Listening
Listening bring its own discipline!
He was VP of a midsized company and was having difficulty getting through to his managers.
I have called you and I was told that you are going out of the country for a few weeks and I am in a crisis. I was wondering if you would have the time to see me. A good friend of mine suggested that I meet with you after a long argument that we had at a squash club after a drink or two.
He told me the man’s name and I informed him that I was leaving in two days so meeting would have to be when I returned. He then asked if we could meet over the phone as he was in a crisis and I was now his only chance and his friend strongly recommended me. I said that was fine and we set up a time for later that evening when we could talk.
It was after 9pm when I called. He picked up his phone quickly and said “You’re late! Ten minutes late!”
I apologized and explained that before going away I wanted to read a story to my daughter as I would not be doing this for sometime. He was very abrupt and said he really wasn’t interested in talking now. I ignored his lack of interest and stated my view of the problem as he had educated me about his situation a few hours ago.
You seem to be having some difficulty at work connecting with the managers!
Well, your damn fu…. right! Do you know that after I got off the phone today from talking to you I went into a meeting and no one offered any ideas or solutions to my problems in production at all, not even one of them?!
So what did you do with that information?
I yelled a bit! I told them all that I believe we have the brains in the room to figure this out; and if they weren’t so goddamn lazy I would be a lot happier.
Did you get what you wanted from yelling at them?
Well it sure the hell feels good!
Yeah, I know that yelling at that moment may feel good but do you think that it helped you get the help you want from your managers?
Hell no!
When someone yells at you, what does that do for you?
Well nothing I guess. I just see that they’re upset.
Okay. Do you think your managers listen to you?
Well of course they don’t. That’s why I am having this problem in the first place.
So then who is listening to you and how do you know when you’re listening or being listened to and where is understanding in all this?
You know I really don’t have the time for all these questions! Can you meet with these managers when you get back?
I would love to meet them but you told me very clearly that a good friend of both yours and mine requested that you call me, did he not?
Yeah!
So do you trust this person?
Yeah.
Do you think of him as a good friend?
Yes! What are you driving at?
Well, do you trust this person with you life?
Well maybe!
I think you do and I think your friend is sick of fighting about these issues.
What issues?!
Well it sounds to me that your friend…
[interrupting] Have you talked with him? Is this some kind of joke?
No I haven’t talked with him and if he’s as good a friend as you say he is, would he joke like this with you?
[long pause] No he wouldn’t do that!
Ok so I think your argument was about you not being able to listen, am I right?
[long pause ] Yeah, yeah I guess.
That’s pretty hard to hear but what does your wife say about this? Do you have the same problem with her, not able to listen?
No way. She gives me one chance to get what she is saying and if I don’t she just does her own thing and I am not included in her plans.
Wow, she sounds like a smart lady. How long have you been married?
It has been 26 years now! Would you call it a good marriage?
Yeah, we are happy most of the time!
Would you like to improve your marriage and at the same time improve your relationships with your managers?
Why are you bringing them into this?
Well, what happens when your wife doesn’t feel listened to?
I told you that she just does her own thing. And what are you complaining about in regard to your managers?
Holy shit! They’re doing their own thing!
You got it! Look, real communication is meeting at the same place at the same time with the same intensity. You can’t listen to someone if, as they are speaking, you are making mental notes to support you arguments. This is the sickness of lawyers who are trained in the art arguments. Listening demands care, emptiness and freedom from the thinking process. Only in that can we really work together toward quality in anything!
Wow! I see what you are saying. This has been most revealing conversation I have ever had. I hope we can have more.
Sir you have taught me something as well.
Yeah, like what?
That all relationship is the process of getting yourself out of the way!
Wow, that sounds funny and far from what I have been trained to do.
Yes sir, and there lies the pain!