Looking at the Indifference
It was almost 9pm when I arrived. I had put off seeing this person because of the chore it was to spend time with them. In our meeting it took only a short time before the insults were flying at me. And the visit began as I thought it would and it was taking all my energy to sit and listen. I asked myself between the silence of insults why it was so difficult to be with this member of the family. I had many blaming and negative ideas about why and quickly saw that they were all the invention of my own self and critical of their self.
I took a deep breath and laughed. This brought immediate attention to the situation so that the person said,
“What was so funny? Are you laughing at me or are you practicing your sick meditation on me?”
”No, I was laughing how much of a fool I am and how critical and indifferent I am to you.”
“Yeah you sure are, duh!”
It wasn’t until that moment I saw the ugliness between us and my own wanting something back from the relationship on my terms. Seeing that I decided only to remain in it and do nothing. After a few more insults the person told me that this conversation was boring and asked when was I going to grow up and not be so weird. Others saw what was going on and, trying to end the tension, entered the conversation with small talk. I was relieved and responded to the questions of others.
The sun was setting and the sky at the horizon stretched from light purple to the deep red glowing ball. Night was falling and with it the tiredness of the day, one wanted to be alone but felt pressure to stay and be a part of one’s own indifference.
Brian