CoachBri’s Blog

It the still of the night
I find the silence pour into my heart.

I think of the people of Norway and the sorrow one person can stir up.

But soon silence returns and the tears will stop flowing.

One man’s disorder will cause people to question what is important in this life.

May silence fill their hearts and out of her find a place where sorrow ends and freedom begins.

To walk with death everyday and be awake with her is to dance in death’s face.

Let Beautiful Norway Dance

Coachbri

Meditation is the ending of one’s daily disorder. It is choiceless and cannot be something that is practiced. Willful mindfulness is for people caught in the web of mind tricks, meeting their own self-centered activity. Any willful meditation is not meditation at all because any method to become aware or mindful is created by thought, or the process of thinking, in order to get out of the trap or limitation of ego or self.

Meditation is love in action and not an escape from one’s fast-paced life. To see how inattentive one is to their anger, hurt, jealously, or quest for power or insecurity as it moves is the beginning of meditation and the unfolding of the religious mind. Self can practice all kinds of traditions, rituals or disciplines but they are all movements of ego to get out of ego. How can the ego with all the problems it causes in relationship also be the thing that brings ego to its death so that real relationship is authentic?

Meditation is perceiving one’s lack of authenticity and the lies that self is and projects in all its multiple identifications. Ego-self can identify with the letters after one’s name, or the amount of money in the bank, or a vow of poverty. Ego is the making of meaning to justify the experiences one has chosen and is often giving itself mystical qualities because it can’t face its limitations and petty superficial existence.

Self cannot practice meditation. They do not belong on the same axis because love and hate are not related to each other and are not opposites. Meditation and love come from the same root. Self and practice, be it yoga or any method to become something spiritual, is like a dog wagging its own tail. To really feel love and compassion is to see one’s un-lovingness and violence to another. For a virtuous person can never recognize their own virtue, if they did it would be an egoism.

Meditation is not mindfulness. Meditation is a mind empty of all the identifications with the things thinking has invented. When a mind is serious and sets aside all its identifications and playing games to cover up its loneliness and endless chatter, it can go beyond itself. The going beyond is not something thought or self can touch. That is the truly religious spirit and it is not tied to any religion or method created by self.

Coachbri

It was a fresh night – a welcome relief from the intense humidity of the last few days. The birds’ calls seemed to be clear and sharp. From the noise they were making and how active they were, they to seemed to enjoy the cooler evening. The sunlight on the large ash tree added to the warm inviting color of the moss that was so gentle on one’s eyes. A teenage boy across the field wearing a muscle shirt was talking very loudly to two girls who were flirting back at him to win his affections. Their voices, young and carefree, seemed to carry in the breezes of this cool night. They seemed to talk endlessly with energy and excitement without stopping. An older couple, frustrated with them, asked if they could be a little more quiet. They just laughed and slowly made their way farther down the field and began again. The older couple let everyone around them know they were annoyed by these youth. Looking for agreement they didn’t get, they too moved on, away from the mirror which was unnoticed by their resistance of their ego self.  Humankind has not changed over time except in the area of technology. As a species we are barely holding our own.

“Why is self so strong in us?” was the question he asked.

What do you think sir?

I have no idea. I have tried very hard to do as you ask and see that I am the thing in my life that must change. But when I am in a crisis I always want the other person to change, even though, as you say, I am the one in pain.

Sir, what is the self and can it really change?

My self seems to always be on the move. I just get one thing and then I seem to be something else.

Yes sir. The self is always moving in contradiction.

But why does it do that?

Because self is a product of thought and thought is a movement, or energy, moving through a material process called matter.

That doesn’t tell me why it is always moving in contradiction! That doesn’t make sense to me!

Sir, thought has made yourself, myself and everyone else’s self. If you take on the thought of a Christ you call yourself a Christian. If you identify with Canada which thought has put together, you call yourself a Canadian, right sir?

Okay, yes!  But why is that a contradiction?

Because you or anyone else is not born a Christian or a Muslim or a Canadian or Chinese. It is the human brain taking on that conditioning from the outside, it is imposed on you and you must conform to it.

I still don’t get it. Why would we take it on?

Because if we don’t you are branded or punished.  You, needing people to be loved and belong and be safe, are forced out of fear to conform. That conforming is the beginning of violence.  See it sir!  Thought creates a sense of self to cover emotional trauma.  We naturally form images to be secure and those very images created the hurt and rejection we fear. So the contradiction is self always trying to find security through the images that thought has made and at the same time those images are always the source of the hurt because it can never be totally secure.

Why is that?

All images are made by thought and therefore a product of time!

So what? Who cares if they’re a product of time? They bring some security.

Show me one image you have that is secure!

Well I have an image of you that you’re a nice person!

Yes and if I yell or criticize you, you will begin to like me less and be hurt by my behaviour towards you.

Okay I see that! Okay, my mother loves me!

Okay. Has she ever hurt you?

No, never!

So you get along with her?

Well, most of the time!

And the other times?

Well, she is a pain at times and is hard to love!

Which means what?

I don’t know!

As long as she lives up to your image of you she is okay! But because she has some other images of you that you don’t like she is on the outs, right sir?

Yeah I think you’re right, but what has this got to do with self being a contradiction?

Everything! Self is one thing one moment and then something else the next. Self is a product of time and your whole psyche is put together by thought over time.
So this means there are two movements going on in man: the movement of time and a movement that is not of time, which in this discussion we can your “beingness”.

And they’re in contradiction?

Yes sir, all the days of our lives. Self is always trying to find security in a world that it has created that is completely insecure.

So nothing in life is secure?

Have you been able to find something that is?

No, not yet.

Sir, this is the fact! To be mentally well adjusted in a world as sick as this one is no measurement of mental health. In fact, people who can’t fit into this world could teach us more than the people who are. To give your life to achieve money, power, position, material things, and large banks accounts and to identify who you are with it is a sure sign of madness. Do you see it sir?

Yes I think so!

That is why I have such great feelings for the alcoholic and the drug addict. They are living that life because of the emotional trauma of this life. They weren’t loved, their needs were not met, and they are the walking wounded. So then the drug companies step in and assault and exploit them so they can cover up their emotional pain. It’s a vicious circle sir. Do you see it?

I think I do! So you say we are living and self is our emotional trauma.

Kind of sir. First there is both then your culture imposes into you their sickness.
Then looking for connection you are forced to conform for acceptance and approval and all that. When you don’t or won’t be controlled, external psychology is applied on you and the damaging nature of external control cripples us. In our pain we drink, drug, and addict to all kinds of things to cover our emotional abuses others inflict, which causes a huge wound in us psychologically. I can become a great doctor or politician, actor, or escape to the street. It is all the same. I am caught in the web of my own confusion and that is what I must free myself from. Be on street drugs, brain drugs, or the drug of religion or politics, or whatever my life is, chasing pleasure and the avoidance of pain. That is what most people are about! So seeing all this, can I not stop escaping into meditation and psychics and contacting the dead and all those games but face my own self-centered living and stop all external control in my life? Then perhaps the emotional trauma in our life heals by something beyond self and the movement of thought. Only then can one really face life without any expectations of our vain becoming.

Thanks Coach Bri.

You’re welcome.

I have been seeing many clients whose parents believe they are in need of drug therapy. The latest one was a young woman who was significantly depressed. She was barely attending school and her relationship with her parents was extremely poor. The major problem in this situation always goes back to the relationships in this young girl’s life. When she is unable to get along with her parents and teachers in her school she has great difficulty attending class. Most of the adults in her life are practicing external psychology with her. Often the major habit of external psychology being practiced is criticism. Every time you criticize another human being you end up hurting the relationship in some way. Until we are able to understand that our brains are conditioned with ego consciousness put together by external psychology,  we will never come to understand the internal psychology of love and compassion. When people are in trouble and not succeeding in their life, a successful relationship is a relationship that brings love and compassion to the table. Psychiatry and drug therapy are often the last thing people need. I recommend you read a book by William Glasser called Warning: Psychiatry May Be Hazardous to Your Mental Health. Another book is called Mad in America by Robert Whitaker. This book deals specifically with the trouble directly affecting youth and the medical model of psychiatry and the dramatic effects and assault on our youth.

Coach Bri

Self, the ego, is a limited thing that gives quality to itself that it simply doesn’t possess. It is always wanting something in one moment and can in a few short moments want something completely the opposite. Self is always in contradiction and hides in a sense of superiority when it is found out for the lie and contradiction that it is. This sense of being superior is embedded in the fabric from which self is made, which is from experience, memory, and knowledge, which form a thought. Thought is always bound by time and anything that is put together by thought is time and therefore limited. This limiting process that thought is based on that self is nothing more than beliefs sustained by self’s identification with the very beliefs it has built, which is calls faith. Faith breeds a sense of superiority and in this process finds meaning and purpose, which has always lead to conflict and war. Be it the war in a marriage or with a child or against two countries, self-interest and a sense of being right is how ego/self keeps the damage going. Only where self is not love and beauty are. That process is seeing what self is and all the conflict it inflicts in oneself and another and ending it. That is the highest form of intelligence and the birth of compassion.

Coachbri

The rain had the ferocity of the wind behind it. It came in quickly and left the earth full and soaked with water. Many puddles had formed in the fields; the earth around the puddles was black and rich. The seeds planted beneath seem to grow before ones eyes as lightly green shoots spun to life.

She was very quiet and not sure why she had come.

You saw my husband and he is not the same man since and I really can’t figure him out. He’s stopped criticizing me and he’s dropped his constant demand for sex. So I have come to see you because I think you or him are up to something.

Like what?

Some plan! Whatever! I know my husband and since we’ve been married he has always demanded sex from me at the most inopportune times.

Yes he told me about that!

Well I wondered why he did that! He never really talks to me about anything. He just goes off and sulks. He behaves like another kid, for shits sake.

Yes he is aware of that as well. He told me that he sulks a lot when he doesn’t get his way.

He sure does! And I’m sick and tired of it. It’s another demand, a pressure, and between the kids, the house, and looking after some of my own needs I don’t need another person whining at me.

Yes he seems to know that!

Well that’s what he does. It is so unattractive that he’s so dependent on me. What’s wrong with you men! All my girlfriends say the same thing about their husbands. We laugh at you guys, you know!

I’m sure you do! But are any of your girlfriends divorced?

Yes they are.

Do they laugh at their husbands, now that they’re divorced?

No, they hate them!

Maybe your husband feels that divorce isn’t an option for you and he doesn’t want that to happen.

So what you’re telling me is that he thinks I’m having an affair?
Well no, I’m not.

I sure could have. That’s easy and with the way I look, men are always flirting with me. I seem to have that type of body that men like. They’re all the same! But one man for another man would be just another set of the same problems. I’m not interested in that.

So what kind of marriage are you interested in?

One that works!

Is it working now?

Well what did my husband say?

He said a lot! But none of which I can really discuss with you!

And why not??

I care about your marriage and I am willing to fight for your relationship for your marriage even when sometimes people don’t.

So you’re colluding with my husband?

No. Maybe I’m colluding with your marriage.

What the hell does that mean?

If you came to see me about your marriage to your husband and then he came to see me, would you want me telling you what you said in confidence to me?

Yes, why not? You’re supposed to tell us!

Well I don’t think doing that would help your marriage. Me telling you that your husband came to me and took responsibility for his behavior I feel is not breaking his trust. I think your husband won’t be upset about that he knows he’s made mistakes he doesn’t want to lose you. And I really think he is worried about that.

I know that in last two weeks I’ve been living with a different man and it’s really pissing me off.

So things are worse now?

Yes!

Well why is that?

Now I feel so guilty for the way I’ve been treating him.

Well so that means you’re starting to do a little self-evaluation. Is that so bad?

Well I guess not but I did fool around on him. But I ended it yesterday.

Why yesterday?

Well I knew I was coming to see you and my husband has been treating me so different. The affair lost all its appeal I think! I don’t know. I guess I see him trying so hard … I don’t know guilt maybe.

Can I ask you a question? It may help you understand it if you answered it.

Yes sure!

When you noticed your husbands change, when did that start?

About four weeks ago, I think.

What happened?

I just gave up fighting him and just gave him sex. Let him do his thing and get off and be done with it.

How did you feel about that?

I felt depressed, lonely, sad, and guilty.

Did he have any response to this?

Yes he stopped having sex with me and asked me what was wrong.

Do you think he knew something was up?

Why do you say that?

Well, what did you do in the past with his demands?

Just refused him and made him wait till I was ready!

What would he do?

Whine and act like a child. Give me the silent treatment. Same old bullshit men do!

But he didn’t, did he? He saw you change and he didn’t like it!

I guess not!

Is it possible that he figured something out?

Like what?

That he finally heard you and he doesn’t want to lose you.

Yes but why now?

Because you did something differently that you have never done before.

Which is?

You gave in to him! You had an affair, you depressed! But more important, he surprised you. Didn’t he?

Yeah he did, I thought he would end the marriage as much as I thought he wanted to.

What made you think that?

Well I thought he was as miserable as I am. I turn him down a lot; I criticized him all the time. But since your session with him he’s talking to me more and I know he listened to you because he explained to me that when I criticize him like I do I sent him the message I don’t love him and therefore he tries to do what most men do – have sex to reconnect. He said it really hurts him when I criticize him and if I have sex with him there is still hope.

Do you think he’s right?

You mean do I think you’re right?

No! He’s the one that gave you that information; I’m not your husband. How I think or not doesn’t impact your marriage.

How do I know this is genuine?

You don’t, you have to find out. Your marriage can be saved if you are willing to start caring less about what he or you want and more about what is best for your marriage, your relationship.

Yes I guess our relationship is real … too right.

Yes – a living, breathing thing depends on how you treat each other.

I think we need your help!

Sure that’s what I do – deal with people who want out of their self-inflicted misery.

So you think this is self-inflicted.

Yes. All throughout history human beings refuse to evolve psychologically. We are still in conflict and refuse any other way of living. The world is becoming a more dangerous place.

That seems so sad!

Don’t you feel the sorrow of your life?

Yes I do! Thank you. I must come again.

Sure!

Coachbri

He was depressing and the fear of making a decision about his life was thought playing the possible outcomes back and forth.

Please, can you help me? I feel so confused and frustrated that I am unable to focus on anything. I lie awake at night and worry about all kind of things.  I don’t have a moments rest from my racing mind. My friend Karen told me about you and said you are her “yoda guy”. You have quite a reputation with a few people I know.

Sir, please, I don’t think I can help you.

Why do you say that? Isn’t that for me to decide?

Sir, I am not trying to offend you but you are listening to the experience of other people about me.

Well isn’t that only natural, to listen to the opinions of others that you respect?

Only on technological matters sir, but never in inner life matters of the heart.

You are not being very fair to me!

So have you come to me to get the help you want or the help you need?

I didn’t expect this! You are very confrontational and I am not sure I like that.

Yes sir most people are not serious about their life and they choose the help that suits them.

So you’re telling me I’m not serious? Thanks!!

Do you not see the irony in this situation?

No sorry I don’t.

You are here because you are unsure of the direction you should go in; you said you were confused, right sir?

Yes.

Then in the same breath you are telling me that you are influenced by my reputation and you don’t even know me. So you have already reached a conclusion about me based on other people.

Okay but I don’t see how that fits in.

Sir, if you are hungry and I eat something does that satisfy your hunger?

No!

So in the same way you have listened to the influence of others and lost touch with your own passion and longing and are confused as to what direction to go in. But you sit around and waste all your energy being afraid of what might happen; therefore you have no energy to meet any challenge that comes across your path, right sir? Do you see it?

I just see it now and I don’t know what to do!! I want to smash you or hug you. This is so weird.

Sir, that is why I can’t help you because the opinions of others matters more to you than what you think about anything.

Okay big guy, back off!

You don’t want me to back off sir! You are just afraid of challenge. Like most people we have all the energy in the world to make money but very little to make a life.

Make a life?

Most people think life is about accumulating things like money, stocks, house, car, or whatever. That is the most shallow, self-centered existence. Making a life is sharing the beauty and wisdom of relationship. Relationship matters more than anything else sir. How you are related to things does define you sir, regardless of what we may or may not think. That’s why we need education about reaching our potential, our human potential. Do you see it sir? To be fully human is to see that we all suffer from all the same psychology of external control. Our consciousness is all one. Therefore we are people living on one field trying to find a way out of this field but thought will never transport us out of it.  So we are all stuck sir.

Okay! So why would we do that?

Because all thought, apart from technical thought, is self-centered. We are so deeply selfish sir and we refuse to see are own narcissism and the full conditioning of it.

How do you know that?

Sir I’m not trying to be rude!

I know that. I’m just not used to people talking this way. You are helping me. I just didn’t expect it like this but it’s good. Sorry, continue! Please!

Are you not, in your life, caught in your own problems? Thinking endlessly to get something or someone to love you more, respect you more, give you less trouble, less work , more this or that etc?

Yes that just about sums in up. My girlfriend tipped this whole thing off for me I think, when she broke up with me.

Yes sir it is always someone doing something to me. Poor me! We never ask what I keep doing to drive the person away.

Ouch!

Yes sir!

She dropped me for another guy she met on a plane!

Yes sure. And how many relationships is this for you?

Okay, I get your point! But they have something to do with it too, right?

Okay sir, they are trapped in their problems, conditioned in their selfish state, the same as you.

So what do we do then?

Face yourself as you are sir, learn about all of your selfish ways and face them without condemnation or prejudice. You and your selfishness are one thing! Not two!

I didn’t get that!

When you are suffering from your problems the you is in fact the problem you’re suffering from. Self is the problem!

Well if that’s true I can’t do anything about it! Because whatever I do my self is the problem doing it!

Yes!

I know I said something profound, I mean it is as if a light went on.

Yes sir! That light that went on is not of you. It is of something far deeper and richer than the pettiness of self.

True, true. I think I feel that! So my confusion is in fact created by my self because my “me” is confused because it’s not real.

Yes sir but self is real. It is just put together by thinking which is an external psychology that is the conditioned viewing point in people.

So we are all the same then!

Yes sir! We are mainly repeating an old program in a new brain.

Shit! Shit this is deep shit!

Yes sir we are in DEEP SHIT! And if we don’t change, we will destroy the earth and everyone on it. It is happening sir. Look around and wake up. As a good friend told me the other day, we are not the center of the universe, self just thinks it is!

Thank you.

You’re welcome sir!

Coachbri

We were loading up the truck with great speed and efficiency. In the distance we could see the coming rain as it speckled the sky in tiny dark spots that were to reach the earth. You could see the clear line of wind and rain as it hadn’t reached us yet but when it did we would be soaked to the bone. We got the truck and trailer loaded and headed to the dump and the change in wind prevented the rain from reaching us full force. As we entered the dump, the ground was thick with dark black mud. The truck and trailer slid their way up the low-grade hill until it reached the top and we emptied it quicker than we filled it. The man at the dump came out to greet us. He slowly looked over the things we were dumping as if he was looking for buried treasure. His eyes lit up and you could easily see that what we were hauling in was of some use to him. He patiently helped us unload the truck and trailer and took the things he wanted to a different area close to his shed. He had the hands of the working man – strong, dirty, cut, but full of knowledge and experience. He was a man that knew how to use his hands and they were his livelihood. When we were empty he returned from his shed and gave us a bill. We paid it and left.

The dump is a very interesting place: people bring the things to it that they no longer want or think have value and discard them. The old man at the dump saw this junk and it was clear he had no hesitation in investigating what was brought into the dump and directed each person carefully where to dispose of it. It made me think of “one man’s garbage is another man’s treasure” and I sat with the psychological implications of that statement for quite some time. It was almost 4:00 p.m. and after I had showered, I sat in the study waiting for my next appointment.

There was a strong knock at the door. I got up and answered it and invited the person in. I noticed by his walk and entrance his movements were very quick and stiff. He seemed to have a lot on his mind and had come to tell the story and wanted definite answers.

Hello sir. My name is Brian.

My name is Jon. I received your name from the pastor of my church and he told me that I may benefit from speaking with you. I live in London and on the drive up for an hour I’d been running thoughts through my mind, trying to decide what to talk to you about. Also I noticed the closer I got to your house the less interested I seemed in talking.

Okay sir that’s fair! Where would you like to begin?

I guess the problem is my wife. I just don’t understand her!

Sorry sir, I’m not trying to be rude, but why don’t you try spending time understanding yourself? That seems like a better investment of your time and money!

Well I know ultimately I’m here about my, my …?

Your unhappiness sir!

Yeah maybe that’s it. I just don’t get women!

Sir, what do you mean by “just don’t get”?

I don’t understand them. I don’t seem to be able to get along with them. Well, I never have!

Do you mean being able to get along with them or her in particular?

Yes, my wife you mean?

Okay, your wife. What would that look like?

We wouldn’t fight so much, we’d have a great sex life, we would be able to be together and enjoy each other’s company, she wouldn’t criticize me so much, I wouldn’t always be insecure with her, she would listen to me, she’d just do what I say.

Okay. So in other words she would love you the way you want to be loved!

Yes that about sums it up.

Sir, isn’t she saying the same thing about you, that if you loved her, you would love her the way she wants you to be loved.

Yeah I guess that sounds right.

Sir…

Can you please call me Jon?

Okay Jon. Throughout the dawn of time men have lived in conflict with woman.

Well I’m not convinced of that!

I’m not trying to convince you of anything. You can see it in your own life with your wife!

See what?

See the fact of the conflict!

And the conflict is?

Between you and her. Your ego bumping up against her ego!

Well I think that’s in everything. It is not just between men and women.

I agree with you Jon but you are here about a relationship with your wife.

Yes I am but your comment really covers all human relationship, doesn’t it?

I’m not sure but just for now let’s keep it as the conflict between you and your wife and let’s gain an understanding of that. I believe we can do that sir if you want. As men are we willing to take a journey together and take a hard look at ourselves so that we can look and see how deeply we are conditioned and how very little questioning of that conditioning goes on? And because we don’t question and examine our thinking but are conditioned, we have lost touch with our maleness therefore we are in conflict with woman.

Well there is no doubt that I’m in conflict with my wife. Most of the time I don’t like her and all the things she stands for.

Yes. Or you have a deep resentment for your wife!

Yes I guess I do.

How do you know that this resentment is an absolute indisputable fact?

While now that you’re discussing it I do feel I have a strong resentment of my wife. As a matter of fact I can’t seem to get close to her and get her approval.

Jon, your resentment is deeper than approval. You hate the fact that you need her far more than she needs you. Women are now saying I want a man in my bed but I don’t want them in my home. We’re coming to that more and more.

I don’t get what you’re saying! I need her more than she needs me? I don’t think so!

Jon, what do you want from your wife?

I want her to meet my needs so that I can be happy!

Which means what? You see her as your source of happiness and that source of happiness is outside of you in her.

Yes I would agree she is a source of my happiness.

Now do you really think you’re the source of happiness in her life?

Not like she is for me!

That’s my point. Men, since the dawn of time have sought happiness from sources outside of themselves. Not finding it in woman, we resent them, their power.

This is getting very complicated. I’m pretty easy-going guy. Just fuck me the way I want it, yeah, the way I want it and she can pretty much get everything from me she wants and needs.

Yes Jon you have just put it perfectly: your conditioning of woman is they are there for your pleasure, and the more pleasure she gives you the more she covers up your inadequacy.

I didn’t say that!

Let’s be real Jon. Don’t you want your wife for sex?

Well it’s a bigger part of the relationship then it is for her!

Which means what? You want it more often than she does and when you get it the way you want it you perceive your relationship to be what?

Fantastic I guess.

Okay, so when are you in conflict with your wife?

What? I don’t get it!

So you’re dependent on her to give you pleasure. When she doesn’t give that to you, what do you do?

I don’t know. Stay away I guess. Keep out of her way.

More than that Jon. Don’t you try to bully her, get moody, manipulate her, pout, see strippers, pornography, hang out with the boys etc?

Yeah I guess you’re right, if I’m being honest.

Why wouldn’t you want to be anything but honest?

The conversation were having right now is very different. I’m not used to talking to people like this!

Yes I know it’s very hard for men to be honest. Most men will debate theoretical physics, politics, economics, but very few men will really discuss the matters of the heart. Sex for most men meets their sense of loving and belonging, a deep need that exists in most human beings. Men really believe and have been conditioned to think that sex satisfies that need. But all that does is inflame the appetite for the behavior of sex. Now I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with having sex – it has its place. But unless we face our deep resentment of woman, we can’t go beyond.

I don’t understand this deep resentment of women! I don’t think that’s in my life!

So tell me what happens when you get together with a group of male friends, especially when there’s drinking.

Well, we joke around a lot!

No you don’t joke around a lot. What happens is you attack each other jokingly, you dig at each other, criticize each other all done in fun, until one guy really gets ganged up on, made a fool of, and all the guys laugh when he gets pissed off. Everybody hates to be that guy that gets picked on but the fact is that’s how most males relate with each other, to different degrees.

Okay I see what you’re saying. That’s true but why?

Because we are all so frustrated!

Frustrated about what?

Frustrated with the fact that we need women far more than they need us. We try to connect through the intellect which doesn’t work. So we spend our time humiliating them in all kinds of ways because of our own inadequacy. Our own frustration is from not knowing how to find happiness from a source inside ourselves. So when we can’t we addict to all kinds of things. Addiction is always the sign of dependency caused by inadequacy within ourselves. That’s the pain, and woman was born with purpose, a vessel of creation that doesn’t have a clue how to nurture a man. Therefore we have conflict and all the anger and brutality that go with it.

This is really rattling me! I just don’t know what to say. I see some truth in what you’re saying but the problem seems so overwhelming. I can’t tell my wife what I really think of her. I know in my heart what I really want to do is humiliate her. I want to hurt her as bad as she hurts me. I am so sick of her independence and her strength and… and!

The fact she doesn’t need you!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Jon I know this is difficult but when are you happiest with your wife?

When I’m not so dependent on her and my life is filled with other things. I just don’t know if I can remain married. A part of me knows I love her yet by what we’ve discussed that seems to be a contradiction.

Yes you’re right it is the very structure of thinking, which is at the root of conflict, is a contradiction. The point of all this Jon is to face the fact of your conditioning without condemning or justify it. If you can perceive all the disorder in your relationship with your wife, then something new takes place. And that newness has nothing whatsoever to do with thought or the thinking process. Thinking is where we hide, where we lie, where we resent. Face it Jon and see it as it is.

I know this is just the beginning for me and I know why my pastor sent me to you. This conversation is very profound to me, so thanks. I know I would like to come back and see you but I need little time to digest all this.

I understand, come back whenever.

Coach Bri

The morning sun was bright and there was the promise of the clear blue sky. In the large hall people were gathering before the talk and I had no idea what to talk about. My brain was nervous, nothing was coming at all. I felt like a mute giving a speech.  Thought would jump in at times and be very self-critical. (Why are you talking? You’re an idiot. You can’t even read or write. Who the hell is going to listen to you?) I gave my full attention to this and it melted away.

People that morning seemed to be fed up with winter and the promise of the heat that day brought its own excitement. Nervousness was everywhere within and without. Self was in full protection mode. (Why do you talk? You are just like any man, you’re not special, you have no gifts! I talk because I am like every man – we all have the same problems one way or another, that is why I talk! You must make yourself vulnerable, and demand that they be too! As long as self is here vulnerability is not.) Thought went on like this for some time, and I gave all of my attention to each and every thought. After the introductions I was called to enter the large room filled with people, as thought snapped at my heels.  I could hear the putdowns of my father slowly dying as I walked across the stage and sat down on a small wooden chair. Those voices of ghosts now dead, coming back to haunt me, dissipated as I sat and looked over the audience. I still had no idea of what to say. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and waited for the rhythm of my own silence.

To be vulnerable to the one that is most critical to us is very difficult to do. That is why, if we want to be in relationship with someone, it is best never to criticize, no matter what. To tell the truth to someone that would harm the relationship is a contradiction.  For the truth told without love is a lie. Marriage is so unnatural when people marry out of loneliness or the need for procreation. For what good is a marriage if it is full of lies or deception or bullying each other to fulfill needs? Most people today use marriage as a means for economic existence. They have forgotten the most important element of marriage: To keep learning how to end the conflict between the feminine and the masculine.  To be as one, the part of man that is the guide, protector of his own soul and keeper of his wife’s heart and trust. And the women: the vessel of creation, the nurturer that can take the brokenness of a man and help him to find meaning. This delicate balance of learning is mostly lost and therefore we raise children caught in vines of the lies of our own making.  As our generation blames the one before, they impart the same blame on us and they are right.   Life then becomes about hiding through becoming something.

We are tangled up in all the lies of humanity and the only thing that has changed is technology, which has driven us to distraction of pleasure, for convenience or the easy life. That is what we are all looking for, is it not? We can’t grow closer and invite relationship when the people we want to connect to see us as their greatest critic.  Relationship, love, and compassion demand vulnerability. To unravel the lies we have bought into and to change our psychology has and is the greatest challenge humankind will and always face.

Coachbri

The car pulled into the driveway and he sat in his car for several minutes because he was late for his appointment. I decided to open the door and give him the whistle to which he did not respond. So I returned to the study and waited for him. After another 45 minutes or so there was a knock at the door. When I opened the door I was confronted with a man in his mid-fifties, well-dressed but not clean shaven. He avoided all eye contact and his chin was lowered as he softly spoke. “Are you Brian the counselor guy?” I replied that I was and asked him to come on in. He soon began to move slowly and methodically as if he was in a great amount of pain. I went into the study and waited for him there. He remained standing in the hall for quite some time so I went out and asked if he was coming into his session. He seemed very disconnected and spaced, out a sign that he was on some type of psychotropic medication. He moved to the large couch and sat down as if he was sitting on something that was extremely painful. He maintained the same facial expression of anguish so I welcomed him and introduced myself.

So now that we got introductions out of the way, how can I help you?

While I don’t know really but I think my life is not going so well.

So what’s not going so well in your life?

I don’t know! I think I have some idea but I’m not sure?

Well let’s start from what you think you know. Can you tell me about that?

I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist but I don’t think it’s helping very much. My wife is living at her sister’s, and her sister saw you for some marriage counseling so she recommended you. Between the medication I’m on, the psychiatrist, and the fact that my wife is no longer interested in our marriage, I don’t think talking to another person is going to help.

Okay I understand but what happens if by talking to me it is helpful?

I’ll continue to come I guess.

Well that’s great. If I’m going to help you I need a little time but I do appreciate you saying you don’t want to waste any time because you’re already seeing a psychiatrist. When you see the psychiatrist, how much time do you spend actually getting some counseling from him?

Well it’s a her and I’d say about 15 to 20 minutes, sometimes a little more if she wants to change the dose or talk about other possible medications. The problem she sees is I’m depressed because I can’t deal with the fact that my wife left me.

I can see that you are depressing, but you also seem to be in a significant amount of physical pain as well. Is this true?

Yes.

Have you ever had this kind of pain before physically?

Yes.

When was that?

When I lost my job back in the late 80s.

So you’re in a significant amount of pain right now, the last time you felt this was when you lost your job late 80s and do you think you were depressing then as well, when you lost your job?

While I think I was depressed after I lost my job!

What happened between you and your wife that she left you?

She found out I was having an affair with a woman from work!

So how would you describe your relationship with your wife before the affair?

We have a very good relationship. We got along great, until she found out.

That is pretty interesting because if your relationship was very good and you are getting along great what is the need for the affair?

That’s what I can’t figure out because my wife and I are very compatible – we get along well, we have our differences, but we’re able to work things out.

What were the differences you are able to work out?

At this point the client gave out a huge ahhhh sound and he began to shuffle his feet and tap the sides of his thighs with his hands in a angry fashion.

I don’t think this is going to help me very much!

Do you think anything’s going to help you unless you talk about what’s really bothering you? You seem very angry when I wanted you to point out the differences you have solved with your wife.

My wife is a good person she didn’t deserve me having an affair on her so it’s my fault I know. I deserve it but it still hurts.

I know it hurts and I can see you in great pain but if you don’t talk about what’s behind that hurt how do you see getting through your life in the next week or so.

Well I don’t!

Have you thought of killing yourself?

Yes! And I’ll tell you more: I know exactly how to do it where do it. I’m just afraid of what would happen to the kids, knowing their father is such a fuck up!

I’m glad to hear you say that!

And why is that?

How long you been living with this situation?

A couple of months now.

And it sounds like you thought this thing out but something is preventing you from doing it! Whatever it is I’m glad for that reason because it gives me a chance to help you and like you, protect your kids from an awful situation.

Yeah I guess you’re right.

So I need you to  gimme some time here! And I also want to know this: has you wanting to kill yourself increased since you’ve been on medication?

Well I don’t know. I have to think about that.

Well I need you to think about that right now! Because I’m questioning whether this medication is helping you or not. Can you tell me what it’s doing for you?

Well I just don’t feel the pain as much. I can just feel … kind of numb I guess.

Before the medication, what were you doing?

I was crying a lot, like blubbering idiot, I can’t be like that all the time, I never cried so much in my life.

Hey you have good reason to cry. You messed up with your wife, you hurt her badly, and you may have had good reason to have an affair!

What would be a good reason for having an affair? I blew it!

I agree with you but people don’t have affairs who are in loving, caring, and supportive relationships where their needs are met. I asked you a question earlier and it was a difficult question for you. I asked you what difficulties have you and your wife worked out in and you got a little antsy.

Well, about a year ago now … it’s longer than that almost two years ago, I lost interest in her sexually. I guess it just wasn’t very good. And there was this woman I work with that is very attractive, few years younger than me and I was fantasizing about her.

So did you work this problem out with your wife?

No, I guess we couldn’t work out this problem, I tried though, believe me I tried.

It sounds like you’ve been trying for quite a while, maybe longer than a year and a half?

Well isn’t it the main issue in most marital relationships sex, money, power, control?

So exactly how long has this been going on in your relationship?

Alright, for a long time! I tried talking to her but she wouldn’t listen. So I just stayed  away for her, golfing, hanging out with the boys. Every time we were together she would always be telling me what to do and how to do it and I got goddam fed up with that.

So you see how involved this is. It sounds like you both been unhappy for quite some time.

Yes, yes I think you’re right.

Well it’s all water under the bridge now. What’s happened happened and you can’t go back and fix it.

At this point the client put both hands against his knees and began raising his voice and gesturing  abruptly.

I’m not stupid you know! I know I can’t go back and fix it! And knowing that doesn’t help me now and it  sure doesn’t make things any less painful!

You know years ago you lost your job and I imagine you were depressing then too. How long did you stay depressing?

Well that’s a peculiar way of putting it!

Yes I know. Can you answer my question?

I don’t know a couple weeks maybe!

Then what happened?

Well I have bills to pay, my kids were younger, I had to go out and find another job, I had to drag my ass out of bed each morning and it was horrible.

And your body was aching!

Every joint in my body. I even started to take Advil for the pain.

So when did the pain stop?

I don’t know! It was years ago!

Well think back for a minute. What time of year was it?

Just after Christmas.

Wow, that sucks. Must’ve been pretty hard?

Yes. Christmas debt!

Do you play any sports?

I do remember something. My body was so sore I stopped playing broomball!

Okay so when did you start playing again?

About a week after I got my new job!

So this is what I hear you saying: you lost your job, you were depressing, plus your were in such pain that you couldn’t even play the sport you love which is broomball. You ended up quitting the sport but a couple weeks after you get a new job the pain disappears and life goes back to somewhat normal!

Yeah, so?

So what does that tell you?

I guess the fact that I was depressed because I lost my job, my body was aching, I got a new job and I stopped be so so depressed because I didn’t have time to depress because I need money for my family?! Wait I see what you’re getting at but I don’t see how this relates to me now.

Well you’re going through a very significant loss, you and your wife are separated. That’s painful, your depressing, your body’s aching … I think it’s pretty similar.

I agree but how does that help me with anything?

Well is your body aching right now?

No it’s not. It feels pretty good actually!

So what are you doing now that you weren’t doing before you came in the room?

I guess talking about things.

And when you’re talking about it do you think you’re depressing as much?

No I don’t think I am.

Well that’s my point.

So you think I’m depressing on purpose and I’m causing my body to ache?

Look: you have good reason to be depressed, you have good reason for your body to ache. And I also think you have some pretty solid reasons not to kill yourself. You think it’s over between you and your wife?

I don’t know!

Do you remember earlier on in the session when I asked you to tell me what were the difficulties you and your wife were working through and you got angry at me?

Yes I’m sorry about that.

You don’t have to be sorry. I don’t think you can control me with your anger but have you been controlling your wife with your anger?

I think that’s a good question.

Well if it’s a good question would you mind answering it for me.

Bastard! So you’re making it my fault?!

I’m simply asking you a question. Do you think you attempt to control your wife with your anger?

I heard you. I’m not deaf! Well, my wife tells me and has said to me for sometime that I have an anger problem.

Do you think you do?

Well isn’t it obvious asshole! Do you have to ask so many goddam questions?

Hey, I know you’re upset right now but do you think your depressing is another way to try to get control back from your wife?

So you’re telling me that I’m not really depressed, that I’m just doing this to get my wife back?!

No, I’m saying I think your depressing and part of your depression is to cover up how angry you are and since you’ve been on this medication you don’t feel as effective in your life because you can’t see it getting any better. It’s not getting any worse. She’s still living at her sister’s and obviously she wants you to get some help and she still cares about. And if you give me a little bit of time with you,  go see your doctor, get off the meds and come to counseling, we might be able to put your marriage back together. I can’t make any guarantees but you seem to want her back.

I do want back!

Well I can’t guarantee it but if you continue to come and see me maybe we can map out a plan together that would spark the interest of your wife and give you another chance. Now I haven’t spoken to your wife, I don’t know what she’s thinking, but do you think what you’re doing right now, with this situation in your life, is bringing you closer to her or farther away ?

Farther away.

So the ball’s in your court! You can’t control your wife, you can only control you and if you give me a chance I can teach you some internal psychology that may improve the quality of your relationship with your wife.

Okay I’m game. Nothing else seems to be working

Okay then our session is over for the day. When is the next time you can come and see me?

How about two days?

Okay that means Sunday. Wonderful. See you Sunday.

coachbri