The Unhappy Woman
It was a beautiful morning. The sun had just risen in the play of light on the ocean, showing many different colors of blue. Along the beach there were many different types of seaweed that had come ashore by the large waves from the previous evening. There were a few people out walking, and there was a cool breeze in the Australian autumn. We walked for some time without saying a word. There was little conversation except to notice different types of shells and things brought ashore by the tide. She then started to speak.
I have come to talk to you and have wanted to for some time; two of my friends have mentioned you to me. And now that you are in Australia again, I thought I would take this time to come and see you, if you don’t mind. I’m not sure what I really want to say, except that I noticed lately that I’m not happy with myself. I have just left a relationship and it was my choice to end the relationship. As I saw it, it was not going anywhere, as I believe this person was not suited for me. He was very interested in marrying me. But for some reason, a life with him in marriage would be difficult.
Yes, marriage tends to be difficult. It is important to have good roots in a marriage.
What do you mean by good roots?
Most people’s relationships are based on images they have of themselves and or the other person. If you have an image of yourself, you will be bound to impose that image on another and they too will impose their image on you, until eventually it is nothing more than a relationship based on images. This is when marriage is at its ugliest point.
Well I know I have an image of myself. But I would say I have a good image of myself. So why would I want to impose that on someone else?
Any image of yourself is put together by thinking. Thinking is a movement that is imposed from the outside and is rooted in the past. The past is made up of knowledge, and that knowledge is the creation of thought and is therefore limited. That is why in most people’s life, when they think they have things figured out, life comes and pulls the rug from underneath them. And then they are deeply confused again.
Well isn’t that why I’m here talking to you right now? I feel so deeply confused about everything.
Yes, this is the fact, that human beings are deeply confused.
What do you mean, that human beings are insane, that all human beings are deeply confused? Everyone?
Miss, if you don’t mind me asking a question…
Yes, of course. That’s why I’m here!
What is it that you’re looking for in your life? What is your deepest most interest, what are you actually looking for?
That’s kind of a funny question, isn’t it? Deepest most interest? I guess it’s to be happy!
And what do you mean by being happy?
I want to feel that my life is moving in a positive direction I guess.
And what would be a positive direction for you?
A direction that I know, that would be successful.
So what you really mean is you want your life to be safe. You are looking for a place where you can’t be hurt, confused, and afraid?
Okay, yes, I think I get your point!
Isn’t that what every human being is looking for, a place in themselves where they are absolutely safe and comfortable, unshakable, unmovable, happy, contented, that they can’t be blocked by life?
Yes, I guess you are correct. So what’s wrong with that?
Nothing is wrong with it and nothing is right with it. It is just the way it is!
Well, if it’s not right, and if it’s not wrong, how do you possibly find your way then?
I don’t think there are many people finding their way and that is why they are so unhappy. There’s a lot of people doing things that they really don’t enjoy or love to do, but are caught in the rat race of life and filling their head with other people’s dreams.
Well that certainly sounds like me. I don’t know what the hell I really want anyway. Every time I think I establish what’s good for me, I always end up sabotaging the whole thing anyway.
Finding our way in this world is a difficult thing and it is becoming more difficult, because we are educated so poorly. Most of us are educated to fit into the economic world, and its great needs. This is the impact of technology on human resources. Whatever the trend within the technological, the market for jobs and education is the chased endeavor.
Well that may very well be, but how does this impact on me, a very simple person? And why do I feel so confused all the time?
Because, and I’m not trying to be rude, but is it not because you are deeply confused? And in your confusion, not being able to satisfy what you want, and the object of your desires are ever-changing, you’re always trying to become something better than what you are. This movement of human activity is based in one major factor, and that is fear.
Well, what is it that we’re so afraid of?
Do you feel the fear?
Of course I do, I was even afraid to come and talk to you today because of the reputation you have with my friends. They speak so highly of you.
Miss I’m sorry, but again I don’t mean to be rude but you coming to see me today, is that not also out of your fear? You think I can help you. You think that through talking to me, I can end your confusion. You believe that in talking to me, you can improve yourself, and that the self-improvement is going to give you a lot of satisfaction. Do you ever examine why you’re so dissatisfied?
Well, I know I’m dissatisfied. I’m dissatisfied with so many things in my life.
Then why not understand dissatisfaction? This need to better oneself, is this not the fundamental conditioning of thought? There is nothing wrong with trying to improve yourself in the outward conditions of your life, like a better job, better house, better car, etcetera…
This whole thing seems so deep to me. I’m not used to talking about stuff like this.
When you say stuff like this, what do you actually mean?
What I mean is that the questions that you are asking are pretty deep and I really don’t know how to answer them.
Why is it that you don’t know how to answer then?
I don’t know why. Why do you ask another question?
The reason you are having difficulty with these questions is because you have never put these questions to your self before. In the past you have been confused. You have always tried to become better or better yourself. Now I am asking you to look deeper into things, rather than run your confusion or seeing that your confusion is wrong. Embrace your confusion and understand it and when you understand something, does not that free the mind from that thing?
So what you are saying then is my confusion is me running away from something.
I’m saying all confusion is the running away from something. Human beings are deeply confused, that is essential and then in our confusion, we create authorities and look to such as priests and politicians, who use psychiatrists for the answer.
Okay, I see the world doing that.
But do you see that you too are the world, that this movement is the movement you are also doing?
Yes, I see that I know that I’m confused, and I do know that I’m always trying to improve myself, by reading some book, following somebody’s recipe, which, by the way, pisses me off because if I stay around those people long enough I notice they have the same flaws I do!
Okay. So then, what is a human being to do? When one realizes that they have an image of themselves put together by thinking, imposed by their culture, sustained by their practice and because of that practice, aren’t they imposing their images on other people? Then, one also has to see that one’s whole brain is conditioned to the process of constant improvement as the self is trying to improve itself.
Yes, I can see that, I have noticed in my life that I do things that I know I should do. Yet I do them anyway and half the time I’m doing these things, because…?
Because you are afraid, deeply afraid, deeply afraid of being nothing.
Okay, I see what you’re saying and I would say I do spend most of my time afraid.
Now, what I’m saying is you spend most of your time being active, involved in activity, based on the demand for pleasure.
Okay, I get what you’re saying, but I still don’t see how it fits in. I know that I’m afraid, but what you’re saying is that I’m covering it up.
Yes, human beings become active, we are full of activity. We are driven to remain active in other words, because we can’t be alone with ourselves, because when we’re alone, when we’re quiet, we have to face that fear.
I can see what you’re saying. You know, just the other day I had a chance to be alone and you know what I did? I got on the phone and I must’ve called twenty people just to distract myself from all this mess.
Yes Miss, you are the mess!
Well thanks a lot! I’ve never had anyone tell me that before. But it sounds so right. Then, what the hell am I to do?
You see Miss doing something is an activity. When you face yourself the way you are and see the fact that you are the disorder in your life, you can do absolutely nothing about it. Perhaps doing nothing is the new action. Suppose for a moment, you notice yourself being jealous. Most people ignore their jealousy, or they find ways to cope with it. Both are disorder. What I’m saying is that jealousy is part of the self. You understand that part which is jealousy by looking at it directly without trying to run from it, condemn it, justify it, but by watching it, observing its movement. In that state of watchfulness, one gets an understanding of jealousy, and that jealousy comes to an end. Then you grab or understand the full significance of something. You’re no longer caught in its web. So the question is never ‘how’. The question is to end my daily disorder that is shown to me in all my daily relationships with people and things, because this is where my big fat ego shows up and poisons everything it touches.
Has anyone ever told you that you are exhausting to talk to?! I can recognize that I’ve never had a conversation like this with someone before, and there’s something in it. I don’t know what makes sense. Yet my mind still wants to carry on the same way. But everything we discuss I feel like you’re kind of putting everything away. I’ve got nothing to stand on here, nothing to hold on to.
Yes, the fact is, the self is always looking for security and permanency. It’s looking for something to hold on to, because it wants to give itself qualities that it really doesn’t have to keep itself living, when the self is just a product of the past.
Now when you say that self is a product of the past, I don’t understand!!! Can you explain that a little bit?
Self is the product of the past. What is your self? We call ourselves by our needs, which we’ve learned because it was told to us from our past by calling ourselves Canadians or Americans or Hindus or Christians. That is put together over time, and added to in the present, but it comes about through knowledge, collected knowledge, accumulated in the past. If I call myself a plumber or a doctor or lawyer or business person or a writer, that too is put together through gathering knowledge, which is made up of the past, and the whole structure of my self is put together through knowledge, which is the past.
I have never thought of it like that before, but what you are saying makes sense. My family, I’m born into, that’s outside of me, being told I’m an Australian. That’s outside of me, being raised as a Christian, that’s outside of me. Then I went to Uni and gathered some knowledge. That’s outside of me. That is fucking amazing. I have never thought about that. But what you’re saying it really bothers me like it pisses me off, and I feel cranky. I don’t know if I’m angry at you or angry at me.
Miss, the fact is the self doesn’t want to be disturbed. And when the self does, often the first choice is anger.
This has been an unbelievable conversation for me; I know what my friends are talking about now. This is really weird. I have so much to think about.
You see Miss in your language, you have things to think about. If you’re dealing with technology, thinking has its place. Where you’re dealing with matters of relationship, the mind and the heart, thinking has no place.
This has been a life-changing conversation. Thank you, coach Brian, if I can call you that.
You’re welcome
Coachbri