CoachBri’s Blog

It was a gentle rain that grew more intense in the strong breeze. It was like seeing the wind as it moved. It came in waves and would crash against the large stone house and cars in its driveway. The birds would all be very quiet and would start up again as the wind subsided. It all seemed like a symphony – the wind, the rain beating down on the metal cars, the birds chattering, and noise of water rushing off the roof into the large puddles that formed around the house. The trees seem to delight in the shower of rain that washed all the dust of the past days, allowing them to breathe fresh again. The bounty of the earth’s lessons speaks to us if we listen to her. But few are interested! Like the rain that washes away the dirt I wonder what will allow man to wash away his self-interest. It is our self-interest that seems to destroy everything.

There were lot of people; the energy of excitement was there. This energy of excitement comes when we as human beings identify our self with the things of thinking. It is not the energy of human beings connecting or people coming together for a noble cause. In the Bell Center there was a full gamut of energy. The energy was of people that were happy about their son being chosen and the energy of nerves and worry about not being chosen. It seemed for most of the young men it was a series of tense moments collapsing into themselves in a feeling of rejection and hurt. Then, when their names were called, elation and congratulations of hugs and kisses. As the day went on people grew impatient and small conflicts arose that soured the event. The crowd attached to their sport team often booed and cat-called other teams, making it almost impossible to hear what was being said over the PA system. We are so well trained to be competitive to allow people from the outside to judge us and we compare our self to another. It this self-centered process that reinforces the images we have of our self and the other. All comparison leads to disconnection and conflict. To compare human beings is to set self-centered criteria in place and fulfill it demands to meet ones own idea or ideal.

Coach bri

It was a cool summer evening, the clouds and the rain had moved on. The earth was fresh and had the poignant smell of freshly spread manure. The true strength of the smell was held back by the stillness of the gentle and inconsistent breeze. The earth was full of moisture by the heavy rains of the past few days. One’s footsteps felt the sponginess of the soaked ground. The little wood cabin held many shades of grey and brown as the last light of the day grazed it. We sat in silence for some time, watching the sun set through the small window. The cabin seemed to take on its own serenity as the evening sky appeared.

It is very quiet here, she began.

Her husband answered: Yes, the wood holds the sound out.

Well how do you know that? she replied abruptly. I am talking about the inside, in here and like always, you have answer to everything.

Well I am just trying to make conversation! This guy hasn’t asked us one question yet!

Well why don’t you ask him one then? she replied abruptly.

For Christ sake, Kay do we even have to fight here?

You see Brian, if it is not his way then it is a fight! I can’t do anything or say anything because I am wrong or his fibromyalgia starts acting up.

Oh so now we are on that again! I’m sorry I have an illness. I can’t figure it out and I am not using it to control you! Well now you see what we do to each other? She is angry all the time and I’m tired of fighting. I have never won a fight with her, ever, in our 16 years of marriage. I have many emotional scars.

This is 18 years dear, just so you know!!!

Okay, 18. Sorry I lost a couple; maybe I wish it was 16! Two years less hell.

Well I’m not keeping you here. You can leave anytime.

You see what I mean! She is such a bitch!!! Why don’t you jump in here? We are paying you to help us and you just sit there!

I’m helping you! And you’re helping me!

How are you helping us? And how are we helping you? I don’t get it.

Well you have been here for about how long now?

I would say about a half hour.

Okay and how long have you been criticizing and venting about each other?

About 30 minutes.

Okay I agree with you! 30 minutes at 80 dollars per hour, so I have made 40 dollars so far. And how do you feel now?

Well I feel better! He probably feels better too but he won’t admit it.

I do feel better but this kind of feels a little messed up.

What does?

Well us paying you for something we can do anyway.

Yes, good, and how is that working for you?

I know it’s not working and that is why I, I mean we, are here.
And how are you helping us!

I will tell you! When you guys are arguing what are you waiting for me to do, or what is your intention?

I want to show you how controlling he is!

And you Tom?

Well I guess for you to see her supreme bitch mode!

Right, I guessed that, so you want me to take sides? Okay I’m going to do that now! I’m going to take the side of your marriage. And so far I think neither of you have done that in some time.

That’s for sure! I know I haven’t. I think Kay has.

Great, then I was wrong and I’m glad I’m wrong! I would like to know when Tom thinks I have because I would agree with you – I don’t feel I have in a long time.

You just have. I know you put up with me a lot my illness and all. I’m a pain in the ass!

What do feel about that Kay?

I think he is playing me and you!

Kay, I asked you how you felt and you gave me how you think. Could you please answer how you feel about it!

About what?

About him being a pain and you putting up with him!

I feel sad, okay? (Tears flooded her eyes, Tom reached for her and she pulled away.)

Okay thank you, you feel sad. Can I ask why?

Can I think now? Or do I have to feel?

Whichever. It is up to you!

Ever since Tom’s father died and his brother took over the business, Tom got sick, our best friend moved away. Tom hasn’t been the same.

Just Tom?

Okay I haven’t been happy either. Tom is just worried all the time and his brother, who got the company because he is older, doesn’t know what the hell he is doing and Tom won’t stick up for himself.

What do you say to that Tom?

He is my older brother, he is family but he doesn’t know what he is doing. My Dad gave the company to him and me but my brother is, well he just…..

An asshole! Christ Tom, just say it! He and his wife lost their company and they are going to lose this one if they keep going in the same direction.

We won’t lose it!

Tom, can I ask you a question? When did your life start to fall apart?

About 14 months ago when my brother made some bad decisions and I realized he real doesn’t get the business.

No it wasn’t Tom. I can remember you being in pain after you found out that your father had changed the will before he died. Tom, remember you came home from the hospital all upset the next day and you couldn’t get out of bed? For the next two weeks you had the flu and you were throwing up daily.

Yes I forgot all that!

Well, when did you get the diagnosis of fibromyalgia?

That was 14 months ago and that was me taking him to the doctor because he couldn’t walk and was in pain all over. Everything hurt!

Tom, what if this illness is self-induced?

I would be happy because living this way is hell!

Tom, have you had any relief in the 14 months?

About three weeks, strange enough.

What happened in those three weeks?

Well the first week I changed my diet completely. We were away for about ten days and I ate a lot of fruit. The other time is when my brother was away on vacation.

Who was in charge when he was away?

It was a joke. He called a meeting and put his assistant in charge.

What’s the joke?

The assistant was my dad’s assistant and she just came to me and we did business as usual.

Can I ask you something? And I really need you to be exact. When he called you into the meeting and told you the assistant was in charge, what did you do?

Nothing. I was fine with it I think.

Bullshit Tom. You called me and you had another attack and I had to come and get you. You were throwing up in the bathroom.

I guess I forgot all that!

Tom, do you want to know what I think?

I see what you’re getting at! You may be right! But why would my body do that to me?

Because you’re now happy and improving but when you don’t listen to your unhappiness it goes under ground and can affect your whole nervous system.

So you’re telling Tom what I have been telling him – to stand up for himself with his brother and grow some balls here!

No Kay, I am suggesting to Tom that he may be choosing this illness because he is having difficulty dealing with his brother, the death of his father, and his troubled marriage.

So I’m not crazy?

No, I’d say more disappointed and hurt!

I have been seeing this shrink and he is telling me that I have a chemical problem and he wants me to go on drugs for depression. He thinks I may be bipolar.

Tom, most of these shrinks have very little idea as to what they are doing. There are some good ones but they don’t buy into their own profession.

You know, when I think of my brother I get so angry!

So angry you make yourself sick?

I think you’re right! Pretty dumb!

No! I think you feel powerless and your relationship with him is hurt too.

We used to be really good friends!

I’m sure you were and that’s why it hurts even more!
Can you come and see me again next week!

I will for sure!

Well how about our marriage? I’m not putting up with this much longer!

Kay, how do you feel about this session today?

I think it was good for Tom! But we have to fix our marriage.

I agree. Will you give me some time Kay? I feel your hunches about Tom are correct. He’s got a good wife here and I don’t think he wants to lose her!

We’ll be back.

Thanks. See you next week.

But what happens if he has another attack!

Just support him through it and be positive. Trust me!
He might not even have one!

Okay, okay.

Thanks Kay.

Coach bri

The players arrived early at 6:30 a.m. for practice for the big game tomorrow. The atmosphere was one of great hesitation. At the previous practice, a player had lost it on another player. Yelling, screaming, criticizing, and demanding he tell him something. The players who were yelled at stayed unaffected by the yelling. Many of the teams and coaches witnessed the whole thing and nothing was done about it.

It is sad, in a sport like hockey, that losing it on a player or fighting within a team is part of the culture. The player that was doing all the yelling seemed to be the type that intimidated other players. Perhaps it was his role in the sport and he was the emotional barometer of the team. Beneath the surface of this team laid a series of ineffective relationships. There were players that have lost touch with the fact that it is only a game. If choice, love and excellence are not driving them in their sport, then what is? Selfishness can be seen throughout the relationship on the team and I predict that they will not get far into the playoffs. Key individuals on the team who are supposed to functions as leaders are looking only to pad their stats. On losing teams that seems to be what happens. Players think as individuals and the collective effort is lost.

What is essential on a championship team is people playing the roles they need to, not what they want to. Teams go farther in the playoffs when they think and do collectively. But very few selfish players have any idea of such a concept. They don’t see that helping each other look good makes the team good. Most selfish players never reach the top of their sport. The ones that do are freaks – they have the right amount of talent and effort and someone that manages them well. We all know too well these talented freaks in any profession who make it and then succumb to relationship issues that get them into deep trouble with the team, drugs, or broken marriages. Excellence is something they have no idea about because money or fame is driving their ego and reason for doing what they do. Making it to the big league is the point of arrival.

Excellence teaches that character is found in how you do what you do, and motivation is an internal process driven to be the best they can be. Character is the thing that acts when one is put in a situation that allows you to take advantage of someone or something but you don’t. This is simply rooted in the fact that if you do, your conscience would bother you. You wouldn’t be able to sleep at night without drinking, drugs, or whatever poison you choose.

Why do I say poison? Because that is what we do – we choose our poison. A healthy character doesn’t choose poison; they are free and can sleep fine at night. Selfishness on a team always leads to sabotage. Often the most skilled players on a losing team are the saboteurs. The problem is they think it is everyone else because their lack of character doesn’t allow them to self evaluate. The selfish or miserable are forever evaluating others because they can let themselves off the hook for their own lack of production. There is only one way to deal with selfishness on a team: Cut it out! Provide opportunity for them to get some help. Integrate them slowly inch by inch into relationships and show them how what they do is detrimental to the team. Let them come up with new behaviors they can practice. If all else fails, do the only thing that is best for team and make sure the team is behind it. Face selfishness and flush it out. Demand character, through self evaluation. If they can’t self evaluate, they will never get it.

Coach bri

The coach had assembled the team in the small warm room. It was a place they met often. Today, because it was 38 degrees outside, the room was especially hot. Soon the air conditioner was put on and it quickly offered some relief from the heat.

The athletes arrived and we all began to debrief. The athletes first described the match and their thoughts on technical things of the game. The atmosphere in the room held many emotions and all were hiding what they really felt. They were in a space where self-deception was going to divert from the problem and render people ineffective. The chat went on for some time and everyone avoided the heart of the matter. It is amazing how clever people can avoid the real questions and what really is going on within a group of people who have no regard for their potential and living up to it.

Often athletes who have some success are the hardest to work with because they think they can win or have the recipe for winning. The fact is that there is no recipe and every journey must begin each day new and fresh and the level of commitment to what you are doing must be in place.

We put so much attention on the technical things, facilities, tools etc to get away from the fact of team building and the competitive edge. It is not natural to be competitive. It is something that is put into us. It is a ruthless thing that easily can become twisted in the sense of power over other people and situations that can breed a heightened level of superiority. This level of superiority invites fear because it forms an image of the player based on success. Any time you identify yourself with your performance in anything, you invite fear and it cripples the love of the game and destroys it. These athletes were masters at building all kinds of “off ramps” with each other and scared to really reach their potential.

The thing we fear the most is the work we must do to be an effective team. Excellence is learning all the factors that prevent you from giving your best effort. Many people dream of winning Olympic gold but only a handful have the heart to do the training to achieve it. Fewer have the insight that winning is a quest for excellence, the dismantling of their brainwashing to end all fear. Where there is fear, all love is not. Love and excellence is our natural state.

Coach bri

Coach, I had to call. I’m not scoring. I am so pissed, I had a chance in the shootout and I shot wide. If I would have scored we would have won the game.

Yes you’re right – you might have!

No, I was the last shooter, the one who could of done it. But I didn’t. I let the team down! I stink! I don’t know why I play this game!

I thought you did because you love it!

I did. I am not fucking loving it now!

Before the game, how many times did you rehearse shooting or practice a shootout that week?

Why? What the hell is that going to do for me?

When you were given the opportunity to take the shootout, what was your thinking doing?

What kinda question is that? My thinking doing?

Yes, were you thinking?

Another stupid question. What does that mean?

Sorry, but can you give me a bit of your time now or do you want to call me later?

I was shitting my pants!!! OK?! I was scared, it was a hard game and I needed to score – I blew it.

Yes I see! Fear. What is fear?

Fuck I hate this, I can’t think right now! You give me questions I just want…?

What?

Sympathy!

Yes! Ok. Sorry, I thought I’d mistaken you for someone who loves the game rather than someone who defines themselves by it.

Thanks! Thanks a lot! You can be such a prick!

Yes! Still afraid to look are you? You make it about me! Maybe I can take the shootout for you!

Ok I get your point. Sorry! Sorry!

So you were shitting your pants were you?

No but I felt like it, my stomach was gassy and nervous. My arm felt uptight.

What happened the more you focused on the outcome of scoring? The tighter your arms and stomach felt, right?

Yes, that’s exactly it!

How was your breathing?

Shallow and short. But I have been doing what you said – focusing on the process.

No, you’ve being talking yourself into talking about process, to get an outcome, which is focusing on the outcome pretending, you’re not.

You know, I think you’re right, as crazy as that sounds. But how do you know that coach?

You said your breath was short and you had fear! If you want to score in tough situations you must be all about process. Process is mastering your breath, mastering yourself and then the situation.

How do you know I didn’t master myself?

Because you said your were shitting your pants, you were putting yourself under pressure therefore … fear. Fear is always the future! Future is outcome.
Therefore you couldn’t…

Master the situation! I get it coach. I see it!!! Now what do I do?

Nothing! Seeing is doing! If you’re really seeing!

How will I know if I really see?

That’s easy! You must come to terms with your self-centered approach to sport! You are, in those moments, an egomaniac, all about you, not the team.

Thanks coach – just say it as it is!

Deep breath in through your nose, out through you mouth. Breathe deep into your belly and as you exhale release with a sound hawwwww. Then clear your mind, positive thoughts, only on process, on what you are doing, love the pressure, love the game and shoot. What happens once you release the puck is gone forever.

You miss because:
1. The goalie is more focused that you.
2. You are identified with the outcome of your shot. You have made it personal.
3. Your breath is shallow, your thoughts bring fear, your body is tight and movement is out of rhythm, you are feeling pressure, not challenge, therefore you are at the effect of your stinking thinking.

Yes that is me! You’re right coach!

No, I’m not right – you see the truth in what I am saying, that is all. What is the purpose of your feelings?

I remember this coach – to tell me something is wrong! Right?

Partly. Feelings tell us if what we are doing now is effective or ineffective.

Oh yeah!

How do you feel now?

Better! Thanks Coach bri!

You do a sport! Never let it define you, your performance is but a mirror to see your own ego get in the way. When ego is not there you find discipline. Discipline is doing what you have to do when you have to do it.

Thanks coach!

Coach bri

I have been traveling around the world and working with people for the past thirty years. One of the things that I have discovered because of my work with people is the fact of laziness. I am also amazed at how laziness is found in most in people with the most talent. There are more talented people who are lazy than there are talented people with a good work ethic. As a matter of fact, I find more less talented people succeed than talented people. The combination of talent and work ethic is barely beatable.

I would like to start out by saying that people are not lazy. It is thinking that is lazy. If you buy in to your thinking you can become lazy at any moment. I have worked with talented people and most of them have a struggle with laziness. Most lazy people are very self-centered and self-serving. They are poor candidates for being team players and often they can be an environment destroyers.

If you have been raised by parents who didn’t hold you responsible for the choices you made in situations where you didn’t succeed, it is easy to see how these people, as adults, they are inappropriate in social situations. They often demand attention and always take rather than give. Lazy people are often reduced to people who whine, complain, and are disappointed in themselves and hide from it by seeking to cause trouble by using laziness as a tool for revenge in social situations.

Because of the low esteem and lack of power, laziness becomes the tool to gain back power and protect the suffering picture of themselves. Lazy people have come to fear defeat and rarely push their talent because if they do then the talent they have is the measure of their worth or if they train it and are defeated they will hate themselves. Therefore because of their talent they do everything half-assed except of course for sex. In sex the lazy person has a deeper escape from their low sense of esteem because in the orgasm of sex that bliss completely takes them out of their misery.

Lazy people never rise to the true challenge of competition or insight. They never really enter the contest or put it all on the line. They just go through the motions, never committing too much because if they do it means others will expect more from them and the pressure to be not as self-serving will bring forth their true inadequacies. This is then covered up by the lazy person by saying, “I am lazy, I didn’t give it my best”, which protects their ability from being in question. To be successful and maintain high performance, talent, a work ethic, and a hunger must all come together. Gamers have talent and hunger and can succeed for a period of time. But to stay on top, work ethic must be chosen and developed and purified. If not, they are only interested in themselves and what’s in it for them. Their self-serving nature impairs there relationships so they can only get along with other lazy talented people like themselves. They contribute little to a team but always seek the help of others. They love to benefit from the hard work of others and take the glory. In short, they want to bless you with their presents. Show me what a person does and I will tell what they want.

Coach bri

It was a quiet evening in Osaka Japan. The subway had very few passengers and when one arrived at the station and entered into the night there was a tingling rain. The air seemed heavy and out in the night air the city seemed to be slowing down on a busy work week. The team I have been working with has been very successful and tomorrow we will play for a chance to win a medal. The players have been practicing internal psychology with each other after a long period of going external on each other.

No matter what we do in life, nothing is ever perfect. Perfection does not exist, especially in the psychological field. I think the Japanese know this because perfection is not the goal but constant improvement is. When dealing with material things, constant improvement has its place. But when dealing with human beings, perfection becomes a problem and a virus to relationship and performance. Each relationship we have in our life is undergoing a change. It is our ability to be aware of the movements going on in people that strengthens our relationship with them. Whenever you’re unaware of what’s going on in the people you care most about or people you have to accomplish some project with, you are greatly increasing the chance of conflict and ineffectiveness.

The problem in all human relationships is that they are a process, not an outcome. When you focus on the process, a relationship moves in the direction it moves and one begins to look at themselves with the awareness of how to stay connected to that person. When you focus on the outcome, you come to points in the relationship where you say, “we’ve already dealt with this” and this is a constant issue. When you see relationships in this way you are setting up the disconnect because, again, relationships are not an outcome. You can only understand human relationship by observing it, not criticizing, judging, or comparing. In relationships there is no such thing as a rival; every living thing is undergoing a change. We cannot understand that change but we can be aware of the movement of change and be sensitive to how it affects us and the relationship or relationships around it.

What actually happens with human beings is the constant need to create an environment that works for both people. Often when one environment doesn’t work for one of the persons in the relationship, they become critical of the other person or practice some external psychology on them. They do this instead of looking at themselves and their own self-evaluation and understanding what isn’t working for them and what they can do in order to change their environment so they can feel more effective in it. The last thing we want to be is ineffective. And when we feel ineffective then we often poison the environment and practice the habits that destroy the relationship or make the situation significantly worse. The way we poison the environment is when we practice any of the four premises of external control psychology.

The first premise of external control psychology is responding to information personally. When we do this we stop listening to the person and whatever emotion they are expressing, we take what they’re saying into our head and create the disconnect. Now I’m not saying that one should say whatever they want when one is upset. It is very important to be aware of the fact that when you are upset you should be very careful what you say because you can poison the environment. I would repeat a very old saying: It’s not what you put into your mouth that defiles you but what comes out.

The second premise is that whenever we don’t feel good we blame someone or some situation for the way we feel. When we do this what we are really saying is people and situations have the power to make or break me. Some people love to live into this because they then are not responsible for the situations in their life.

The third premise of external control psychology is this notion that when I don’t feel good and I want you or the situation to change. This is a very narcissistic view of the world and people go around trying to change other people and situations all the time to accommodate how they want it.

This leads us to the fourth premise of external control psychology that probably does more damage than all the other three premises put together. The third premise is about changing things outside of us and the fourth premise leads into people who know what’s best for them beginning to know what’s best for everyone. And often the problem is they let people know about it! And when you do this you make huge disconnections with people in a relationship. We often call these people ‘know-it-alls’.

If you look at the world truly you can see what’s happening in your own house, in your own backyard, in your own neighborhood, in your own town, city, province, and country. You will see one or more of these principles being practiced everywhere. All of these principles are really about laying a power trip on other people. When I take information personally it’s my way of fighting back from the person who’s come in at me. When I’m miserable and blame them for how I feel what I’m telling them is that they have to change, which is a pretty powerful position. When I start telling them how to change, well that’s even more powerful. But the most powerful of all is when I know what’s best for people or a situation. This is when you often hear the phrase, “Well who died and made you God?”

What I am really amazed about with this team is their development as people. They are true athletes that are beginning to recognize that the breakdown of other teams, even technically, often does become injected into the relationship between the people on the team. And then the team members start practicing external control psychology on each other. When this happens you can actually see the disconnect between the athletes and the team is unable to respond to pressure situations and therefore they can’t perform at their best.

It kind of makes a lot of sense: if you want to have and see people succeed in life, build environments for them that are caring, supportive and loving. Stay away from criticizing, blaming, threatening, ‘guilting’, humiliating, rewarding and punishing to control (just to mention a few of these external control habits!). Success in any endeavor that human beings do is dependent upon the health of the relationships. Healthy relationships adapt quicker than poor relationships. Healthy relationships support each other in times of trouble and find a way to succeed. Healthy relationships have broad shoulders, suspend judgment and are sensitive to the needs of the person. There is no arrival point!!! Just always live every day as a fresh beginning.

Coach bri

The quest for Olympic medals is a very difficult task. The Olympics has been the ultimate testing ground for so many athletes because of the prestige of winning an Olympic medal. The Olympics bring about a different set of pressures compared to most other events in a person’s life. In order to perform well at the Olympics, athletes always have to battle fear. Even when you fear in the moment, what you are really fearing is the outcome that happens in the future. This is what is deceptive about thinking: athletes that need to perform at a certain level with a certain skill and don’t perform that skill well because of what possibly could happen in the future.

Let’s say for example that an athlete needs to develop a tougher serve in order to perform at a higher level. Well, when the person goes to practice that serve in a game situation and produces a pressure situation on the other side of the net to increase their chances of winning, many athletes are afraid and don’t practice that serve in the competition phase. This is because of the immediate fear of losing the game in the future, which can be twenty seconds or ten minutes from now, and this cripples their own growth as an athlete. In order for anything to be successful, under pressure, you have to practice it in situations of low pressure as well as situations of high pressure. This I believe is the process of mental training and the integration of perfect practice makes perfect.

In order to understand this more closely, let us examine the behaviour of serving. Because all behaviours are driven by four basic components, let’s examine each one of these components separately. What is the physiology of serving? In order to have a good serve when one goes back on the line, one has to be in control of their physiology. That means that the respiration, arousal level, and heartbeat all come together and there must be a relaxed intensity within the athlete’s physiology. If their breath is too rapid it could mean that they’re overexcited and because they’re overexcited, more fatigued. They are not able to stay loose, and in control of their actions. One must be able to master their physiology, if they want to have a good serve.

The next component is feeling. Feeling is the direct relationship to how one is experiencing that life situation of competing. If the server goes back and feels very good and confident this will only help the person stay relaxed and master their physiology. They will be inspired to serve. If a person is feeling afraid, and not very good, they will be in a cycle of doubt . Since they’re in that cycle of doubt, there is a greater potential for them not to have the correct physiology in order to stay relaxed enough to make a good serve.

Now the next component is thinking. If the two components of physiology and feeling are under the athletes control, they are able to produce the right thinking in order to make an effective serve. However, if the physiology is erratic and the athlete feels poorly, then it is very hard to think clearly in order to serve or choose the type of serve needed in order to create a high level of effectiveness and put the other team in trouble.

The fourth component is the acting, completing the behaviour of serving. This serving behaviour is dependent upon the other three components acting together in a relationship to produce a quality serve. A quality serve is a serve that scores a point or puts the team in trouble and limits the other team’s opportunity to score a point or to easily defend. This is also the situation of life, in our relationships. When a change is needed, we often fear that change, because that change puts us in a horrible position. And we feel insecure. Therefore we are in the cycle of doubt. When a person in a relationship sits in the cycle of doubt, the person then is controlled by that doubt and will not think or act differently. Therefore they will never feel differently, or be calm and collected in that situation.

Anything we do, where we directly effect the outcome of the situation, adds a certain pressure. The ability to manage that pressure is the ability to deal with the four components of behaviour. The management of these four components deals directly with the process of success. Rather than the outcome of the behaviour, if we first understand and master of the process, we will create more desired outcomes.

Coachbri

Photo: Angie Shen

I see that you have a very different way of dealing with the girls that you coach. I pick my daughter up here, three times a week, and I love to come and watch. You seem to be different than most of the other coaches. You seem to be able to coach more performance out of them. The quality is higher when you are around. I am heavily involved in the business world, and responsible for many managers who report to me daily. I do know what it’s like to manage people, but one thing that seems to stick out is your relationship with the girls. They seem to really like you. I have watched this now for about two weeks. I’ve heard you are Canadian, and that you went home, and I never got a chance to talk with you. Now you are back, and I was wondering if we could have a beer some night and talk. How long are you here for?

I am just heading to China, and I’ll be gone for about a week. I will return to Australia, and then I’m off again for another couple weeks to Korea and Japan. I do have a couple of hours now, if you’d like to talk now.

That would be great. My daughter won’t be ready for a few hours, and I can go for a run later. Can we go across the park and sit on a bench there? It’s a very nice park.

Sure, I will meet you there.

Drive around to the back of the park. It’s quieter there.

When I arrived, the park was absolutely beautiful. There were several gum trees hanging over a pathway. Two trees seem to invite you with their large drooping branches, offering their shade from the hot sun. The magpies were busy, many of them making lots of noise to let you know that you didn’t belong here, that you were the intruder. We sat on this old bench made from wood that I had never seen before. The handsome friend named Jake told me that this bench was of the actual tree that actually occupied this particular spot. It was part of their conservation to use the trees and everything within the park to add to the parks caveats. He then began.

I am under a lot of pressure at work, and I manage many people. I have the task of reporting to three different upper-level managers, and all of them are very different. And at times, I often feel lost and frustrated and feel like quitting my job. I have talked this over with my wife and she feels I can do whatever it is that I feel I must do. She is very supportive, and I am well aware that quitting my job would have a large impact on my family. But the money is great, but most times my headaches are greater. I was wondering watching you, if there is a different way to do things.

Sir, if you can pick up what I’m doing that is different from other coaches, you have a sensitivity that says you are well suited for managing people.

I know I’m good at what I do and I do treat people well in the company. Most of the people I work for like me and they perform well. That is not the pain in the ass.

And what is it sir?

The assholes I work for.

Can you tell me about that?

Reporting to three bosses is hard, one boss is great. He is really smart. He never tells you what to do. He gives me advice when I asked for it. Anyway, he is always interested in me as a person. The second boss is a total lie, so he is always trying to find ways to put me down and point out all my growth areas, and he is such a hard ass.

Sorry, what is a ‘hard ass’ to you sir?

A person who is just negative and has always got to have things done his way. He has the last word, no one questions him and he is beyond learning except, of course, if it’s someone higher than him. Then he is a suck up. The third boss is a massive asshole in a different way. He is a Mr. Know-It-All and is always critical of everyone’s ideas. You can’t nail him down on anything. He was always complaining about a better way to do things. And when you ask him for his feedback he is always afraid of giving it to you. He never wants to put himself out there and take a risk but he expects everyone to take risks around him and then when they don’t go well, you receive his reprimand. He holds onto valuable information, and then things go wrong, even if it could be a quick fix. So he becomes the one that looks like he’s the knight in shining armor because he’s withheld information from people that’s critical to their success. He creates so much dependency. He constantly destroys the economy of people when it comes to product management. He never manages the product, he only manages the people. I believe he cost the company thousands of dollars, but he’s invisible to the CEO, because he constantly sets himself up to be the savior and is always playing head games with everybody. Sorry, I know that I’m venting!

No sir, not at all.

So, that is the life at work and I’m sort for talking about all of this with you, even though I never really met you. You just seem like a good person to talk to.

Sir, may I point out something? The culture in your work is so common. It is put together by an external psychology. This psychology gets in the way of quality all the time, and it is what most of the world practices, except for a few like yourself and the first person you report to.

Yet he’s a great guy and if it wasn’t for him, I would have left my job years ago.

Sir, what this guy is practicing is an internal psychology.

Okay, he’s different from others. What do you mean by internal psychology? Can someone learn this internal psychology?

Well, yes, of course, but very few companies are interested in it because it means that they have to really examine not only why they are doing things but how they are doing things.

But if you don’t do that, you don’t or can’t improve.

Yes sir! Internal psychology is the psychology of we, not I. The first manager you talked about does these things and so tell me if I am correct in my assumptions.

All right, this interesting!

First, he’s a friendly guy. He’s warm, sincere. You always know where you stand with him. You always know what he will do for you and what he won’t do for you and you trust him.

Yeah, that’s for sure, he asked, but he is also built trust in me. He is okay with me making mistakes as long as I own them and come up with a different way of doing things.

Good. Secondly, he never uses fear of threats, punishments or rewards to control.

Never, as a matter of fact. He is the reason I was promoted. He is always encouraging me to apply for new promotions and new parts of the job.

The third thing: He also works on improving the system and never tries to work on the employees by trying to get them to improve. He helps them get the learning pieces from their mistakes.

That’s for sure, you know this guy?

The fourth thing is always asking for best effort, and he’s always asking people to evaluate their own work.

Shit that’s amazing, it’s almost like you know this guy. Last week two employees that work under me came to let me know that they have had a session with that good manager. They decided they were moving in the wrong direction, and what they were doing didn’t have enough quality in it, and then they both stayed late and came in on the weekend and will have the project in on time.

Yes sir. The fifth thing is not only does he give his best effort, but he is always doing things that are constructive for everyone and for the organization. He is always throwing the light on what is the learning piece and focused in constant improvement.

That’s what I see when I watch you coach. Other coaches want performance, and then they lose it on the athletes. You just talked respectfully, asked questions, they respond, and you can see their performance produces higher quality. I heard another coach talking about you the other day, and he said he loves coming to practice and working with you, because the athletes work so much harder and are so much more coachable. I wondered if you did know this guy because you seem to be cut from the same cloth.

No sorry sir, I don’t but this I do know. It takes a very insightful CEO to embrace what it is that I’m doing. It is a business culture renovation, and most people fear change, because it means there is no room for hassles in the organization. When you teach internal psychology to the employees and managers, the assholes eventually get exposed. And they either jump on board by change, or they leave the company. These mean-spirited people hurt and poison and they are highly destructive to accompany in ways that most people can’t even imagine. Just as your first boss affects the company in positive ways, you can even imagine people who like people who work harder for people they like, but this is nothing new.

So, you teach this stuff to companies.

Yes sir, but very few CEOs are interested. It means you have to change in the middle, and then in both directions, up and down. So the whole organization changes in both directions.

Why do you say it starts in the middle? I don’t understand this.

Sir, in every organization, there is a core of people that do a majority of the work. Most of these people exist within the middle of the organization. All roles and positions in a company that is driven by internal psychology have equal value. It is important to change at the very core. The organization must identify the core people in every department, and that doesn’t necessarily mean the managers. Core people are the people that other people get along with and enjoy working for and with. These people have what is most important in any successful organization, and that is character.

Well, how do you define character?

Sir, the word integrity means integrated. Well integrated people are people who are able to give the knowledge and action their proper significance. What I mean by this is that you can have all the brains in the world but if you don’t have compassion, sensitivity, and awareness, you’re basically an ignorant person.

This is a very different way of dealing with people, but I do see what you mean. I would say what I like most about my boss is that there’s no bullshit. The way he talks and the way he speaks is without contradiction. The other two bosses say one thing and do another. There’s a feeling with the first manager that he’s always got your back and is not afraid to get to know what you think, why you think it and where it leads you. The other two really don’t give a damn. It’s all about them.

Yes sir, I know. Learning an internal psychology not only makes you a better employee, it makes you a better person, spouse or parent, and anything that brings integration within the individual develops his character.

This has been a very interesting talk. I want to thank you.

You’re welcome, sir.

Can we meet again when you’re back in Australia?

Yes sir, I’d love it, take care.

Coachbri

Recently, Coach and former NHL goalie Patrick Roy told his son to go beat up the other team’s goalie during a Quebec Major Junior Hockey League game.

Having both my sons in hockey at a high level, I have been asked about this situation by so many people and my response has been, “No comment”.

I feel that I needed to hold my anger about the situation and see what and how I think and feel about it.

First of all, it makes no difference if you have a child in the game or not. What happened is but an effect of a series of causes that are rooted in the belly of our conditioning. Sport is now the opium of the masses and just like religion, it will produce the greatest horrors. Religion has seen tyrants, as politics has. Patrick Roy is just a tyrant in sport. What has the world done about the tyrants in the world? Unfortunately very little. We do not see the small acts against people as crimes against humanity. Yet are they not one and the same? The leaders of the hockey world have not come out and publicly done something to insure this tyrant is removed from the game and made an example of. What goes on in hockey is tolerated, and if you did the same behavior on the street you would be charged and in court. No one has asked how one of the greatest goalies ever went through our Canadian Minor hockey system and the NHL and never learned what it is to be respectable or to have any human values. There are news clips of Patrick Roy telling stories of emotional harm done to his wife, and here he is telling his son to go and fight another goalie who was totally not engaged in any of the chaos present on the ice. What kind of man does this?

The answer? A man that has been brought up in a society that teaches the golden road to success in Canada is hockey. Look at the parents today that want their child to live the Canadian hockey dream at any cost. Lie, cheat, fight, do anything to be the best. Who cares who you hurt and how you hurt them, just get noticed, Hockey has become a business.

We as a society have created a Patrick Roy, and we are responsible for his actions. When we live out our dream through our children and base our relationships on their performance, they know in their hearts they are not loved and cared about in the true sense. These children who become adults have great difficulty forming and maintaining relationships that are based in honesty. respect, commitment to excellence and, of course, character development. The purpose of sport is for that single purpose: you want to see your child learn things like being a team player, anger management, perseverance, commitment, physical fitness and health. Overall you want your child to develop more than just skills. If I had my wish each situation would be handled by the players themselves and a community made up of a strategic plan process, set up by the captains of the teams.

When we handle situations in hockey as we handle them now, the levels of accountability are punitive and disconnected from the major people responsible for how they play and that is the players themselves. We create outside governance in sport because we are not character and value focused. It is like schools who put cameras in all over the school to catch misbehaviors, rather than educate and create processes that changes the culture of the school. Where violence sells tickets and character and skill are secondary. people are not interested – until it happens to a parent’s child and then the love of the game is killed in him or her. By then their skill set must now become also about being violent and criminal to survive a very short career.

Coach bri