CoachBri’s Blog

I have seen many people for my addiction. I have struggled with it for many years – ever since I can remember. I have lost so many things: my wife, children, jobs (and I mean good ones). I am so sick of people telling me about why I am addicted. I am sick of the fear tactics and yes, I know I am slowly killing myself. A friend wanted me to come and see you and I asked what the hell for. Another counselor, another method – I am fed up with all that stuff. Yet here I sit hating my life and my lack of control over myself. I don’t want to meet you. I feel I am resigned to my fate. If there are any words you can give me then I will listen. I want to warn you, I hate big long explanations about my addiction and if you give me one I won’t read it. I know I sound like a bad person and maybe I am since I’m tired of myself and my own whining.

I have read some of your stuff and I find some of it refreshing but most is a little too deep for a simple self-centered addict as myself. So please just stay it!

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Marriage counselling was not so much about marriage, and the life I shared with someone, as it was about myself and amazing self discovery. I went with the curiousity of how someone could repair the damage and totally change my husband and I so that we could live harmonously together. What I came away with was a renewed belief in myself, and the realization that I had the strength to effectively conduct my life and that of my children, and as
importantly, that I deserved to be happy as much as anyone else on earth.  I didn’t realize what had been drained out of me, or what I was existing on until I was asked very frank questions that required simple but totally honest answers.
It was a rivetting experience. Not because of the magic Brian possesses, but the seemingly magical unwrapping of years of denial and secrets I kept to maintain the pretence of a happy family, loving couple, and complete, satisfying life. I had done such a good job of destroying my soul that it was earth shaking to
answer these seemingly simple questions and have the truth come pouring out, with their share of tears and exhaustion, to be replaced with a rebirth of feeling like a precious gift, capable of happiness and sharing life again.
 
There was the examination of life as a couple, and how we typically responded to each other, and what our feelings were.  That is all a blur. What remains embedded in memory is the deep breaths I was able to take after years of shallow breathing, the utter joy of believing it was alright with the universe that I could be happy, and the freedom from bondage. I keep a figurine of an angel
holding an open cage with a bird in her other hand. I was going to give it to Brian ( and his wife, because behind every great man….) but kept it myself to remind me that I have been sent free from that tiny cage and every day is ablessing.
 
It was not a quick transition, but unequivocally each step was steadfast and Iwas not turning back.

Kathy

I would love to discuss this in person with you sometime. I have finally been able to put it into words. I think I have finally formed the question: How does one become aware when that capability has been repressed and disregarded for so long? The awareness has been replaced by doctrines, parenting, and all the external psychology of people telling you what was best for you. How does one create this internal healing/correction?

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I need some help and I am a pastor in a church in Toronto. My friend also is a pastor, and he came to see you when you were living in Toronto. Lately I feel I have been overwhelmed by the flock and have lost all truth in my life. Can you please call me back and set up a time? Terry said that you may be out of the country and if you email me your response to this email address I would be most thankful. Terry said he has had a couple of conversations with you and has found them both profound and enlightening, and for Terry that is amazing as he is a source of strength for many of us. So please call back or email. Here is my address…..

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I found this little story in a book I’m reading. I found it both funny and insightful:

In ancient China it was said that there are eight winds. They are gain and loss, praise and ridicule, credit and blame, and suffering and joy. If you aren’t aware of them, they will blow you away like dry leaves in an autumn breeze…

One day a young man thought he had become enlightened. He wrote a poem to his master about how he was not blown by the eight winds. Then he sent it up to his master who lived three hundred miles up the Yangtze River.

When his master read the poem, he wrote “Fart, Fart” on the bottom and sent it back.

The more the young man read those words, the more upset he got. At last he decided to visit his master. In those days, a three-hundred-mile trip up the Yangtze River was a very difficult journey.

As soon as he arrived, he went straight to his master’s temple. “Why did you write this?” he asked, bowing. “Doesn’t this poem show that I am no longer blown about by the eight winds?”

“You say that you are no longer blown by the eight winds,” replied the master, “but two little farts blew you all the way up here.”

Peter

Hey Brian,

What advice can you give a woman in her 50′s who has trouble sleeping? She says she is not having a thinking mind. But that it is potentially hormonal…? However, she’s been to a sleep clinic..and they can not find anything.

What do you think?

Angie

Thank you both for the time we spent together. Sorry if my writing is poor.

Thank you for your email and I thought I would share some of my thoughts about what it brought up for me.

I wonder if the three of us could explore the nature of anger as it is in human relationship. Both of you seem to have so much resentment. Resentment is anger that is nurtured and held on to, as a means to justify our self-centered position.

In marriage, or a relationship of any sort, when one depends on the other for our own happiness, we use the other for our own fulfillment. When they do not come through and meet our demands, we become angry. That anger is the justification for our criticism and condemnation of the other. This is seen by our self-centered stance through our disappointment in them, which is our way to escape from our self. This leads to the process of isolation, which is to disconnect from the other and hang on the power of isolation.

To isolate is to create a wall of protection around oneself and lose what it is to be vulnerable. Anger is never a means to love but only resentment, which is the burden we place on the other.

To love is to tell the truth without using the truth to hurt the other. For the truth told without love is a lie. To love is to be nothing and be free from all of the things man has deemed holy and scared.

For most of us, anger and resentment grow because we have stopped learning and our minds are taken up with superficial religions of man or man’s technological toys. Or we are preoccupied with desires. We are in prison and the prison is of our own making. It is the images we have of our self with all its identifications, personal, nationalistic, political and religious beliefs and opinions. These are the things that cripple human beings and lead to all conflicts. And this is our daily disorder. Here is where we are so superficial. Living life, in all its beauty, is to be free and live on the wings of love and intelligence, which is universal order. Only in the death of the self can we connect and be the change needed in this world.

Luv you both, bri

Bri,

What do anti depressents physically do to your brain?
And what are the effects? Are there any permanent damage?

Ang

After spending a couple of hours deciphering and editing one of Brian’s articles, I developed the following poem:

Forever caught defending
The fabric put together by thought
Will the self ever tire of this
And see its spinning is for naught?
With attention and awareness
We can cut the threads of choice
And beyond that incessant drone
We find or feel a naked voice
And when we hear such simple words
The self creates a new defense
Saying it can’t leave what it’s sewn -
An investment so immense!
And so the cycle begins again
Where thought and self can rule
But somehow somewhere something knows
Only self can spin the spool

Peter

Hi Brian,

I am finally getting to a point where I am evaluating the relationships in my life, mostly because of how I have changed in the last few months. I am tired of endlessly giving to others leaving “my self” too empty to grow, to love and to have fun. I have now noticed that only my “real” friends will like and respect me for who I am, regardless of how my life/changes effects them. Almost all of my relationships are in transition because I am no longer willing to lose parts of myself to benefit others. This is a huge struggle for me. All I have ever known is to give to others. It is difficult, but refreshing to give to myself. I am hurt because some of the relationships I have now appear to be soured by my changes, but I am
excited about the relationships with friends who care about me regardless of what I do or think.

You always seem to ask why we hit the wall every time we discuss something at Friday night group. I find it somewhat frustrating because it never goes anywhere as a group. I definitely learn and grow when listening, but I don’t find any purpose or meaning in the group, other than that we are all
hitting the wall as a group. Is it because we never really talk about “the heart of the matter”? Perhaps
a discussion could be “What is the heart of the matter”? What are we here for? Why was I even born? Are any of these questions even important?

Hope your work over seas is going well. Enjoy the Swiss Chocolate.

bjb