The worst parents are those who, when young, party their brains out, drive under the influence, and get caught up in all kinds of mischief. Then, when they have teens, they insist their children don’t do as they did, or worse, they try to hide it from them, or tell them they have been through all that and now know better so they better listen. This is an indication of the lack of relationship and our self-centered view of life.

In all situations dealing with children, compassion is the only movement that brings into view the leadership and guidance needed to grow character.

Children are taught to be bullies as a reaction to their forced conformity. This sets in motion the process of entitlement and leads to their reluctance and mediocrity, where video games, drugs and booze are the only place where they find refuge.

Kids need more relationship in the form of human contact, where they direct the process and learning, as caregivers determine the outcome.

Our schools must be a place where kids learn about relationship before anything else. Without relationship whatever they learn will act as a poison that builds their self-interest and will not nurture their talents. Education is the process of drawing out our gifts and sharing them with the world, while not oppressing anyone else’s gifts.

Coach bri

I am often asked by teachers, “What are some of the things that I can do to continue what you’re doing in my class?” This is a very difficult question to answer because they’re not me and I’m not them. But what each teacher has to do is to remove all coercion from the classroom. The emphasis of the teacher must be on building a comfortable environment and a healthy relationship with the students. At-risk students are at risk students because of unmet needs in their life. The unmet needs that they have experienced (which most are unaware of) flow out of the poor relationships in their lives with their parents and other adults. If you come from a family where mom and dad who didn’t have good parenting skills (for those lucky enough to have a mom and dad), then this sets the ground for trouble.

Many at-risk youth that I deal with are disconnected from the thoughts, feelings and behaviors in their relationships. Often the behaviors they use as a defense are the same ones practiced by their parents because of their ineffective relationships with their children. You often hear these students say that they are picked on; this sense of being picked on comes from a perception that the world is a hostile place. Because of this sense of hostility, they are just trying to survive and therefore are not really accountable for their behavior. The second defense used by kids is often blame. Blame is used so that a person doesn’t have to be responsible for their actions. Another popular defense mechanism for youth at-risk is criticism. Criticizing as a behavior gives the person using the behavior a chance to feel that they have some power in that situation. Therefore many at-risk students use criticism as a way of hurting others to protect themselves. Really it is the idea that “I will get you before you get me”. Another defense is the defense of the victim. Here the student uses what he does as a tool of revenge to justify his behavior. Keeping it as a justification prevents the person from self-evaluating their destructive behavior. Another defense these at risk students use is denial. This behavior is very difficult to deal with because it doesn’t allow the teacher to process with the student their involvement in the present situation. This prevents the setting of limits needed to keep everybody safe. Another tactic used by at risk youth is withdrawal. Here the person totally shuts down and tunes out and uses their tuning out to avoid the chance of looking at behavioral change or choices within a situation.

These disconnected students practice these external control behaviors and are masters at it. As a matter of fact, they’re so good at it it takes enormous strength and courage to deal with these behaviors in a group setting. All of these behaviors set up by at risk student to engage the teacher in a power struggle. If this is accomplished, conflict will be produced as well as the confirmation that all adults are useless. Teachers need to understand that these troubled students are experts at what they do. By perpetuating disconnected relationships, both the teacher and the student do not have to self-evaluate and look at the choices they are making in the relationship together to get along. What really is happening in the situation of conflict is people have moved away from behaviors that meet their needs. Conflict quickly comes to an end when one person gives up the fight and puts the relationship ahead of the conflict. To become emotional in a situation with a student renders the teacher helpless because they soon become part of the problem.

External control psychology practiced by students in a classroom has four basic premises. The first premise is reacting to information and convincing them that they have no choice. The second premise is when things go wrong, blame others for the miserable way they feel in the learning environment. The third is trying to change the learning environment so that success or ineffectiveness is not tied to the choices that the student is making but rather how the environment isn’t changing for the student. The fourth premise is worked out in the classroom when the teacher tries to use coercion, to tell the student that the teacher knows what’s best for them. The student practices back this fourth premise by trying to convince the teacher that what they’re teaching is useless to them and, more importantly, not worth knowing. When any of these four premises are practiced in the classroom (and I believe many times they are), the environment becomes a battleground. Teachers spend most of their time trying to put out fires in relationships and less time teaching.

What I was discussing was violence at school and we discussed the latest shooting in Finland, I asked the class how they felt about it. One young man replied he thought the whole thing was hysterical. He was quickly challenged by his peers and criticized heavily for saying what he said. This disconnected youth was a master at setting up conflicts within the classroom as a means to satisfy his need for power. Not taking the information personally, I asked this student to describe to me what was hysterical about the situation. As soon as he had the floor he used the behavior of withdrawing to set up the next power struggle. When the youth saw that I was interested in what he thought because he thought it and wasn’t interested in criticizing him for what he thought, he had a difficulty dealing with the information. He didn’t know where to go from there. In that situation I rescued the student by saying that in this classroom you can think what you want to think and say what you want to say. I also stated that I’m interested in how you think and also how you feel and whenever you want to share, please feel free to do so.

As I said earlier, these at-risk youth are way better at disconnecting then we are at connecting and that’s what the problem is. My advice to any teacher is to always ind new and better ways to connect with the student. Remove all external psychology from the classroom and create an atmosphere to satisfy the needs. And show kindness and compassion in the most difficult times. At the same time, let the student know what you stand for as a person and what you’re willing to live with, what you’re going to ask them to do and what you will not ask them to do. This is setting limits and boundaries for students. Structure allows the student to find themselves in the classroom, as long as the relationship comes first and the structure second.

Coach bri

Our schools are filled with teachers who, in order to teach their particular subject, do so from this old conditioned perception of life resulting in practicing external control psychology on their students. This only reinforces the madness created by this bullying psychology that destroys the classroom, making it into a minefield of conflict for both teachers and student who don’t have the skills navigate through this relationship minefield.

In the workplace few people love their job or use it as a way to transform their life. For most, a job is just an income, a place to go to relieve the boredom or gather enough money to get the pleasures we seek to mask our indifference to each other. This again is another minefield caused by the beast of external psychology.

If you have children at some point in your life, you must ask hard questions about what kind of world you are bringing these children into. Will they repeat the same old patterns that I did? I thought my life was different than my parents but when I look closely I see it is not. It is perhaps now more violent, more confused and twisted. Now here I have my own kids and the question remains, how do I raise them? The same old way, force them to fit into the economic world, conform to some neurotic religion or some new age believe system or some arrogant Secret, that puts some people up on the pedestal of a latest man’s latest egoism?

Coach bri

Raising children is not an exact science. It is a delicate dance between caregiver and child that sees a swaying and flexing on both sides to make the relationship work. From the very beginning we are communicating and teaching the skill of negotiating. If a baby’s needs are met, the baby will learn to trust. That sets the stage for healthy negotiating between caregiver and child.

Parenting does not have a strict set of rules that works for everyone. A parent has to be aware of their child’s individual needs and respond as supportively as possible to encourage healthy mental, emotional and physical health.

Each child comes with their own personality traits and may have different wants than another child. It is important to be in tune with what they want and attempt to satisfy these by meeting their needs.

Everyone has common needs for survival, love and belonging, fun, freedom, power but parents will discover that the degree to which you meet these will vary with each child depending on their expressed wants.

Since we, as parents have the first influence on our children, we do have a huge responsibility to set the tone for the development of healthy esteem.

Many of us have been raised with a psychology that says ‘father/mother knows best’ where the power balance is fully weighted on the parent’s side. Well internal psychology teaches us that individuals know what is best for them so we need to constantly inquire with our children to understand what they want.

To some degree we as parents do know what keeps a little one safe but you will be utterly amazed how quickly a young human being can make safe and appropriate decisions if you give them the information they need to do so.

If the caregiver can relinquish control and allow the child to have some power in decision making, this will increase the likelihood that the child will have success in achieving their own goals.

Children who are taught from a young age to make decisions and accept the consequences of their actions usually become teenagers who recognize the relationship between their behaviour and the resulting consequences.

The common strategies of disciplining with coercion and punishment are somewhat effective in the short term but will not work in the long run. Children become frustrated and will resist the constant control, just wait until adolescence. A child raised with external control will loudly and clearly show their resistance to the imposed authority.

This may sound very permissive and lacking in control but the truth is none of us control what anyone else does anyway. When caregivers dominate and exert control they encourage power trips between themselves and their children. Threatening and punishing disconnects people and sets up power struggles.

Example 1 – Early Years:
Child likes the nurturance of the bottle and/or soother. The parent feels they shouldn’t use it anymore and sometimes this becomes quite a battle.

If the parent can recognize the baby’s need for soothing himself, then they can teach the child appropriate use of the bottle/soother. If they are concerned about speech development for eg when soother is in the mouth of a toddler, then the parent can tell the little one that if they feel the need to use the pacifier when others are around, then they could go to their room and do so. You can acknowledge to the child that you understand their need and then together with the child set bottle/soother times like bedtime, quiet time, in the car for eg.. Giving the child permission while also teaching them the concerns or risks will allow the child to understand and make good choices.

If anything, we all should be able to understand a child’s desire to nurture themselves. Look at our national obsession to coffee to start our day. We all have vices to comfort us so we should help our children discover what comforts them and allow them to do so.

We teach our children well when we model calm and honest communication.

Through satisfying the needs of children they get a sense of their own worth and because they get a sense that they matter, they see how important their needs are as well as others. By consistently communicating with your children, asking them what they want and discussing ways to achieve this, children learn they have a role in meeting their own needs. This negotiation is critical to developing healthy esteem in children.

Sometimes children, like all of us are faced with the reality that they cannot satisfy a want they have. These experiences provide the opportunity to teach children how to handle frustration, disappointment and anger effectively.

The behaviour one chooses when faced with dissatisfaction can either improve or deteriorate the relationships they are in.

Example 2 – 9 years old:
Child dealing with a divorce of his parents. Child wants family to stay together.

Child cannot control what the adults choose to do but child does control how she reacts. If child chooses anger, acting out and disconnecting.

Explain to child that you understand what they want but their behaviour is not going to satisfy that need. They can be taught that these behaviours actually take them further from what they want which is a feeling of love and belonging with parents.

On the other hand, if the child chooses to discuss her pain, loss and disappointment with the parents, they may still feel loss/pain but their connection with those loved ones is not severed further.

They are negotiating and attempting to meet their needs as best they can under the circumstance.

These 2 examples are only a couple in what will be millions of interactions caregivers and children encounter.

Parenting can be very challenging but rewarding. Using internal psychology as a parent will teach a child from a young age that what they want is okay even if it conflicts with what the parent wants for the child. Not all parents would be comfortable with this philosophy but it is incredible what kind of responsible and reflective person develops from these childrearing practices.

Bonnie

(Bonnie is wife to Coach Bri and mother of their 4 beautiful kids.)

Many times a client comes to see me and talks about having anxiety attacks or panic attacks. The medical world often provides a drug call Ativan and people are told to slip one of these pills under their tongues when they feel an attack coming on and, for a short time, one is released from the pressure. It saddens me to see that so many people believe that their problem is outside of their control and some brain chemical problem. If there is a genocide today that is going unnoticed, it is the millions of people that are on psychotropic medication, for a mental illness. Psychiatrists and pharmaceutical companies have teamed up to give human beings their greatest excuse for not being responsible for their lives. This approach is one in which the authority of psychiatry and drug companies is killing part of us that is creative. If you destroy a person’s creative system it is killing their humanity. Out of the creative system comes all our folly but also all of our triumph. The creative system within a human being is the thing that separates us from the animals. It allows us to behave in ways animals can’t and allows us to have domain over the earth. To give authority over to psychiatrists, who are the priests of the modern age, is to conform through very damaging measures, as these drugs do physical damage to the brain.

Most of the anxiety people suffer from is the direct result of their inability to face their self-centered and thought-created existence. Ponder this for a moment: all anxiety is rooted in fear, and when that fear is alive in your mind you are in a state of panic. Panic attacks are the result of your self coming to terms with all the lies you have created about yourself, your life and others in it. These attacks are like the true part of yourself which, for some reason, can’t hold back your own self deception.

Often religious people who are fundamentalist and/or strong believers try to force other people to believe what they do. These people have every answer based on the religious books they read which, according to them, is the word of God and, of course, the right way to live. They have some hotline to heaven or some guru they worship because that belief system offers them some sort of psychological security. Anxiety is the demand for psychological security, and an indication that what you have built in your mind is nothing but a bunch of sophisticated lies and deceptions put together cleverly because you can’t face the basic human truth that we just don’t know.

People have tried to be secure and therefore attached themselves to all kinds of things: their name, their body, sex, money, their country etc. We are one world, one planet, one people. And every act we do is about connecting or disconnecting from people. Disconnecting because someone has different beliefs from you and of course because you think they are wrong – well not wrong just mislead – is one of the attitudes of anxiety in human beings. When people are told to live their life according to someone else’s standards or dreams, and they follow this because of the need for approval, eventually they will disconnect from these people and anxiety is again fueled. As these people age, they become more and more afraid of death, a true sign that what you have attached your self to is all based on illusion. You are not your money, or the house you own, or your respectability, your religion, or political beliefs, the car you drive or the big shot people you know. How you define yourself creates your anxiety. Whatever you identify with or however you define yourself will in fact cripple you, and will be the source of your anxiety.

Most people who I deal with that suffer from anxiety are attached to some belief system and self-seeking or self-centered activity and know it is destructive and can’t live without it – or so they think! It is like the smoker who is caught by trying to give up smoking. The more they picture giving it up smoking the more anxiety they feel and therefore smoke more because of their anxiety of being without the thing that covers up the pain of loneliness. They seldom or never look at the truth of what is really going on. Smoking is something they are attached to and this attachment is the result of the pain of not being able to be genuine and stay connected to people they want and need, often first when they were beginning adolescence.

Anxiety is something that is in us for a good reason: it is a clue that our life is off track, that something is wrong with what we are doing, or thinking. The feeling of anxiety, like all other feelings, has a purpose and that purpose is to let us know that what is going on in our life is not working well. Anxiety is giving us a clue and asking us to look at the state we are in and do some honest self evaluation.

This of course is miles away from most psychiatry because most people want to be evaluated by the shrink or therapist, who is supposed to activate the creative system and evaluate you. Think of it for just a moment and you will see the truth of the core of anxiety: You are troubled and our conditioning is to go to some expert and have them evaluate you. If you’re the one with the problem, don’t you think it is wise to evaluate yourself? If we have a good friend, is this not part of the reason they are our good friend, because when we have a problem they don’t evaluate us, they listen? Our friend is not the one who needs to be creative and solve what their anxiety is trying to teach them.

So many people today have these psychological problems called mental illness that their creative systems have produced because that is what creative systems do. If we can’t remain close to the people we want and need in our lives or we can’t control other people we want to because controlling other people is a way to feel powerful and connected (even though it is a false connection and damaging connection), we often cover our anxiety through depression. Depression is having no energy for anything. It is a total and powerful way of shutting down. It is so powerful in fact that people come running to the person’s aid and again the illusion starts to slowly build up again. They are people who are so anxious that they control the workplace with all their ailments, their “bi-polarness”, or some other mental illness. It’s epidemic – these poor people who have given their lives over to drugs and experts, to avoid self evaluation.

Even in our schools, where kids needs are not met because parents have little education on how to have a relationship with there child, they have produced a mental disorder called ADHD. You see the kid is wild, full of anxiety because his needs are not met. He feels unloved, and parents can’t set limits because they are so anxious themselves from their own attachments and poor relationships. And the school can’t teach them because the material is more important than the child, so again more confirmation that the child has the problem, not our ability to connect with him. So the school and the parents says they are not the problem and we get the kid on meds. Wow, giving kids Ritalin, which is ‘Speed’, because the kid has a brain problem – what a pack of lies! Parents and professionals giving drugs to kids because of their inability to look after there own child because of their own self-centered anxiety.

People are so anxious today that smoking a joint and ‘chilling’, which is just self-medicating, is a huge way many people deal with anxiety, from what I hear. Well, I think that life and our potential is something wonderful and people can smoke all the joints they want. I feel that for a human being to be whole, he or she must be free. That wholeness can not be satisfied by thought or anything that thinking puts together. Thinking is at the very root of anxiety and therefore action that is about breaking the illusions about how we are living is the call from anxiety. The more you are not listening to the truth in you, the more you feel anxiety. Happiness is a state of mind that is a product of freedom. To be free we must look at ourselves and remove what is false. Anything is false that demands that someone should be living according to someone else’s standards or live someone else’s dream. The false is knowing what is best for other people. The false is thinking you’re the car you drive or the job you have. The false is being so attached to people that you can’t live without them. The false is mistreating people, thinking you’re better than they are. The false is having what we have, while others have not.

Anxiety is something we all have because we are so full of ourselves and do not do enough for others unless of course they put up a plaque and say this was donated by so and so. We do the good thing and then have bragging rights, not seeing the value of just giving and not getting anything back. Anxiety is what you get back when your life is all about you and your own inability to grow as a person. Growth you choose often is not growth. Growth that happens because you forget yourself and get close to a person and love without demands is part of freedom. In that freedom, anxiety is not!

Coach bri

Well, first of all what is the meaning of the word education?

I am not sure but it has latin roots I think!

Yes it does. It means to draw out.

I remember that. It struck me as been rather odd.

Yes we spend a lot of time trying to ram things into the heads of students, who, for whatever reason, see no or little value in what teachers like you are trying to ram in their heads! Do you see the fact of this ?

Well we have to cover the currriculum you know.

But if you were a student, would you listen to you and what you are teaching?

I guess only some of it. The rest doesn’t really touch their life.

So in your mind, what do you feel is the most important thing in a class room?

That is easy – that I am in control of the kids in the class!

So when you teach, how do you start the lesson?

This is the problem. I can’t get to the lesson because I can’t control the kids, it takes me about 30 minutes to get things going. By this time I am so angry that I would like to string them all up!

So when they refuse to coooperate with you, what do you do ?

I talk nice first or pay attendion to the ones who listen a little bit. The others I just say forget it, what is the piont, I let then sit there. Sometimes I even yell at a couple of them, then if they don’t smarten up, I kick them out.

So what kind of class do you want to have?

A class where the kids want to come and learn. A place where they like to be.

Would you want to be in a class where you were yelled at?

Wait a minute! I don’t like yelling at them. They yell at me too!

I am sure they do but would you want to be in a class where you are yelled at?

I am only trying to teach them something!

Yeah I know but you are yelling at them, so what are you teaching them?

I guess to yell back at me?

So how long do you want to go on yelling at them and have them yell at you ?

Hey, this isn’t fair. Why don’t you ask them these question and straighten them out?

They are not in my office asking for help, you have a tough job and I believe I can help you! Do you see what I am doing with you ? I am starting to get you to self-evaluate, how you are handling your problem and that is a little painful, isn’t it?

Well yeah it is.  If I knew it was going to be like this I might not have come, but you come recommended  so I am here?

Well I am glad you are. You see in all human relationships happiness is always tied to how well the people doing something get along. If we can do something different with those people  and learn to  get along better, things might turn around and you will feel better, therefore  be less angry and not yell.  Look at any situation in the world where people are not getting alone and look and see how they treat each other. Both parties are trying to force the other into something the other person or people don’t want to do! This is practising the damaging psychology of external control, which is rooted in “I know what is best you.”

Well I do know that what I teach could help them!

I think you’re right but if you can’t develop a relationship with them how will you ever convince them that you can?

I see you’re point!

Can I make a suggestion ?

Sure, that is why I’m here!

Monday, when you go and see them, don’t try to get to teach them anything.

What are you, nuts?

Well just give up! Tell them the truth that you came to see me because you can’t teach them and I taught you something today and you want to pass on how you failed with them!

Oh shit, they would freak out! THEY would think I lost it for sure!

Well what did you learn from me today?

I guess that I don’t have a relationship with my students because I yell at them a lot. 

Yes you got it, is there anything else?

Yeah, that I ‘m the one who is the problem here!

Wow, you see that ? You have just learned another thing that human beings do when they don’t feel good inside – they blame others around them, usally the people they need to get close to. Wow, you impress me!

I can’t believe I even said that , I think I would like to come back and see you again. This was helpful, hard, but helpful. Thanks!

You’re welcome!

As I watched this I wondered why we cannot share in a way remotely similar to this during our Friday night meetings. Is it simply because we are adults and have given up on exposing our vulnerabilities? Have we become so insensitive that it is impossible? I become saddened when I think that this meeting has been going on for so many years and only occasionally do people like Angie or Sandy share from their hearts. What are we afraid of? Why has so little trust been built over all these years? Or is there actually nothing to share?

Having a bad day?

Ya I am , she barked out. She got up went do get something else and in 5 minutes was back with a pile of books. Another a few minutes went by and she was pouring through books and getting angry.

How long do you want to keep being angry?

Excuse me?!

I see you’re angry. Do you want to keep being angry?

Its that bad?

Well it is for you! What’s it all about?

Well, I teach at a private school and the kids are doing great !

So that’s not it.

Well I teach an enriched program and these kids are smart – they are sometimes doing 3 to 4 years higher work – but the parents hate me.

Why do you think that?

I just had a parents night and explained what the kids are doing, and all they give me is grief. I don’t know I just don’t think they’re fair. I work my ass off for these kids.

I’m sure you do!

How do you know? You have never seen me teach.

I don’t have to!

Yeah and why is that!

Because you’re in here talking to me about something that is really important to you and you really care about those kids!

Yeah but I could kill those parents. Why do they hate me?

Well, what have you done to get the parents to help them understand what you are doing with the kids?

Well I have done a pile of things! But the parents are not even interested. They don’t even understand what their kids are doing.

Hah you’re a smart girl! What do people do when you present them with something they don’t understand?

Well, they are usually afriaid!

So do you think they hate you now?

Probably not!

I agree with the truth of what you taught me today teach! People are always fearful or dislike things they don’t understand!

I taught you that?

You said it, not me. Can I ask you another question?

Sure.

What do you think the source of your problem is?

Well I think it’s me and wanting the parents to understand they have great kids!

Yeah but what else?

Boy, you are pushy!

Yeah I know but what else???

Ok, Ok, maybe I should put more energy into the parents

Ok. So what about the parents??

Maybe finding a way to improve my relationship with them!

YES! How do you think that would help your situation?

They would treat me nicer because they would understand what I’m doing ?

You GOT IT!

Look at the books I have out, some of the titles – Anger Management, Messed Up Parents … (we had a great laugh together)

Well I have to go. Thanks!

No, thank you!