She’s in Pain & Spoiling Our Kids – Response to your Questions
Brian,
If you can offer some advice on this problem I’m having that would be really appreciated.
So, theres this girl that I’ve been kinda seeing for the past few weeks, about a week ago she told me she is addicted to crystal meth. She says she wants to get off it and is trying to use less and less but if she doesn’t use she cant function at all and just lies in bed feeling like shit. Her theory is this, just use enough so she can do things like work etc and gradually get off it. I don’t think that will work. I can understand why she uses, she has a really troubled past with alot of abuse and other bad things happening to her, most of which is too painful for her to even talk about, so using is her way to block it all out and feel better even if only for a while. She is also on a bunch of prescribed medicine for depression, anxiety, and taking tranquilizers etc.
I want to help her but really don’t know what I can do. Whenever we are together, if we are having fun she is high and if she isn’t then she is just sleeping, or feeling really sick. Also since Ive been trying to help her by just being with her Ive been ignoring things I should be doing for myself which may sound a Little selfish but i feel like on one hand its too much for me to deal with but on the other I want to help her and cant just walk away, she doesn’t really have any friends or family that can help her.
If she doesn’t stop this will kill her.
Oh yea, when I was young my dad died from a drug overdose, that’s probably why this is really close to me.
Please help if you can.
Thankyou
Michael
Hi Brian.John Leinemann here, conrad’s brother. Last year when you saw Barb and I, you said “would not it not be a wonderful world if all the children were spoiled”. I was wondering if you could expand on that?Thanks, John.
Click Comments to read Coach Bri’s response.
Dear John and Michael,
With all the suffering, poverty and hunger in the world and how we live in North America and the abundance of what our children have, I think it’s sad. We have so much and yet we are suffering to the same extent as in the Third World – our suffering is just different. We suffer psychologically because we have a belief that the worth of a person is expressed in what they have – the car they drive, the home they live in, the letters after their name, or the size of their bank account.
When we look at spoiling a child I feel that every child should grow up with the feeling that they are loved and important and, most of all, they need to feel listened to. It is a blessing to have the time to spend with a child and what they teach us about what is really important in this life. Now the previous person, Michael, sent me an email regarding a girl whose life is in trouble with regard to drugs. Why do people resort to these behaviours and get addicted to drugs? Is it not that they are disconnected from people and relationship in their lives because they didn’t get the caring and love they needed? They weren’t listened to, put first in anyone’s life. So here they are now, in pain and life sucks, so what do they do to deal with the pain and all the disconnection? They use. You have only to look at your own life and see what you do when you are in pain. That allows us to understand why we need to let every person and child think that they are the cat’s meow. Every child, every person needs relationships where they are loved and cared about, and spoiled with affection, so they grow up feeling confident, and can build trust with other people to satisfya their wants and needs. This poor girl who is in deep trouble must find some relationship, maybe a sponsor in a program, if she is ever to have the chance of rehabilitating. Michael, you are kind person who wants to help and maybe you can. This girl needs a program and a lot of support and kindness. Maybe here she will find that she is worth it, life is worth it and she can make a change if she wants to. Most people in these type of traps need people who once were in the trap to show them the way out. So it is very specialized help. But why should she change when most adults in her life have let her down? We all pay the price for poor parenting, but we can be better parents if we are willing to stop blaming life, parents, karma, and others for the state we are in. We can have a better life if we choose it. If we want the world to be a better place we must be that change we want in the world. The best thing that I know to make the world a better place is to do something for someone else. Michael, she does need help but so much that you yourself will not be able to provide. Talk to her, get close to her and support her in some program that is available in your area through social services. Let her feel your love and care but don’t put yourself in harms way. There are people who are trained for this type of help but stay connected, and every chance you get, make it a positive connection. Spoil her a little!
I hope this answers your questions.
Coach Bri
There’s no doubt that I love my girlfriend.
Every once in a while we have a minor conflict and we have become quite good at evaluating ourselves and seeing our own selfishness that is destroying our relationships.
I have to admit, its usually me who is at fault when there is a conflict.
When I am in the moment where I say something that she is hurt by, I realize it immediately but I am too egotistical to fix it (love) in the moment. I almost, in the moment, like to see her feel insecure. I wait untill the next moment that I am alone (could be hours later or even days) to really put myself under the microscope and self-evaluate and apologize.
“Why does she have to feel insecure” I like to ask. I think the answer is that, I do things where she chooses to feel insecure. If I were to spoil her (as Brian talks about when answering John’s Q about spoiling children) and just love her all the time, she wouldn’t choose to feel insecure.
Why do I not choose to respond by embracing her and loving her instead of ignoring her call for me to love her?
I know the answer. But to know and not do is more painful than not knowing. That is my struggle.
RIch
Hi Rich
We make relationships into a struggle because our minds are so occupied with superficial things. Whenever we are inattentive to the needs of another we also are inattentive to our own needs. Our outward behaviours is but a shadow of our inner state of being. In life we are all not really committed to setting our self free. This lack of commitment shows up everywhere in our lives. If one is committed to a deep purpose then there is never any confusion at all in life about what we must or must not do to another. That is if one is committed to ending all external control psychology, which is the root of all conflict between you and anyone. So no matter what we do in life in every situation. It provides us the chance to see our external psychology and end it, but only if we are committed to really changing and seeing that we choose our misery. We are insecure because we have reduced life to images that we have created first about ourselves and then about others. These images about others are put together by thought as is our own self image. This center of images is put together by thought and is responsible for the insecure feelings we have. Most people are committed to images which are our idolatries. It is a way of running a power trip to control others. The world has always been, and will always be mad until people see that they have to commit to being free of external psychology and all its habits. They can only do this if we are deeply committed to this and nothing else. Surely if we live that way then everything else will take care of itself. Committing to how you do what you do and whatever you do will be excellent, whole loving.
Coach Bri
ps but what do I know!