CoachBri’s Blog

The day was bright and full of promise. One could feel the warmth of the spring sun on one’s face. Climbing on the maple trees were small sap flies – a sure sign of warmer weather. The flies seemed to stay close to the tree but every so often they would spring to life and hover around the dark creviced bark. The little bugs were more active in the sun. They seemed to delight in its energy and then they landed again and remained perfectly still.

All of nature seems to operate as movement and rest. The whole universe is in a state of meditation. Meditation is deep, radical, and therefore profound. Any time the human mind makes contact with the movement deeper than itself there is instant order. That order is a true internal movement. Very few human beings are interested in the movement that offers no reward or significance to their self-centered egos.

At Friday night group, we all come with a tremendous amount of baggage, of opinions, ideas, and self-centered projections. The significance of Friday night group is established when people are willing to let go of their point of view and find the necessity to empty all of one’s preconceived notions and ideas to enter a state of dialogue. The dialogue is in itself free from all personal intentions and is a simple movement of discovering an action that can free the mind from having the thinking process as the dominant function of the brain.

In order for this process to be discovered, one must first address all the external psychology dominating their brain, which is the source of all conflict. When the brain is caught in any contradiction, trying to become something that it isn’t, or trying to achieve a self-projected result, it is a source of disorder and human misery. The intent of Friday night group is to give people a chance to think together, which means the ability to address our human disorder in the personal realm that is responsible for global disorder.

Human beings do not want to see that the soul they have is the creation of external psychology. This means any imposed morals from the outside are not moral. The immoral is a movement from the outside, rules or laws imposed to keep us on a moral path. Why can’t we face the fact that we are immoral? Yet we cannot choose who we love; we can only choose the behavior we use to express that love. It follows then that we can only choose the behavior to also express hatred, prejudice, fear, anger, anxiety, agreed etc. Very few people are really interested and see the significance that one’s daily problems are the problems of the world.

I am sure you have heard that saying, “To be in this world but not of this world”. I understand this to mean that even though one thinks, the thinking process is used by something much deeper in the human mind. Therefore thought or the thinking process is a functional process dealing specifically with material in the physical world. Thinking is made out of material processes in the brain. Any process, however grand or so-called sacred, is just an expression of external psychology. The art of dialogue is a group of people, two or more, willing to set aside everything they know and look at things for the first time. This process of emptying is to live in the present and no guru, book, tradition, or ritual can bring about a state of mind that
is internal, orderly, and not practiced. If one sees the disorder that they are caught in completely, the perception of that disorder is the action that is internal psychology. Happy are those who find this.

The shadows from the trees on the snow grow longer as the afternoon deepens; a few squirrels have come down from the tree to check me out. Their inquisitiveness and their hunt for food is impressive – they seem to move in an attentive state. That level of attention keeps them alive and in a relationship with their environment. If only humans could apply that same attentiveness to the doings of thought! Then we too would be in a state of meditation where psychological problems are not. Friday night group is a place where psychological problems end. In that ending there is a new beginning to bathe in that emptiness is to understand the significance of nothingness. In the universe nothingness is holding everything together.

Coach Bri

I was thinking about what you have said at Friday night group, and I had a flash of what I think may be that order you were talking about. What I saw was that I have been raised in a so-called religious home. But when I think of all the external control applied by my parents I feel that the level of criticism that I received and now practice on my family is what you say is my disorder. I think I see this. My son acts out of his disorder and I add to it. Do I have this correct?

What is the disorder you practice on your son?

Well, it is the same as I practiced on my husband! That anger and frustration!

Yes but are you not the anger and frustration, which is the fact of your disorder?

Yes, so what do I do now? Practice internal psychology, right?

So what do you do in your anger and frustration?

As you have said a thousand times, I choose a behavior that kills the relationships so I am caught in the thinking mode and I have to act it out on someone.

Can you see that choosing a predisposed position is one action that again reinforces the thinking process and external psychology?

I don’t follow that! Do you mean that practicing an internal psychology is also part of disorder?

No, I don’t think you can willfully practice an internal psychology.

I don’t understand. Can you make it clearer?

One must come to terms with something!

And that something is?

Your brain, my brain, is caught in a web called consciousness. It is made up of a self and every person has a self. Self is a product of memory, which is caught in time because self is a product of experience.

Ok I get that! Self is a group of experiences that I gather in the brain as memory. But I have a sense that I have aged and am wiser now than I was 10 years ago!

Yes but you’re not!

How do you know that?

You just have more knowledge about your self but you are still caught in your animal instincts and sustain them by using thought.

Okay I am more sustaining now than I was when I was 20.

Yes, true, but that is proof your not wiser!

I don’t get this then!!

Yes I know! Look at it! Or don’t look – the choice is yours.

No I want to look at it! It is just you piss me off so much.

Yes I know!

See! So you’re doing it on purpose!

No! You are angry now with me, right? Or your son or husband right?

Yes! Yes!

Who is it that is angry?

My self at your self!

So is your self different from your anger?

Yes, there is anger then there is me, my self acting out the anger!

What if you is anger!

Me is anger? I don’t get that.

You see, external control psychology has built the self out of memory. Self is a bundle of memory stored in the brain called self.

Okay, I see that and I guess it sounds right!

This sense of self is formed from the outside!
If I asked you, who you are, you would say what?

That I am me!

And who is you!

I would say I am a Canadian, a mother, a wife!

Yes and where did you learn that?

I guess from my parents!

Yes, but partly from your environment or society.

Okay!

And that is external from you!

What do you mean by that, “external from you”?

Well, you were conditioned to think you are Canadian.

I am a Canadian!

Yes, when you accept who you are governed by the external thinking. If you were born in the same place 500 years ago, would you still be a Canadian?

Of course I would!

Canada didn’t exist as Canada 500 years ago. The land did but not the conditioning called Canada.

Yes, I see what you’re driving at! How about my beliefs?

They are all put in you then you modify them to suit your experience.

Yes, but I have a belief about the universal energy and reincarnation! That is real!

Real yes, but untrue.

What do you mean? It is true to me. I live by it!

Yes each person lives according to his own belief! But why? Why is believing so important to us? To you or any human being?

Because it gives life meaning?

Okay, how? It only gives you a sense of false security!

Look I believe what I believe and I have the … damn…

Right to! And that right gives one a sense of security, no?

And what is wrong with feeling secure?

Well isn’t the demand for security a sign of insecurity!

Okay I think I see that?

Think you see that? Isn’t every problem you have with your husband and son you looking for security and if they only did what you said, lived how you want them to, there would be no conflict?

Yes okay, I see it! I see it! I get it!

What is it you get?

When I have problems with them we are in conflict and I see I’m the source of that conflict. I get that when my belief is there for them my self is there. The feeling of anger and frustration is the self, which is me in action.

Yes, now what can you do about that?

I don’t know? My life is this!

Yes it is! Now can I see that trying to change in any way is to avoid my inner ugliness and the fact that me, anger, frustration is all one clump of self or ego. So if I try to do anything to self, to change, is the wrong approach. This is self judging self, trying to get out of self, which strengthens self!

You know I think I do that! Strange as it is! That is my life.

Okay, so see the fact and remain with the fact that the self-centered movement is one movement. Fear is self, hurt is self etc. You can’t do anything about it. If you do you are creating more conflict. If you are willing to end all conflict, self and its beliefs no longer fuel external psychology and one comes upon a deep movement not the product of the self. That movement brings order and that order is a new beginning.

I have lots to think about! Thank you!!!

You’re welcome.

Coach bri

Saturday 12 December 2009

by: Evelyn Pringle, t r u t h o u t | Report
from http://www.truthout.org/1213091

Prescriptions for psychiatric drugs increased 50 percent with children in the US, and 73 percent among adults, from 1996 to 2006, according to a study in the May/June 2009 issue of the journal Health Affairs. Another study in the same issue of Health Affairs found spending for mental health care grew more than 30 percent over the same ten-year period, with almost all of the increase due to psychiatric drug costs.

On April 22, 2009, the US Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality reported that in 2006 more money was spent on treating mental disorders in children aged 0 to 17 than for any other medical condition, with a total of $8.9 billion. By comparison, the cost of treating trauma-related disorders, including fractures, sprains, burns, and other physical injuries, was only $6.1 billion.

In 2008, psychiatric drug makers had overall sales in the US of $14.6 billion from antipsychotics, $9.6 billion off antidepressants, $11.3 billion from antiseizure drugs and $4.8 billion in sales of ADHD drugs, for a grand total of $40.3 billion.

The path to child drugging in the US started with providing adolescents with stimulants for ADHD in the early 80s. That was followed by Prozac in the late 80s, and in the mid-90s drug companies started claiming that ADHD kids really had bipolar disorder, coinciding with the marketing of epilepsy drugs as “mood stablizers” and the arrival of the new atypical antipsychotics.

Parents can now have their kids declared disabled due to mental illness and receive Social Security disability payments and free medical care, and schools can get more money for disabled kids. The bounty for the prescribing doctors and pharmacies is enormous and the CEOs of the drug companies are laughing all the way into early retirement.

Psychiatric Drugs Explained

During an interview with Street Spirit in August 2005, investigative journalist and author of “Mad in America,” Robert Whitaker, described the dangers of psychiatric drugs. “When you look at the research literature, you find a clear pattern of outcomes with all these drugs,” he said, “you see it with the antipsychotics, the antidepressants, the anti-anxiety drugs and the stimulants like Ritalin used to treat ADHD.”

“All these drugs may curb a target symptom slightly more effectively than a placebo does for a short period of time, say six weeks,” Whitaker said. However, what “you find with every class of these psychiatric drugs is a worsening of the target symptom of depression or psychosis or anxiety, over the long term, compared to placebo-treated patients.”

“So even on the target symptoms, there’s greater chronicity and greater severity of symptoms,” he reports, “And you see a fairly significant percentage of patients where new and more severe psychiatric symptoms are triggered by the drug itself.”

Whitaker told Street Spirit that the rate of Americans disabled by mental illness has skyrocketed since Prozac came on the market in 1987, and reports: (1) the number of mentally disabled people in the US has been increasing at a rate of 150,000 people per year since 1987, (2) that represents an increase of 410 new people per day and (3) the disability rate has continued to increase and one in every 50 Americans is disabled by mental illness.

The statistics above beg the question of how could this happen when the so-called new generation of “wonder drugs” arrived on the market during the exact same time period. The truth is, the “wonder drugs” cause most of the bizarre behaviors listed by doctors to warrant a mental illness disability.

Psychiatric Drug Goldmine

The CIA “World Factbook” estimate the world population to be about 6.8 billion and the US population to be a mere 307 million. In an April 2008 report, the market research firm Datamonitor reported that the “US dominates the ADHD market with a 94 percent market share.”

ADHD drug prices at a middle dose for 90 pills at DrugStore.com, are: Adderall $278, Concerta $412, Desoxyn $366, Strattera $464 and Vyvanse $385. Daytrana costs $437 for three boxes of 30 nine-hour patches.

The SSRI and SNRI antidepressants include GlaxoSmithKline’s Paxil and Wellbutrin, Pfizer’s Zoloft, Celexa and Lexapro from Forest Labs, Luvox by Solvay, Wyeth’s Effexor and Pristiq and Lilly’s Prozac and Cymbalta. The average price of these drugs is about $300 for 90 pills at DrugStore.com.

The prices for anticonvulsants can run as high as $929 for 180 tablets of Glaxo’s Lamictal, and $1170 for 180 tablets of Johnson & Johnson’s Topamax.

In 2008, the atypical antipsychotics took over the slot as the top revenue earners in the US, and include Seroquel by AstraZeneca; Risperdal and Invega marketed by Janssen, a division of J&J; Geodon by Pfizer; Abilify from Bristol-Myers Squibb; Novartis’ Clozaril and Eli Lilly’s Zyprexa. The average price on these drugs for 100 pills at DrugStore.com is about $1,000. Lilly also sells Symbyax, a drug with Zyprexa and Prozac combined, at a cost $1,564 for 90 capsules at DrugStore.com in May 2009.

The briefing material submitted to an FDA advisory panel in April 2009 reported that an estimated 25.9 million patients worldwide had been exposed to Seroquel since its launch in 1997 through July 31, 2007, in the US, and the second quarter of 2007 for countries outside the US. Of that number, an estimated nearly 15.9 million took Seroquel in the US, compared to only ten million patients in the rest of the world. In 2008, the US accounted for roughly $3 billion of Seroquel’s $4.5 billion in worldwide sales.

For the full-year of 2008, Eli Lilly reported worldwide Zyprexa sales of about $4.7 billion, with US sales of $2.2 billion and only $2.5 billion for the rest of the world.

FDA as Promotional Tool

On June 12, 2009, an FDA advisory panel gave the green light to expand the marketing of Zyprexa, Seroquel and Geodon for use with 13 to 17 year-olds diagnosed with schizophrenia and 10 to 17 year-olds diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The FDA usually follows its advisers’ recommendations.

“Such approval gives manufacturers a shield from liability – for illegally promoting the drugs for off-label use,” said Vera Hassner Sharav, president of the Alliance for Human Research Protection.

“And such approval ensures increased use of these drugs,” she warned. “Manufacturers and mental health providers will profit while children’s physical and mental health will be sacrificed.”

“The body of evidence showing these drugs to be harmful is irrefutable,” she said, “it is documented in FDA’s postmarketing database, and in secret internal company documents uncovered during litigation.”

According to Dr. Stefan Kruszewski, a Harvard-trained psychiatrist from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, the atypicals increase the risk of obesity, type II diabetes, hypertension, heart attacks and stroke.

He said the drugs were marketed as safer and easier to tolerate than the older, cheaper antipsychotics because they would cause fewer neurological injuries like tardive dyskinesia and akathisia.

Those claims turned out to be totally false, he said, and “they continue to cause same neurological side-effects as the older antipsychotics.”

“Children are known to be compliant patients and that makes them a highly desirable market for drugs, especially when it pertains to large-profit-margin psychiatric drugs, which can be wrought with issues of non-compliance because of their horrendous side effect profiles,” according to a June 29, 2009 paper titled, “Drugging Our Children to Death,” in Health News Digest.com, by Gwen Olsen, who spent over a decade as a pharmaceutical sales rep, and authored the book, “Confessions of an Rx Drug Pusher.”

Children are forced to take their drugs by doctors, parents and school personnel, she said. “So, children are the ideal patient-type because they represent refilled prescription compliance and ‘longevity.’”

“In other words,” Olsen noted, “they will be lifelong patients and repeat customers for Pharma!”

“The initiative to drug our children for profit has exceeded all common sense boundaries and is threatening the welfare of every American child,” she stated, and it “is up to each and every one of us to stop this madness!”

Drug Makers Busted

Most all of the psychiatric drug companies have come under investigation over the past several years for promoting their drugs for off-label use, especially with children. However, the fines they end up paying are trivial compared to the profits earned through the illegal marketing campaigns.

In September 2007, Bristol-Myers Squibb entered into a $515 million civil settlement with the US Department of Justice for illegally marketing drugs, including Abilify, for off-label uses. In the first six months of 2009, Abilify had sales of $1.9 billion. In 2008, the salary and compensation package of Bristol-Myers’ CEO, James Cornelius, was $23,150,236, according to the AFL-CIO’s Executive PayWatch Database.

On January 29, 2009, Paxil and Wellbutrin maker, GlaxoSmithKline, announced that it would record a legal charge in the fourth quarter of 2008 of $400 million relating to an ongoing investigation initiated by the US attorney’s office in Colorado into the US marketing and promotional practices for several products for the period 1997 to 2004. The government inquired about alleged off-label marketing as well as medical education programs for doctors, “other speaker events, special issue boards, advisory boards, speaker training programmes, clinical studies, and related grants, fees, travel and entertainment,” according to a Glaxo annual report.

In January 2009, Eli Lilly settled with the DOJ and more than 30 states for $1.4 billion over the off-label marketing of Zyprexa. The agreement included a $615 million fine for a federal criminal charge. But $1.4 billion was chump change considering that Zyprexa was still Lilly’s best seller in 2008, with sales of $4.69 billion. Lilly also has paid over $1 billion to settle lawsuits filed by Zyprexa patients. In the first six months of 2009, Zyprexa sales were $1.5 billion. In 2008, Lilly’s CEO, John Lechleiter, had a pay package worth $12,856,882

In September 2009, the DOJ reached a $2.3 billion settlement with Pfizer related to the off-label promotion of several drugs, including the psychiatric drugs, Geodon, Zoloft and Lyrica, in the largest health-care fraud settlement in history. But even though Pfizer took the entire $2.3 billion as an earnings charge for the fourth quarter of 2008, the drug maker was still able to post a fourth quarter profit of $268 million. Pfizer’s CEO in 2008, Jeffrey Kindler, had a salary and pay package of $15,547,600.

Johnson & Johnson is also dealing with the DOJ and state-level investigations into the off-label marketing of Risperdal. The company’s latest SEC filing lists nine subpoenas received by the company involving promotions of Risperdal, including one “seeking information regarding the Company’s financial relationship with several psychiatrists.” In the first six months of 2009, Risperdal earned $660 million. J&J’s CEO, William Weldon, had a pay package worth $29,127,432 in 2008.

AstraZeneca’s third quarter SEC filing lists a $520 million tentative settlement agreement with the US attorney’s office in Philadelphia to resolve allegations related to the off-label marketing of Seroquel. At “least 34 states are pursuing separate investigations of AstraZeneca’s marketing practices as part of a joint investigation and others may be conducting their own probes,” according to Ed Silverman on Pharmalot.

“A half a billion dollar one-time settlement is just a small cost of doing business for a company that sold $17 billion worth of the offending drug in the last five years,” Dr. Roy Poses points out on the Health Care Renewal web site. In 2008 alone, Seroquel had world-wide sales of more than $4.4 billion.

As of July 13, 2009, AstraZeneca was also defending approximately 10,381 served or answered personal injury lawsuits and approximately 19,391 plaintiff groups involving Seroquel, according to SEC filings. Some of the cases also include claims against other drug makers such as Eli Lilly, Janssen Pharmaceutica and/or Bristol-Myers Squibb, the filing notes.

On September 23, 2009, Shire Pharmaceuticals received a subpoena from the US Department of Health and Human Services Office of Inspector General in coordination with the US attorney for the Eastern District of Pennsylvania, seeking production of documents related to the sales and marketing of Adderall XR, Daytrana and Vyvanse, according to Shire’s third quarter report for 2009.

In a November 6, 2009, SEC filing, Abbott Labs said the federal prosecutor for the Western District of Virginia was conducting an investigation for the US Justice Department of whether the company’s sales and marketing of Depakote violated civil or criminal laws, including the Federal False Claims Act and an anti-kickback statute related to reimbursement by Medicare and Medicaid programs to third parties.

In 2008, Depakote had sales of $1.36 billion and Abbott CEO, Miles White, had a salary and compensation package of $28,253,387.

In February 2009, the DOJ unsealed a lawsuit alleging that Forest Laboratories marketed the antidepressants Celexa and Lexapro for unapproved uses in children, and paid kickbacks to induce doctors to promote the drugs, including Dr. Jeffrey Bostic at Harvard University. In its latest SEC filing, Forest disclosed that it reached an agreement in principle in May 2009 to settle the civil aspects of US federal and state probes. “Penalties in the civil settlement are covered by a $170 million reserve Forest created in April,” according to a November 9 report by Dow Jones.

Forest also disclosed that the agreement “does not resolve the government’s ongoing investigation into potential criminal law violations” related to Celexa and Lexapro, and thyroid drug Levothroid, Dow Jones notes. In 2008, the salary and compensation for Forest CEO, Howard Solomon, was $6,565,324.

Over the past year and a half, a large number of so-called “Key Opinion Leaders” in the field of psychiatry have been exposed for not fully disclosing money received from many of the drug companies above through an investigation by the US Senate Finance Committee under the leadership of Iowa Republican Sen. Chuck Grassley.

The list so far includes Harvard University’s Joseph Biederman, Thomas Spencer and Timothy Wilens; Charles Nemeroff and Zackery Stowe from Emory; Melissa DelBello at the University of Cincinnati; Alan Schatzberg, president of the American Psychiatric Association from Stanford; Martin Keller at Brown University; Karen Wagner and Augustus John Rush from the University of Texas and Fred Goodwin, the former host of a radio show called “Infinite Minds,” broadcast by National Pubic Radio.

Fines as a Business Expense

The fraud settlements are “merely a cost of doing business to these pharmaceutical Goliaths and, in fact, caps their liability for these crimes,” said Alaskan attorney Jim Gottstein, the leader of the Law Project for Psychiatric Rights (PsychRights), a public interest law firm.

“Most importantly,” he noted, “these settlements have not stopped the practice of psychiatrists and other prescribers giving these drugs to children and youth and Medicaid continuing to pay for these fraudulent claims.”

“Because of the massive, harmful, increase in the psychiatric drugging of America’s children and youth, who are inherently forced, PsychRights has made addressing the problem a priority,” he said.

Gottstein conducted an investigation and determined that the vast majority of off-label psychotropic drug prescriptions for children and youth that are paid for by Medicaid constitute Medicaid fraud.

PsychRights now has a national “Medicaid Fraud Initiative Against Psychiatric Drugging of Children & Youth,” designed to address this problem by “having lawsuits brought against the doctors prescribing these harmful, ineffective drugs, their employers, and the pharmacies filling these prescriptions and submitting them to Medicaid for reimbursement,” according to its web site.

“Anyone who submits or causes claims to be submitted to Medicaid for drugs that are not for a ‘medically accepted indication’ is committing Medicaid Fraud,” said Gottstein, in a July 27, 2009 press release announcing the launch of the national campaign.

“Those guilty of this Medicaid Fraud include psychiatrists and other physicians prescribing these drugs, their employers, and pharmacies submitting the false claims to Medicaid,” he pointed out.

PsychRights estimates that over $2 billion in such fraudulent Medicaid claims are being paid by the government each year.

“Once one sues over specific offending prescriptions, all of such prescriptions can be brought in, which means that any psychiatrist on the losing end of such a lawsuit will almost certainly be bankrupted, because each offending prescription carries a penalty of between $5,500 and $11,000,” PsychRights explained.

It is hoped that once the doctors and pharmacies realize they are subject to financially ruinous Medicaid fraud judgments, the practice will be stopped or substantially reduced.

“Each prescriber may have a million dollars or few, at most, to lose, but the pharmacies’ financial exposure can run into the hundreds of millions of dollars and it is hoped this will attract attorneys to take these cases,” the web site noted.

In September and October 2009, Gottstein gave presentations on the initiative at the annual conferences of the National Association of Rights Protection and Advocacy and the International Center for the Study of Psychiatry and Psychology in order to find people who are potentially interested and willing to pursue such cases.

“This was successful and we have at least a few such cases cooking,” he reported. “PsychRights stands ready to help people interested in bringing such suits.”

In late 2006, Gottstein won international fame by subpoenaing and releasing thousands of documents involving Eli Lilly’s illegal marketing of Zyprexa, which resulted in front page stories in The New York Times.

PsychRights also has an appeal pending on a lawsuit filed against the state of Alaska and responsible state officials seeking declaratory and injunctive relief that Alaskan children and youth on Medicaid have the right not to be administered psychotropic drugs unless and until a number of specific conditions are met. The lawsuit seeks to prohibit the state from paying for psychiatric drugs prescribed off-label to children and youth.

In responding to the lawsuit, the state claimed that they do have any control over or responsibility for the psychiatric drugging of children in their custody, or any responsibility under Medicaid, and moved for dismissal on the grounds that PsychRights does not have standing, or the right to bring the suit, because it was not harmed by the state’s actions.

The court agreed and dismissed the case. “We think the judge is wrong and have filed an appeal,” said Gottstein.

In May 2009, Gottstein sent letters to Sens. Charles Grassley and Herb Kohl and Reps. Henry Waxman, Bart Stupak, John Dingell and Barney Frank, describing the massive Medicaid fraud involved in the prescribing of psychiatric drugs to children in the US and asked for “assistance in stopping these illegal reimbursements.”

As of November 8, 2009, Gottstein reported, “I haven’t gotten as much as an acknowledgment of receipt from any of the members of Congress to whom I wrote.”

While pursuing causes on behalf of PsychRights, Gottstein donates all of his time on a pro bono basis.

from http://www.truthout.org/1213091
via Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial license

Welcome. I’m Brian. How can I be of use?

Hi. You spoke at our center on relationships and I have just gone through a terrible time with my husband and from what you said I think I am to blame for some of our problems. I felt very upset after you talked but I also felt some relief. It seemed to bring some understanding to my situation. My husband was there and he came over and apologized after your talk. He had tears in his eyes and I have never seen him cry, ever. And I mean ever.

How long have you been married?

Eighteen years with two kids and a dog!

So what brings you to talk today?

Well, he and my brother’s ex wife had an affair.

I see. How did you hear about it?

He told me! He was very straight up about it about a week after it happened. He told me at breakfast. After he said “I took out the garbage honey “, he added, “By the way, I should tell you I have done something really bad”. So that was that. Like he broke my favorite vase or something.

What did you do?

Nothing, until he told me who it was, then I was very silent. Till I called you.

So you haven’t talked a lot since? How does that feel?

No so good!

What have you been thinking about?

Just how things in our life are just the same, we even sleep in the same bed. In fact, I hate to admit it but it is better now than it has been in a long time.

Okay, that’s good that it’s better, but better than what? No one comes to a counselor after an affair to tell them they how found marital bliss!

It is far from bliss but I did say it was better.

Better than what?

All the fighting we were doing! His demands, my demands, nothing new!

Nothing new maybe but was your marriage working before the affair?

No! Same old, same old that married couples feel I guess.

It’s not the same old same old now is it?

No!

So what is it?

Well it is kinda exciting, not the affair part but for some reason I feel shocked and more attracted to him again! Does that sound crazy? Like I’m shocked he did it! But it kinda makes me rethink things. I’m crazy, maybe stressed out or something.

I don’t think you’re crazy. Far from it!

Have you had this before?

People have affairs for all kinds of reasons but in every case I have worked with, they are a sign of unmet needs in a relationship.

I don’t think we had any unmet needs in ours.

You said earlier that you feel you have some part in that relationship. Can you talk about that?

I’m just a bitch I guess is the best way to describe it. I never kinda speak very nice to him. We have grown apart maybe; we just don’t do anything together.

How do you feel about that?

That’s the strange thing – it never did before the affair but now I don’t like who I am with him and our marriage is not too good.

Just a minute, your marriage wasn’t good before the affair. You weren’t happy about it.

How do you know that?

Well, you said you didn’t treat him well, and that you were a bitch! Do you think happy people are bitchy?

No I guess not!

So after the affair what changed about you?

I wasn’t the same old bitch!

So how do you feel about that?

I feel better; I really dumped on him a lot!

How?

Nagging I guess, because he wouldn’t listen to me!

Would you want to talk to someone who is always nagging you?

No I guess not! But he’s the one that had the affair! It’s not my fault!!

When he came up to you and said sorry and had tears in his eyes, what did you think?

I thought he loved me and he was sorry!

Sorry for what?

Well he told me that night!

What did he tell you?

That he’s sorry for not being there for me and he just can’t fight anymore!

Okay, so do you believe him?

Yes! Yes I do?

And the affair?

I know her. She a drinker and always liked him and she threw herself at him!

Do you know that for sure?

No and I don’t want to know!

Why not?

It’s happened, it’s over and he feels bad enough. I can see that and I know what she’s like. Do you think I can make it work?

Hell girl, you have a pretty good approach to all this but a marriage is two people willing to make it work.

So you don’t think this is strange, and I’m losing it?

No. What matters is how you see it and what you want and what you’re willing to do to have a better marriage and I think I can help you guys.

Well, he wanted to come and see you but I need to come first. I wanted to know I was okay.

I think this is one of those times when an affair can help people to choose to have a better marriage. And I think you’re on the right track. Would you both be able to come and see me together?

Yes I would like that!

Good, so would I.

He went to a doctor before and he gave him some pills for depression, but my husband wouldn’t take them. After he heard you talk he felt he had made the right choice, even though he thought his depression made him have an affair.

No I don’t think depressed people do that! I haven’t seen any anyway.

Thanks again. Can I come back next week?

Sure. Talk to your husband and we will set up a time.

Coach bri

The world is now embarking on the greatest travesty ever committed against humanity. Human beings will be willing to take this step, as millions already have, even though the warning signs are in your face and disclaimers offer sudden death. It gives people the best possible excuse so they don’t have to take any responsibility for their choices, in action, thoughts, or feelings. It has now changed the very structure of some people’s genes, and will create, as it has already, people who are unable to have compassion and empathy for others. It turns humans into machine-like creatures who are desensitized to violence and fit well into the war machine to keep the rich making profit and the religious fanatics drooling. It hides in the womb of psychiatry and was invented without any pathology. It is used as the trump card when needed against any person who dares to think for themselves and is unhappy because their relationships and their relationship to the world is painful. It is called mental illness! It is the great cancer of drug companies that use the world of psychiatry and its authority to infect people with the idea that happiness is a state of mind not based on loving and caring relationships. The field of psychiatry cripples everything is touches when it holds up brain drugs as an answer to psychological problems, such as depression, anxiety, fear, poor esteem, anger, hurt and being disconnected. Brain drugs numb you out so you can’t respond to pure pleasure or pure pain. They prevent you from finding what works for you in relationship with people and things and ideas. And if you can’t do that you are no longer human!

Coach Bri

It was a still night. All the earth was asleep and even in the winter the streets held their own enchantment. It was a good time to get out and walk the streets of Varna, this small town with only a few streets.  The shops were all closed and Christmas was the theme in the few windows. There was a dusting of snow from the early evening that seemed to warm the ground. But now, well past midnight in that absolute stillness, the brain was fighting to keep thinking and the mind was watching thought interfere with perception. Eventually thought had no place, and vulnerability and strength were in everything.  The softness of the streetlight seemed to light millions of tiny diamonds as the ground took on a delicate shimmer of waves. The cars that approached from the distance broke the enchantment of the evening like thoughts that enter perception and kill one’s mood.  As they passed the evening slowly returned to its own stillness from the intruder. One could watch the lights for miles and the darkness seem to swallow the vehicles.

Christmas was only a few days away, the children would all be home and I felt the ache for those who had no one. The rich, the poor, the war torn places and all the indifference caused by humanity could not touch that stillness. It was unconcerned with humankind because it had no place for selfishness of any kind. The religious, the politicians, the false hope of The Secret and the born again would all tremble in its presence. To be nothing inwardly, to have no defense linked to any idea of how oneself or anyone else should live or be is freedom. That stillness has no cause, whereas Christmas and all the holidays of any religion, however sacred, are caused by the thinking of humankind. These holidays are invented by man to build a path to that stillness. But the stillness demands to be without ego, or self, which is tradition.

Humankind’s greatest tradition is to form a self and it splits into a trillion self-offerings, each self a false sense of security. People break relationship whenever their process of living become more or less than anyone else’s.  People getting together for Christmas or anytime is great if relationship with compassion is directing the interactions. Only here are people safe! For many people Christmas is a time to get stoned or pissed, to cover up the pain of the memories of unmet needs of Christmases past.  Try to remain clean and get close to the people in your life you’re disconnected from. Reach out to those who are hurting but do it clean and sober. Drugs we invented for the unhappy by the unhappy and you were one born without them and lived happier than you are now.

The evening was so clear and open. I took my time and walked back to my house to a warm fire and cozy chair. I sat there for some time until  sleep over took me.

Merry Christmas.

Coach bri

He was a middle aged man in good shape. He had a very friendly demeanour and appeared to have lot on confidence in himself and his abilities. He wore a suit and tie and appeared to have lots on money. He and his wife of twenty-three years had built a business together and now thing were falling apart.  He had seen his doctor and two others regarding his inability to maintain an erection. Two of the doctors gave him information on the physiology of the male erection and a prescription for some medication.  The other said that he wasn’t sure but felt it might be psychological but he was not qualified in that area and suggested he see a colleague, a psychiatrist. He had an appointment and went and felt that what the psychiatrist talked to him about was basically nonsense. He had heard about me from the radio and he thought he would give me a chance. He was deeply bothered by his problem and felt that he was letting his wife down.

Sir, may I ask you a question? You built your business with your wife and you did it together, right sir? You felt needed, did you not?

Yes of course. We discussed it all together. I would work the back end and she worked the front. We were a good team!

And now sir?

Well she wants to move on and sell the business and do something else!

So where does that leave you sir?

Well nowhere, and that is what I don’t understand. She has always been an inclusive person.

Since when?

I guess this has come to the surface in about the last eight months to a year.

What has happened since then?

The relationship between her and my son is very strained.

What is strained?

Let’s say they don’t see eye to eye! He rarely comes home on the weekend because all they do is fight!

And when this is all going on what are you doing?

I support my wife. I feel he gets out of hand too and is just rude!

Rude? How?

He just is disrespectful and doesn’t appreciate anything we do for him.

So how do you treat him in that situation?

Well we just don’t do anything for him!

So you just back off!

Yes totally!

What is totally?

Well, we don’t drive him anywhere or pick him up. We let him fend for himself. In the mornings we don’t talk because it always ends up in a huge fight and his mood effects everyone. I’m not going to take that from anyone.

So what do you want from your son?

I want him to be closer to us and treat us well.

So how is pulling away helping?

I’m not going to be anyone’s doormat! Nor am I going to ask my wife to be!

Okay so how important is your relation with your son?

It’s very important!

How important is your wife’s relationship to your son?

I think it’s the most important thing in the world!

More important than you?

No doubt about that!

So if she is unhappy with your son and feels a lack of meaning and purpose in her life, what is the chance she wants out of the business?

Is it possible she is not aware of that?

You know her better than I do. What do you think?

It is very possible! So you think that this not getting an erection has something to do with my wife and my son?

Well, indirectly perhaps. You see, when human beings aren’t satisfied with our present relationships, we say and do all kinds of things that sometimes disconnects us even more but we don’t realize it.

How does this fit in to me not getting it up?!

Are you pissed with your wife!

Damn right I am!!!

For what?

For kicking me out of her life! That’s what! She’s a fucking bitch for doing this to me.

Doing what to you?

Marriage is a partnership and she’s angry at our son and taking it out on me!

She’s hurt and choosing to disconnect from you.

Why can’t I get it up?

Is it possible you’re angry with her?

Yes.

What happens if you’re hurt, can you have sex with a person who is hurting you?

No, I can’t.

So how do you get back at her?

I’m not not getting it up on purpose!

I don’t think you are either! But if you’re hurt and feel she doesn’t need you it’s going to be difficult to feel sexual.

I think you’re right!

No sir, you see the truth of what is being said. A pill won’t hurt. Most men need these pills to cover up their hurt and pain.

So I’m not the only one?

You know you’re not sir! These erection drugs are harming our natural intelligence sir! And we will pay for the harm they will do!

Yes I know. If you read the disclaimer on it you wonder why anyone would ever take them.

That is easy sir! Living in the darkness, pleasure and the avoidance of pain is going to rule. This state you are in is giving you a chance to wake up sir! The choice is yours!

So what do I do?

Sir, tell the truth of your hurt, and just listen to her sir and listen to your son! It sounds like he is in deep trouble and can’t see it.

This has been very enlightening. Thank you

Yes sir, for the both of us! Thank you!

Coach bri

Everything has potential but there is one potential that human beings have that is not the product of thinking or thought. You can’t come to it with the practice of yoga or rituals or sacraments. It is not found through any buzz or chemical intake. This potential is straight potential, without direction or influence. It can’t be practiced or cultivated. It is not found in a book unless it wants to be. It can leave a mark in a painting, sculpture, or poem if examined by simplicity and free from the cultivated intellect of the art critic. It is without cause and can affect anything it wants to yet no one or no thing can go to it. It moves all yet can’t be moved. These simple words are not it. It says write yet hides in what is written. This potential has love and compassion as its children. It holds when all else breaks, it is also full and deeply empty. From this potential we sprang and to it we fall. It beats life and death in the same stroke. It cannot be used, or corrupted.

Coach bri

In our last session we discussed how thought plays such a large roll in creating and maintaining our problems.   You were very clear about this regarding fear of death. I can’t seem to remember what it was you said but it did scare the crap out of me! Now things keep coming back to me that we discussed.

Thinking is always on the move, looking to keep itself alive through activity. Thinking about something is thought’s occupation. It is always moving and when one watches or pays attention to thought it slows down. When one gives one’s whole attention to thought it ceases. It is like when you are in a car crash and things seem to happen in slow motion. Most of us only know the release from thought through some activity, competition, or adrenaline rush. If one uses concentration to quiet thought, it is freedom from and therefore a process of exclusion. Thought doesn’t want to end, and its primary directive is to find in some religious, political, or personal belief a place where it is permanent and secure. Thought creates all kinds of beliefs and material processes because it is itself a material process.

The chemical nature of thought is moving in an irrational pattern when it is used beyond the technical boundaries of its intended function. Where human relationship is concerned thinking is a mess. It creates groups of people and the illusion that we are separate beings in separate lands. Thought has created all the psychological problems of disconnection, fear, jealousy, hatred, greed, loneliness etc. Thought also creates the external psychology that most people practice to deal with there disconnected state only inflicting more damage and disconnection.  Thought creates the problem of disconnection and then tries to be the remedy to change it. You can’t use cancer to kill a cancer without creating the same result.

Our greatest challenge as human beings is to question everything that thought creates to make us better people, more loving etc. Thought is a movement that is caught in time.  Fear, jealousy, greed, and hatred are products of time because they are things we learn. Love and compassion are not the rooted in thought. They are another movement that is truly internal. Self is fear, jealousy, greed, hatred and is put into you by others. Where these are, love and compassion are not. To love another and reject someone else is not love.
Death is the ending of self and self is terrified of it own ending.  In the ending of thought one is no longer seeing through the eyes of time and one’s own limits. Then one is free and what is free is not held in the confines of death.

Coach bri

It was a beautiful October morning and as I stepped onto the street one could smell the freshness of the day. The sun on the multi-colored leaves gave the appearance that death was a beautiful thing. The leaves that give life to the tree had served their purpose and now, with the coming winter, it was time for them to die and for the tree to go deep into itself and rest from the busy summer. As I walked across the road to my car, the contrast of colors between the asphalt that was dark and rich and the fallen leaves was breathtaking. As I slowly made my drive to the office and the beaches, Toronto never looked so beautiful.

He greeted me with a handshake that was limp and tired. His eyes were weary, but engaging. As he sat in the chair he was rather anxious, and waiting for his turn to speak. He carried with him at burden of persecution, and as he spoke one could see that he was well rehearsed and caught in the drama of his own making.

Well, what would you like to talk about this morning?

My friend gave me your number and told me that you could probably help me. He speaks very highly of you but I must say I don’t think or believe that you know about mental illness. My friend perhaps has misinterpreted you, but I already notice you are not that professional by your appearance.

I guess I’m glad you didn’t run away then when you saw me!

Sorry I don’t really mean to be rude but this is one of my problems as I think I suffer from Tourette’s. My friend also told me that you think that mental illness is a choice and not a chemical deficiency in people’s brains. How can you even comment on these things when I don’t believe you are a doctor! I have seen many psychiatrists and therapists before, and none of them have ever had an approach like yours.

Okay you’ve seen a lot of psychiatrists and therapists. Did you find them effective? Did they work for you?
I think they did but there are some good ones and some bad ones!

So how do you know a psychiatrist or therapist is a good one and how do you know they’re a bad one?

While the real good ones understand me they also provide me with medication to help me manage my depression. And the bad ones don’t listen well or understand my illness.

So you suffer from depression, how longing have you been depressing?

I have been this way since I’ve been a teenager. My parents told me that I have always been this way as a child. I used to be on Ritalin for hyperactivity and attention deficit disorder, as well as some manic phases.

So may I ask you a question?

You might not like my answer!

Why wouldn’t I like your answer if it’s the truth? Isn’t that the only thing that matters?

That is a trick question! Are you talking your truth or my truth?

Surely if it is your truth or my truth it must be false!

I disagree with you. So you’re telling me that there’s absolute truth?

Sir, I have asked you a simple question: What determines a good psychiatrist or therapist from a bad one?

I’m not sure of your question, but I do know that I have seen a lot of professional people and few are very good at their jobs.

If they were good at their jobs how would that impact you?

Well they would listen to me, and I would be more effective in dealing with my mental illness.

So how come you’re not going to one of those effective people to help you with your mental illness now?

Because my friend said you have helped him so much. So I thought I would come and give it a try even though I disagree with you completely.

Okay, so what is it that I can help you with today?

Well my whole life is a mess! I used to be a person that could really do a lot of things and since I have been on medication I seem to have lost desire to do anything lately.

How long is lately?

I would say approximately 15 or 16 years!

That’s a long time Timothy. Can I call you Timothy?

You can just call me Tim, Timothy sounds so formal and besides, that’s what my parents call me and I hate it!!!

Okay Tim it is. So Tim, lately has been a long time. What happened 15 or 16 years ago when your life seem to get out of whack?

My parents were very disappointed in my performance at high school and I got shipped off to do another school, which was private. I hated it there but it was nice to get away from the control of my parents. After I was at that school for about six months I was able to function quite well. My marks were high, I was on a disciplined program and my parents started to look like idiots because they couldn’t find any problems with me.

That is amazing! So what happened next?

My parents demanded that I come home and then my whole life fell apart again, I went to a normal school, did a normal thing like have a girlfriend, but my parents didn’t want me to have a girlfriend.

So then what did you do Tim?

Well from there it’s been downhill. My parents were always forcing me to do what they wanted me to do and if I didn’t then I’d go back to that school which they took me from in the first place where I was doing fine because they’re assholes.

Are they still living now, your parents?

Yes they are, but we are not on very good terms!

What do you mean by not very good terms?

They don’t agree with all a lot of my lifestyle. They are always coming up with things that I have to do, so I just choose to ignore them.

Is ignoring them making your life any better?

Well it’s better than it’s ever been.

What’s better than it’s ever been?

My relationship with my parents!

What’s good about it?

Well they finally have learned to leave me alone! But every time I see them they go over the same problems, which basically is, what I’m going to do for the rest of my life … doing their “how will I survive in life” … all the regular bullshit!

Tim, what in your life is going really well for you right now? Do you work or volunteer, play sports, a member of any clubs?

I worked periodically once I was finished at University. Over the past eight or ten years I don’t last as a job very long.

And may I ask why is that?

Well my mental illness keeps getting in the way!

How so Tim?

Well isn’t it obvious? Look at how nervous I am – look my hands and how raw they are – I scratch them all the time. I’m always anxious about things. I hate the fact that most people you work with are always so bossy.

Tim, in the last seven or eight years, how many jobs have you actually had?

Well that’s the thing. I can’t remember how many. That’s one thing about the medication I’m on – it really affects my memory. But I would say quite a few.

Have you ever had a job that you really enjoyed and you did well at?

Yes I remember working at a public library as a librarian and I really enjoyed cataloging books and sometimes I even got to fix books. I really liked the job! There were a few people there who were part-time and I just couldn’t get along with. They didn’t understand my mental illness.

What about your mental illness didn’t they understand?

I don’t think you’re very observant as a therapist. Can’t you see the way I am? Can’t you see how nervous I am? Look, I’m a wreck!!! Obviously you don’t have the experience to help a person like me!

Okay, so help me little here. What about your mental illness didn’t they understand?

They didn’t understand the fact that I don’t like to be told what to do. I also have oppositional disorder! Are you familiar with that?

Tim, my understanding is you don’t like to be told what to do!

Well who likes to be told what to do? I get very upset!

Did you ever have a relationship with a person that you really liked that lasted for a few months or more?

Yes of course. I have had a girlfriend before, once for 18 months!

Did she ever tell you what to do?

Not very often!

So when she told you what to do, did you get upset with her?

While not at first but towards the end of our relationship I started to get very upset. I just couldn’t control myself, my mental illness was full-blown!

So let me get this straight: in the beginning part of your relationship when she used to tell you what to do, it didn’t get you upset. So why do you think that is?

Well I was just getting to know her and I really liked her!

So when you’re around people that you really like how often is your mental illness full-blown?

I don’t like what you’re insinuating right now but it’s pretty clever of you!

So how do you think I’m being clever?

Well what you’re really saying to me is when I’m around people I like I don’t have mental illness!

Well I don’t know about that Tim but I do know one thing: when we get along with people in our life the way we want to and need to, we seem to be happier. When people are happier I think we don’t choose behaviors that get in our way of getting along with people.

I think that’s crap! I’ve been struggling with my depression for about ten years now and it’s real to me. You’re just like another therapist that I saw. She told me that I was playing a lot head games with her.

Tim I don’t know if you were playing head games with her not. I can’t comment on that relationship with her but I do know this: when we’re miserable and we can’t get along with people in our life the way we want to and need to, we can choose not to be in our right mind.

That’s a bunch of bullshit! You’re telling me that I am choosing to compulsively rub my hands, compulsively wash my hands, to get so depressed that I can’t even get out of bed and that I get bouts of uncontrolled swearing.
Tim, when was the last time you’ve really been happy in your life?

I would say when I was back at school, college I guess.

Tell me about that Tim.

Well I was really doing what I like to do. I was working part time at the library at the University and then I met another student who was also working at the library and I guess I fell in love.

How much of your mental illness showed up when you’re in love?

You don’t understand. At that point I was just put on lithium and it really helped me to balance my life!

Tim let me ask you a question that I need a real honest answer! I’m going to assume that your mental illness showed up again towards the end of your relationship!

Well of course it did. As my body had adjusted to the lithium again, my mental illness showed itself again!

Okay so when did this mental illness exactly show up?

Well that’s easy. It started about a year and a half after Jennifer started working at the Robarts library.

So what happened then to Jennifer at the Robarts library?

Well nothing happened!

Well what changed in your relationship with Jennifer?

Nothing she just got busier and busier!

What was your response to her getting busier and busier?

I tried to talk to her about it and told her that I missed her and she said that she thought that we needed to take a break for a while!

How did you respond to her wanting to take a break for a while?

She didn’t like it and because my mental illness started to come back, and I mean real strong, worse than it’s ever been! She made some promises she couldn’t keep!

And what of those promises look like?

Well she understood how depressed I get and she promised to spend more time with me. She fucking lied to me. The fucking holing bitch! See my Tourette’s, sorry! Sorry! Sorry! I think I need to take a break right now!

Tim if you don’t mind I’d like to continue?

Well I’m not going to be responsible for my actions if we do!

Tim I want to teach you something! But it’s going to be difficult? Did anyone else come in the picture for Jennifer, any other interested person? (Tim jumped up from his seat and began to pace back and forth and he quickly sat down stood up and started to tap on the wall with his fingers he repeatedly and did this several times for about 20 minutes) Tim I need you to sit down if you can but if you can’t and do not want to continue talking with me that’s okay.

In a very deep voice from his gut he blurted out: The fucking ah, the fucking .. here we go… Roger!

When you knew you were losing her did you try to control her with your mental illness?

I did no such fucking thing! Do you think I am a fucking idiot! Who the fuck are you anyway? Bite me you fucking son of the bitch!

Tim you don’t seem depressed right now. It looks like you’re feeling angry.

I’m angry all right! Especially when you think I’m faking all this!

You’ve got me wrong Tim. I don’t feel you’re faking anything but I do think you’re choosing!

And why the hell would I do that? Rat Roger Fucker!!!!

Well I think you loved her and you’re angry at yourself because you blew it!

Well of course I blew it … Fucking Roger that! I want the fuck out of here!

You can leave if you want to Tim. We can get together next week if you want.

I don’t think so!

Well that’s okay with me. It’s up to you!

That’s okay with me that’s okay with me that’s okay with me!!!!!!!

You’ve got a lot to think about Tim. I think you’ve come a long way and I really think I could help you but it’s going to be difficult. But if you’re up for the challenge I’d love to see you again. Why not call me a couple days see how you feel and then decide!

Well according to you, if I have no mental illness I should be able to be to decide right now!

That’s up to you. If you want to tell me you don’t want to come and see me next week that’s fine but if you change your mind, give me a call. Thanks for coming in.

Yeah see ya. Roger Fucking Roger

He left quite abruptly. Two days later he called for another appointment.

Coach bri