Catching My Own Arrogance
It had been an hour since the rain had ended. There were four squirrels playing. A black squirrel was chasing a grey squirrel around the well-kept garden. The man in a wheelchair seemed to enjoy the squirrels so much. He would call to them by simply lifting his hand high and low and the squirrels would come running. He kept a bag of peanuts in the back of his wheelchair. He would reach around with his good arm and grab some nuts and give them to the squirrels. He seemed to get so much joy from them and in return they got their share of food to store for the winter. The other two squirrels that were playing would stop chasing each other for a moment and then the one being chased would take the turn chasing the other. This went on for several hours. And many of the residents found enjoyment from these little squirrels.
Sitting in the evening there was still a storm over London. And from the distance the clouds would light up the sky. The night was full and rich with cool moist air. The stars in the sky were bright with deep darkness around them. The contrast between them was strong. To the south the storm and its light show and the star-covered sky to the north was intoxicating. My mind drifted to God and this marvelous earth and how we are killing it. I thought of all the things on the planet that are as beautiful as this evening and caught myself asking God to give me some sign of its existence. I then thought NO! How can I be as arrogant as that? If there was a God, how could all these things that happen to people, the war, murder and the organized madness of war, be permitted by a supreme being? And here I sit in this wealthy country, looking at the evening sky. How will my next day be of any use other than to myself? The proof I wanted melted away and I thought of what proof I can give to show God, or that order or intelligence, my commitment to it. How will my today and tomorrow be of any use to the millions that suffer because of religious or political beliefs that keep us all separate and divided? I am so sick of myself and my own judgment of others and how deeply, inwardly, my self has so little love and is the cause of conflict and my petty wars within me. The question ‘What will tomorrow bring?’ is so full of self-interest. What I do tomorrow for my fellow man is the only thing that sets up in me a chance to feel a deep sense of peace. How often I fail the calling of my own heart, to heal when I can, to love and be kind, to help another with their burden.
Coach bri
What I find problematic about judgement for myself is that even though I’m aware of it, It appears that I am not working hard enough or my awareness is not acute enough to stop or curb my judgement. It always appears to be hindsight. Why can’t I stop the judgement before that?
I create the same and i am realizing that i must not really seeing the dangers of what i’m doing. And the harder i try the more it feels like it is more my “self” trying to achieve than really being here now.
The fact is that people are not really invested in their own change. We hate war and conflict and yet we respond to it with ideas and ideals. The question is can one be aware of ones own judgement? To ansewer this question one must look at what awareness is. Awareness is not put together by thought, as judgement is rooted in thought. One can not think themselves to be aware! Awareness comes by seeing that one is unaware. In seeing how inattentive one is, attention breaks out. Just to see how unlovng one is, is the flowering of love. Judgement is the result of the self image. We are so deeply conditioned to form an image of ourselves and therefore have an image of others. Only when self is not occupied with its self all judgement is gone. Self & ego is the root to all our problems. To be aware of ones self interest and all the ways of self, is to put self at bay. Awareness is the action of preception, that preception is rooted in truth. Truth is the thing that sets us free of our judgement. But first one must see the fact of judgement and lack of awareness.