CoachBri’s Blog

I was thinking about what you have said at Friday night group, and I had a flash of what I think may be that order you were talking about. What I saw was that I have been raised in a so-called religious home. But when I think of all the external control applied by my parents I feel that the level of criticism that I received and now practice on my family is what you say is my disorder. I think I see this. My son acts out of his disorder and I add to it. Do I have this correct?

What is the disorder you practice on your son?

Well, it is the same as I practiced on my husband! That anger and frustration!

Yes but are you not the anger and frustration, which is the fact of your disorder?

Yes, so what do I do now? Practice internal psychology, right?

So what do you do in your anger and frustration?

As you have said a thousand times, I choose a behavior that kills the relationships so I am caught in the thinking mode and I have to act it out on someone.

Can you see that choosing a predisposed position is one action that again reinforces the thinking process and external psychology?

I don’t follow that! Do you mean that practicing an internal psychology is also part of disorder?

No, I don’t think you can willfully practice an internal psychology.

I don’t understand. Can you make it clearer?

One must come to terms with something!

And that something is?

Your brain, my brain, is caught in a web called consciousness. It is made up of a self and every person has a self. Self is a product of memory, which is caught in time because self is a product of experience.

Ok I get that! Self is a group of experiences that I gather in the brain as memory. But I have a sense that I have aged and am wiser now than I was 10 years ago!

Yes but you’re not!

How do you know that?

You just have more knowledge about your self but you are still caught in your animal instincts and sustain them by using thought.

Okay I am more sustaining now than I was when I was 20.

Yes, true, but that is proof your not wiser!

I don’t get this then!!

Yes I know! Look at it! Or don’t look – the choice is yours.

No I want to look at it! It is just you piss me off so much.

Yes I know!

See! So you’re doing it on purpose!

No! You are angry now with me, right? Or your son or husband right?

Yes! Yes!

Who is it that is angry?

My self at your self!

So is your self different from your anger?

Yes, there is anger then there is me, my self acting out the anger!

What if you is anger!

Me is anger? I don’t get that.

You see, external control psychology has built the self out of memory. Self is a bundle of memory stored in the brain called self.

Okay, I see that and I guess it sounds right!

This sense of self is formed from the outside!
If I asked you, who you are, you would say what?

That I am me!

And who is you!

I would say I am a Canadian, a mother, a wife!

Yes and where did you learn that?

I guess from my parents!

Yes, but partly from your environment or society.

Okay!

And that is external from you!

What do you mean by that, “external from you”?

Well, you were conditioned to think you are Canadian.

I am a Canadian!

Yes, when you accept who you are governed by the external thinking. If you were born in the same place 500 years ago, would you still be a Canadian?

Of course I would!

Canada didn’t exist as Canada 500 years ago. The land did but not the conditioning called Canada.

Yes, I see what you’re driving at! How about my beliefs?

They are all put in you then you modify them to suit your experience.

Yes, but I have a belief about the universal energy and reincarnation! That is real!

Real yes, but untrue.

What do you mean? It is true to me. I live by it!

Yes each person lives according to his own belief! But why? Why is believing so important to us? To you or any human being?

Because it gives life meaning?

Okay, how? It only gives you a sense of false security!

Look I believe what I believe and I have the … damn…

Right to! And that right gives one a sense of security, no?

And what is wrong with feeling secure?

Well isn’t the demand for security a sign of insecurity!

Okay I think I see that?

Think you see that? Isn’t every problem you have with your husband and son you looking for security and if they only did what you said, lived how you want them to, there would be no conflict?

Yes okay, I see it! I see it! I get it!

What is it you get?

When I have problems with them we are in conflict and I see I’m the source of that conflict. I get that when my belief is there for them my self is there. The feeling of anger and frustration is the self, which is me in action.

Yes, now what can you do about that?

I don’t know? My life is this!

Yes it is! Now can I see that trying to change in any way is to avoid my inner ugliness and the fact that me, anger, frustration is all one clump of self or ego. So if I try to do anything to self, to change, is the wrong approach. This is self judging self, trying to get out of self, which strengthens self!

You know I think I do that! Strange as it is! That is my life.

Okay, so see the fact and remain with the fact that the self-centered movement is one movement. Fear is self, hurt is self etc. You can’t do anything about it. If you do you are creating more conflict. If you are willing to end all conflict, self and its beliefs no longer fuel external psychology and one comes upon a deep movement not the product of the self. That movement brings order and that order is a new beginning.

I have lots to think about! Thank you!!!

You’re welcome.

Coach bri

It was a warm spring afternoon. The air held the chill of the dying winter. The sun’s warmth could be felt best in the places of seclusion from the cool air. He was a tall, handsome and dressed to perfection. He held eye contact as if not to miss a thing. He was clear about paying for his time and he hoped that we would not be interrupted. He didn’t want me to answer the phone if it rang.

Okay sir that would be fine. Now how can I help?

I’m not really here for help as in counseling. I just wanted to bounce something off you. My friend Larry told me that he often comes to see you and you seem to enable him to look at things differently.

Okay sir. Where do you want to begin?

Well first I have to check you out a little, before I decide to let you in on my ideas.

So what would you like to know?

Are you a religious person?

What do you mean by that?

I don’t want to have a debate and you pour out your religious beliefs on me. I am sick of that. My wife does it to me, my parents, even some of my friends.

Okay sir, so we are here again. What would like to bounce off me?

Why do I feel so shitty about my life? Life seems to be sad to me. Everyone gives me opinions and I don’t think they are really their opinions.

Yes sir they probably aren’t. Very few people think for themselves.

That is what I believe. My wife throws the bible at me and repeats some quote. I get the same thing from my parents. And people from my church. The other day I just couldn’t take it anymore and I walked out and walked home. When I got home my wife ask me where I went and I told her I had to get out of that place. I told her I thought the whole thing was basically lies. I don’t believe it and I can’t go anymore.

What did she say sir?

She cried and told me it was the devil. And I better be careful. She called the pastor. And he came over that afternoon. And it was horrible.

What was horrible?

I don’t know. He asked me questions and I answered and he kept holding up his bible as if it would deflect my responses.

Yes sir, the whole thing is so ugly.

Yes that is a good way to describe it. Ugly. Another thing I think is I am a realist. I can no longer tolerate all this meaningless discussion about God! I don’t even think there is one. I am sick of people saying stuff like if a good thing happens to them, well thank the lord looking after us. Or God blessing us. So god is punishing all those who have trouble or when things go wrong in their life? I don’t hear them say God is punishing me for something I did. Are the hungry in the world the wrath of God? It is all such bullshit. If I want to have sex with my wife and want to go down on her that can’t be a sin! So who do I believe, I am so tired of living by everyone else’s standards!

So what do you want?

I want to know why I feel so unhappy!

Feeling unhappy is a sign of something much deeper, is it not sir?

Like what? If people would just leave me alone and not try to run their belief system down my throat and if my wife would just accept me for the person I am and not what she wants me to be. And if my parents would just get over their son not being religious. Then my life would be great!

Can you control any of them?

No and I don’t want too. I wish I could just get them to leave me alone and not try to control me.

Sir when we are unhappy it is a feeling! Right sir?

Yes but so what? When I feel happy that is a feeling too.

Yes, so when you are thinking about how they are controlling you, how do you feel?

Okay, you and I both know that! I feel good and bad, so does everybody else. But knowing that doesn’t help me one bit getting them off my back.

Okay so what are you doing not to get them off your back?

Coming here to see you and walking out of church and when I feel sexual and want to screw my wife saying that!

And is that getting her in bed and having her?

No, it’s not! She tells me I’m too sexual and because I want it once a week. Her and the minister say that I shouldn’t want sex and that suffering is good for me will make me a better person.

Yes sir that is one of our favorite conditionings.

What is?

One way to control people’s minds religiously is to have them think that suffering brings them to a spiritual understanding or some reward for suffering.

I see that happening in my life, and my wife sure believes that.

I know sir. One way of keeping the world in poverty is to have them conform to the belief that their poverty is a path to God or is holy or something. They do the same in the Catholic church and many other churches to deny yourself sex or things, vows of this and that. It is all a bunch of garbage sir. Love doesn’t flower in conformity or denial or ritual. Love isn’t tied to anything. Love is love. It is relationship in freedom.

That is cool! Relationship in freedom. I have never heard that before!

No sir! That is why love has no chains or bounds.

I feel very chained.

Yes sir! You are!

Is it possible to cut those chains? I don’t know how!

Sir, if you see the importance you give to sex and how you are caught by it, how self-centered you are in it and the demand, the rejection and the withholding and the control of it, then it loses its hold!

But what do I do with all this pressure from my parents and family, even my friends?

Pressure for what sir?

To go to church, prayer groups and all that. It is bullshit.

Sir! If you are reacting to the control of it and people trying to control you then it will never fall away and only build your anger.

Well I sure am angry!

Is not the indication of anger your self-centered imposing on another and them not doing what or getting what you want from the other?

So you are saying I am angry and doing the same back to them the same way they are doing it to me.

Yes sir, that can be seen!

I think that is what’s happening!

All over the world it is happening and very few people are interested in all this. It is destroying human relationship and our relationship to the earth.

I feel so much better. I am sorry for giving you such a hard time.

You didn’t sir. You were hard on yourself!

So what do I do with my wife then?

Seek to understand her sir! Then demand nothing!

That’s how it used to be! Before we were married.

Yes sir marriage is about a union, not a disconnect!

I think you’re right!

No sir you see the truth of that!

Thank you

You’re welcome.

Coach bri

It was a hot morning and the wind was filled with the promise of rain. The fields were saturated and small puddles were everywhere. The ground couldn’t hold any more moisture. The leaves on the trees were so green from the many cleansing rains. The birds were feasting on the plentiful bugs coming out of the woods. The whole earth seemed to be in abundance. A large ant hill was a busy construction site as the ants prepared for the coming rain.

He pulled up in a mid-size truck. His walk was strong and his gate quick. He greeted me.

Sorry I’m late. It is nice to see you again.

Nice to see you too. How have you been?

I have been holding my own I guess!

So what is ‘holding your own’?

I’m holding it together I guess. My life is basically a mess. I have blown a relationship with my wife. I tried to control her, as you put it, with my mental illness, which didn’t work. And I lost my job since the last time we met and I stormed out of here. So things have gone from bad to worse, as you said they would. I went to my shrink and he did what you said, almost word for word. He needed to change my medication, adjust it a bit, so they can get it right. I told him what you said about behavior and I was choosing my behavior. He laughed and asked why anyone would choose to depress. So I told him because I can’t get what I want. Then he got pissed at me and said he was the psychiatrist.

Wow. Did you get your anger out on him?

Yes I felt good when I left the office and he was pissed.

Well you got a rise out of him? He bought into your external control. And because he did you felt powerful and it is better than feeling hurt.

Okay, so we are back on that stuff again!

You phoned and asked to see me. I’m not looking for you.

I just had to see you because I felt you really listened, and you didn’t, you know……..

Buy into your controlling me!

Yes. Do you have to be so god damn blunt all the fucking time?

Are you going to spend the rest of the session trying to get a rise out of me?

So what if I am? I pay you. What’s it to you?

It means you are not going to get the help you need. You’re just going to carry on doing what you have always done. So if you want to waste your money that’s up to you! But I decide who I see and who I don’t.

You’re a real prick you know, a self centered arrogant prick! You don’t have any idea of what I am going through. I have lost my wife, my house, my kids, now my job.

So do you want to understand why you lost them? Or do you want to keep blaming a chemical imbalance?

Fuck you! What the fuck do you know anyway!

I see you’re in pain and it hurts and I think your life isn’t over. You can learn and have a better life if you choose to.

I am not choosing this shit in my life.

No you’re choosing how you deal with the shit in your life. I think people can change and make a better choice and have a better life.

Why? What’s the point? Everything is so fucked up anyway.

You’re right it is. So tell me how choosing to be crazy is the best thing you can do.

Because I’m not as miserable as I was.

I agree with that. You’re less miserable but your still miserable. Most people who choose to be crazy are very lonely, dependent people.

I not depending on anyone for my life ever again – they have all let me down.

I sure you think that way! But now what are you dependent on?

Nothing I told you, never again!

Well how about drugs? Are you depending on them? For your life?

You fucking bastard!!! I have mental illness in my family. My uncle, my dad, my cousin – they had a mental illness. So it’s in our family.

That may be true. That is what happens in many families where people can’t get or stay close to the people they want too.

What so they choose to go crazy. ? I think you’re fucking crazy.

I’m sure you do! You have a list of people telling you that you not responsible for – your marriage and loss of job and more importantly, your choice to depress.

Well if my uncle and people in my family were depressed that’s a point for it being genetic. So they got that gene.

Yes that’s a convenient way to think.

Well I’m living in that convenient way to think. And it suits me fine.

That’s great. Then why are you here?

Basically, to straighten you out about my mental illness.

Okay, so if you straighten me out about it, how would that look?

You would show some compassion for me. Instead of being an insensitive asshole!

So let me get this right. You came to see me because someone said I would help you. You came to see me, left angry because I did buy into your diagnosis. Now you are back here telling me you have come back to straighten me out.

Yes, because you are lost and don’t know a thing about depression or mental illness.

So as you are here straightening me out, being angry and chewing me out, how do you feel?

A lot better!

Why do you think that is?

Because you are listening to me and I think I am changing your mind.

I still believe you are choosing your behavior and you’re not changing my mind. As a matter of fact, you are convincing me more that you are healthier than you are letting on.

Why do you say that?

Well when you are focusing your attention on me, you feel better!

Yes but I’m still feeling depressed.

Not when you are angering at me your not.

What kind of counselor says that, “angering”? I’m not fucking angering. I’m angry at you, because you’re such a useless fucking counselor.

Yes and one you can’t control. How many other people in your life do you try to control?

Fuck you! I don’t have to answer your questions!

You’re right, you don’t and that’s your choice.

I’m angry all the fucking time okay? I fucking hate my parents, they’re dead but I hate them, and I hate my boss at work and I hate my fucking wife and my fucking kids for being with my fucking wife, I hate my fucking shrink and fucking hate you too.

Well that’s sad, how do you feel about yourself?

Another fucking dumb question!

Yes I know, I ask a lot of dumb question, but I’m interested! Interested in you and how you feel about you!

Fuck this is a waste of fucking time. You are never going to get my illness, you’re too fucking stupid.

True, but how do you feel about yourself?

You just want me to say I hate myself too, right? That’s what you want me to say.

I want you to tell me the truth, what do you feel about you?

I love myself Doctor fucking Freud, alright?

Great. Tell me the truth then about what you love about yourself. I never met a person I haven’t grown to love that I have worked with. You may be the first but I want to like you.

FUCK OFF! I know exactly what you’re trying to do!

What’s that?

Try to be my fucking friend!

How many friend in your life do you have?

FUCK OFF!

I thought you’d say that!

You a fucking mind reader now?

No I don’t have to be a mind reader to predict what you are going to do. It’s pretty clear!

What’s that?

Well when you leave here you will beat yourself up for not giving your self a chance!

At this point there was a strong stillness in the room and everything seemed to be in a deep silence. Then tears began to flow and the man fell off his chair onto his knees. There was a deep wrenching agony or cry and the words, muffled by tears, cried out, “Sorry sorry sorry, please help me – sorry”. I asked for his permission to touch him. All he could do was nod his head. I slowly rubbed his back until he was able to sit back up in the chair.

I haven’t cried like that in years!

Yes sir. How do you feel?

A lot better, like a load has been lifted.

Yes sir, it has

Can I come again!

Of course

I’m sorry for….

There is no need sir! First we think something, then we believe it to be true. In order to be free of the burden of the past we must let go of the present. Only then in freedom can we perceive the false. We can’t self evaluate sir if we are not willing to let go of our prejudice.

I don’t know what happened but I have opened something.

Yes sir, in every death there is an opening.

Coach bri