CoachBri’s Blog

You presented to the OHL and my brother spent two days with you and he recommend that I come and see you. Before we get started I want to let you know that I feel my life is pointless. I lost a boyfriend of eight years – we were supposed to be married but he now is in med school and I have been depressed for about three months. I went to a psychic and she helped me get through the depression. But now I feel it is returning and my family is angry with me for the amount of money I have spent. But I feel this person has helped me a lot.

Yes. May I ask how?

Well, she seemed to know all about me. When I came in the room she could tell I was really hurting about something, and she knew he chose a job over me.

Miss, please, can we look straight at this? I know you are in some kind of pain, because no one goes to a psychic or counselor to tell them that their life is fantastic and they just have to pay someone to tell them to shout it from the rafters.

No, I guess not.

You are here because 1) You are looking for some help, perhaps looking for some meaning to your problem that makes sense to you; 2) You want some confirmation that this guy is a real ass and treated you in some way you didn’t deserve; Or 3) you are looking to find out the truth and will stop all this psychic business that you know is a pack of lies and manipulation.

Well I don’t think it is!

Yes I know!

If it is not, why are you here? Why not see your psychic?

I promised my brother I would give you a chance.

A chance to what?

Help  me!

When is the last time you saw your psychic?

I really don’t want to discuss her!

Yes, I know. Why not?

Sure told me to avoid doubters.

I’m sure. That is one of the big manipulations!
What is?

Like born again Christians telling their new recruits that if people question, that is Satan trying to pull you to the dark side. So they then back that up using scripture. Then the brainwashing begins!

So now you’re saying I’m brainwashed?

No miss. I’m saying when we want something we can be deceived. And one of the biggest things about deception is being confused. Whenever we get confused we look to some authority rather than self-evaluate.  This leads to self-deception because we don’t want to know the truth of the situation that we are at the heart of our own misery.

I am not happy being depressed!!

No one is, but you depress, you’re in pain.

And the pain is?

You tell me!

That he won’t marry me!!

Yes but that isn’t the real pain is it?

I think it is! Okay! It’s my pain! For shit sake!

Well I don’t think you’re upset for three months because of him!

Then what for?

How many times has he promised to marry you?

A few!

So what would happen?

We go to one of mine or his friend’s weddings or showers and I would end up upset.

Yes. Then what?

I don’t know. What the fuck are you doing this to me for?

Doing what?

I feel like I’m in court!

Yes and who and what is on trial?

I feel I am!

And for what?

You’re being so goddamn stupid!!! Alright, I’m goddamn stupid!

How do you see yourself as stupid!

Because I tried to get him to marry me and I know he wouldn’t!

What told you that!

We would fight after something, he would leave, then we would get together and talk and he’d say that he just needed more time. So I would give in and then it would start all over again!

So eight years of this? Wow, you must have worked real hard with this guy!

I did! Now look what I have to show for it!

What?

Nothing!

I think you’ve got more than nothing.

What then?

You’re not lying to yourself anymore!

You just keep kicking when someone is down, don’t you!!!

I’m not kicking you and you know that! You’re kicking yourself and for a long time now!

I think you’re right! I’m sorry. I’m just so angry.

Yes, better than depressing, is it not?

So you say I’m choosing it?

Well when you think about how stupid you are, I think the feeling that goes with that is anger. But when you think about all eight years and time wasted and you getting older and you never finding someone….

Okay, I get your point… then I depress! (at this point she laughed)

Yep and now because you’re laughing you seem to have learned something about yourself. Can you tell me what?

I think I’m going to be okay, I can get through this!

Yes you’re not the first attractive young women who got mixed up with the non-marrying type of guy.

No I guess not!

No and there’s a good outcome here! You will find someone and be married. There’s lot of time – unless you have a terminal illness.

Just stupidity!

Well that’s getting better – you just moved towards wisdom today and I see more of it in the future.

So you’re a psychic now! I should pay you your 150 bucks!

Wow, if you’re paying that, I should become one!

Well how do you explain she knew it was a man in my life?

How many women see a psychic about a man in their life?

Okay, a lot I guess!

When did you start seeing her?

About three months ago!

How do you explain her knowing my relationship with my brother and how closer we are?

She said I see another man in your life he really cares for you and is loving and supportive. And you said that sounds like my brother. And you said yes!  Then you told her how close you are and see saw many qualities in him etc.

Oh my God! That is exactly how it happened!

Yes so now does that make me a psychic?

Okay, I see what you mean!

I’m not trying to be rude miss but human beings are so gullible and naïve.

Well I don’t see myself that way!

Yes and is that not the problem?

That kind of hurts! I didn’t come here to be insulted.

No but you stay after eight years with this guy. You must have got he wasn’t going to marry you!

I was hopeful.  Okay, okay I was the one that always called him and said I was sorry for the pressure.

Yes more truth! And how did you feel after you called him

Not very good!

So what did you have to say to him?

I see now I had to talk him into it!

Are you seeing that for the first time now today?

Yes!

And what is that like?

Like looking in a big mirror and seeing a fool! I guess love makes a fool of all of us!

Come on! If you married him, how long do you think it would last?

Not long. He’s so selfish!

Yes and some people I believe should never get married because they are too selfish. They don’t make good partners. They are not bad people they just aren’t cut out for marriage.

We he is one of them! But the other thing is we made a good couple. He’s nice looking and loves my looks, we would have had handsome kids.

But he didn’t love you enough to marry you, looks and all.

Yeah I know! You just say it don’t you?

Yeah enough men in your life have lied to you so I though I would be truthful.

I don’t know which one I like best!

I think you’re sick of lying to yourself and being lied too.

Yeah you’re right. At least I know where I stand.

In any healthy relationship where you stand is as important as what you’re standing on. If the foundation is lies, you build deception. If it is based on openness and honesty, you have trust.

You know I didn’t trust him?

Did you trust yourself?

No!

That means you were probably very needy!

I am! WAS!

Okay, good!

Can I see you again? This was shocking but good!

Sure. Let’s get together next week!

Thanks.

You’re welcome.

Coachbri

It was a fresh night – a welcome relief from the intense humidity of the last few days. The birds’ calls seemed to be clear and sharp. From the noise they were making and how active they were, they to seemed to enjoy the cooler evening. The sunlight on the large ash tree added to the warm inviting color of the moss that was so gentle on one’s eyes. A teenage boy across the field wearing a muscle shirt was talking very loudly to two girls who were flirting back at him to win his affections. Their voices, young and carefree, seemed to carry in the breezes of this cool night. They seemed to talk endlessly with energy and excitement without stopping. An older couple, frustrated with them, asked if they could be a little more quiet. They just laughed and slowly made their way farther down the field and began again. The older couple let everyone around them know they were annoyed by these youth. Looking for agreement they didn’t get, they too moved on, away from the mirror which was unnoticed by their resistance of their ego self.  Humankind has not changed over time except in the area of technology. As a species we are barely holding our own.

“Why is self so strong in us?” was the question he asked.

What do you think sir?

I have no idea. I have tried very hard to do as you ask and see that I am the thing in my life that must change. But when I am in a crisis I always want the other person to change, even though, as you say, I am the one in pain.

Sir, what is the self and can it really change?

My self seems to always be on the move. I just get one thing and then I seem to be something else.

Yes sir. The self is always moving in contradiction.

But why does it do that?

Because self is a product of thought and thought is a movement, or energy, moving through a material process called matter.

That doesn’t tell me why it is always moving in contradiction! That doesn’t make sense to me!

Sir, thought has made yourself, myself and everyone else’s self. If you take on the thought of a Christ you call yourself a Christian. If you identify with Canada which thought has put together, you call yourself a Canadian, right sir?

Okay, yes!  But why is that a contradiction?

Because you or anyone else is not born a Christian or a Muslim or a Canadian or Chinese. It is the human brain taking on that conditioning from the outside, it is imposed on you and you must conform to it.

I still don’t get it. Why would we take it on?

Because if we don’t you are branded or punished.  You, needing people to be loved and belong and be safe, are forced out of fear to conform. That conforming is the beginning of violence.  See it sir!  Thought creates a sense of self to cover emotional trauma.  We naturally form images to be secure and those very images created the hurt and rejection we fear. So the contradiction is self always trying to find security through the images that thought has made and at the same time those images are always the source of the hurt because it can never be totally secure.

Why is that?

All images are made by thought and therefore a product of time!

So what? Who cares if they’re a product of time? They bring some security.

Show me one image you have that is secure!

Well I have an image of you that you’re a nice person!

Yes and if I yell or criticize you, you will begin to like me less and be hurt by my behaviour towards you.

Okay I see that! Okay, my mother loves me!

Okay. Has she ever hurt you?

No, never!

So you get along with her?

Well, most of the time!

And the other times?

Well, she is a pain at times and is hard to love!

Which means what?

I don’t know!

As long as she lives up to your image of you she is okay! But because she has some other images of you that you don’t like she is on the outs, right sir?

Yeah I think you’re right, but what has this got to do with self being a contradiction?

Everything! Self is one thing one moment and then something else the next. Self is a product of time and your whole psyche is put together by thought over time.
So this means there are two movements going on in man: the movement of time and a movement that is not of time, which in this discussion we can your “beingness”.

And they’re in contradiction?

Yes sir, all the days of our lives. Self is always trying to find security in a world that it has created that is completely insecure.

So nothing in life is secure?

Have you been able to find something that is?

No, not yet.

Sir, this is the fact! To be mentally well adjusted in a world as sick as this one is no measurement of mental health. In fact, people who can’t fit into this world could teach us more than the people who are. To give your life to achieve money, power, position, material things, and large banks accounts and to identify who you are with it is a sure sign of madness. Do you see it sir?

Yes I think so!

That is why I have such great feelings for the alcoholic and the drug addict. They are living that life because of the emotional trauma of this life. They weren’t loved, their needs were not met, and they are the walking wounded. So then the drug companies step in and assault and exploit them so they can cover up their emotional pain. It’s a vicious circle sir. Do you see it?

I think I do! So you say we are living and self is our emotional trauma.

Kind of sir. First there is both then your culture imposes into you their sickness.
Then looking for connection you are forced to conform for acceptance and approval and all that. When you don’t or won’t be controlled, external psychology is applied on you and the damaging nature of external control cripples us. In our pain we drink, drug, and addict to all kinds of things to cover our emotional abuses others inflict, which causes a huge wound in us psychologically. I can become a great doctor or politician, actor, or escape to the street. It is all the same. I am caught in the web of my own confusion and that is what I must free myself from. Be on street drugs, brain drugs, or the drug of religion or politics, or whatever my life is, chasing pleasure and the avoidance of pain. That is what most people are about! So seeing all this, can I not stop escaping into meditation and psychics and contacting the dead and all those games but face my own self-centered living and stop all external control in my life? Then perhaps the emotional trauma in our life heals by something beyond self and the movement of thought. Only then can one really face life without any expectations of our vain becoming.

Thanks Coach Bri.

You’re welcome.

The fields of new sprouted corn were covered in golden light streaming through a hole in the dark black sky after a colossal storm. Several trees on the property were damaged by the strong winds. Nature had done its own pruning and the trees that could bend with the wind lost a few leaves and branches.  Others, old and rigid or whose roots were not deep, lost limbs or were uprooted and exposed and some would perish.

She was old and full of attitude. The caregivers were afraid of her demeanor and she always had a bone to pick. Anyone that didn’t do as she planned was told to get the f…k out of her room. People were convinced she loved her misery and nothing could be done about her. She had few visitors, some family at times, and she was more pleasant when they were around. I was called in to see her as she was very depressed and refused her medication.

I knocked and entered the room slowly. She was propped up in her bed and was moaning about something.

What do you want?

Hi, my name is Brian or do you want me to fuck off and get out of your room now?
Or we can chat a bit!

From the corner of her mouth came a little smile. Then she said:

Well for a fat guy you’re not so bad looking.

Well for an old battleaxe your eyesight’s not bad!

(This time she gave a more of a smile.)

You’re not a goddamn doctor are you?

No! I couldn’t live with myself if I was! I would be depressing like you.

I’m not taking their pills and you can go tell that doctor he knows where he can stick’em.

GOOD for you! I don’t think you need any pills either.

(At this time the nurse shot me a looks as if to say “What the hell are you doing?” I just ignored her and kept going.)

I’m not depressed! They just want me on pills so I don’t bug them! So I’m not a pain in the ass!

You, a pain in the ass? Come on, a sweet old lady like you?

You called me a battleaxe!

Yes I did! Are you?

Damn right!

So why are you choosing to be so miserable?

I not choosing this! They just piss me off.

Well I see that! Is there ever a time here when you’re not pissed off?

Never!

Not even when with your with friends, doing activities?

What are you anyway? A social worker?

Sure! I’m whatever you make me into!

What kind of smartass comment is that! I don’t have to talk to you!

You’re right, you don’t! But I’m really enjoying it. It is not often I get to talk to someone like you.

What’s that supposed to mean?

Well how old are you?

Ninety-four!

Wow! Ninety-four and you have more piss and vinegar you than most teenagers!

Yeah, so what!

Well is it working for you!

What’s that supposed to mean. ?

Well is it getting you what you want? It sure seems to me it is, I may be wrong.

What am I getting from what? Why don’t you speak bloody English!
I’m getting along fine! Not your business anyway.

Well that’s why they asked me to come and talk with you.  So that’s how I get paid.

For talking to people! Why don’t you get a real job?

I love my job, I told you that I get to talk to people like you, you’re ninety-four, you’re wise… Don’t you believe in talking to the wise? Don’t you think your generation could teach this generation a lot of valuable things?

Yeah, they won’t listen anyway!

Who wouldn’t listen to you? I’m sure you got a lot of wisdom to share!

For one, my grandson’s sons. Those little ungrateful bastards.

Wow! You’re really upset at them!

I damn well should be!

So why? What did they do?

They went and sold a piece of their farm, a family farm that we have had for generations.

How long ago was it that they did that?

About five years ago.

And you’re still choosing to be angry with them?

Damn right. That farm was in my family forever!

So it’s been gone now five years, and do you ever see your grandsons?

No, they only come at Christmas now!

So what happened?

They sold the farm! Are you goddamn deaf?

That I know but did they ever visit more?

Yeah they did until I found out they sold the farm to their sister. So now there is a new name on that barn.

Okay, so let me get this. You are unhappy with your grandsons and you have a grand daughter too and she is family, is she not?

Yes but she doesn’t have our family name. Are you stupid?

Yes I guess I am! Do you ever see her?

Yes she comes in once every couple months.

Were you ever close to her? Or your grandsons?

Well of course I was! That’s why this is so terrible.

What’s terrible?

That everyone has just forgotten me.

So you’re lonely?

Yes I guess I am! Who gives a damn anyway!

I do!

Why the hell should you, or are you just as lonely as I am?

I think you’re right! As I’m talking to you I feel lonely and sad for your situation!

I don’t need your pity!

I’m not giving it! I’m sad because a wise person like you can’t see how she is creating her own misery.

And how am I doing that?

Do you love your grandsons and your granddaughter?

Well of course I do!

So tell me: What are you doing to get close to them?

Nothing – I shouldn’t have to!

Come on – when you we their age, would you want to be around a person as miserable as you?

You’re a little bastard! You prick!

Yes that’s part of me too.  I am trying to help you not be so lonely! And I think you can see that and that is why you’re angering at me!

Oh speak English for Christ sake!

You said you have had visits with your grandchildren and something went sour in your relationship with them. What changed?

They sold that piece of the farm!

I know that but when they visited what did you talk about with them, when this went sour?

Hell I don’t know!

When did you see them last?

At Christmas!

Yes, what happened?

We had a huge fight!

And what happened?

I don’t remember!

Come on I know you do! How much time have you spent in the last five years criticizing them for selling the farm and other things?

A lot!

Okay, thanks for being honest! And if you could get along better with them, how do you think your life would be different?

Well, they would come and see me more!

How would you feel about that!

Better I guess, but they sold that farm!

Yes to your granddaughter and her husband. Aren’t they family?

Yes!

So what is it then!

She shouldn’t have married him!

Oh! Who should she have married?

The other guy! He was so nice!

So would you want your daughter married to someone you loved or someone she loved?

I’m not a dumb broad. I get it!

Get what?

Marry for love!

Right! So how many times did you tell her she should have married the other guy?

A few times!

And when you did, she felt closer to you? Or did she disconnect by seeing you less!

By seeing me less!

Good for her. She’s wise like her grandmother!

What is that supposed to mean?

If your grandmother was criticizing you about your choice of men would you want to be around her?

She did!!!

Did you listen to her?

No! I hated her!

So do you want to be hated?

No I guess not!

So how may years do you think you could live yet?

I don’t know … one, maybe two.

Well how do you want to me remembered?  Miserable and a battleaxe?

No! I just don’t know where to begin!

How about the next time I come in we write a letter together and I’ll see they all get a copy!

Oh! Oh! Would you do that for me?

Only if there is no more battleaxe language, just connecting language. Do you think you can do that?

Yes, I could write a good letter in my day!

I’m sure you can – you’re a wise women! I will be back in two days, is that okay?

Yes thank you!

You’re welcome!

Coach bri

I have been seeing many clients whose parents believe they are in need of drug therapy. The latest one was a young woman who was significantly depressed. She was barely attending school and her relationship with her parents was extremely poor. The major problem in this situation always goes back to the relationships in this young girl’s life. When she is unable to get along with her parents and teachers in her school she has great difficulty attending class. Most of the adults in her life are practicing external psychology with her. Often the major habit of external psychology being practiced is criticism. Every time you criticize another human being you end up hurting the relationship in some way. Until we are able to understand that our brains are conditioned with ego consciousness put together by external psychology,  we will never come to understand the internal psychology of love and compassion. When people are in trouble and not succeeding in their life, a successful relationship is a relationship that brings love and compassion to the table. Psychiatry and drug therapy are often the last thing people need. I recommend you read a book by William Glasser called Warning: Psychiatry May Be Hazardous to Your Mental Health. Another book is called Mad in America by Robert Whitaker. This book deals specifically with the trouble directly affecting youth and the medical model of psychiatry and the dramatic effects and assault on our youth.

Coach Bri

With regards to all relationship: We can learn as important things from a relationship that doesn’t work as from something that does.

Coach Bri

It was a cool morning and the deep black clouds covered most of the sky. The irises gave off a sweet smell as the wind caressed them in a cool steady breeze. Morning had broken and the promise of another day woke the earth and all its inhabitants. The birds were first, a crow in the distance, and the sparrows and starlings. Every so often the dog would raise her head.  Her ears would perk up; she would give a deep bare tone, and bark at some noise she thought needed some attention. Then her large head would slowly fall to her paws and her ears would relax until the next noise of the waking earth caught her interest.

They arrived about eight on this Sunday morning. Both were well dressed yet seemed at bit rough as they had left Toronto in the wee hours of the morning.

The father led his adolescent son to the door. The son walked slowly and painfully a large distance behind him. As they got near the door the father said in a loud voice to his son:

Come on you little bastard. I don’t want any of your bullshit now. I have driven to this place for three hours and as much as I care you can stay here.

As I opened the door, after a loud aggressive knock, I said in a loud voice:

Welcome to the bastard rehabilitation center! Only bastards are allowed. Are you both bastards?

At this the father stepped back and his son, a handsome blond haired, blue-eyed, fit guy said:

Oh yes we’re bastards alright! He’s the biggest one though! pointing at his father.

The three of us all had a good laugh and they came inside and we sat in the den.

The father started things off.

Well I didn’t expect this – to start out laughing.

No sir. How can I help?

My son behaves like a little bastard, he dropped out of school, is smoking weed and partying all night, won’t work, won’t help out around the house, and steals money from me whenever he can. I have to watch my wallet and car keys, he got a ticket and we have to go to court. He had booze in the car, open, some half-naked slut with him.

She’s not a slut! She’s my girlfriend, you fucking asshole.

Sorry but I agreed that this session is only for bastards. You have to come back tomorrow, that’s my asshole day.

Both laughed and I sat there silently and kept a very serious face. I got out my computer and looked up the word bastard and read this to them.
The word  bastard means:
A contemptible, inconsiderate, overly or arrogantly rude or spiteful person. See asshole, sod.
(informal) A child that does not know his or her father.
(informal) Something extremely difficult or unpleasant to deal with.
Life can be a real bastard.
A variation that is not genuine; something irregular or inferior or of dubious origin, fake or counterfeit.

The father replied:

Well that about sums us up, if you go by definition.

Then the son said:

Doesn’t that apply to everyone, basically?

Yes sirs it does. So it takes one to know one, right sirs?

They both nodded their heads and the son had a smile.

Now can we get to it sirs. Now, all of us are conditioned bastards so why do you come three hours to see another bastard like yourselves?

You helped save my colleague at work’s marriage. He said you helped him with things so I thought we needed your help. So here we are and you can tell the rest. I’m sure you’ve seen it before.

Seen what sir?

This mess of a son! He’s a disgrace! I’m so pissed with him.

Sir I don’t see that!

Well then you’re a fucking idiot like him.

Yes sir my wife would concur with that! Do you know her? Has she talked to you?

This isn’t funny. You’re making my son laugh. This isn’t a joke! I’m pissed.

Dad, lighten the fuck up! You’re such an asshole.

Sorry sir. Do you want to know what I see?

Yes. I’m paying for this bullshit, aren’t I?

I see a man who loves his son, and is desperate to fix him when he himself is broken.  That’s what I see. Sorry Sir!
There was absolute silence for several minutes.

Sirs can you tell me: When did this all start?

Both men were now crying, the young man said:

Dad, tell him. For god’s sake tell him. Say it! Say it!

The father burst into tears and fell back on the sofa. The son just stared at him and shook his head.

Ever since my mom died! That’s what he can’t say. Fucking cancer two years ago and our fucking life has fallen apart.
Yes sir.

Now the son began to cry and this lasted for a good two minutes before a word was spoken.

May I ask you something?

Both nodded.

How do you think you have dealt with this trauma?

The son said:

I just party my fuckin’ brains out. I can’t take him – his bullshit around the house. His moods, his tears, his dates that he goes on and then freaks these people he dates out. He tells me why they aren’t like mom. She’s fucking dead! They’re not mom!

So you’re in pain so you party!  How does that help you?

It’s fucking better than doing what he does.

How is it any different?

It just is! I don’t sit at home and feel sorry for myself.

No, you just don’t let yourself feel!

Yeah, well fuck you! Why the shit did I come up here anyway?

Because you have hope and you’re tired of hurting and you feel safe.

How the fuck do you know what I feel?

Good point! So tell me!

I feel like shit okay? My life is fucked. I miss her too dad. She was my mom! But you’re … fuckin’ fuckin’ …

Fuckin’ what?

I still have a dad!

You mean you still need a dad?

Yeah, of course I do!

But not the one you have now!

No fuckin’ way. He’s got to deal with this for fucks sake. I can’t do this alone!

You can’t do what alone?

Be strong! Mom asked me to be but I can’t. I can’t do this!

Did you ever?

Yes he did, replied the father. Until you and Nancy broke up, right?

Yeah.

What happened?

Nancy was my old friend. Her and mom were really close. Dad liked having her around. She was great but I just couldn’t deal with it all.

So you pushed her away.

Yeah!

That was it my son. She just reminded me of your mom.

Dad that creeps me out!

Not that way. Nancy was just so easy to talk to.

Dad, she was my girlfriend and you were relying on her too much.

For what? I asked.

I don’t know

How about emotional support?

Dad, what do you think?

The father remained silent for some time.

Son, I think you’re right. I’m sorry that you broke up with her because I was too dependent.  You thought I wouldn’t move on. So you got rid of her for me.

Yeah dad! Mom told me you would take it hard. She knew. She told me to watch out for you. She warned me about Nancy, that you’d put too much pressure on her! She told me that.

Now the son was weeping and the father moved over to him and hugged him.

I’m so sorry son, so sorry.

I miss her Dad!

Who do you miss? I asked.

Nancy.

The dad, a little shocked, said, Not mom?

The son replied, Of course I miss mom but she’s dead. Nancy’s alive Dad! Alive!

I know. It’s just that it’s your mom!

Sir, may I ask, is your mother alive?

I don’t know. I never knew her. I was adopted.

Yes. So your wife was everything to you?

Yes she was.

But you still have a son!

Yes. I see that! And a daughter. She lives out west and is married.

Yeah and look at the pressure you but on her to stay. She almost gave up her job, to babysit us.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry! What do we do now?

Life is for the living dad!

You got a pretty wise son here! Why don’t you listen to him? Get closer to each other. Were you ever close?
Yes we used to be! He’s strong like his Mom is!

Was Dad!

Was, okay, was!

Well I think that getting close again is the best option. But can I give you both some advice?

Yeah sure! the son replied.

Try or do new things together, nothing you did with your wife.

No shit. Everything we do depresses him. He keeps bringing mom into it.

Well when your dad chooses to depress, how could you help him?

I can’t.

Right!

And when you choose to self medicate with drugs or drinking, how can he help?

He can’t.

Okay, but if you both work together on your relationship and it works better for you guys, will that help the both of you.

Well I wouldn’t be as depressed.

You wouldn’t choose to depress.

Okay, I need some help with that.

Well, when your son is in pain does he choose drugs?

Yes I do for sure!

Okay okay, I get it.

But I think I would like to see you again.

This was not what I thought it would be. I think I have a lot of work to do.

Me too Dad … like getting Nancy back!

Okay then! So call me and we’ll set up a time.

Sorry to come on a Sunday morning so early.

Anytime sir!

Coachbri

The rain had the ferocity of the wind behind it. It came in quickly and left the earth full and soaked with water. Many puddles had formed in the fields; the earth around the puddles was black and rich. The seeds planted beneath seem to grow before ones eyes as lightly green shoots spun to life.

She was very quiet and not sure why she had come.

You saw my husband and he is not the same man since and I really can’t figure him out. He’s stopped criticizing me and he’s dropped his constant demand for sex. So I have come to see you because I think you or him are up to something.

Like what?

Some plan! Whatever! I know my husband and since we’ve been married he has always demanded sex from me at the most inopportune times.

Yes he told me about that!

Well I wondered why he did that! He never really talks to me about anything. He just goes off and sulks. He behaves like another kid, for shits sake.

Yes he is aware of that as well. He told me that he sulks a lot when he doesn’t get his way.

He sure does! And I’m sick and tired of it. It’s another demand, a pressure, and between the kids, the house, and looking after some of my own needs I don’t need another person whining at me.

Yes he seems to know that!

Well that’s what he does. It is so unattractive that he’s so dependent on me. What’s wrong with you men! All my girlfriends say the same thing about their husbands. We laugh at you guys, you know!

I’m sure you do! But are any of your girlfriends divorced?

Yes they are.

Do they laugh at their husbands, now that they’re divorced?

No, they hate them!

Maybe your husband feels that divorce isn’t an option for you and he doesn’t want that to happen.

So what you’re telling me is that he thinks I’m having an affair?
Well no, I’m not.

I sure could have. That’s easy and with the way I look, men are always flirting with me. I seem to have that type of body that men like. They’re all the same! But one man for another man would be just another set of the same problems. I’m not interested in that.

So what kind of marriage are you interested in?

One that works!

Is it working now?

Well what did my husband say?

He said a lot! But none of which I can really discuss with you!

And why not??

I care about your marriage and I am willing to fight for your relationship for your marriage even when sometimes people don’t.

So you’re colluding with my husband?

No. Maybe I’m colluding with your marriage.

What the hell does that mean?

If you came to see me about your marriage to your husband and then he came to see me, would you want me telling you what you said in confidence to me?

Yes, why not? You’re supposed to tell us!

Well I don’t think doing that would help your marriage. Me telling you that your husband came to me and took responsibility for his behavior I feel is not breaking his trust. I think your husband won’t be upset about that he knows he’s made mistakes he doesn’t want to lose you. And I really think he is worried about that.

I know that in last two weeks I’ve been living with a different man and it’s really pissing me off.

So things are worse now?

Yes!

Well why is that?

Now I feel so guilty for the way I’ve been treating him.

Well so that means you’re starting to do a little self-evaluation. Is that so bad?

Well I guess not but I did fool around on him. But I ended it yesterday.

Why yesterday?

Well I knew I was coming to see you and my husband has been treating me so different. The affair lost all its appeal I think! I don’t know. I guess I see him trying so hard … I don’t know guilt maybe.

Can I ask you a question? It may help you understand it if you answered it.

Yes sure!

When you noticed your husbands change, when did that start?

About four weeks ago, I think.

What happened?

I just gave up fighting him and just gave him sex. Let him do his thing and get off and be done with it.

How did you feel about that?

I felt depressed, lonely, sad, and guilty.

Did he have any response to this?

Yes he stopped having sex with me and asked me what was wrong.

Do you think he knew something was up?

Why do you say that?

Well, what did you do in the past with his demands?

Just refused him and made him wait till I was ready!

What would he do?

Whine and act like a child. Give me the silent treatment. Same old bullshit men do!

But he didn’t, did he? He saw you change and he didn’t like it!

I guess not!

Is it possible that he figured something out?

Like what?

That he finally heard you and he doesn’t want to lose you.

Yes but why now?

Because you did something differently that you have never done before.

Which is?

You gave in to him! You had an affair, you depressed! But more important, he surprised you. Didn’t he?

Yeah he did, I thought he would end the marriage as much as I thought he wanted to.

What made you think that?

Well I thought he was as miserable as I am. I turn him down a lot; I criticized him all the time. But since your session with him he’s talking to me more and I know he listened to you because he explained to me that when I criticize him like I do I sent him the message I don’t love him and therefore he tries to do what most men do – have sex to reconnect. He said it really hurts him when I criticize him and if I have sex with him there is still hope.

Do you think he’s right?

You mean do I think you’re right?

No! He’s the one that gave you that information; I’m not your husband. How I think or not doesn’t impact your marriage.

How do I know this is genuine?

You don’t, you have to find out. Your marriage can be saved if you are willing to start caring less about what he or you want and more about what is best for your marriage, your relationship.

Yes I guess our relationship is real … too right.

Yes – a living, breathing thing depends on how you treat each other.

I think we need your help!

Sure that’s what I do – deal with people who want out of their self-inflicted misery.

So you think this is self-inflicted.

Yes. All throughout history human beings refuse to evolve psychologically. We are still in conflict and refuse any other way of living. The world is becoming a more dangerous place.

That seems so sad!

Don’t you feel the sorrow of your life?

Yes I do! Thank you. I must come again.

Sure!

Coachbri

He was depressing and the fear of making a decision about his life was thought playing the possible outcomes back and forth.

Please, can you help me? I feel so confused and frustrated that I am unable to focus on anything. I lie awake at night and worry about all kind of things.  I don’t have a moments rest from my racing mind. My friend Karen told me about you and said you are her “yoda guy”. You have quite a reputation with a few people I know.

Sir, please, I don’t think I can help you.

Why do you say that? Isn’t that for me to decide?

Sir, I am not trying to offend you but you are listening to the experience of other people about me.

Well isn’t that only natural, to listen to the opinions of others that you respect?

Only on technological matters sir, but never in inner life matters of the heart.

You are not being very fair to me!

So have you come to me to get the help you want or the help you need?

I didn’t expect this! You are very confrontational and I am not sure I like that.

Yes sir most people are not serious about their life and they choose the help that suits them.

So you’re telling me I’m not serious? Thanks!!

Do you not see the irony in this situation?

No sorry I don’t.

You are here because you are unsure of the direction you should go in; you said you were confused, right sir?

Yes.

Then in the same breath you are telling me that you are influenced by my reputation and you don’t even know me. So you have already reached a conclusion about me based on other people.

Okay but I don’t see how that fits in.

Sir, if you are hungry and I eat something does that satisfy your hunger?

No!

So in the same way you have listened to the influence of others and lost touch with your own passion and longing and are confused as to what direction to go in. But you sit around and waste all your energy being afraid of what might happen; therefore you have no energy to meet any challenge that comes across your path, right sir? Do you see it?

I just see it now and I don’t know what to do!! I want to smash you or hug you. This is so weird.

Sir, that is why I can’t help you because the opinions of others matters more to you than what you think about anything.

Okay big guy, back off!

You don’t want me to back off sir! You are just afraid of challenge. Like most people we have all the energy in the world to make money but very little to make a life.

Make a life?

Most people think life is about accumulating things like money, stocks, house, car, or whatever. That is the most shallow, self-centered existence. Making a life is sharing the beauty and wisdom of relationship. Relationship matters more than anything else sir. How you are related to things does define you sir, regardless of what we may or may not think. That’s why we need education about reaching our potential, our human potential. Do you see it sir? To be fully human is to see that we all suffer from all the same psychology of external control. Our consciousness is all one. Therefore we are people living on one field trying to find a way out of this field but thought will never transport us out of it.  So we are all stuck sir.

Okay! So why would we do that?

Because all thought, apart from technical thought, is self-centered. We are so deeply selfish sir and we refuse to see are own narcissism and the full conditioning of it.

How do you know that?

Sir I’m not trying to be rude!

I know that. I’m just not used to people talking this way. You are helping me. I just didn’t expect it like this but it’s good. Sorry, continue! Please!

Are you not, in your life, caught in your own problems? Thinking endlessly to get something or someone to love you more, respect you more, give you less trouble, less work , more this or that etc?

Yes that just about sums in up. My girlfriend tipped this whole thing off for me I think, when she broke up with me.

Yes sir it is always someone doing something to me. Poor me! We never ask what I keep doing to drive the person away.

Ouch!

Yes sir!

She dropped me for another guy she met on a plane!

Yes sure. And how many relationships is this for you?

Okay, I get your point! But they have something to do with it too, right?

Okay sir, they are trapped in their problems, conditioned in their selfish state, the same as you.

So what do we do then?

Face yourself as you are sir, learn about all of your selfish ways and face them without condemnation or prejudice. You and your selfishness are one thing! Not two!

I didn’t get that!

When you are suffering from your problems the you is in fact the problem you’re suffering from. Self is the problem!

Well if that’s true I can’t do anything about it! Because whatever I do my self is the problem doing it!

Yes!

I know I said something profound, I mean it is as if a light went on.

Yes sir! That light that went on is not of you. It is of something far deeper and richer than the pettiness of self.

True, true. I think I feel that! So my confusion is in fact created by my self because my “me” is confused because it’s not real.

Yes sir but self is real. It is just put together by thinking which is an external psychology that is the conditioned viewing point in people.

So we are all the same then!

Yes sir! We are mainly repeating an old program in a new brain.

Shit! Shit this is deep shit!

Yes sir we are in DEEP SHIT! And if we don’t change, we will destroy the earth and everyone on it. It is happening sir. Look around and wake up. As a good friend told me the other day, we are not the center of the universe, self just thinks it is!

Thank you.

You’re welcome sir!

Coachbri

We were loading up the truck with great speed and efficiency. In the distance we could see the coming rain as it speckled the sky in tiny dark spots that were to reach the earth. You could see the clear line of wind and rain as it hadn’t reached us yet but when it did we would be soaked to the bone. We got the truck and trailer loaded and headed to the dump and the change in wind prevented the rain from reaching us full force. As we entered the dump, the ground was thick with dark black mud. The truck and trailer slid their way up the low-grade hill until it reached the top and we emptied it quicker than we filled it. The man at the dump came out to greet us. He slowly looked over the things we were dumping as if he was looking for buried treasure. His eyes lit up and you could easily see that what we were hauling in was of some use to him. He patiently helped us unload the truck and trailer and took the things he wanted to a different area close to his shed. He had the hands of the working man – strong, dirty, cut, but full of knowledge and experience. He was a man that knew how to use his hands and they were his livelihood. When we were empty he returned from his shed and gave us a bill. We paid it and left.

The dump is a very interesting place: people bring the things to it that they no longer want or think have value and discard them. The old man at the dump saw this junk and it was clear he had no hesitation in investigating what was brought into the dump and directed each person carefully where to dispose of it. It made me think of “one man’s garbage is another man’s treasure” and I sat with the psychological implications of that statement for quite some time. It was almost 4:00 p.m. and after I had showered, I sat in the study waiting for my next appointment.

There was a strong knock at the door. I got up and answered it and invited the person in. I noticed by his walk and entrance his movements were very quick and stiff. He seemed to have a lot on his mind and had come to tell the story and wanted definite answers.

Hello sir. My name is Brian.

My name is Jon. I received your name from the pastor of my church and he told me that I may benefit from speaking with you. I live in London and on the drive up for an hour I’d been running thoughts through my mind, trying to decide what to talk to you about. Also I noticed the closer I got to your house the less interested I seemed in talking.

Okay sir that’s fair! Where would you like to begin?

I guess the problem is my wife. I just don’t understand her!

Sorry sir, I’m not trying to be rude, but why don’t you try spending time understanding yourself? That seems like a better investment of your time and money!

Well I know ultimately I’m here about my, my …?

Your unhappiness sir!

Yeah maybe that’s it. I just don’t get women!

Sir, what do you mean by “just don’t get”?

I don’t understand them. I don’t seem to be able to get along with them. Well, I never have!

Do you mean being able to get along with them or her in particular?

Yes, my wife you mean?

Okay, your wife. What would that look like?

We wouldn’t fight so much, we’d have a great sex life, we would be able to be together and enjoy each other’s company, she wouldn’t criticize me so much, I wouldn’t always be insecure with her, she would listen to me, she’d just do what I say.

Okay. So in other words she would love you the way you want to be loved!

Yes that about sums it up.

Sir, isn’t she saying the same thing about you, that if you loved her, you would love her the way she wants you to be loved.

Yeah I guess that sounds right.

Sir…

Can you please call me Jon?

Okay Jon. Throughout the dawn of time men have lived in conflict with woman.

Well I’m not convinced of that!

I’m not trying to convince you of anything. You can see it in your own life with your wife!

See what?

See the fact of the conflict!

And the conflict is?

Between you and her. Your ego bumping up against her ego!

Well I think that’s in everything. It is not just between men and women.

I agree with you Jon but you are here about a relationship with your wife.

Yes I am but your comment really covers all human relationship, doesn’t it?

I’m not sure but just for now let’s keep it as the conflict between you and your wife and let’s gain an understanding of that. I believe we can do that sir if you want. As men are we willing to take a journey together and take a hard look at ourselves so that we can look and see how deeply we are conditioned and how very little questioning of that conditioning goes on? And because we don’t question and examine our thinking but are conditioned, we have lost touch with our maleness therefore we are in conflict with woman.

Well there is no doubt that I’m in conflict with my wife. Most of the time I don’t like her and all the things she stands for.

Yes. Or you have a deep resentment for your wife!

Yes I guess I do.

How do you know that this resentment is an absolute indisputable fact?

While now that you’re discussing it I do feel I have a strong resentment of my wife. As a matter of fact I can’t seem to get close to her and get her approval.

Jon, your resentment is deeper than approval. You hate the fact that you need her far more than she needs you. Women are now saying I want a man in my bed but I don’t want them in my home. We’re coming to that more and more.

I don’t get what you’re saying! I need her more than she needs me? I don’t think so!

Jon, what do you want from your wife?

I want her to meet my needs so that I can be happy!

Which means what? You see her as your source of happiness and that source of happiness is outside of you in her.

Yes I would agree she is a source of my happiness.

Now do you really think you’re the source of happiness in her life?

Not like she is for me!

That’s my point. Men, since the dawn of time have sought happiness from sources outside of themselves. Not finding it in woman, we resent them, their power.

This is getting very complicated. I’m pretty easy-going guy. Just fuck me the way I want it, yeah, the way I want it and she can pretty much get everything from me she wants and needs.

Yes Jon you have just put it perfectly: your conditioning of woman is they are there for your pleasure, and the more pleasure she gives you the more she covers up your inadequacy.

I didn’t say that!

Let’s be real Jon. Don’t you want your wife for sex?

Well it’s a bigger part of the relationship then it is for her!

Which means what? You want it more often than she does and when you get it the way you want it you perceive your relationship to be what?

Fantastic I guess.

Okay, so when are you in conflict with your wife?

What? I don’t get it!

So you’re dependent on her to give you pleasure. When she doesn’t give that to you, what do you do?

I don’t know. Stay away I guess. Keep out of her way.

More than that Jon. Don’t you try to bully her, get moody, manipulate her, pout, see strippers, pornography, hang out with the boys etc?

Yeah I guess you’re right, if I’m being honest.

Why wouldn’t you want to be anything but honest?

The conversation were having right now is very different. I’m not used to talking to people like this!

Yes I know it’s very hard for men to be honest. Most men will debate theoretical physics, politics, economics, but very few men will really discuss the matters of the heart. Sex for most men meets their sense of loving and belonging, a deep need that exists in most human beings. Men really believe and have been conditioned to think that sex satisfies that need. But all that does is inflame the appetite for the behavior of sex. Now I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with having sex – it has its place. But unless we face our deep resentment of woman, we can’t go beyond.

I don’t understand this deep resentment of women! I don’t think that’s in my life!

So tell me what happens when you get together with a group of male friends, especially when there’s drinking.

Well, we joke around a lot!

No you don’t joke around a lot. What happens is you attack each other jokingly, you dig at each other, criticize each other all done in fun, until one guy really gets ganged up on, made a fool of, and all the guys laugh when he gets pissed off. Everybody hates to be that guy that gets picked on but the fact is that’s how most males relate with each other, to different degrees.

Okay I see what you’re saying. That’s true but why?

Because we are all so frustrated!

Frustrated about what?

Frustrated with the fact that we need women far more than they need us. We try to connect through the intellect which doesn’t work. So we spend our time humiliating them in all kinds of ways because of our own inadequacy. Our own frustration is from not knowing how to find happiness from a source inside ourselves. So when we can’t we addict to all kinds of things. Addiction is always the sign of dependency caused by inadequacy within ourselves. That’s the pain, and woman was born with purpose, a vessel of creation that doesn’t have a clue how to nurture a man. Therefore we have conflict and all the anger and brutality that go with it.

This is really rattling me! I just don’t know what to say. I see some truth in what you’re saying but the problem seems so overwhelming. I can’t tell my wife what I really think of her. I know in my heart what I really want to do is humiliate her. I want to hurt her as bad as she hurts me. I am so sick of her independence and her strength and… and!

The fact she doesn’t need you!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Jon I know this is difficult but when are you happiest with your wife?

When I’m not so dependent on her and my life is filled with other things. I just don’t know if I can remain married. A part of me knows I love her yet by what we’ve discussed that seems to be a contradiction.

Yes you’re right it is the very structure of thinking, which is at the root of conflict, is a contradiction. The point of all this Jon is to face the fact of your conditioning without condemning or justify it. If you can perceive all the disorder in your relationship with your wife, then something new takes place. And that newness has nothing whatsoever to do with thought or the thinking process. Thinking is where we hide, where we lie, where we resent. Face it Jon and see it as it is.

I know this is just the beginning for me and I know why my pastor sent me to you. This conversation is very profound to me, so thanks. I know I would like to come back and see you but I need little time to digest all this.

I understand, come back whenever.

Coach Bri

The morning sun was bright and there was the promise of the clear blue sky. In the large hall people were gathering before the talk and I had no idea what to talk about. My brain was nervous, nothing was coming at all. I felt like a mute giving a speech.  Thought would jump in at times and be very self-critical. (Why are you talking? You’re an idiot. You can’t even read or write. Who the hell is going to listen to you?) I gave my full attention to this and it melted away.

People that morning seemed to be fed up with winter and the promise of the heat that day brought its own excitement. Nervousness was everywhere within and without. Self was in full protection mode. (Why do you talk? You are just like any man, you’re not special, you have no gifts! I talk because I am like every man – we all have the same problems one way or another, that is why I talk! You must make yourself vulnerable, and demand that they be too! As long as self is here vulnerability is not.) Thought went on like this for some time, and I gave all of my attention to each and every thought. After the introductions I was called to enter the large room filled with people, as thought snapped at my heels.  I could hear the putdowns of my father slowly dying as I walked across the stage and sat down on a small wooden chair. Those voices of ghosts now dead, coming back to haunt me, dissipated as I sat and looked over the audience. I still had no idea of what to say. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and waited for the rhythm of my own silence.

To be vulnerable to the one that is most critical to us is very difficult to do. That is why, if we want to be in relationship with someone, it is best never to criticize, no matter what. To tell the truth to someone that would harm the relationship is a contradiction.  For the truth told without love is a lie. Marriage is so unnatural when people marry out of loneliness or the need for procreation. For what good is a marriage if it is full of lies or deception or bullying each other to fulfill needs? Most people today use marriage as a means for economic existence. They have forgotten the most important element of marriage: To keep learning how to end the conflict between the feminine and the masculine.  To be as one, the part of man that is the guide, protector of his own soul and keeper of his wife’s heart and trust. And the women: the vessel of creation, the nurturer that can take the brokenness of a man and help him to find meaning. This delicate balance of learning is mostly lost and therefore we raise children caught in vines of the lies of our own making.  As our generation blames the one before, they impart the same blame on us and they are right.   Life then becomes about hiding through becoming something.

We are tangled up in all the lies of humanity and the only thing that has changed is technology, which has driven us to distraction of pleasure, for convenience or the easy life. That is what we are all looking for, is it not? We can’t grow closer and invite relationship when the people we want to connect to see us as their greatest critic.  Relationship, love, and compassion demand vulnerability. To unravel the lies we have bought into and to change our psychology has and is the greatest challenge humankind will and always face.

Coachbri