CoachBri’s Blog

He was 17 and no one was going to tell him how to live his life. He was clean and well dressed in the latest styles. His hair was groomed and hands were rough and banged up.

He started off the session:

I am here because my mother said I had to come and see you. But I think she is the one that needs the help.

You are probably right sir. Most parents who force their children to do anything are sowing their own seeds of misery.

I think she means well but she’s always on my case about something.

So how did you get bribed into coming and seeing me?

I didn’t. I said I would do it if she got off my ass about shit!

Okay, so now you’re here and if you like I will tell her you came and you’re off the hook. I don’t see anyone who is forced to see me unless the court orders it.

So I can go?

Yes.

And you will tell her I came and spoke with you.

Well you did and you are so I’m not going to keep you here resenting that you’re here, to keep your mother happy.  You’re a grown man and I don’t want to tell you that you need help when you think you don’t.

But I might need a little help!

How do you know that? You seem like a bright kid. You present like things are going well for you. Your not in any kind of trouble are you with the law or school?

No!

I didn’t think so!

You probably have a girlfriend and you know how to have safe sex so I doubt there are any problems there either.

No problems there!

Okay so you haven’t thought of hurting yourself in any way have you? Or killing yourself?

Maybe.

Maybe? Can you tell me about maybe?

It’s hard! I’m not sure how or why.

Yes you’re right – this kind of conversation is difficult!

No! Not the conversation! The words to express what I feel!

How do you feel?

Just empty, nothing seems to have any meaning!

Yes, life can be that way sometimes! How long have you felt this way?

I would say for about eighteen months now!

What happened eighteen months ago that you’re finding hard to talk about?

By this time there were tears flowing from his eyes. His big eyelashes seemed to hold a lot of tears and as he blinked on occasion, drops would flicker off his lashes and on to the floor.

Why is it that nothing seems important to me? School is full of stuff that I won’t even use or need in my life and people are mean.

So who is mean to you?

Not me really, I get along fine! People like me because – all kinds of reasons – because I fit their mold. So they’re comfortable with me.

Okay, so no one is mean to you! Are you mean to yourself?

What do you mean by that?

Do you like yourself, the person you are?

What person am I? I don’t even know that?

Know what?

The person I am.

Do you know who you are?

Yes, in a way!

Yeah, what way?

I guess the same way you are.

Which is what?

Oh shit man! Which guy do you want to see?

I like the guy in front of me right now! He is intense and he is questioning, and he’s sad…

I’m more than that.

Like what?

I’m all self-concerned. It’s me! Me! Me! Fucking me, that’s all I care about!

Okay, so good, thank God!

What the hell? Thank God for what?

I thought I was the only one feeling like that, but now I know there is at least two of us!

Shit man, I am all over the place! I am greedy to a fault , angry to a fault, jealous to a fault!!! And horny all day! And I just want to jerk off to porn and play video games all fucking day and just tell the world to fuckoff!!!

Well except for the horny all day stuff I’m with you. Although when my wife around sex still comes to my mind.

I’m not fooling around here! This is real stuff!!

Yes and I see that you mean it! But I still don’t feel any different than you!

Well what am I doing here then!

Maybe you’re making friends?

You’re too old to be my friend anyway!

Well that’s up to you! But how many friends do you have right now?

Lots!!

That you can say all that you said to me?

None!

So we are friends then!

Okay, but you get paid

Yes I do.

Maybe I could end up helping crazies too.

Well my friend, you are far from crazy!

I feel crazy!

People who choose to be crazy don’t know they are. And definitely don’t talk about problems in the sane way you do.

How do you know that?

Those marks on your hands are from hitting walls?

Hey, how did you know?

Because you’re not crazy. You’re angry and when you’re as angry as you, sometimes people choose to do angry things like punch walls!

I don’t want to but I can’t help it!

Well, did you get any more angry than you were today with me?

No, that’s about it, but I wanted to punch the wall!!!

Yes, you wanted to but you made a better choice and you didn’t!

Well why do I feel this way?

Because a lot of what you say is true and you haven’t figured out how to satisfy yourself in a more useful way.

I think I better find some better ways!

See crazy people don’t say that. People who are choosing to crazy don’t self evaluate like you just did.

Maybe my mom was right about seeing you.

Okay. What would you like to do about that?

Eat crow I guess!

Hey eating crow is part of life sometime.

Yeah! I do feel better but shocked.

About what?

The things I said. It just spilled out. I ‘m sorry.

No problem. It happens all the time in here.

I think I should come back.

Okay. Next week?

Sure. Thanks.

Coachbri

I had to contact you after reading something you sent to a group of people. I know this person is your relation. But I don’t want to discuss her as she has been a help to me.

That’s good; I don’t want to discuss personalities, as it’s a waste of time and energy. How can I help?

That I’m not sure! Just your words really anger me. I felt so angry after I read them and yet when I asked my spouse about what you wrote they made an interesting remark.  Then we got into a major argument. My spouse also claims this is why they never attend things in the same spirit that I do and then I was called a gullible person, which only made thing go from bad to worse. I don’t see myself as a gullible person and I have an open mind. But what you wrote I hated you for and then I realized, as my spouse put it, why can’t I let this thing go?

So what was your answer?

I don’t know. I have tried to figure this out but I brought what you wrote and I would like you to read it, so I can get a better idea of what you meant.

I will read it if you like but I can tell you about it if you like. We are all caught in our own delusions thinking that when we are, they are not delusions.

I know. Please read it.

Okay.
Meditation is the ending of one’s daily disorder. It is choiceless and cannot be something that is practiced. Willful mindfulness is for people caught in the web of mind tricks, meeting their own self-centered activity. Any willful meditation is not meditation at all because any method to become aware or mindful is created by thought, or the process of thinking, in order to get out of the trap or limitation of ego or self.

Meditation is love in action and not an escape from one’s fast-paced life. To see how inattentive one is to their anger, hurt, jealously, or quest for power or insecurity as it moves is the beginning of meditation and the unfolding of the religious mind. Self can practice all kinds of traditions, rituals or disciplines but they are all movements of ego to get out of ego. How can the ego with all the problems it causes in relationship also be the thing that brings ego to its death so that real relationship is authentic?

Meditation is perceiving one’s lack of authenticity and the lies that self is and projects in all its multiple identifications. Ego-self can identify with the letters after one’s name, or the amount of money in the bank, or a vow of poverty. Ego is the making of meaning to justify the experiences one has chosen and is often giving itself mystical qualities because it can’t face its limitations and petty superficial existence.

Self cannot practice meditation. They do not belong on the same axis because love and hate are not related to each other and are not opposites. Meditation and love come from the same root. Self and practice, be it yoga or any method to become something spiritual, is like a dog wagging its own tail. To really feel love and compassion is to see one’s un-lovingness and violence to another. For a virtuous person can never recognize their own virtue, if they did it would be an egoism.

Meditation is not mindfulness. Meditation is a mind empty of all the identifications with the things thinking has invented. When a mind is serious and sets aside all its identifications and playing games to cover up its loneliness and endless chatter, it can go beyond itself. The going beyond is not something thought or self can touch. That is the truly religious spirit and it is not tied to any religion or method created by self.

Well, that is what I thought is would be! It is very questioning the way you read it however. Something is more offensive about it or something…

Can I say you find it radical?

Yes, that’s it.

Yet you want comfort, right? And it offers none.

Yes! Maybe. It doesn’t feel good.  But why do I feel so angry!

Are you angry or disturbed like you have been called out?

Well my spouse said the truth hurts, which really upset me.

Is that why you’re here?

No, it’s because I am a meditator and do it several times a week and now I feel like you have killed it for me.

Killed what?

I get a lot out of it I feel.

Great. Like what?

It makes me feel peaceful!

Did it help you with the fight with your spouse?

No, because I couldn’t get into it!

Yes, which means what?

That all I was thinking was about our fight and how I am not listened to and judged.

Yes! And is that not a judgment of your spouse?

Yes I guess it is!

Can I speak personally of a minute?

Sure!

I have practiced all kinds of meditation. I lived in a few ashrams and practiced yoga till I could tie myself in knots. I lived in California, got involved in all kinds of healing practices from Bach flower remedies, crystals and tarot cards, and even took a course to develop strengthening my mental and spiritual power so I could contact the dead and be a psychic. I went and ate the macrobiotic way until a good friend of mine told my something Jesus said: It is not what you put in your mouth that defiles you but what comes out.  And what I have learned is that I can deceive and be deceived when I want something. The mind is always acting out of its insecurity, trying to create realities to support its beliefs. All beliefs, whatever they are, are created by thought and thought is an ego-self-centered activity and has nothing whatsoever to do with anything spiritual.

I resent what you’re saying

Yes I know! Shoot the messenger, right!?

Maybe! But what if you’re wrong?

Wrong about what?

Spiritual practices!

You practice meditation right?

Yes and yoga too!

Yes and how has it helped your life?

It has made me a lot more peaceful and I appreciate more. I am thankful more.

Do you have many friends?

Yes lots.

As you age and they age, are they more peaceful and appreciative than you?

No, I would say some are, some aren’t.

The ones that are, do they practice yoga and meditation like you?

Some are and some aren’t I guess.

So the ones that don’t practice, how do you explain them being more peaceful and appreciative as you?

They found their thing to do!

You mean their method, right?

Yes, I see what you’re saying!

Now who picks the method? Or the help etcetera?

I guess the person seeking a method or help!

Right! So choose the help that suits us the most?

Okay. What’s wrong with that?

Nothing, but what is the purpose of the method you choose?

To make me a better person, more peaceful, more giving.

Yes, better than what you are now. You practice to become something better.

Yes, I don’t have a problem with that.

Of course you don’t, until someone comes around and say it is an illusion.

How do they know that?

Does your meditation bring an end to the conflict between you and your spouse?

No not right now!  The day before.
So with your spouse, your children, your in-laws, are you conflict free?

No!

And are you?

What I am or not has no bearing on your life! If I was or was not it won’t help you.

Why not?

Because your mind wants to find out if my way works and if it doesn’t you will say why should I listen to him? And if you think I am free of conflict you will try it and see if it works for you, which is still becoming something, right?

So what’s wrong with that!

Your ego-self is looking for a system, a method, which I can teach to you. Then you become attached to a system, which means pain.

I see what you’re saying and I just want to smash you. You’re a real ass!

Yes I am! I offer nothing. Any system, any willful meditation, rituals, and traditions, are all the invention of thought and therefore caught in time and bound by thought and are limited.

I feel so sad!

Yes we are! Filled with sorrow because we have filled our hearts with the things thinking has made. You see, everything is moving in the direction of people trying to practice something.  That practice is the movement of thinking trying to get out of thinking. We need to see that any movement out of thinking is still thinking trying to find another dimension. This movement must come to an end to be beyond thought, which is a truly religious mind.

I feel the truth of what you say and sitting here with you has some effect on me. Like some silence is speaking through you.

Okay, see how you’re doing it again! You want it to be about me, as if I am special or have some gift or some bullshit like that!

Well look what is happening! My emotions are all over the place. If I wasn’t sitting here with you this wouldn’t be happening.

Look, you are here and you have chosen to talk and you’re nice enough to listen. Your kindness is in spite of anything you have done. You have been willing to look at the illusion you are caught in.

Illusion? What illusions?

Can you see the truth of what is being said?

Yes I guess I can!

Can you see you want that to be about me?

Yes.

The fact is you decided to look into you owns delusion and illusions around meditation. Because of that you have set aside or emptied some of your content of your ego-self. The end of illusion is the function of meditation. Now can you in your daily life have discussion with people to see all of your illusions and delusions and face them and realize you can do nothing about them? This means not trying to change or judge them. Just watch them. In that watching is the true flowering of meditation. It is the highest form of art and most difficult to live into. It means seeing your selfishness with your spouse, your children, your job, your neighbor, everywhere, and end it.

It seems almost impossible!

Yes, but better than living in some illusion about myself and my fabricated gifts so I can impose my ignorance on others and make a living or ego life from them.

You’re too much! I want to thank you. I will read your blog!

Please remember how you feel right now!

I feel good. It was helpful I owe my spouse an apology.

You feel good because you questioned. That has nothing to do with me and all to do with you.

Yes I see that but you seem like an authority.
We only want and make authorities when we our confused.

That is a topic in itself.

Yes, some other time perhaps!

Yes thanks.

You’re welcome.

 

Coachbri

The car pulled into the driveway and he sat in his car for several minutes because he was late for his appointment. I decided to open the door and give him the whistle to which he did not respond. So I returned to the study and waited for him. After another 45 minutes or so there was a knock at the door. When I opened the door I was confronted with a man in his mid-fifties, well-dressed but not clean shaven. He avoided all eye contact and his chin was lowered as he softly spoke. “Are you Brian the counselor guy?” I replied that I was and asked him to come on in. He soon began to move slowly and methodically as if he was in a great amount of pain. I went into the study and waited for him there. He remained standing in the hall for quite some time so I went out and asked if he was coming into his session. He seemed very disconnected and spaced, out a sign that he was on some type of psychotropic medication. He moved to the large couch and sat down as if he was sitting on something that was extremely painful. He maintained the same facial expression of anguish so I welcomed him and introduced myself.

So now that we got introductions out of the way, how can I help you?

While I don’t know really but I think my life is not going so well.

So what’s not going so well in your life?

I don’t know! I think I have some idea but I’m not sure?

Well let’s start from what you think you know. Can you tell me about that?

I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist but I don’t think it’s helping very much. My wife is living at her sister’s, and her sister saw you for some marriage counseling so she recommended you. Between the medication I’m on, the psychiatrist, and the fact that my wife is no longer interested in our marriage, I don’t think talking to another person is going to help.

Okay I understand but what happens if by talking to me it is helpful?

I’ll continue to come I guess.

Well that’s great. If I’m going to help you I need a little time but I do appreciate you saying you don’t want to waste any time because you’re already seeing a psychiatrist. When you see the psychiatrist, how much time do you spend actually getting some counseling from him?

Well it’s a her and I’d say about 15 to 20 minutes, sometimes a little more if she wants to change the dose or talk about other possible medications. The problem she sees is I’m depressed because I can’t deal with the fact that my wife left me.

I can see that you are depressing, but you also seem to be in a significant amount of physical pain as well. Is this true?

Yes.

Have you ever had this kind of pain before physically?

Yes.

When was that?

When I lost my job back in the late 80s.

So you’re in a significant amount of pain right now, the last time you felt this was when you lost your job late 80s and do you think you were depressing then as well, when you lost your job?

While I think I was depressed after I lost my job!

What happened between you and your wife that she left you?

She found out I was having an affair with a woman from work!

So how would you describe your relationship with your wife before the affair?

We have a very good relationship. We got along great, until she found out.

That is pretty interesting because if your relationship was very good and you are getting along great what is the need for the affair?

That’s what I can’t figure out because my wife and I are very compatible – we get along well, we have our differences, but we’re able to work things out.

What were the differences you are able to work out?

At this point the client gave out a huge ahhhh sound and he began to shuffle his feet and tap the sides of his thighs with his hands in a angry fashion.

I don’t think this is going to help me very much!

Do you think anything’s going to help you unless you talk about what’s really bothering you? You seem very angry when I wanted you to point out the differences you have solved with your wife.

My wife is a good person she didn’t deserve me having an affair on her so it’s my fault I know. I deserve it but it still hurts.

I know it hurts and I can see you in great pain but if you don’t talk about what’s behind that hurt how do you see getting through your life in the next week or so.

Well I don’t!

Have you thought of killing yourself?

Yes! And I’ll tell you more: I know exactly how to do it where do it. I’m just afraid of what would happen to the kids, knowing their father is such a fuck up!

I’m glad to hear you say that!

And why is that?

How long you been living with this situation?

A couple of months now.

And it sounds like you thought this thing out but something is preventing you from doing it! Whatever it is I’m glad for that reason because it gives me a chance to help you and like you, protect your kids from an awful situation.

Yeah I guess you’re right.

So I need you to  gimme some time here! And I also want to know this: has you wanting to kill yourself increased since you’ve been on medication?

Well I don’t know. I have to think about that.

Well I need you to think about that right now! Because I’m questioning whether this medication is helping you or not. Can you tell me what it’s doing for you?

Well I just don’t feel the pain as much. I can just feel … kind of numb I guess.

Before the medication, what were you doing?

I was crying a lot, like blubbering idiot, I can’t be like that all the time, I never cried so much in my life.

Hey you have good reason to cry. You messed up with your wife, you hurt her badly, and you may have had good reason to have an affair!

What would be a good reason for having an affair? I blew it!

I agree with you but people don’t have affairs who are in loving, caring, and supportive relationships where their needs are met. I asked you a question earlier and it was a difficult question for you. I asked you what difficulties have you and your wife worked out in and you got a little antsy.

Well, about a year ago now … it’s longer than that almost two years ago, I lost interest in her sexually. I guess it just wasn’t very good. And there was this woman I work with that is very attractive, few years younger than me and I was fantasizing about her.

So did you work this problem out with your wife?

No, I guess we couldn’t work out this problem, I tried though, believe me I tried.

It sounds like you’ve been trying for quite a while, maybe longer than a year and a half?

Well isn’t it the main issue in most marital relationships sex, money, power, control?

So exactly how long has this been going on in your relationship?

Alright, for a long time! I tried talking to her but she wouldn’t listen. So I just stayed  away for her, golfing, hanging out with the boys. Every time we were together she would always be telling me what to do and how to do it and I got goddam fed up with that.

So you see how involved this is. It sounds like you both been unhappy for quite some time.

Yes, yes I think you’re right.

Well it’s all water under the bridge now. What’s happened happened and you can’t go back and fix it.

At this point the client put both hands against his knees and began raising his voice and gesturing  abruptly.

I’m not stupid you know! I know I can’t go back and fix it! And knowing that doesn’t help me now and it  sure doesn’t make things any less painful!

You know years ago you lost your job and I imagine you were depressing then too. How long did you stay depressing?

Well that’s a peculiar way of putting it!

Yes I know. Can you answer my question?

I don’t know a couple weeks maybe!

Then what happened?

Well I have bills to pay, my kids were younger, I had to go out and find another job, I had to drag my ass out of bed each morning and it was horrible.

And your body was aching!

Every joint in my body. I even started to take Advil for the pain.

So when did the pain stop?

I don’t know! It was years ago!

Well think back for a minute. What time of year was it?

Just after Christmas.

Wow, that sucks. Must’ve been pretty hard?

Yes. Christmas debt!

Do you play any sports?

I do remember something. My body was so sore I stopped playing broomball!

Okay so when did you start playing again?

About a week after I got my new job!

So this is what I hear you saying: you lost your job, you were depressing, plus your were in such pain that you couldn’t even play the sport you love which is broomball. You ended up quitting the sport but a couple weeks after you get a new job the pain disappears and life goes back to somewhat normal!

Yeah, so?

So what does that tell you?

I guess the fact that I was depressed because I lost my job, my body was aching, I got a new job and I stopped be so so depressed because I didn’t have time to depress because I need money for my family?! Wait I see what you’re getting at but I don’t see how this relates to me now.

Well you’re going through a very significant loss, you and your wife are separated. That’s painful, your depressing, your body’s aching … I think it’s pretty similar.

I agree but how does that help me with anything?

Well is your body aching right now?

No it’s not. It feels pretty good actually!

So what are you doing now that you weren’t doing before you came in the room?

I guess talking about things.

And when you’re talking about it do you think you’re depressing as much?

No I don’t think I am.

Well that’s my point.

So you think I’m depressing on purpose and I’m causing my body to ache?

Look: you have good reason to be depressed, you have good reason for your body to ache. And I also think you have some pretty solid reasons not to kill yourself. You think it’s over between you and your wife?

I don’t know!

Do you remember earlier on in the session when I asked you to tell me what were the difficulties you and your wife were working through and you got angry at me?

Yes I’m sorry about that.

You don’t have to be sorry. I don’t think you can control me with your anger but have you been controlling your wife with your anger?

I think that’s a good question.

Well if it’s a good question would you mind answering it for me.

Bastard! So you’re making it my fault?!

I’m simply asking you a question. Do you think you attempt to control your wife with your anger?

I heard you. I’m not deaf! Well, my wife tells me and has said to me for sometime that I have an anger problem.

Do you think you do?

Well isn’t it obvious asshole! Do you have to ask so many goddam questions?

Hey, I know you’re upset right now but do you think your depressing is another way to try to get control back from your wife?

So you’re telling me that I’m not really depressed, that I’m just doing this to get my wife back?!

No, I’m saying I think your depressing and part of your depression is to cover up how angry you are and since you’ve been on this medication you don’t feel as effective in your life because you can’t see it getting any better. It’s not getting any worse. She’s still living at her sister’s and obviously she wants you to get some help and she still cares about. And if you give me a little bit of time with you,  go see your doctor, get off the meds and come to counseling, we might be able to put your marriage back together. I can’t make any guarantees but you seem to want her back.

I do want back!

Well I can’t guarantee it but if you continue to come and see me maybe we can map out a plan together that would spark the interest of your wife and give you another chance. Now I haven’t spoken to your wife, I don’t know what she’s thinking, but do you think what you’re doing right now, with this situation in your life, is bringing you closer to her or farther away ?

Farther away.

So the ball’s in your court! You can’t control your wife, you can only control you and if you give me a chance I can teach you some internal psychology that may improve the quality of your relationship with your wife.

Okay I’m game. Nothing else seems to be working

Okay then our session is over for the day. When is the next time you can come and see me?

How about two days?

Okay that means Sunday. Wonderful. See you Sunday.

coachbri

The breeze was warm and had the promise of another shower. The grass was very wet and the roadside had many puddles but the road itself had all its moisture taken by the warm breeze. Soon there was another shower that only lasted a few minutes and again the wind would work its magic and pick up the moisture and re-dump it somewhere downwind. This cycle seemed to be endless: the exchange of energy between the air and water.

Anger too seems to have the same cycle.  There is first the hurt of an image put together by thought and the emotional content of those thoughts and the release of energy, outwardly.  That eventually dissipates only to give rise to a new image and expectation and the cycle begins again when that images is again offended. The behavior of anger always creates a distance from the one who releases their anger and the one they let it out on. Eventually the distance between the two becomes so wide all relationship is destroyed and what was once the spark of love gives way to the spark of avoidance and contempt.

Only in the holding of anger can it be observed without restraint and end. It needs to be seen in the same way as one watches or tracks the movement of a deadly animal as you come across its path. The ending of anger is the freedom from the known, which is the cause of all psychological problems. Anger is anger and nothing can be done about or with it. To see its movement is the factor that allows it to run its course and die. Any interference by thought condemning or justifying it is to resist the lesson it offers.  Human beings have used anger forever as a means to an end, rendering them helpless in their Neanderthal conditioning.   To perceive anger fully is to save the energy of anger, which is the process of its own transformation.

Coach Bri

I was thinking about what you have said at Friday night group, and I had a flash of what I think may be that order you were talking about. What I saw was that I have been raised in a so-called religious home. But when I think of all the external control applied by my parents I feel that the level of criticism that I received and now practice on my family is what you say is my disorder. I think I see this. My son acts out of his disorder and I add to it. Do I have this correct?

What is the disorder you practice on your son?

Well, it is the same as I practiced on my husband! That anger and frustration!

Yes but are you not the anger and frustration, which is the fact of your disorder?

Yes, so what do I do now? Practice internal psychology, right?

So what do you do in your anger and frustration?

As you have said a thousand times, I choose a behavior that kills the relationships so I am caught in the thinking mode and I have to act it out on someone.

Can you see that choosing a predisposed position is one action that again reinforces the thinking process and external psychology?

I don’t follow that! Do you mean that practicing an internal psychology is also part of disorder?

No, I don’t think you can willfully practice an internal psychology.

I don’t understand. Can you make it clearer?

One must come to terms with something!

And that something is?

Your brain, my brain, is caught in a web called consciousness. It is made up of a self and every person has a self. Self is a product of memory, which is caught in time because self is a product of experience.

Ok I get that! Self is a group of experiences that I gather in the brain as memory. But I have a sense that I have aged and am wiser now than I was 10 years ago!

Yes but you’re not!

How do you know that?

You just have more knowledge about your self but you are still caught in your animal instincts and sustain them by using thought.

Okay I am more sustaining now than I was when I was 20.

Yes, true, but that is proof your not wiser!

I don’t get this then!!

Yes I know! Look at it! Or don’t look – the choice is yours.

No I want to look at it! It is just you piss me off so much.

Yes I know!

See! So you’re doing it on purpose!

No! You are angry now with me, right? Or your son or husband right?

Yes! Yes!

Who is it that is angry?

My self at your self!

So is your self different from your anger?

Yes, there is anger then there is me, my self acting out the anger!

What if you is anger!

Me is anger? I don’t get that.

You see, external control psychology has built the self out of memory. Self is a bundle of memory stored in the brain called self.

Okay, I see that and I guess it sounds right!

This sense of self is formed from the outside!
If I asked you, who you are, you would say what?

That I am me!

And who is you!

I would say I am a Canadian, a mother, a wife!

Yes and where did you learn that?

I guess from my parents!

Yes, but partly from your environment or society.

Okay!

And that is external from you!

What do you mean by that, “external from you”?

Well, you were conditioned to think you are Canadian.

I am a Canadian!

Yes, when you accept who you are governed by the external thinking. If you were born in the same place 500 years ago, would you still be a Canadian?

Of course I would!

Canada didn’t exist as Canada 500 years ago. The land did but not the conditioning called Canada.

Yes, I see what you’re driving at! How about my beliefs?

They are all put in you then you modify them to suit your experience.

Yes, but I have a belief about the universal energy and reincarnation! That is real!

Real yes, but untrue.

What do you mean? It is true to me. I live by it!

Yes each person lives according to his own belief! But why? Why is believing so important to us? To you or any human being?

Because it gives life meaning?

Okay, how? It only gives you a sense of false security!

Look I believe what I believe and I have the … damn…

Right to! And that right gives one a sense of security, no?

And what is wrong with feeling secure?

Well isn’t the demand for security a sign of insecurity!

Okay I think I see that?

Think you see that? Isn’t every problem you have with your husband and son you looking for security and if they only did what you said, lived how you want them to, there would be no conflict?

Yes okay, I see it! I see it! I get it!

What is it you get?

When I have problems with them we are in conflict and I see I’m the source of that conflict. I get that when my belief is there for them my self is there. The feeling of anger and frustration is the self, which is me in action.

Yes, now what can you do about that?

I don’t know? My life is this!

Yes it is! Now can I see that trying to change in any way is to avoid my inner ugliness and the fact that me, anger, frustration is all one clump of self or ego. So if I try to do anything to self, to change, is the wrong approach. This is self judging self, trying to get out of self, which strengthens self!

You know I think I do that! Strange as it is! That is my life.

Okay, so see the fact and remain with the fact that the self-centered movement is one movement. Fear is self, hurt is self etc. You can’t do anything about it. If you do you are creating more conflict. If you are willing to end all conflict, self and its beliefs no longer fuel external psychology and one comes upon a deep movement not the product of the self. That movement brings order and that order is a new beginning.

I have lots to think about! Thank you!!!

You’re welcome.

Coach bri

It was a warm spring afternoon. The air held the chill of the dying winter. The sun’s warmth could be felt best in the places of seclusion from the cool air. He was a tall, handsome and dressed to perfection. He held eye contact as if not to miss a thing. He was clear about paying for his time and he hoped that we would not be interrupted. He didn’t want me to answer the phone if it rang.

Okay sir that would be fine. Now how can I help?

I’m not really here for help as in counseling. I just wanted to bounce something off you. My friend Larry told me that he often comes to see you and you seem to enable him to look at things differently.

Okay sir. Where do you want to begin?

Well first I have to check you out a little, before I decide to let you in on my ideas.

So what would you like to know?

Are you a religious person?

What do you mean by that?

I don’t want to have a debate and you pour out your religious beliefs on me. I am sick of that. My wife does it to me, my parents, even some of my friends.

Okay sir, so we are here again. What would like to bounce off me?

Why do I feel so shitty about my life? Life seems to be sad to me. Everyone gives me opinions and I don’t think they are really their opinions.

Yes sir they probably aren’t. Very few people think for themselves.

That is what I believe. My wife throws the bible at me and repeats some quote. I get the same thing from my parents. And people from my church. The other day I just couldn’t take it anymore and I walked out and walked home. When I got home my wife ask me where I went and I told her I had to get out of that place. I told her I thought the whole thing was basically lies. I don’t believe it and I can’t go anymore.

What did she say sir?

She cried and told me it was the devil. And I better be careful. She called the pastor. And he came over that afternoon. And it was horrible.

What was horrible?

I don’t know. He asked me questions and I answered and he kept holding up his bible as if it would deflect my responses.

Yes sir, the whole thing is so ugly.

Yes that is a good way to describe it. Ugly. Another thing I think is I am a realist. I can no longer tolerate all this meaningless discussion about God! I don’t even think there is one. I am sick of people saying stuff like if a good thing happens to them, well thank the lord looking after us. Or God blessing us. So god is punishing all those who have trouble or when things go wrong in their life? I don’t hear them say God is punishing me for something I did. Are the hungry in the world the wrath of God? It is all such bullshit. If I want to have sex with my wife and want to go down on her that can’t be a sin! So who do I believe, I am so tired of living by everyone else’s standards!

So what do you want?

I want to know why I feel so unhappy!

Feeling unhappy is a sign of something much deeper, is it not sir?

Like what? If people would just leave me alone and not try to run their belief system down my throat and if my wife would just accept me for the person I am and not what she wants me to be. And if my parents would just get over their son not being religious. Then my life would be great!

Can you control any of them?

No and I don’t want too. I wish I could just get them to leave me alone and not try to control me.

Sir when we are unhappy it is a feeling! Right sir?

Yes but so what? When I feel happy that is a feeling too.

Yes, so when you are thinking about how they are controlling you, how do you feel?

Okay, you and I both know that! I feel good and bad, so does everybody else. But knowing that doesn’t help me one bit getting them off my back.

Okay so what are you doing not to get them off your back?

Coming here to see you and walking out of church and when I feel sexual and want to screw my wife saying that!

And is that getting her in bed and having her?

No, it’s not! She tells me I’m too sexual and because I want it once a week. Her and the minister say that I shouldn’t want sex and that suffering is good for me will make me a better person.

Yes sir that is one of our favorite conditionings.

What is?

One way to control people’s minds religiously is to have them think that suffering brings them to a spiritual understanding or some reward for suffering.

I see that happening in my life, and my wife sure believes that.

I know sir. One way of keeping the world in poverty is to have them conform to the belief that their poverty is a path to God or is holy or something. They do the same in the Catholic church and many other churches to deny yourself sex or things, vows of this and that. It is all a bunch of garbage sir. Love doesn’t flower in conformity or denial or ritual. Love isn’t tied to anything. Love is love. It is relationship in freedom.

That is cool! Relationship in freedom. I have never heard that before!

No sir! That is why love has no chains or bounds.

I feel very chained.

Yes sir! You are!

Is it possible to cut those chains? I don’t know how!

Sir, if you see the importance you give to sex and how you are caught by it, how self-centered you are in it and the demand, the rejection and the withholding and the control of it, then it loses its hold!

But what do I do with all this pressure from my parents and family, even my friends?

Pressure for what sir?

To go to church, prayer groups and all that. It is bullshit.

Sir! If you are reacting to the control of it and people trying to control you then it will never fall away and only build your anger.

Well I sure am angry!

Is not the indication of anger your self-centered imposing on another and them not doing what or getting what you want from the other?

So you are saying I am angry and doing the same back to them the same way they are doing it to me.

Yes sir, that can be seen!

I think that is what’s happening!

All over the world it is happening and very few people are interested in all this. It is destroying human relationship and our relationship to the earth.

I feel so much better. I am sorry for giving you such a hard time.

You didn’t sir. You were hard on yourself!

So what do I do with my wife then?

Seek to understand her sir! Then demand nothing!

That’s how it used to be! Before we were married.

Yes sir marriage is about a union, not a disconnect!

I think you’re right!

No sir you see the truth of that!

Thank you

You’re welcome.

Coach bri

It was a hot morning and the wind was filled with the promise of rain. The fields were saturated and small puddles were everywhere. The ground couldn’t hold any more moisture. The leaves on the trees were so green from the many cleansing rains. The birds were feasting on the plentiful bugs coming out of the woods. The whole earth seemed to be in abundance. A large ant hill was a busy construction site as the ants prepared for the coming rain.

He pulled up in a mid-size truck. His walk was strong and his gate quick. He greeted me.

Sorry I’m late. It is nice to see you again.

Nice to see you too. How have you been?

I have been holding my own I guess!

So what is ‘holding your own’?

I’m holding it together I guess. My life is basically a mess. I have blown a relationship with my wife. I tried to control her, as you put it, with my mental illness, which didn’t work. And I lost my job since the last time we met and I stormed out of here. So things have gone from bad to worse, as you said they would. I went to my shrink and he did what you said, almost word for word. He needed to change my medication, adjust it a bit, so they can get it right. I told him what you said about behavior and I was choosing my behavior. He laughed and asked why anyone would choose to depress. So I told him because I can’t get what I want. Then he got pissed at me and said he was the psychiatrist.

Wow. Did you get your anger out on him?

Yes I felt good when I left the office and he was pissed.

Well you got a rise out of him? He bought into your external control. And because he did you felt powerful and it is better than feeling hurt.

Okay, so we are back on that stuff again!

You phoned and asked to see me. I’m not looking for you.

I just had to see you because I felt you really listened, and you didn’t, you know……..

Buy into your controlling me!

Yes. Do you have to be so god damn blunt all the fucking time?

Are you going to spend the rest of the session trying to get a rise out of me?

So what if I am? I pay you. What’s it to you?

It means you are not going to get the help you need. You’re just going to carry on doing what you have always done. So if you want to waste your money that’s up to you! But I decide who I see and who I don’t.

You’re a real prick you know, a self centered arrogant prick! You don’t have any idea of what I am going through. I have lost my wife, my house, my kids, now my job.

So do you want to understand why you lost them? Or do you want to keep blaming a chemical imbalance?

Fuck you! What the fuck do you know anyway!

I see you’re in pain and it hurts and I think your life isn’t over. You can learn and have a better life if you choose to.

I am not choosing this shit in my life.

No you’re choosing how you deal with the shit in your life. I think people can change and make a better choice and have a better life.

Why? What’s the point? Everything is so fucked up anyway.

You’re right it is. So tell me how choosing to be crazy is the best thing you can do.

Because I’m not as miserable as I was.

I agree with that. You’re less miserable but your still miserable. Most people who choose to be crazy are very lonely, dependent people.

I not depending on anyone for my life ever again – they have all let me down.

I sure you think that way! But now what are you dependent on?

Nothing I told you, never again!

Well how about drugs? Are you depending on them? For your life?

You fucking bastard!!! I have mental illness in my family. My uncle, my dad, my cousin – they had a mental illness. So it’s in our family.

That may be true. That is what happens in many families where people can’t get or stay close to the people they want too.

What so they choose to go crazy. ? I think you’re fucking crazy.

I’m sure you do! You have a list of people telling you that you not responsible for – your marriage and loss of job and more importantly, your choice to depress.

Well if my uncle and people in my family were depressed that’s a point for it being genetic. So they got that gene.

Yes that’s a convenient way to think.

Well I’m living in that convenient way to think. And it suits me fine.

That’s great. Then why are you here?

Basically, to straighten you out about my mental illness.

Okay, so if you straighten me out about it, how would that look?

You would show some compassion for me. Instead of being an insensitive asshole!

So let me get this right. You came to see me because someone said I would help you. You came to see me, left angry because I did buy into your diagnosis. Now you are back here telling me you have come back to straighten me out.

Yes, because you are lost and don’t know a thing about depression or mental illness.

So as you are here straightening me out, being angry and chewing me out, how do you feel?

A lot better!

Why do you think that is?

Because you are listening to me and I think I am changing your mind.

I still believe you are choosing your behavior and you’re not changing my mind. As a matter of fact, you are convincing me more that you are healthier than you are letting on.

Why do you say that?

Well when you are focusing your attention on me, you feel better!

Yes but I’m still feeling depressed.

Not when you are angering at me your not.

What kind of counselor says that, “angering”? I’m not fucking angering. I’m angry at you, because you’re such a useless fucking counselor.

Yes and one you can’t control. How many other people in your life do you try to control?

Fuck you! I don’t have to answer your questions!

You’re right, you don’t and that’s your choice.

I’m angry all the fucking time okay? I fucking hate my parents, they’re dead but I hate them, and I hate my boss at work and I hate my fucking wife and my fucking kids for being with my fucking wife, I hate my fucking shrink and fucking hate you too.

Well that’s sad, how do you feel about yourself?

Another fucking dumb question!

Yes I know, I ask a lot of dumb question, but I’m interested! Interested in you and how you feel about you!

Fuck this is a waste of fucking time. You are never going to get my illness, you’re too fucking stupid.

True, but how do you feel about yourself?

You just want me to say I hate myself too, right? That’s what you want me to say.

I want you to tell me the truth, what do you feel about you?

I love myself Doctor fucking Freud, alright?

Great. Tell me the truth then about what you love about yourself. I never met a person I haven’t grown to love that I have worked with. You may be the first but I want to like you.

FUCK OFF! I know exactly what you’re trying to do!

What’s that?

Try to be my fucking friend!

How many friend in your life do you have?

FUCK OFF!

I thought you’d say that!

You a fucking mind reader now?

No I don’t have to be a mind reader to predict what you are going to do. It’s pretty clear!

What’s that?

Well when you leave here you will beat yourself up for not giving your self a chance!

At this point there was a strong stillness in the room and everything seemed to be in a deep silence. Then tears began to flow and the man fell off his chair onto his knees. There was a deep wrenching agony or cry and the words, muffled by tears, cried out, “Sorry sorry sorry, please help me – sorry”. I asked for his permission to touch him. All he could do was nod his head. I slowly rubbed his back until he was able to sit back up in the chair.

I haven’t cried like that in years!

Yes sir. How do you feel?

A lot better, like a load has been lifted.

Yes sir, it has

Can I come again!

Of course

I’m sorry for….

There is no need sir! First we think something, then we believe it to be true. In order to be free of the burden of the past we must let go of the present. Only then in freedom can we perceive the false. We can’t self evaluate sir if we are not willing to let go of our prejudice.

I don’t know what happened but I have opened something.

Yes sir, in every death there is an opening.

Coach bri