The Need to Reconnect
Within human beings is the need to survive. After a divorce the common thinking of a person that has been cheated on is to feel that they hate the opposite sex and they will never get involved again. “I hate men” or “I hate women” is the common thread I hear in most situations. The healing process of any relationship begins when self-evaluation takes place. That self-evaluation is painful. The person who has being rejected is in pain enough, and to self-evaluate in it is often more difficult. People who are able to self-evaluate seem to recover quicker than people who don’t. Often people repeat the same external psychology habits in their next marriage and end up divorced again. Self-evaluation is the process of learning about your mistakes which connects to another need, which is the need for fun. Now the question is this: How is learning fun when it comes to being dumped?
It is natural for a person who loses a relationship to depress and this prevents that person from acting out of anger and doing something that would be harmful to themselves or the person that left them. Self-evaluation here is often very difficult when the need for loving and belonging begins over time to speak to the person because they miss having someone in their life. If you are happy that a person left you that usually means that this person didn’t meet your loving and belonging need anymore so them leaving wasn’t a big deal and can be a relief, allowing the person to now look for someone else to fill that need.
When looking for someone else it is wise to not meet them with any chemicals in your system or in theirs. Being under the influence of chemicals, medication, alcohol, or grass impairs one’s ability to sense how need fulfilling a person truly is. Even though you may have fun with this person, a good relationship has to be more than fun to have longevity. Self-evaluation is looking at how you satisfy your needs by checking out how the behaviours you are presently using are working towards your level of happiness. Levels of happiness are as real as your needs but they are sewn together, genuinely in all situations in different moments. When one is under the influence, it is harder to genuinely access how and why you feel good. The happier one is, the more needs or depth of a need is being satisfied. Now after experiencing a rejection, a person’s scales are going to be more sensitive to tipping and drugs or alcohol become a means of numbing out. The purpose numbing is to prevent the self-evaluation process from happening, which is driven by the emotional content of thinking, which is fear, linked to rejection or possible rejection.
Sometimes people in a marriage where sex was good and the only place where there is any connection have a harder time loving and belonging because sex was the only place where their marriage was good or they experienced any closeness. These people can miss sex, not really seeing it as the belonging they are looking for. They become very desiring and will go with someone just for sex. Men tend to do this more. Women do this as well but for a woman, if she comes out of a relationship where she was a victim in the last relationship and sex was the only place she where there was connection, she could be setting up the same pattern of abuse again. Therefore it is very important that if she wants and needs sex she do it with her full faculties so that self-evaluation is possible.
Men and women have needs for sex. It is part of our being. Having good and present sex helps connection, which allows sex to meet loving and belonging needs. If people choose to get together for sex to satisfy the need for fun, power, freedom, and survival but void of love and belonging, it can be very complicated and degrading. Under the influence this can lead to a lot of problems that tears away at the dignity of one or both people and eventually leads to great unhappiness that goes under the radar because the sort connection is always a painful one. You can’t fake love like you can an orgasm. But if you think you can fake love until you make it, all self-evaluation is lost. Love and compassion are the key ingredients to relationship. Without them and without awareness, all external psychology dominates our behaviour.
Coach bri
Brian,
I respect a major premise of this article is to be free of substances. If I can segregate the substance arguement and focus of what else is stated in this article I would like to comment on the following. Specifically, where you have stated, that in a marriage, where sex was good and the only place where there is any connection people have a harder time loving and belonging because sex was the only place where there marriage was good or they experienced any closeness. Further on in the article it is stated, if people choose to get together for sex to satisfy the need for fun, power, freedom, and survival, but void of love and beloging, it can be very complicated and degrading. I would like to offer, in similar circumstances where sex was the only connection, and this person then enters a relationship where love, tenderness, touching, and caressing (i.e belonging) are now not only part of the sexual experience, but a significant part of the relationship, the same complications and confusions occur. When someone does not experience these other emotions and tender contacts it can cause great internal struggles. The rationale being is “I am here for the sex and these other things were also happening.” This person does not know how to embrace these other things, because to this person, love is sex. I offer, what this person should be experiencing is sex is a part of love, but so are many other things that define a healthy relationship.
The problem is with trying to have a normal 50 50 relationship after not being in one for a long time. And maybe never being in one. Is it possible that people just don’t know how? Personally I know only how to give and receiving love and tenderness, touching , and caressing feels wrong to me. It feels like I am being selfish. so I struggle.
Dennis all I am saying is sex can be a positive and healthy part of a relationship, but it can also be a destructive factor within a relationship. If people have sex on their mind a lot they shouldn’t engage in sex. If a person is always thinking about alcohol and wanting to drink it may be detrimental for them to drink. If a person is under the illusion that sex is love then they have no idea of what love is.
External psychology creates within itself a problem in our language. For example the term falling in love is looked upon something I fall into or falling out of love. If we fall in love or we fall out of love what does that really mean? Really we do not fall in and out of love what really happens is that when someone touches love in us we feel loved when they stop touching that space in us we stopped feeling loved. This is still a very superficial explanation of love but I would like to note that love isn’t something that we fall into or out of. When we have the feelings of love for someone it is because they are touching it in us through their behavior. What we fall in love with is the space in ourselves that is being touched this I believe is romantic love. In a relationship one tries to negotiate with their partner their basic needs. When this is unable to happen it breeds a lot of misery in the relationship.
Karen
I don’t think there really is a normal 50-50 relationship especially within the marriage. Just because one is in a marriage that doesn’t necessarily make it a good one. Like anything or any relationship the quality depends upon how useful the marriage is to the people in it. When we talk about it being useful what we really mean is it meets the needs of both people. If receiving love and tenderness touching and caressing feels wrong then that is telling you something about the relationship you are presently in. Human beings cannot cultivate love because real love is empty of self interest. For most people this is very difficult to understand. But it is easy to see in the world where there is self interest everything becomes corrupted and self-serving. Love is not self serving. Coach Bri
I believe love is something that grows and is nurtured. Love at first sight is just lust or sexual attraction. Some people fall more in love over time and some just fall out of love. The trick is finding someone that is capable of having a lasting relationship and capable of falling more in love over time then finding someone that just is incapable of that growth. If you are lucky in life and love, you will find that person and have a fulfilling lasting loving relationship.
When you fall in love ,you fall in love with the space that is touch inside of you. You don”t fall for a person. Someone meets your needs and completes some very big pictures of what is love to you.
When you lose a relationship nothing is more painful. All the mental illness psychosoamatic problems come out of this pain. You can”t fill this whole with just anybody it takes the time it takes and it is different for everyone.
coachbri