

Lots!!

That you can say all that you said to me?

None!

So we are friends then!

Okay, but you get paid

Yes I do.

Maybe I could end up helping crazies too.

Well my friend, you are far from crazy!

I feel crazy!

People who choose to be crazy don’t know they are. And definitely don’t talk about problems in the sane way you do.

How do you know that?

Those marks on your hands are from hitting walls?

Hey, how did you know?

Because you’re not crazy. You’re angry and when you’re as angry as you, sometimes people choose to do angry things like punch walls!

I don’t want to but I can’t help it!

Well, did you get any more angry than you were today with me?

No, that’s about it, but I wanted to punch the wall!!!

Yes, you wanted to but you made a better choice and you didn’t!

Well why do I feel this way?

Because a lot of what you say is true and you haven’t figured out how to satisfy yourself in a more useful way.

I think I better find some better ways!

See crazy people don’t say that. People who are choosing to crazy don’t self evaluate like you just did.

Maybe my mom was right about seeing you.

Okay. What would you like to do about that?

Eat crow I guess!

Hey eating crow is part of life sometime.

Yeah! I do feel better but shocked.

About what?

The things I said. It just spilled out. I ‘m sorry.

No problem. It happens all the time in here.

I think I should come back.

Okay. Next week?

Sure. Thanks.

Coachbri

There was a soft rain that intensified and then slowly died out back. It seemed to move in waves, pushed and pulled by the warm wind. The snow was almost gone except for deep in the ditches along the roadside. It seemed so strange how the warmth of spring inflicted the snow with a sense of being out of place. Yet in the colder temperatures of winter, snow along the roadside seemed to define the season so well.

The warmer weather brought out the groundhogs and skunks and along the highway there was a lot of roadkill. Every couple of kilometers there would be another dead animal and the turkey vultures would return and have a feast.

He was a sad boy, yet deep in his guts he was angry, unloved and controlled. He wanted his life to be everything that it wasn’t. He had nothing to say that was good about anyone or anything. He spent the first thirty minutes of our time together trying hard to stay disconnected. He didn’t trust anyone except his sister. She was a few years older but only had time for him when it was convenient and she wanted something.

After that time had passed, he told me that there was no need for him to see me. He had life figured out. So I asked him to explain what he had figured out.

I know that life basically is full blown bullshit!!!

I think you’re right! How old are you?

Twelve, but what bullshit are you going to try and shovel down my throat? By comparing me with other twelve year-olds?

Well, I think nothing! I can see you do have life figured out. For twelve you’ve got quite a lot of insight into things.

More psycho bullshit! I’m not stupid!! It is pretty fuckin’ easy to figure it out.

Not for us all, it took me took me till I was forty to figure that out. You got it a twelve.

He sat in silence for several minutes and I remained quiet. Then I asked how he figured it out and could he share his secret with me.

Why would I do that?

Well you might want to put it in a book; you might help a lot of kids or parents.

Yeah right! Parents should be licensed!

Yep, only job I know that you don’t have to have any credentials for. Anybody can be a parent!

Well they shouldn’t let them! All they want to do is control us. Make us live up to what others think!

I know you’re right; I do it sometimes with my own kids. And I hate it. I see how they hate it and it hurts our relationship.

Well you should tell that to my parents. They’re both on drugs and I’m the one who has to look after them half the time. I do the fuckin’ shopping, pay bills and fuckin’ clean up their shit.

You seem pretty tired and angry!

No shit! How many degrees do you have to have figured that out?

I got through university, but you don’t have to have a degree to figure that out. You know that!

How the shit do you know what I know?

Hey you’re twelve, you have figured lots of things out and you don’t have a degree, unless you’re some genius child and are in university and you’re just playing me.

If wish I was in university!

Yeah, why is that?

Wouldn’t have to be in my home with my dumb parents.

That’s pretty tough eh?

At times!

How tough?

I think parents just use kids.

How do you feel used?

Well if you have them, aren’t you supposed to be there for them?

Yeah makes sense to me! You got another thing that figured out!

I hate my parents and so does my sister. She doesn’t even come home sometimes because she knows they’ll be wasted. The weekends are the worst.

Why do you say that?

Because they have their friends over and party and do drugs. And I have to cook and clean up their shit, they just use me.

That’s sad. I’m sorry. Is their anywhere you can go when that’s happening?

Sometimes I go to my Gram’s place. But then she freaks on my parents and then I get shit.

Do you think your Gram would come in and talk with me?

She’s the one who brought me here.

Are you alright if I ask her to come in and I talk to her?

About what? I can’t live there. My parents would freak, my sister already tried and the police came and everything and Gram got sick. Her heart’s no good.

Well I don’t want you to live there. We’d talk just about how when you come not to make a big deal with your parents. So you’ve got a safe place.

So Gram would call and tell them?

No, we’d talk about how she wouldn’t go at your parents and make things worse. She can just call and let them know you’re there.

She does that now!

Yes, but what else does Gram do that ends up making things worse?

She yells, gives them shit, but she should – they’re assholes.

Well, do you think your parents benefit by Gram yelling at them?

No! But they deserve it!

Yes they do but I’m concerned about you having a safe place to go. Is it safe there, do you like it there!

Yeah better than home!

Okay, so if Gram could not yell and get on their case when you have to get out, do you think you would spend more time at Gram’s?

I think so, but Gram’s not going to shut up. I know her. She’s going to be pissed at them.

You’re probably right but if she didn’t, what might happen? If she just had you call and say you are there.

It would be better I think!

Okay, so do you think she would come and talk with me? Could we do it together? I’d like to help.

I’ll get her to come next time. Can I come back tomorrow??

Well, I’m full tomorrow. How about Thursday and then it might be better for her if we give her some time to prepare.

Okay, thanks.

Coach bri