CoachBri’s Blog

Human beings are like pudding stones. We are filled with a large range of behaviors, attitudes, intentions that are maintaining us as self-serving. We want to be famous, respected and revered. We are addicted to our own sense of importance; therefore in all things we are indifferent to the needs of others and this leads to the practice of external control or the need to control others. To have control over another is a sign of our own shallow intoxication with our self. The need to exert that control creates every form of conformity and violence and the egoism of oppression. Removing all external psychology is the greatest challenge in our life. This is very difficult to do because all of society is organized with external psychology. We are taught to identify with the things created by thinking, therefore we think we know what is best for others, how they should change, and we spend our life reacting and therefore keep ourselves in conflict with someone or something. We don’t want to realize that we are in a prison of our own desire, and desire and its pursuit keep external control in operation.

Desire for anything is a process of thinking and what desire promises never lives up to its promise. The more one develops an appetite for anything and feeds it, the more one can never find satisfaction. There is no internal desire put together by thought. Internal desire is a movement of how we feel in the moment that indicates to us if the behavior we are choosing in this moment is good and helpful to us or painful and detrimental to us. Internal psychology is a process that holds thinking in its place. Thinking out of its place has created all this conflict and the disconnection that happens in it. We can always practice.

Coach Bri

If we could look at the world and see what it means to live in this world and reach our potential, I don’t think many people would say they are reaching it. Humankind seems to be willing to change technology at a colossal rate. However, we still live with the psychology of self and all its domination that keeps us behaving with animal instincts in the ways we parent, manage people in the work place, teach in our schools, coach athletes and keep a hold over our spouses. This self psychology is made by the process called thinking and our brain, being dominated by this self psychology, is the brainwashing that is the source of time. Humankind fails to see that the brain, being rooted in time, is the cause of all our problems inside and outside, by the endless need to become something better that we are.

But what are the facts? We have taken somewhere around 14 billion years to evolve to the state we are now, called humans. This is a measurement created by humans based on their need to put meaning to their existence. At some point in our evolution it was important to become more skilled at survival or one would die. Sometimes improving your position outside in society is natural. Unfortunately human beings extended this principal inwardly and concluded that “I too must become better”. There we formed a manmade self and the whole psychology of its function.

“Every generation blames the one before, all of their suffering comes beating at your door” (Mike and the Mechanics, “The Living Years”). This is a profound statement that encapsulates why human beings are caught in a prison of their own making called the psychology of self. The study of psychology is the so-called science of human behavior. But we have forgotten that this self we have created is a product of thought. Thinking is its mother. Self is born out of thought because thinking is a movement from experience, which gives us knowledge, which then creates memories.  Thinking, and words, are the past, knowledge is the past, memories are the past. Therefore thinking is rooted in the past and rooted in time. Self is a movement of time.

We run from the fact that self, being a movement of the past thinking it’s a movement in the present, is the source of all our anxiety. As self begins to see it is not real but a product of instincts being sustained by the thinking process, a transformation happens. That transformation is the dismantling of the self and all its beliefs, conclusions and images. These are all the children of thinking, which is a movement from the past, which poisons the present. A poisoned present is the psychology of self in action. The action is a process that creates conflict because it has formed all the religions, the political parties, philosophies, countries, etc. This for centuries is our madness leading to self’s biggest organized accomplishment: organized mass murder called war.

Therefore we are at war everyday because self and its psychology is that thing that dominates our life.  Few people are interested in getting at the core of the problem because they refuse to cease all movement or the so called spiritual movement rooted in knowledge. Knowledge, practiced in any direction is the most destructive force of a religious or spiritual life as it creates tradition and all tradition binds humankind to a movement in time. Love, compassion, and insight are movements not created by thought or bound by time. That is the movement lacking in and around our lives and the world at large. We, as separate individuals, are responsible for this!

Declan Brian O’Reilly

It was a lovely spring morning. The earth was dark and damp and gave off such a rich, earthy smell. The sky looked so turquoise blue over the lake and on the horizon the colors were so soft with no promise of rain.

We walked for some time in the solitude of the morning. He then began to cry. His tears were large and he felt somewhat embarrassed and foolish.

Let them come sir! It is so cleansing to be vulnerable. You are among friends now.

I sorry for all this, I never thought this would happen, but it is there now and I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness.

Yes sir. Let it be there! Do watch it sir and see all of it without any interruption.

But it feels so… so…

Ugly, sir?

Well, I wasn’t going to say that but it does make sense, it is kinda ugly.

Sir, most of us live such a self-centered, ugly existence.  We want to be so much more than what we are. We need to have letters after our name so we seek and broadcast all our accreditation to buff us up so we don’t feels so empty.

That is how I feel – so insignificant.

Yes sir we are! We live such boring lives, and try to establish some profound, deeper meaning to our existence, when really we are petty, shallow-minded and a slave to desire.

I can see that although I have never put words to it before.

Or we are always wanting to be entertained, taken out of our mediocre, boring lives.

My life is boring. Don’t get me wrong – I have done a lot with my life and I am thankful but it all seems to be so heartless. Nothing brings me real satisfaction. I seem to spend my life just active to be active. I feel that I am really running, but don’t know what from.

Yourself sir!

How do you mean? I have a good job, wife, kids, I meet my responsibilities but it is not enough. I want something more but don’t know what!

Yes sir, thought in its very nature creates an ego or self and that self is our existence. As it moves it is always comparing, judging, and evaluating and therefore creates a division between you and your life. That division is the movement of pleasure and pain which is what self is. It is nothing more than a movement of pleasure and pain. We or self are that movement and that movement also keeps itself going and creates a sense of void. That deep void within, being the product of self, is where most human beings are caught. This is the prison humanity is caught in. This is his burden, the source of all his confusion. He is always trying to cover it up and in doing so creates conflict. He rejects any other possible way to live. He is in conflict with himself, because thought divides him against himself. It breaks us up into parts of thought, feeling and action. It is the source of all human anxiety sir. To act out of thinking in the world of technology is the only place for thought to act. Any other place, thought is a burden.  In the matter if relationship and of the heart thought has little place, only to communicate. That is all!

It is true that I am lost! That is the feeling of have.

Yes sir, most of humanity is lost. Lost in the vain pursuits of religion, making money, acquiring something to show others and our self we are someone. And for all this we will go to war! Always creating deeper anxiety for all sir!

This has been so helpful. I thought all these things were locked inside and no words to get them out. Why do I feel so much better, when I think I just looked at how ugly I am.

Sir, the truth acts, it is the thing that sets us free. Right sir?

I must come to your discussion in Toronto. Thank you.

No problem sir!

Coach Bri

I was thinking about what you have said at Friday night group, and I had a flash of what I think may be that order you were talking about. What I saw was that I have been raised in a so-called religious home. But when I think of all the external control applied by my parents I feel that the level of criticism that I received and now practice on my family is what you say is my disorder. I think I see this. My son acts out of his disorder and I add to it. Do I have this correct?

What is the disorder you practice on your son?

Well, it is the same as I practiced on my husband! That anger and frustration!

Yes but are you not the anger and frustration, which is the fact of your disorder?

Yes, so what do I do now? Practice internal psychology, right?

So what do you do in your anger and frustration?

As you have said a thousand times, I choose a behavior that kills the relationships so I am caught in the thinking mode and I have to act it out on someone.

Can you see that choosing a predisposed position is one action that again reinforces the thinking process and external psychology?

I don’t follow that! Do you mean that practicing an internal psychology is also part of disorder?

No, I don’t think you can willfully practice an internal psychology.

I don’t understand. Can you make it clearer?

One must come to terms with something!

And that something is?

Your brain, my brain, is caught in a web called consciousness. It is made up of a self and every person has a self. Self is a product of memory, which is caught in time because self is a product of experience.

Ok I get that! Self is a group of experiences that I gather in the brain as memory. But I have a sense that I have aged and am wiser now than I was 10 years ago!

Yes but you’re not!

How do you know that?

You just have more knowledge about your self but you are still caught in your animal instincts and sustain them by using thought.

Okay I am more sustaining now than I was when I was 20.

Yes, true, but that is proof your not wiser!

I don’t get this then!!

Yes I know! Look at it! Or don’t look – the choice is yours.

No I want to look at it! It is just you piss me off so much.

Yes I know!

See! So you’re doing it on purpose!

No! You are angry now with me, right? Or your son or husband right?

Yes! Yes!

Who is it that is angry?

My self at your self!

So is your self different from your anger?

Yes, there is anger then there is me, my self acting out the anger!

What if you is anger!

Me is anger? I don’t get that.

You see, external control psychology has built the self out of memory. Self is a bundle of memory stored in the brain called self.

Okay, I see that and I guess it sounds right!

This sense of self is formed from the outside!
If I asked you, who you are, you would say what?

That I am me!

And who is you!

I would say I am a Canadian, a mother, a wife!

Yes and where did you learn that?

I guess from my parents!

Yes, but partly from your environment or society.

Okay!

And that is external from you!

What do you mean by that, “external from you”?

Well, you were conditioned to think you are Canadian.

I am a Canadian!

Yes, when you accept who you are governed by the external thinking. If you were born in the same place 500 years ago, would you still be a Canadian?

Of course I would!

Canada didn’t exist as Canada 500 years ago. The land did but not the conditioning called Canada.

Yes, I see what you’re driving at! How about my beliefs?

They are all put in you then you modify them to suit your experience.

Yes, but I have a belief about the universal energy and reincarnation! That is real!

Real yes, but untrue.

What do you mean? It is true to me. I live by it!

Yes each person lives according to his own belief! But why? Why is believing so important to us? To you or any human being?

Because it gives life meaning?

Okay, how? It only gives you a sense of false security!

Look I believe what I believe and I have the … damn…

Right to! And that right gives one a sense of security, no?

And what is wrong with feeling secure?

Well isn’t the demand for security a sign of insecurity!

Okay I think I see that?

Think you see that? Isn’t every problem you have with your husband and son you looking for security and if they only did what you said, lived how you want them to, there would be no conflict?

Yes okay, I see it! I see it! I get it!

What is it you get?

When I have problems with them we are in conflict and I see I’m the source of that conflict. I get that when my belief is there for them my self is there. The feeling of anger and frustration is the self, which is me in action.

Yes, now what can you do about that?

I don’t know? My life is this!

Yes it is! Now can I see that trying to change in any way is to avoid my inner ugliness and the fact that me, anger, frustration is all one clump of self or ego. So if I try to do anything to self, to change, is the wrong approach. This is self judging self, trying to get out of self, which strengthens self!

You know I think I do that! Strange as it is! That is my life.

Okay, so see the fact and remain with the fact that the self-centered movement is one movement. Fear is self, hurt is self etc. You can’t do anything about it. If you do you are creating more conflict. If you are willing to end all conflict, self and its beliefs no longer fuel external psychology and one comes upon a deep movement not the product of the self. That movement brings order and that order is a new beginning.

I have lots to think about! Thank you!!!

You’re welcome.

Coach bri

Welcome. I’m Brian. How can I be of use?

Hi. You spoke at our center on relationships and I have just gone through a terrible time with my husband and from what you said I think I am to blame for some of our problems. I felt very upset after you talked but I also felt some relief. It seemed to bring some understanding to my situation. My husband was there and he came over and apologized after your talk. He had tears in his eyes and I have never seen him cry, ever. And I mean ever.

How long have you been married?

Eighteen years with two kids and a dog!

So what brings you to talk today?

Well, he and my brother’s ex wife had an affair.

I see. How did you hear about it?

He told me! He was very straight up about it about a week after it happened. He told me at breakfast. After he said “I took out the garbage honey “, he added, “By the way, I should tell you I have done something really bad”. So that was that. Like he broke my favorite vase or something.

What did you do?

Nothing, until he told me who it was, then I was very silent. Till I called you.

So you haven’t talked a lot since? How does that feel?

No so good!

What have you been thinking about?

Just how things in our life are just the same, we even sleep in the same bed. In fact, I hate to admit it but it is better now than it has been in a long time.

Okay, that’s good that it’s better, but better than what? No one comes to a counselor after an affair to tell them they how found marital bliss!

It is far from bliss but I did say it was better.

Better than what?

All the fighting we were doing! His demands, my demands, nothing new!

Nothing new maybe but was your marriage working before the affair?

No! Same old, same old that married couples feel I guess.

It’s not the same old same old now is it?

No!

So what is it?

Well it is kinda exciting, not the affair part but for some reason I feel shocked and more attracted to him again! Does that sound crazy? Like I’m shocked he did it! But it kinda makes me rethink things. I’m crazy, maybe stressed out or something.

I don’t think you’re crazy. Far from it!

Have you had this before?

People have affairs for all kinds of reasons but in every case I have worked with, they are a sign of unmet needs in a relationship.

I don’t think we had any unmet needs in ours.

You said earlier that you feel you have some part in that relationship. Can you talk about that?

I’m just a bitch I guess is the best way to describe it. I never kinda speak very nice to him. We have grown apart maybe; we just don’t do anything together.

How do you feel about that?

That’s the strange thing – it never did before the affair but now I don’t like who I am with him and our marriage is not too good.

Just a minute, your marriage wasn’t good before the affair. You weren’t happy about it.

How do you know that?

Well, you said you didn’t treat him well, and that you were a bitch! Do you think happy people are bitchy?

No I guess not!

So after the affair what changed about you?

I wasn’t the same old bitch!

So how do you feel about that?

I feel better; I really dumped on him a lot!

How?

Nagging I guess, because he wouldn’t listen to me!

Would you want to talk to someone who is always nagging you?

No I guess not! But he’s the one that had the affair! It’s not my fault!!

When he came up to you and said sorry and had tears in his eyes, what did you think?

I thought he loved me and he was sorry!

Sorry for what?

Well he told me that night!

What did he tell you?

That he’s sorry for not being there for me and he just can’t fight anymore!

Okay, so do you believe him?

Yes! Yes I do?

And the affair?

I know her. She a drinker and always liked him and she threw herself at him!

Do you know that for sure?

No and I don’t want to know!

Why not?

It’s happened, it’s over and he feels bad enough. I can see that and I know what she’s like. Do you think I can make it work?

Hell girl, you have a pretty good approach to all this but a marriage is two people willing to make it work.

So you don’t think this is strange, and I’m losing it?

No. What matters is how you see it and what you want and what you’re willing to do to have a better marriage and I think I can help you guys.

Well, he wanted to come and see you but I need to come first. I wanted to know I was okay.

I think this is one of those times when an affair can help people to choose to have a better marriage. And I think you’re on the right track. Would you both be able to come and see me together?

Yes I would like that!

Good, so would I.

He went to a doctor before and he gave him some pills for depression, but my husband wouldn’t take them. After he heard you talk he felt he had made the right choice, even though he thought his depression made him have an affair.

No I don’t think depressed people do that! I haven’t seen any anyway.

Thanks again. Can I come back next week?

Sure. Talk to your husband and we will set up a time.

Coach bri

It was a still night. All the earth was asleep and even in the winter the streets held their own enchantment. It was a good time to get out and walk the streets of Varna, this small town with only a few streets.  The shops were all closed and Christmas was the theme in the few windows. There was a dusting of snow from the early evening that seemed to warm the ground. But now, well past midnight in that absolute stillness, the brain was fighting to keep thinking and the mind was watching thought interfere with perception. Eventually thought had no place, and vulnerability and strength were in everything.  The softness of the streetlight seemed to light millions of tiny diamonds as the ground took on a delicate shimmer of waves. The cars that approached from the distance broke the enchantment of the evening like thoughts that enter perception and kill one’s mood.  As they passed the evening slowly returned to its own stillness from the intruder. One could watch the lights for miles and the darkness seem to swallow the vehicles.

Christmas was only a few days away, the children would all be home and I felt the ache for those who had no one. The rich, the poor, the war torn places and all the indifference caused by humanity could not touch that stillness. It was unconcerned with humankind because it had no place for selfishness of any kind. The religious, the politicians, the false hope of The Secret and the born again would all tremble in its presence. To be nothing inwardly, to have no defense linked to any idea of how oneself or anyone else should live or be is freedom. That stillness has no cause, whereas Christmas and all the holidays of any religion, however sacred, are caused by the thinking of humankind. These holidays are invented by man to build a path to that stillness. But the stillness demands to be without ego, or self, which is tradition.

Humankind’s greatest tradition is to form a self and it splits into a trillion self-offerings, each self a false sense of security. People break relationship whenever their process of living become more or less than anyone else’s.  People getting together for Christmas or anytime is great if relationship with compassion is directing the interactions. Only here are people safe! For many people Christmas is a time to get stoned or pissed, to cover up the pain of the memories of unmet needs of Christmases past.  Try to remain clean and get close to the people in your life you’re disconnected from. Reach out to those who are hurting but do it clean and sober. Drugs we invented for the unhappy by the unhappy and you were one born without them and lived happier than you are now.

The evening was so clear and open. I took my time and walked back to my house to a warm fire and cozy chair. I sat there for some time until  sleep over took me.

Merry Christmas.

Coach bri

He was a middle aged man in good shape. He had a very friendly demeanour and appeared to have lot on confidence in himself and his abilities. He wore a suit and tie and appeared to have lots on money. He and his wife of twenty-three years had built a business together and now thing were falling apart.  He had seen his doctor and two others regarding his inability to maintain an erection. Two of the doctors gave him information on the physiology of the male erection and a prescription for some medication.  The other said that he wasn’t sure but felt it might be psychological but he was not qualified in that area and suggested he see a colleague, a psychiatrist. He had an appointment and went and felt that what the psychiatrist talked to him about was basically nonsense. He had heard about me from the radio and he thought he would give me a chance. He was deeply bothered by his problem and felt that he was letting his wife down.

Sir, may I ask you a question? You built your business with your wife and you did it together, right sir? You felt needed, did you not?

Yes of course. We discussed it all together. I would work the back end and she worked the front. We were a good team!

And now sir?

Well she wants to move on and sell the business and do something else!

So where does that leave you sir?

Well nowhere, and that is what I don’t understand. She has always been an inclusive person.

Since when?

I guess this has come to the surface in about the last eight months to a year.

What has happened since then?

The relationship between her and my son is very strained.

What is strained?

Let’s say they don’t see eye to eye! He rarely comes home on the weekend because all they do is fight!

And when this is all going on what are you doing?

I support my wife. I feel he gets out of hand too and is just rude!

Rude? How?

He just is disrespectful and doesn’t appreciate anything we do for him.

So how do you treat him in that situation?

Well we just don’t do anything for him!

So you just back off!

Yes totally!

What is totally?

Well, we don’t drive him anywhere or pick him up. We let him fend for himself. In the mornings we don’t talk because it always ends up in a huge fight and his mood effects everyone. I’m not going to take that from anyone.

So what do you want from your son?

I want him to be closer to us and treat us well.

So how is pulling away helping?

I’m not going to be anyone’s doormat! Nor am I going to ask my wife to be!

Okay so how important is your relation with your son?

It’s very important!

How important is your wife’s relationship to your son?

I think it’s the most important thing in the world!

More important than you?

No doubt about that!

So if she is unhappy with your son and feels a lack of meaning and purpose in her life, what is the chance she wants out of the business?

Is it possible she is not aware of that?

You know her better than I do. What do you think?

It is very possible! So you think that this not getting an erection has something to do with my wife and my son?

Well, indirectly perhaps. You see, when human beings aren’t satisfied with our present relationships, we say and do all kinds of things that sometimes disconnects us even more but we don’t realize it.

How does this fit in to me not getting it up?!

Are you pissed with your wife!

Damn right I am!!!

For what?

For kicking me out of her life! That’s what! She’s a fucking bitch for doing this to me.

Doing what to you?

Marriage is a partnership and she’s angry at our son and taking it out on me!

She’s hurt and choosing to disconnect from you.

Why can’t I get it up?

Is it possible you’re angry with her?

Yes.

What happens if you’re hurt, can you have sex with a person who is hurting you?

No, I can’t.

So how do you get back at her?

I’m not not getting it up on purpose!

I don’t think you are either! But if you’re hurt and feel she doesn’t need you it’s going to be difficult to feel sexual.

I think you’re right!

No sir, you see the truth of what is being said. A pill won’t hurt. Most men need these pills to cover up their hurt and pain.

So I’m not the only one?

You know you’re not sir! These erection drugs are harming our natural intelligence sir! And we will pay for the harm they will do!

Yes I know. If you read the disclaimer on it you wonder why anyone would ever take them.

That is easy sir! Living in the darkness, pleasure and the avoidance of pain is going to rule. This state you are in is giving you a chance to wake up sir! The choice is yours!

So what do I do?

Sir, tell the truth of your hurt, and just listen to her sir and listen to your son! It sounds like he is in deep trouble and can’t see it.

This has been very enlightening. Thank you

Yes sir, for the both of us! Thank you!

Coach bri

In our last session we discussed how thought plays such a large roll in creating and maintaining our problems.   You were very clear about this regarding fear of death. I can’t seem to remember what it was you said but it did scare the crap out of me! Now things keep coming back to me that we discussed.

Thinking is always on the move, looking to keep itself alive through activity. Thinking about something is thought’s occupation. It is always moving and when one watches or pays attention to thought it slows down. When one gives one’s whole attention to thought it ceases. It is like when you are in a car crash and things seem to happen in slow motion. Most of us only know the release from thought through some activity, competition, or adrenaline rush. If one uses concentration to quiet thought, it is freedom from and therefore a process of exclusion. Thought doesn’t want to end, and its primary directive is to find in some religious, political, or personal belief a place where it is permanent and secure. Thought creates all kinds of beliefs and material processes because it is itself a material process.

The chemical nature of thought is moving in an irrational pattern when it is used beyond the technical boundaries of its intended function. Where human relationship is concerned thinking is a mess. It creates groups of people and the illusion that we are separate beings in separate lands. Thought has created all the psychological problems of disconnection, fear, jealousy, hatred, greed, loneliness etc. Thought also creates the external psychology that most people practice to deal with there disconnected state only inflicting more damage and disconnection.  Thought creates the problem of disconnection and then tries to be the remedy to change it. You can’t use cancer to kill a cancer without creating the same result.

Our greatest challenge as human beings is to question everything that thought creates to make us better people, more loving etc. Thought is a movement that is caught in time.  Fear, jealousy, greed, and hatred are products of time because they are things we learn. Love and compassion are not the rooted in thought. They are another movement that is truly internal. Self is fear, jealousy, greed, hatred and is put into you by others. Where these are, love and compassion are not. To love another and reject someone else is not love.
Death is the ending of self and self is terrified of it own ending.  In the ending of thought one is no longer seeing through the eyes of time and one’s own limits. Then one is free and what is free is not held in the confines of death.

Coach bri

It was a beautiful October morning and as I stepped onto the street one could smell the freshness of the day. The sun on the multi-colored leaves gave the appearance that death was a beautiful thing. The leaves that give life to the tree had served their purpose and now, with the coming winter, it was time for them to die and for the tree to go deep into itself and rest from the busy summer. As I walked across the road to my car, the contrast of colors between the asphalt that was dark and rich and the fallen leaves was breathtaking. As I slowly made my drive to the office and the beaches, Toronto never looked so beautiful.

He greeted me with a handshake that was limp and tired. His eyes were weary, but engaging. As he sat in the chair he was rather anxious, and waiting for his turn to speak. He carried with him at burden of persecution, and as he spoke one could see that he was well rehearsed and caught in the drama of his own making.

Well, what would you like to talk about this morning?

My friend gave me your number and told me that you could probably help me. He speaks very highly of you but I must say I don’t think or believe that you know about mental illness. My friend perhaps has misinterpreted you, but I already notice you are not that professional by your appearance.

I guess I’m glad you didn’t run away then when you saw me!

Sorry I don’t really mean to be rude but this is one of my problems as I think I suffer from Tourette’s. My friend also told me that you think that mental illness is a choice and not a chemical deficiency in people’s brains. How can you even comment on these things when I don’t believe you are a doctor! I have seen many psychiatrists and therapists before, and none of them have ever had an approach like yours.

Okay you’ve seen a lot of psychiatrists and therapists. Did you find them effective? Did they work for you?
I think they did but there are some good ones and some bad ones!

So how do you know a psychiatrist or therapist is a good one and how do you know they’re a bad one?

While the real good ones understand me they also provide me with medication to help me manage my depression. And the bad ones don’t listen well or understand my illness.

So you suffer from depression, how longing have you been depressing?

I have been this way since I’ve been a teenager. My parents told me that I have always been this way as a child. I used to be on Ritalin for hyperactivity and attention deficit disorder, as well as some manic phases.

So may I ask you a question?

You might not like my answer!

Why wouldn’t I like your answer if it’s the truth? Isn’t that the only thing that matters?

That is a trick question! Are you talking your truth or my truth?

Surely if it is your truth or my truth it must be false!

I disagree with you. So you’re telling me that there’s absolute truth?

Sir, I have asked you a simple question: What determines a good psychiatrist or therapist from a bad one?

I’m not sure of your question, but I do know that I have seen a lot of professional people and few are very good at their jobs.

If they were good at their jobs how would that impact you?

Well they would listen to me, and I would be more effective in dealing with my mental illness.

So how come you’re not going to one of those effective people to help you with your mental illness now?

Because my friend said you have helped him so much. So I thought I would come and give it a try even though I disagree with you completely.

Okay, so what is it that I can help you with today?

Well my whole life is a mess! I used to be a person that could really do a lot of things and since I have been on medication I seem to have lost desire to do anything lately.

How long is lately?

I would say approximately 15 or 16 years!

That’s a long time Timothy. Can I call you Timothy?

You can just call me Tim, Timothy sounds so formal and besides, that’s what my parents call me and I hate it!!!

Okay Tim it is. So Tim, lately has been a long time. What happened 15 or 16 years ago when your life seem to get out of whack?

My parents were very disappointed in my performance at high school and I got shipped off to do another school, which was private. I hated it there but it was nice to get away from the control of my parents. After I was at that school for about six months I was able to function quite well. My marks were high, I was on a disciplined program and my parents started to look like idiots because they couldn’t find any problems with me.

That is amazing! So what happened next?

My parents demanded that I come home and then my whole life fell apart again, I went to a normal school, did a normal thing like have a girlfriend, but my parents didn’t want me to have a girlfriend.

So then what did you do Tim?

Well from there it’s been downhill. My parents were always forcing me to do what they wanted me to do and if I didn’t then I’d go back to that school which they took me from in the first place where I was doing fine because they’re assholes.

Are they still living now, your parents?

Yes they are, but we are not on very good terms!

What do you mean by not very good terms?

They don’t agree with all a lot of my lifestyle. They are always coming up with things that I have to do, so I just choose to ignore them.

Is ignoring them making your life any better?

Well it’s better than it’s ever been.

What’s better than it’s ever been?

My relationship with my parents!

What’s good about it?

Well they finally have learned to leave me alone! But every time I see them they go over the same problems, which basically is, what I’m going to do for the rest of my life … doing their “how will I survive in life” … all the regular bullshit!

Tim, what in your life is going really well for you right now? Do you work or volunteer, play sports, a member of any clubs?

I worked periodically once I was finished at University. Over the past eight or ten years I don’t last as a job very long.

And may I ask why is that?

Well my mental illness keeps getting in the way!

How so Tim?

Well isn’t it obvious? Look at how nervous I am – look my hands and how raw they are – I scratch them all the time. I’m always anxious about things. I hate the fact that most people you work with are always so bossy.

Tim, in the last seven or eight years, how many jobs have you actually had?

Well that’s the thing. I can’t remember how many. That’s one thing about the medication I’m on – it really affects my memory. But I would say quite a few.

Have you ever had a job that you really enjoyed and you did well at?

Yes I remember working at a public library as a librarian and I really enjoyed cataloging books and sometimes I even got to fix books. I really liked the job! There were a few people there who were part-time and I just couldn’t get along with. They didn’t understand my mental illness.

What about your mental illness didn’t they understand?

I don’t think you’re very observant as a therapist. Can’t you see the way I am? Can’t you see how nervous I am? Look, I’m a wreck!!! Obviously you don’t have the experience to help a person like me!

Okay, so help me little here. What about your mental illness didn’t they understand?

They didn’t understand the fact that I don’t like to be told what to do. I also have oppositional disorder! Are you familiar with that?

Tim, my understanding is you don’t like to be told what to do!

Well who likes to be told what to do? I get very upset!

Did you ever have a relationship with a person that you really liked that lasted for a few months or more?

Yes of course. I have had a girlfriend before, once for 18 months!

Did she ever tell you what to do?

Not very often!

So when she told you what to do, did you get upset with her?

While not at first but towards the end of our relationship I started to get very upset. I just couldn’t control myself, my mental illness was full-blown!

So let me get this straight: in the beginning part of your relationship when she used to tell you what to do, it didn’t get you upset. So why do you think that is?

Well I was just getting to know her and I really liked her!

So when you’re around people that you really like how often is your mental illness full-blown?

I don’t like what you’re insinuating right now but it’s pretty clever of you!

So how do you think I’m being clever?

Well what you’re really saying to me is when I’m around people I like I don’t have mental illness!

Well I don’t know about that Tim but I do know one thing: when we get along with people in our life the way we want to and need to, we seem to be happier. When people are happier I think we don’t choose behaviors that get in our way of getting along with people.

I think that’s crap! I’ve been struggling with my depression for about ten years now and it’s real to me. You’re just like another therapist that I saw. She told me that I was playing a lot head games with her.

Tim I don’t know if you were playing head games with her not. I can’t comment on that relationship with her but I do know this: when we’re miserable and we can’t get along with people in our life the way we want to and need to, we can choose not to be in our right mind.

That’s a bunch of bullshit! You’re telling me that I am choosing to compulsively rub my hands, compulsively wash my hands, to get so depressed that I can’t even get out of bed and that I get bouts of uncontrolled swearing.
Tim, when was the last time you’ve really been happy in your life?

I would say when I was back at school, college I guess.

Tell me about that Tim.

Well I was really doing what I like to do. I was working part time at the library at the University and then I met another student who was also working at the library and I guess I fell in love.

How much of your mental illness showed up when you’re in love?

You don’t understand. At that point I was just put on lithium and it really helped me to balance my life!

Tim let me ask you a question that I need a real honest answer! I’m going to assume that your mental illness showed up again towards the end of your relationship!

Well of course it did. As my body had adjusted to the lithium again, my mental illness showed itself again!

Okay so when did this mental illness exactly show up?

Well that’s easy. It started about a year and a half after Jennifer started working at the Robarts library.

So what happened then to Jennifer at the Robarts library?

Well nothing happened!

Well what changed in your relationship with Jennifer?

Nothing she just got busier and busier!

What was your response to her getting busier and busier?

I tried to talk to her about it and told her that I missed her and she said that she thought that we needed to take a break for a while!

How did you respond to her wanting to take a break for a while?

She didn’t like it and because my mental illness started to come back, and I mean real strong, worse than it’s ever been! She made some promises she couldn’t keep!

And what of those promises look like?

Well she understood how depressed I get and she promised to spend more time with me. She fucking lied to me. The fucking holing bitch! See my Tourette’s, sorry! Sorry! Sorry! I think I need to take a break right now!

Tim if you don’t mind I’d like to continue?

Well I’m not going to be responsible for my actions if we do!

Tim I want to teach you something! But it’s going to be difficult? Did anyone else come in the picture for Jennifer, any other interested person? (Tim jumped up from his seat and began to pace back and forth and he quickly sat down stood up and started to tap on the wall with his fingers he repeatedly and did this several times for about 20 minutes) Tim I need you to sit down if you can but if you can’t and do not want to continue talking with me that’s okay.

In a very deep voice from his gut he blurted out: The fucking ah, the fucking .. here we go… Roger!

When you knew you were losing her did you try to control her with your mental illness?

I did no such fucking thing! Do you think I am a fucking idiot! Who the fuck are you anyway? Bite me you fucking son of the bitch!

Tim you don’t seem depressed right now. It looks like you’re feeling angry.

I’m angry all right! Especially when you think I’m faking all this!

You’ve got me wrong Tim. I don’t feel you’re faking anything but I do think you’re choosing!

And why the hell would I do that? Rat Roger Fucker!!!!

Well I think you loved her and you’re angry at yourself because you blew it!

Well of course I blew it … Fucking Roger that! I want the fuck out of here!

You can leave if you want to Tim. We can get together next week if you want.

I don’t think so!

Well that’s okay with me. It’s up to you!

That’s okay with me that’s okay with me that’s okay with me!!!!!!!

You’ve got a lot to think about Tim. I think you’ve come a long way and I really think I could help you but it’s going to be difficult. But if you’re up for the challenge I’d love to see you again. Why not call me a couple days see how you feel and then decide!

Well according to you, if I have no mental illness I should be able to be to decide right now!

That’s up to you. If you want to tell me you don’t want to come and see me next week that’s fine but if you change your mind, give me a call. Thanks for coming in.

Yeah see ya. Roger Fucking Roger

He left quite abruptly. Two days later he called for another appointment.

Coach bri

She came in and was rather nervous. The load she was carrying was heavy, but she was strong and able to speak her mind. As she spoke, tears streamed down her face in silver lines. She was crying from her guts now, and I sat quietly and just felt her pain. She had suffered long and hard under the humiliation of a man who resents her for her womanhood. Her husband was like most men who need women, yet resent the fact that the woman doesn’t need him, and as she talked she was touching the heart of darkness between all men and women. I wanted so much to hold her and so much to touch her heart and lift her burden. I wanted to show her that happiness is her right and any man that doesn’t respect her happiness as much as his own is a bully and a tyrant. I spent several hours with her listening and allowing her to get it all out. It was the hardest thing to do because I too am this man. He is but an extreme example on my own conditioning and I felt exposed and unraveled. Men have been programmed to make sex the connecting tool to satisfy their sense of meaning and purpose in relation to women. Men who are raised in situations of conformity, criticism, and humiliation as a means of parenting grow into bullies. As teenagers they find their first experience with being loved and expect it from the first time, through the love of a woman. Then his controlling behaviors come out, and they always do when another male or interest the girlfriend has is seem. He feels insecure, giving rise to jealousy and he becomes possessive, and insistent on her conforming to his wishes. These behaviors happen in different degrees but women need to be aware of men who get jealous or possessive because they often make terrible husbands. As parents these men try to control their daughters or provide for them well but threaten them with removal or punishment by relinquishing things that they provide.

Threats are the choice of bullies, and they use them as a means to control others. The sad thing is that they quickly destroy the relationship by pushing people into different camps, creating wars between people.

This woman was at war and the war was being raged on her by a man who has no insight into himself, let alone into how to have a relationship with a women. These men are all about control, and humiliation through sexual demands or financial control. Men do this because they attack the core of the woman’s being, which is often their children. When what they want is not fulfilled, they go after their partner’s womanhood by taking their frustration out on their children or her home. So women suffer in silence, submitting, which reinforces the bullying behaviors and degrading her sense of integrity. With her integrity destroyed it is very hard to empower change. The word integrity means integrated and whole. When our core purpose for living in harmed and we are unable to behave in a way that creates remedies because of a bully, fear is awakened. You can’t love anything you fear, the two never go together. If only bullies could get that.

Coachbri